My mother in law is upset

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And or Adult Protective Services.
Someone called them about my mil. My husband opened the door and upon them identifying themselves, said “PLEASE, come right in!”
It got the ball rolling for some help she needed but did not want to face/admit.
Sometimes it’s easier to take it from a stranger, especially a professional.
 
AlwaysChatholic said:
I think I have to carry this cross because when my dad was on oxygen and was dying about 16 years ago I wasn’t there for him. I was living out of state working. Only 9 days before he passed away I got a job transfer and moved back.
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Thos so absolutely NOT the case. First of all, good parents are happy when their children grow up and act like adults.

Second, you arranged for a transfer–and that transfer couldn’t have been easy–and were there for him in his last days.

Thirdly, God does not work like that. He doesn’t say that you have to suffer, not because of a sin but because you acted like a responsible adult! We can not live our lives as if anything could happen, because then we would not get out of bed and worry that a plane might crash into the bedroom while doing so!

What do you think God wants for your children? For your family? Do you think He loves your children and wants good things for them? Guess what? He wants even better things for them than you do!

And He wants good things for you and your husband as well. He does not want you to suffer because of something you did that was not even a sin!

Yes, we do have to bear our sufferings for Christ. But, we are not supposed to impose sufferings on others, as your husband is doing to you.

Even if we are ill, God allows us to use moral medical means to alleviate that. And all the more so we are allowed to work on fixing our situation when someone else is imposing unnecessary suffering on us.

This situation will only get worse for everyone involved. For their sakes, if not your own, be clear with your husband about what needs to be done, why it needs to be done, and that you are going to do it.
 
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One of my husband’s coping mechanism is drinking. He doesn’t drink all the time but when things are too much for him he drinks and stays up real late and and works on the other house. This past weekend was a test. I called him multiple times in the morning and he didn’t answer the phone so I took the kids and drove over to the other house. It turns out he was fine and fast a sleep didn’t hear my phone calls but went to bed late after a couple of drinks. On my way back to the new house my father in law had an emergency but not really an emergency. Of course I didn’t know because I wasn’t there so I called 911 for my father in law who had a false alarm. I am going to stop posting things. In fact I should get out of this forum altogether. I know things are not going to get any better plus these are my problem and I said for better or for worse when I took my vows so I shouldn’t complain. Sorry for bothering everyone in here with my problems. I will just offer it all up to God.
 
AlwaysChatholic said:
I said for better or for worse when I took my vows so I shouldn’t complain.
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@AlwaysChatholic, please don’t think that “for better or for worse” equals being a doormat and passively accepting what other people throw at you. It doesn’t. You deserve to be happy.

Please do look into getting support for yourself. Your in laws aren’t able to support you, and your husband seemingly won’t. This is something you will have to reach out for to get. Please talk to your doctor, have a look for carer support groups. Maybe your church also has groups where you can meet like-minded others.

Everyone here has given you really good advice. I hope you do contact Adult Protective Services and the DMV. Also, I would suggest perhaps you make an appointment with your doctor to discuss your in-law’s’ deterioration and what could be done. Ask the doctor to write his recommendations down and show that to your husband.

Please, help yourself. You do not, and you should not, accept this as your lot. You deserve better.
 
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I’m so sorry you are going through such a tough time. And it’s even harder when you are feeling so alone. I am currently experiencing something similar, so I will try my best to leave you with a couple thoughts that have helped me cope…

My mother is terminally ill with a neurodegenerative disease that causes very rapidly progressing form of dementia (in January she was fine, now she doesn’t know who I am). She can be extremely belligerent and say some very nasty, hurtful things to me. And so, I can totally understand how painful it feels to hear your own flesh and blood scream and curse at you.

The key here (and I realize it’s easier said than done) is to remember that the unrecognizable person who is in front of you saying these things, DOES NOT really mean it. They don’t really mean for their words to cause us pain. And so every time my mother says something hurtful, I remind myself of this and I just brush it off and say to myself, “that really isn’t my mom speaking to me. My mom loves me.”

I think the best thing to do in this kind of situation is to ignore the negativity, but do it with a smile. Your mother in law, I am sure, does not really mean to make you feel this way. In fact, I think that a lot of it stems from frustration, not with you, but probably with herself for not being able to be independent anymore. Think about how difficult it must be to give up the ability to get in the car and go out to run errands, or to take your husband to a doctor’s appointment. That cannot be an easy transition to make. Even my mother is aware, to some extent, that something is off, and resents the fact that she now needs help with caring for herself.

The best we can do is love them, and smile through the things they say but that they really don’t mean.

Maybe you could take some time for yourself. Alone time can be amazing, even if it’s once a week. Can you find a hobby to do outside the house? Even going for a walk and just spending time outside in nature is relaxing. Take yourself out to dinner or for a coffee. There are lots of options! I don’t really have many friends either, and I am not particularly close with my family members. But when I force myself to look for the positives, I realize that there are lots of ways to make myself happy regardless of my situation.

I hope this helped. Please feel free to send me a message if you want to talk. God bless you. You’re in my prayers.
 
