B
BeluvdLily
Guest
Not quite sure where to begin with this. I don’t want to write a book here but just tell this in a nutshell, see if anyone else’s mother is like this and curious how others handle this type of thing!
Basically my mother has always had a kind of depressed nature. On top of it though, she can actually say quite mean things. Just quite snide and hurtful at times.
My parents don’t really have friends or do anything like hobbies, etc. They have been married about 57 years and do everything together. They are both mid-seventies.
Before I go any further, let me say that I really love my parents. They can be quite fun in the right mood and we’ve always been close, my mother just takes it to the extreme with what she expects though. I have even encouraged them to move down here to our neighborhood (although I’m sure they won’t and I probably need my head examined for suggesting it. I guess I’m glad they didn’t go for it after all.)
My mother has always been clingy with me and my sisters. Wants to talk to each of us every day, wants us to visit often, live close by, etc.
For years we all lived within a few miles of them where we grew up. My nephews included. Six years ago, my husband, son and I moved about 20 miles away. I love where we live, we just got a loan for our house, live in a nice area and everything we do is down here.
I don’t visit my parents all that often because lots of times I feel uncomfortable with them. They can be very critical, etc. and it doesn’t encourage visiting. I also have one vehicle which needs many repairs and guzzles gas. I don’t feel well a lot of the time. I have fibromyalgia, arthritis, diabetes, etc. You name it. I just don’t feel like going. They are always welcome to visit us and they know that and do visit from time to time.
However, my mother manages to work it into every conversation (and we talk daily!) that I don’t visit enough. Today she said she feels like she doesn’t even have a child since I moved! 20 miles!
I think she is also put out because both of my sisters have moved also but they can’t be more than 6-7 miles away from her.
Today I told her what about people whose kids move across the country and they only see them once or twice a year. She informed me that just wouldn’t work for her. No kidding??? I don’t consider it her decision to make. She may have to adjust because at some point my husband and I want to move either to England or Mexico. She will probably disown me.
My husband moved here 7 years ago from England and hasn’t seen his family since. We talk to them a lot by phone but no one is guilting us on their end!
Then she told me today that she went wrong by making her children her life! (Is she for real?) I think we would all be happier if she hadn’t made us her life. We don’t want to be her sole focus. It is completely suffocating. She will leave rude messages on our answering machines if she hasn’t heard from us and not calling her back is not an option because she would be sure we were dead!
She said she should have been out at the Eagles or the VFW or whatever having friends and having fun. Well, I’m sure we all wish to heavens she had! Would have made our lives easier.
Okay, I’m sure you get the picture. Any suggestions? She uses guilt and manipulation to get people to do what she wants and of course she does manage to make me feel bad and I’m tired of it. Why should I feel bad for having my own family and my own interests? I really believe they would have been happiest if none of us ever married. They are critical of all of our husbands.
She is not Catholic by the way. I think she is sometimes a bit put out that we are. My nephew is also Catholic. She seemed to accept that better when he converted. However, she is wise enough not to bug me on that subject because I will quickly put her in her place because being Catholic is one of the most important things in my life and I will not listen to anything negative on that topic.
Thanks for listening and any suggestions! Oh by the way, I am 41 and my sisters are in their 50’s! Just makes me laugh to think of it.
Amie
Basically my mother has always had a kind of depressed nature. On top of it though, she can actually say quite mean things. Just quite snide and hurtful at times.
My parents don’t really have friends or do anything like hobbies, etc. They have been married about 57 years and do everything together. They are both mid-seventies.
Before I go any further, let me say that I really love my parents. They can be quite fun in the right mood and we’ve always been close, my mother just takes it to the extreme with what she expects though. I have even encouraged them to move down here to our neighborhood (although I’m sure they won’t and I probably need my head examined for suggesting it. I guess I’m glad they didn’t go for it after all.)
My mother has always been clingy with me and my sisters. Wants to talk to each of us every day, wants us to visit often, live close by, etc.
For years we all lived within a few miles of them where we grew up. My nephews included. Six years ago, my husband, son and I moved about 20 miles away. I love where we live, we just got a loan for our house, live in a nice area and everything we do is down here.
I don’t visit my parents all that often because lots of times I feel uncomfortable with them. They can be very critical, etc. and it doesn’t encourage visiting. I also have one vehicle which needs many repairs and guzzles gas. I don’t feel well a lot of the time. I have fibromyalgia, arthritis, diabetes, etc. You name it. I just don’t feel like going. They are always welcome to visit us and they know that and do visit from time to time.
However, my mother manages to work it into every conversation (and we talk daily!) that I don’t visit enough. Today she said she feels like she doesn’t even have a child since I moved! 20 miles!
I think she is also put out because both of my sisters have moved also but they can’t be more than 6-7 miles away from her.
Today I told her what about people whose kids move across the country and they only see them once or twice a year. She informed me that just wouldn’t work for her. No kidding??? I don’t consider it her decision to make. She may have to adjust because at some point my husband and I want to move either to England or Mexico. She will probably disown me.
My husband moved here 7 years ago from England and hasn’t seen his family since. We talk to them a lot by phone but no one is guilting us on their end!
Then she told me today that she went wrong by making her children her life! (Is she for real?) I think we would all be happier if she hadn’t made us her life. We don’t want to be her sole focus. It is completely suffocating. She will leave rude messages on our answering machines if she hasn’t heard from us and not calling her back is not an option because she would be sure we were dead!
She said she should have been out at the Eagles or the VFW or whatever having friends and having fun. Well, I’m sure we all wish to heavens she had! Would have made our lives easier.
Okay, I’m sure you get the picture. Any suggestions? She uses guilt and manipulation to get people to do what she wants and of course she does manage to make me feel bad and I’m tired of it. Why should I feel bad for having my own family and my own interests? I really believe they would have been happiest if none of us ever married. They are critical of all of our husbands.
She is not Catholic by the way. I think she is sometimes a bit put out that we are. My nephew is also Catholic. She seemed to accept that better when he converted. However, she is wise enough not to bug me on that subject because I will quickly put her in her place because being Catholic is one of the most important things in my life and I will not listen to anything negative on that topic.
Thanks for listening and any suggestions! Oh by the way, I am 41 and my sisters are in their 50’s! Just makes me laugh to think of it.
Amie
) I don’t think you should put your life on hold or give in to the guilt trips. I do think you should deal with her with compassion and understand that the problem has been at least partially caused by your own (and other family members’) unwillingness to deal with her as an adult long before it reached this point. Find out what her concerns really are and alleviate them (is she afraid of being alone, what will you do if your father dies? is she afraid of just being old and lonely, how will you keep her in your life? is she afraid of health issues, how will you keep on top of that?)
One of them was not paying attention to Dad.