My Mother wants me to get Plastic Surgery

[ChristinaM]

Go back far enough in history and they would have been mercilessly crushing your feet into lily feet in order to help you look more pleasing to the then ruling Manchu empire. It wasn’t all that long ago. As a very young child, I saw an ancient woman with lily feet. I was 4 and her feet were no bigger than mine and it was absolutely horrifying to see them… so useless.

BTW…that was a Chinese custom, not Korean, and the Manchu rulers actually opposed it. Not all Chinese women practiced it, either.

Sorry to be pedantic, I’m a history geek, and it’s a pet peeve of mine when people conflate the different Asian cultures.

 

[former_Catholic]

BTW…that was a Chinese custom, not Korean, and the Manchu rulers actually opposed it. Not all Chinese women practiced it, either.
Sorry to be pedantic, I’m a history geek, and it’s a pet peeve of mine when people conflate the different Asian cultures.

Of course it was a Chinese, not a Korean custom, that’s the point.
It was a Chinese custom for 1000 years that beauty and social success meant having little feet in China, and China was the “big empire on the block.” The Manchus conquered the place and banned their Manchu women from footbinding, and the Manchu women themselves took up schrunching their feet into little wooden platform shoes to mimic having little feet too. It didn’t even matter that they were the ruling class for gosh sakes! The “big empire on the block” had dictated that little feet were “beautiful” and “prized” and larger ones designated one as being “less attractive” and that was that…
So if you came from a tributory vassal state (Korea) and you wanted to impress and do business with and appeal to the sensibilities of the big empire on the block (China) hovering over you like a dragon… you’d be schrunching your feet into little wooden platform shoes too in order to guarantee your social success.

Then it was the Japanese that insisted on playing the part of the “big empire on the block”…
is this where smaller nose shapes became “beautiful” and “prized” and larger ones designated one as being “less attractive”?

Then it was the West that insisted on playing the part of the “big empire on the block”
is this where lifted eyelids became “beautiful” and “prized” and heavier eyelids designated one as being “less attractive”?

Sigh.
So what’s next? Who’s our next contestant for playing the part of the “big empire on the block” that sets the “standard” for what is considered more and less “beautiful,” and what are women willing to do to themselves to attain it?

It’s not easy to live in a country that has been a battlefield between empires, but it’s one thing to change your clothes and shoes and your flag and your language with the tides of who’s the big empire on the block this time around…
but it’s another to change one’s body, to change one’s self permanently to meet the beauty standards of the latest big empire on the block…
when empires come and go.

 

[Lrabbitt]

Dear Esther Therese - Although I live at the other end of the age spectrum, I too am under pressure from my brother and my mother to have cosmetic surgery - an “eye lift” to make me look younger - as older women are supposedly not respected in American society.

As a healthcare professional, my argument against this is anesthesia for other than medically necessary procedures represents an unacceptable risk. Many a healthy young person has suffered anesthesia complications for “simple” cosmetic procedures.

As a Catholic, I also cannot justify the cost of cosmetic surgery when there are children starving in the world. It would be a powerful message for you to respectfully ask your mother to consider donating the cost of the surgery to help a cause such as the Franciscans who care for limbless lepers in Africa.

It’s hard to challenge parental wishes - even at my age. And the temptation to look beautiful is real in our materialistic society. I am sure your mom only has your best in mind. What a blessing to remind her of true beauty. I support you with my prayers and best wishes. Leslie

 

[former_Catholic]

As a healthcare professional, my argument against this is anesthesia for other than medically necessary procedures represents an unacceptable risk. Many a healthy young person has suffered anesthesia complications for “simple” cosmetic procedures.

Excellent, excellent point!

 

[Adrienne5678]

I recommend you watch the movie “Penelope” It will probably help you understand how you and others around you should see themselves. I love it.

 

[rawt]

I really encourage you to spend your years in college debating this before you have cosmetic surgery. You’re going to Notre Dame, I’m from the area and it’s a very culturally diverse campus. I also think that you’ll gain perspective about how you fit into this world during those valuable 4 years at a university.

For now, tell your mother that you appreciate her concern and if she’s set on the procedure (and you’re uncertain), have her put the money into savings.

Also, I don’t know what the recovery time is but school starts at the end of August, so I wouldn’t want to go off to school still recovering. Best of luck

 

[RobNY]

You may not quite yet be a full adult legally but you are an adult as a moral actor.

It is important to have correct and respectful lines drawn between any child and a parent, but as an adult you simply cannot let your mother make adult decisions for you. These decisions simply aren’t hers to make even if she is bankrolling it.