Thank you for your advice. I am sorry for what you are going through. My family and I belong to 2 car clubs and I told my hubby no matter what we are going to the meeting tonight. The ladies always play bingo at the meeting and they love seeing my sons. Although my father in law was being a jerk or maybe the dementia kicking in he has to go to the doctor for the same thing he went to see the doctor and was prescribed pills. He said it was non emergency but feels the need to go to the doctor anyway. I took the initiative to call the clinic and explain things to them and said my husband needs to drive them to this appointment. Otherwise my mother in law would have driven and gotten lost. Then we wouldn’t haven’t been able to go to our meeting. My husband was trying to get out of going to the meeting but I said we are going no matter what. Going for walks sounds good. I have gone for walks with my kids even though sometimes my hubby would prefer I stay home and take care of parents. I will pray for your situation. God is are only hope.
 
Well I told my husband that we had to go to our car club meeting. He took his parents to his dad’s appointment and had to pick up supper for his mom and dad and now he doesn’t want to go to the meeting. I can’t go either. Because he is too busy and I have to take care of his parents. He said he doesn’t have time. He has time for his parents but not for his own kids and wife. His dad was being a jerk and wanted to go to the doctor even though he said it wasn’t anything urgent. He said his throat was hurting when he ate otherwise he was fine. He had the same problem yesterday and the doctor prescribed meds for that already. What a mess I am in. My poor kids. We know now what his priorities are. His parents come first I guess.
 
Do you have anywhere you can go to get away from this for a couple weeks…a sort of staycation away from home? Cousins, siblings, etc? I’d really think maybe he’ll start stepping up or decide to change things if you put your foot down and end this troubling spiral of chaos.
 
Why can’t you just go to the meeting yourself and have fun playing bingo with the other women? I think it’s kind of unhealthy that your husband expects you to only give care to his parents at the expense of your mental health. Everyone needs time away from all the stress. It’s unreasonable for anyone to expect you to dedicate every waking moment to being a caregiver.

Perhaps it is time for you to put your foot down and make time for yourself. Treat yourself to a day out if you can. Take your kids on a day trip to see some local sites and then go to dinner. And don’t let anyone guilt you out of it, because you deserve that time to recharge.

Also, have you looked in to having someone come in a few times a week to look after your in laws? It took a long while, but recently, we found a really wonderful caregiver who is willing to come in and help us out every week. It has been a blessing. Nothing wrong with asking for outside help.
 
Things are not getting any better. We went to our car club meeting after all. I felt like he was forced into going. We needed to go to this meeting to find out when the club is going have their annual picnic. He wasn’t happy taking me and the boys. And I got lectured on the way. I felt like a loser although I have a lot in my plate. My in laws would have preferred my kids to stay home and watch them. As usual my hubby didn’t keep his promise. He set is laptop at the new place so he would have stayed overnight and ketchup on work and work from home. But he said his laptop didn’t work so he had to go to the other house and go to work from there. So he left in a hurry but before that gave me all sorts of instructions. I should go straight home after I drop my older son at school but I am in this forum typing and taking my time to get home. Last night after my husband left my in laws had a another episode and who had to deal with it? Me. Well my sons school has a mothers group and I got an invite for an out door prayer and get together for next week. It’s only 3 hours and I said yes and told my hubby about it. He wasn’t happy. I do plan on going. He is still saying that he needs to focus on the other house to sell it and once he moves to the new place every thing is going to be hunky dory. And give it time. He thinks I am not patient enough. Last year when my mother was dying and we were the care givers I had to take care of her toileting issue in the portable toilet and clean her and stuff. I had issues with my manipulative mother for years. It was difficult for me to do all that for her after how she treated me. But I did it anyway. I don’t know if I could do the toileting part for my in laws too. I know at some point they are going to need help and I have a feeling my hubby is going to come of with an excuse and make me do that. I am a small person and I don’t know if I could lift them up. Enough of my ranting. I am just killing time in the car before my youngest online school starts because I don’t want to rush back home.
 
Oh, @AlwaysChatholic, I’m so sorry about everything you’re going through. The way your husband treats you is wrong. The fact that he puts everything on your shoulders is wrong.

It’s time for you to get outside help, properly. Talk to the doctor and ask if you can work out a care plan. If your husband doesn’t like it, tell him to either become their primary carers himself or to lump it. You cannot do this alone.

I’m reading your posts wondering what you get out of your marriage. Your husband sounds just awful. But he cannot make you take care of your in-laws. You need to put your foot down and say no. Just like you need to keep on going to things even though he doesn’t want you to. I think having some individual counseling may help you, because you’ve had so many difficult people and difficult things in your life. Make yourself your priority.
 
I just got home and I am shaking already. I was trying to give my father in law one of his pills 30 minutes before he eats. He got so mad and grabbed is other pills and didn’t even let me explain that I wasn’t talking about those pills it’s a different one. He told me to get the hell out of his life. I called my husband and said this is the last draw. If he would have stayed overnight like he was supposed to I wouldn’t have to deal with this.
 
AlwaysChatholic said:
I called my husband and said this is the last draw.
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Good for you. Hopefully you can now work towards another solution with your husband. If he refuses, please do look at nursing homes/carers. You shouldn’t have to deal with this.
 
Sometimes things have to get worse before they get better. Have it out with your husband. He can’t afford to lose you, you do too much for him. You need to tell him enough is enough and that he needs to hire help to finish the house and get his you know what home and take care of his parents or get another plan in order because this one is not working. Your FIL needs to be checked out and your household needs professional help for your in-laws or they need to go live in a nursing home. You cannot do everything and take care of your children: your first priority. This is not fair to them or to you.
 
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