My Mother wants me to get Plastic Surgery

[EstherTherese]

Before you judge my mother, please understand.

I am Korean and my mother was raised in Korea, my parents moving here when I was one years old(I am now seventeen, just graduated high school, I know thats not helping the shock factor much).

What I might get (rhinoplasty) and eyelid surgery are extremely popular in South Korea. Although it conflicts with the American ideal of embracing different forms of beauty, I feel like to people like my mom this sort of surgery is like getting braces, spending money on improving aesthetics. Apparently having braces has oral health benefits too, but the point is that there’s high monetary cost to looking better.

My mother is a devout Catholic, and I love her very much and usually trust what she says.

I’m not sure how to feel about it. The date for my operation is probably early August. I’ve objected to my mom before, but she tells me how she’s been planning this for so long and that many girls beg their mom for such procedures.

As a Catholic, how should I respond to this?

 

[Rascalking]

“Mom, I love you like crazy, but I’m not sure this is the right choice for me at this time. Let’s both do some more research on this and then decide if it’s the best choice for MY life.”

 

[Sparki777]

This is what I would say to my mother:

"Mother, I love my Korean heritage, and I love that my face shows that I am Korean. But most of all, I love looking like you, because you are the most beautiful woman I know, inside and out.

Thank you for being an excellent mother and for trying to give me all the best in the world, but I don’t want to change my face. It’s my legacy from you."

 

[EstherTherese]

Sigh… I really do love the suggestions. And thank you very much, I will pray about it/

But my mom argues that my nose is inherited from my dad, and is unattractive on females.

I guess to her its… if you’re insecure/bothered by something on your face and have the funds to change it, why not?
and its starting to get to me too.

What if down the line I regret not having my nose done when my mom offered to pay for it? What if I do get it and sadly I do feel better?

 

[Rascalking]

What if down the line I regret not having my nose done when my mom offered to pay for it? What if I do get it and sadly I do feel better?

The regret part-we all have regrets about stuff. The trick is not to be overwhelmed by them. You cannot live your life by the saying, “If I don’t do this, I might regret it later.” You’ll go insane.

If you get and you do feel better about yourself? Who cares? Not everything that feels good is sinful. Some stuff is morally neutral. Plastic surgery for the most part, is such. Yes, it can be abused, but everything can as well.

 

[nickybr38]

God gave you the nose He intended you to have. Things like braces and makeup and wigs do not disorder that which God has created. Plastic surgery, however, is attempting to infringe on what God has already made good.

I know there are extreme cases where plastic surgery is required to live a normal life, however, you DO NOT require this surgery to live a good, normal life.

Your mothers desire to alter the nose and eyelids God gave you... Id argue that was insulting to God Himself.

And what if the surgery goes wrong. What if you end up with something much worse then you have now.

I dont fully understand the Korean culture but tell your mother at this time youre not comfortable with doing this. Pray much and ask her to do the same. Tell her you respect her, but maybe tell her that you believe God gave you the face He intended you to have and you will put your faith in Him not man`s ideal of beauty.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Your Mom has scheduled ellective plastic surgery, and you don’t consent? And she’s been planning this?

She wants you to change your face permanantly. Insist that you don’t want do. Get outside help if you need.

My DD might have my DH’s nose. When I look at her all I see is a beautiful little girl.

 

[LoyalViews]

“Beauty is in the Eye of the beholder”…remember? If you think you look just fine, what does it matter if anybody else thinks otherwide? Though, I think your Mother wants the best for you, maybe that’s why she is asking you to get it done. The suggestions that everyone has posted is wonderful advice!

 

[cmscms]

I live in Canada so I do not know what it is like in the USA. But is what she is doing even legal? If you told the doctor yourself you did NOT want the procedure, can he even go ahead and do it?

My heart bleeds for you. It must hurt terrbily to have your mom push this idea

CM

 

[former_Catholic]

Mother learned from Grandmother… who was a child in the war and lived in its aftermath. It is not possible to fully comprehend what that was like without having lived it oneself.

The thing about war… all war… is that the men go away and they die in vast numbers.
The thing about women after a war… all war…is that there are too few men left worth marrying…
and so only the most beautiful women will be chosen by them for marriage…
and so the rest must settle for… something less than marriage.

Because beautiful women attract men like flies, beauty in women is power.
In a society in which most everything is controlled by men… beauty, and the power it brings to attract and hold powerful men, becomes the woman’s meager chance at power in society.
This phenomenon is bad enough without war, but after a war… this phenomenon becomes horrifyingly bad as women compete with one another to marry and hang onto the few men worth marrying that remain after a war… and the rest settle for… something less.
It has always been this way.