My first argument is that you are already beautiful and healthy. There is no need for a purely elective surgery if you are already beautiful and healthy. Oh don’t get me wrong, I know that you might not perceive yourself that way, and your mother isn’t helping by criticizing how you look, but you are. I honestly can’t think of any of the girls I know of Asian ancestry who aren’t beautiful.

My second argument is prudential. If you have doubts, don’t do it. You can always decide later to do it, but you can’t decide to have not done it after you do it.

My third argument is that this is simply the wrong time. Freshman year of college is such an incredible treat and you’re going to grow socially, psychologically, emotionally… and hopefully spiritually… so much. You’re going to have a whole new group of friends. After a year of being around this people, talk to them, give them your concerns and ask them what they think. I would bet you any amount of money that your new friends wouldn’t bat an eye before telling you not to do it. You’ll meet people who will affirm that you are God’s wonderful creation, exactly as you are-- people who will give you a real glimpse into God’s unconditional love for you (I’ve been blessed with such at experience at college, which I just graduated from). Only once you’ve had the maturity of being in adult friendships with people like this will you have the perspective to see whether what your mother wants for you in the small world you inhabit… is really what’s good for you.

Lastly, there’s some just beautiful about natural. Girls who slop incredible amounts of makeup on their bodies or get those ugly orange tans, and wear unnatural clothing… it’s just unattractive. The danger with plastic surgery is… well, how will it come out? Will it look plastic and fake? As good artisans as some surgeons are… it’ll never match the natural beauty that you already have. My goodness, I’m thinking of a close friend of mine whose ancestry (through her mother) is Filipino. She has gorgeous Asian features, but not stereotypical or ‘favored’ features’ like some people want (like a slender nose, or whatever is counted as beautiful by some)-- and although her features aren’t the ordinary ones which a magazine would look for in a model… she’s simply so gorgeous. I can’t stand the thought that we might lose your distinctive and individual beauty for someone’s cookie cutter idea of what ‘beauty’ is.

Ah, look how much I’ve written, I don’t know what’s gotten into me. God bless you. May he give you strength. Pray the third sorrowful mystery of the Rosary-- the crowning with thorns-- and beg the Lord for courage.

-Rob

 

[snowlake]

I’m not sure how to feel about it. The date for my operation is probably early August. I’ve objected to my mom before, but she tells me how she’s been planning this for so long and that many girls beg their mom for such procedures.

As a Catholic, how should I respond to this?

I’m sure you will have at least 1 or more appointments with the surgeon beforehand, and any well-trained, reputable surgeon is always on the lookout for people having surgery “for
the wrong reasons”. If you ask the Holy Spirit to give you the courage to speak up at the
pre-op appts, I’m sure you will be able to convey to the doctor that you don’t want the surgery, or even just that you have reservations about it. Pray to St. Therese and her mother Zelie Martin to obtain the grace for you, your mother and the doctor to do the right thing.

Even though this might cause some trouble at home for a time, it’s better than it causing a lifetime of trouble if you go through with the surgery and then regret it later.

You said your mother is a devout Catholic. Contact her priest! If this is hard to do from your home, speak with him about it in the confessional. After absolution, you can speak freely with him about it, and since it isn’t within the context of confession, he might be able to talk to your Mom about it.

 

[EstherTherese]

Dear Esther Therese - Although I live at the other end of the age spectrum, I too am under pressure from my brother and my mother to have cosmetic surgery - an “eye lift” to make me look younger - as older women are supposedly not respected in American society.

As a healthcare professional, my argument against this is anesthesia for other than medically necessary procedures represents an unacceptable risk. Many a healthy young person has suffered anesthesia complications for “simple” cosmetic procedures.

As a Catholic, I also cannot justify the cost of cosmetic surgery when there are children starving in the world. It would be a powerful message for you to respectfully ask your mother to consider donating the cost of the surgery to help a cause such as the Franciscans who care for limbless lepers in Africa.

It’s hard to challenge parental wishes - even at my age. And the temptation to look beautiful is real in our materialistic society. I am sure your mom only has your best in mind. What a blessing to remind her of true beauty. I support you with my prayers and best wishes. Leslie

I’m sorry for the horribly late reply, but your story touches me too. Its not just my mother, but my father too who feels I need the operation.
I’m glad I have someone who empathizes with me. and thank you, my mom has done very much for me, and she does want the best. Its just different than what I had in mind.
I’ll keep you in my prayers.

 

[EstherTherese]

Let me tell you right off, I know exactly what you mean. My mother is also from an Asian culture. I was raised never to show any disrespect or go against her wishes in any way. She tends to take any contradiction of her wishes as a personal insult, and she never forgets anything. I could never talk to her the way my American friends talked to their parents. It was unthinkable for me to “talk back” to her at all.