So you see where Mother learned this?
In South Korea after the war, to be more western, to blend in with and appeal to the anglos and the Japanese business interests…was genuine power in society… and, of course, to be as beautiful as possible after the war was power that would guarantee beating out the horrendous competition of women for the surviving men worth marrying, without having to settle for… something less.

But where does this leave you now, today, especially as globalization and the business interests of the East are becoming powerful and those of the Anglo West comparatively weaker? If the Chinese market becomes the new rising star on the business horizon, honey, you would want to look more Chinese and as less Western as you can when negotiating contracts with Chinese business interests and selling into the Chinese market, for sure! The surgery might not be in your best interests in your future career at all!

Of course, if you honestly wish to have a South Korean man as a husband and smoothly fit into the heights of South Korean society, your best bet would be to fit in with and surpass all the South Korean girls your age and you would want to consider the surgery from the perspective of girls your age in South Korea. It’s the “when in Rome, do as the Romans or you’ll not be accepted by their society” scenario.

Of course, if you honestly wish to focus on living your life as a Korean-American, such would pretty well require you to demand the right to claim and express your ethnicity and individuality and uniqueness as something worth believing in and fighting for, and accept nothing less than that others honor, value, respect and regard you as …beautiful!.. exactly as you are.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Your Mom has scheduled ellective plastic surgery, and you don’t consent? And she’s been planning this?

She wants you to change your face permanantly. Insist that you don’t want do. Get outside help if you need.

My thoughts exactly. What do you want? Trust me, this is not like getting braces or going on a diet. This is surgery. It’s not a little routine nip, no matter what people say. My father is a plastic surgeon so I’ve learned a thing or two over the years.
If I were unsure I wouldn’t do it. Pressure you’re under is just not fair. Plus, you can tell your mom that a woman is more than a pretty face (not saying you’re not pretty as you are, I just have this thing against Barbie style artificial beauty)

 

[lizaanne]

I’m not sure how to feel about it. The date for my operation is probably early August. I’ve objected to my mom before, but she tells me how she’s been planning this for so long and that many girls beg their mom for such procedures.

As a Catholic, how should I respond to this?

Tell the surgeon you do NOT want the surgery. He can not go against your wishes for an elective cosmetic procedure, regardless of what your mother says. If he is any sort of professional he should ask to meet with you privately before the surgery. He is not required to have this access because you are a minor, but he should at least ask. If you are 18 by the time this occurs then you have the ability to make your own decisions on such matters.

Remember - for the rest of your life, every single time you look in the mirror you will see the face your mother wanted, not the face you were born with and wished to keep. Forever is a long time. Be brave - tell her no.

~Liza

 

[manualman]

“Mom, you just told me that the nose God put on my face is ‘unattractive.’ I appreciate you being willing to spend money on me like this, but WHAT kind of mother SAYS that to her child???!”

She needs an emotional slap. Hard one.

 

[Joannm]

My daughter, who is now 25, has a slight deformity on her nose. It is a piece of cartilage that forms a ridge of sorts. Here in my area it is very common for teen age girls to get plastic surgery on their nose. i could not afford it but I had always thought that if I came into some money I would help her get the surgery. Finally, a few months ago, I got a big bonus at work and offered to assist her in getting surgery. “For what,” she said, “no one is going to touch my nose, I like it like this, it is unique.” Here for years I was thinking it was affecting her negativly and I would never bring attention to it even though I thought it was bothering her. She has had it checked out and it is a harmless deformity and since I now know she likes it I can spend my bonus on more necessary things…like maybe a vacation.

 

[noclevername]

My ex husband is Korean and he had cousins who had this surgery. A lot of times Koreans have this surgery because they think it makes them look “more American” and helps them in the US. I really don’t understand why anyone would want to look more American. I think Asian people are so beautiful and I love their eyes. And I loved his cousins who got this surgery but I always thought it made them look sad. It cuts the muscle that pulls their eyes back and they end up looking droopy.

And I do understand the Korean culture. It’s really hard in that culture to go against your mother. What about your grandmother? Is she in the picture? Talk to your grandmother and tell her you don’t want the surgery and see what she says and have her talk to your mother. Maybe that will help.

Good luck.

 

[former_Catholic]

And I loved his cousins who got this surgery but I always thought it made them look sad. It cuts the muscle that pulls their eyes back and they end up looking droopy.

Yes, when they are younger they look tighter and plastic
and when they are older they look droopy.

And I do understand the Korean culture. It’s really hard in that culture to go against your mother. What about your grandmother? Is she in the picture? Talk to your grandmother

Yes. Ask Grandmother what it’s like to live in a country that was a battlefield between empires. Ask about an entire generation that had to look and speak as *Japanese *as possible not to be put up against a wall and shot.
Ask about a generation torn by a civil war that never really ended and in which if you looked too much like the *other *side, you might be put up against a wall and shot.
Sigh. It’s not easy to grow up in a battlefield.
Go back far enough in history and they would have been mercilessly crushing your feet into lily feet in order to help you look more pleasing to the then ruling Manchu empire. It wasn’t all that long ago. As a very young child, I saw an ancient woman with lily feet. I was 4 and her feet were no bigger than mine and it was absolutely horrifying to see them… so useless.
Where does it ever end? With you? With your own children? With your grandchildren?

I’ll say one thing about living in the U.S. If you do not hang onto that piece of your heart and soul that is authentically you and authentically Korean in this country…
you will lose that part of yourself and your heart and soul forever in the great deluge of mass-marketed garbage that wells up out of the storm drains of L.A.
This country laughably mass markets that garbage that wells up out of the storm drains of L.A. as “American” or “Global” culture…
and those who lack of a solid sense of self, heart, and soul actually buy it…and keep buying it…
in a never-ending attempt to fill up a part of their hearts and souls that is forever…
empty.

 

[freerf]

I think you are rad for questioning the need for this surgery. so many girls these days are up for anything that might make them more attractive.

I know this girl with a really big nose who could have got surgery simply to make it more appealing but never did. to me, however, the confidence she showed by not doing the surgery reflected an inner confidence that i admired. ('course she later got implants…)

My suggestion if you don’t want an all out confrontation with your mother is to just DELAY. Don’t say no, just say, well, maybe next year (when your 18). Next year, say, well, maybe after college, etc. etc…

 

[EstherTherese]

“Mom, you just told me that the nose God put on my face is ‘unattractive.’ I appreciate you being willing to spend money on me like this, but WHAT kind of mother SAYS that to her child???!”

She needs an emotional slap. Hard one.

I appreciate your help, but this sort of talk is almost impossible. noclever name posted

“And I do understand the Korean culture. It’s really hard in that culture to go against your mother.”

Talking back, and especially using religious reasons is just me being naiive and sanctimonious.

Do I want it? I don’t know. Most don’t get an oppurtunity to change themselves like this. It won’t be a dramatic, westernized rhinoplasty. My mom insists that it’ll be a subtle alteration that compliments my face more.
I’m too scared to tell anyone about it, because I feel like they’d judge my mom. I’ve really only told one of my closest friends and the internet.

 

[Sheeniac]

There are a lot of Asian women who get the eye surgery and are very upset with the ‘AFTER’. Not all of it is that it doesn’t look good, but that there are real medical complications. I’ve visited a website where people discuss such things… (I toy with the idea of plastic surgery). I think you need to really want this because there are risks. Perhaps your mother will relent if approached from that perspective.

 

[ChristinaM]

I appreciate your help, but this sort of talk is almost impossible. noclever name posted

“And I do understand the Korean culture. It’s really hard in that culture to go against your mother.”

Talking back, and especially using religious reasons is just me being naiive and sanctimonious.

Do I want it? I don’t know. Most don’t get an oppurtunity to change themselves like this. It won’t be a dramatic, westernized rhinoplasty. My mom insists that it’ll be a subtle alteration that compliments my face more.
I’m too scared to tell anyone about it, because I feel like they’d judge my mom. I’ve really only told one of my closest friends and the internet.

Let me tell you right off, I know exactly what you mean. My mother is also from an Asian culture. I was raised never to show any disrespect or go against her wishes in any way. She tends to take any contradiction of her wishes as a personal insult, and she never forgets anything. I could never talk to her the way my American friends talked to their parents. It was unthinkable for me to “talk back” to her at all.

Some things, though, are worth making a fuss over. This is one of them. Do you really want a surgery you might be unhappy with, all to please your mother? Do you really want to change your face because of some misguided idea she has about how it will improve your life? Think about it. As a half-Asian myself, I find it sad that so many Asian women are getting this surgery to conform to some fictional “Caucasian” standard of beauty.

You need to stand up to your mom or she’s going to keep trying to run your life. Trust me on this one, I know. Obviously you are a very smart girl, you got into Notre Dame. You have a bright future ahead of you, one in which you will need to be strong and make your own decisions. Some of those decisions may be ones your mother will not approve of, and you have to be ready for that. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, but you have to do it.

Don’t try to use sophisticated arguments with her. The next time she brings it up, just calmly tell her you don’t want the surgery and you’re not going to get it, and leave it at that. Personally, if I were inclined to argue, I’d tell her it’s unfilial to change the face that she and your dad gave you But I think being quiet and firm will be best here. If she pitches a fit, walk away. If she makes you go to the plastic surgeon for a consult, tell the doc that you don’t want the surgery. There’s no way they could do a surgery on you against your own will.

What about your dad? What does he think about this whole mess?