Some things, though, are worth making a fuss over. This is one of them. Do you really want a surgery you might be unhappy with, all to please your mother? Do you really want to change your face because of some misguided idea she has about how it will improve your life? Think about it. As a half-Asian myself, I find it sad that so many Asian women are getting this surgery to conform to some fictional “Caucasian” standard of beauty.

You need to stand up to your mom or she’s going to keep trying to run your life. Trust me on this one, I know. Obviously you are a very smart girl, you got into Notre Dame. You have a bright future ahead of you, one in which you will need to be strong and make your own decisions. Some of those decisions may be ones your mother will not approve of, and you have to be ready for that. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, but you have to do it.

Don’t try to use sophisticated arguments with her. The next time she brings it up, just calmly tell her you don’t want the surgery and you’re not going to get it, and leave it at that. Personally, if I were inclined to argue, I’d tell her it’s unfilial to change the face that she and your dad gave you But I think being quiet and firm will be best here. If she pitches a fit, walk away. If she makes you go to the plastic surgeon for a consult, tell the doc that you don’t want the surgery. There’s no way they could do a surgery on you against your own will.

What about your dad? What does he think about this whole mess?

Thank you for understanding. I am also very amazed at how my white friends are able to talk to their parents. I barely have arguments because it is often me listening and nodding to her lectures.
Unfortunately, my dad agrees that I should have the operation as well. In fact, he told my mom I needed it. This is what swayed me the most.

 

[EstherTherese]

Hello everyone:

I understand this is an old thread, but I feel I should post an update.
Thank you for all the prayers, advice, and encouragement. I feel so selfish but humbled on these forums, often asking for guidance and receiving plenty but almost never commenting on others’ threads myself.

The final decision has been made. My operation is next week, August 9th. I’m sorry if I disappointed any of you, but it is what it is.

I talked to a priest about this. He does not condone me or the practice, but reminded me that the most beautiful woman he’s ever known was one he’s never seen, Mother Mary. The priest was very compassionate and said he feels I am beautiful without it.
He and my best friend are the only people who I’ve told about this in person.

Please pray for me. When i first visited the surgeon’s office with my mom, I cried because I was so scared. but there is no going back, and I hope I don’t hold any regrets.

Once again, thank you all for your insight and time.

 

[former_Catholic]

The final decision has been made. My operation is next week, August 9th.

God will be with you; and you’ll be just fine, you’ll see. Blessings!

 

[St_Francis]

I hadn’t noticed the dates on this thread. I hope it all goes well for you, but please remember that if you decide to change your mind, you can, on the off-hand chance you do. If you do it, I hope that everything goes smoothly and that it is very successful.

I don’t want to alarm you, but if you are going to college for the fall semester, *please *ask the doctor how you will feel *and look *when you arrive.

 

[gam3rchic]

Please pray for me. When i first visited the surgeon’s office with my mom, I cried because I was so scared. but there is no going back, and I hope I don’t hold any regrets.

Once again, thank you all for your insight and time.

Of course you’re scared, even elective cosmetic surgeries carry risk. I’ve seen people get major infections from these elective surgeries.

Sorry, but after working the medical field I think it’s absolutely foolish to go under the knife for a reason that’s purely cosmetic and vain. The risks are too high IMO.

Also, when you say there is no going back, what do you mean by that? Do you think you can’t get out of the surgery anymore? Hon, you could show up the day of your surgery and refuse the procedure and they can’t touch you. You can refuse at ANY TIME and they have to respect that under the law, otherwise that is assault.

Prayers for you for whatever you decide and if you do the surgery that it is complication-free.

 

[jawgee]

Keeping you in my prayers. The Korean culture values these things, I understand (my MIL is Korean). I pray that things go well for you.

 

[ChristinaM]

Unfortunately, my dad agrees that I should have the operation as well. In fact, he told my mom I needed it. This is what swayed me the most.

I am so, so sorry to hear this. I don’t know what to say other than you are obviously under a lot of pressure and it’s not easy to stand up to it. I wish you and all my sisters from Asian cultures (heck, from all cultures!) were able to see that you do not need the hand of man to “correct” the wonderful and beautiful work that the hand of God has done.

I hope for your sake you don’t have cause to regret your decision in the years to come.

I still think it’s horrible that any surgeon would do a plastic surgery on someone who doesn’t want it. Is this going to happen in the US or in Korea? I’m guessing Korea…

 

[ChristinaM]

I don’t want to alarm you, but if you are going to college for the fall semester, please ask the doctor how you will feel and look when you arrive.

Excellent point. I would hate for your freshman experience here at ND to be marred by this in any way. The start of the fall semester and freshman orientation is coming up, real quick.