My mother's feeling about life

[kovacs725]

I was raised catholic by my mother. I havent been living a good catholic life until I found that I wasnt in such a nice relationship with Christ. I kept failing at sins but I prayed that this might change one day. It changed when I got into a deeper relationship with Him. I began to get better at catholicism. I read the Bible, prayed, told Him my sins everyday. I got rid of many sinful things. After all I felt the call of vocation. Im planning learn to be a priest after high school. This was a long process and all glory is due to God.

The situation is that my mother is really disappointed in life. I cant manage her to deepen her relationship with Christ as she thinks that He stole me because I am an only child. She is actually worried about me taking faith seriously. At our parish the priest told my parents that they darent talk me out of my vocation so they are also mad at him. On the other hand she goes to church, tries to live the custom but I am still worried and I want ideas to engage her into catholic life as I was engaged. She says herself that she is Thomas who didnt believe. She is really terrified about the thought me leaving for seminary, because she would be home alone as my father works abroad. I pray for her all the time and I try to engage in conversations but she is difficult to talk to. She is kinda melancolic. My vocation is on solid ground, so from next year Im attending a priestschool either to be a monk or a regular priest.
Im praying rosary and asking God to give her graces but she has to be more willing to accept in order to live a meaningful life. Our city is really out of God’s hands too so it’s harder to start living faithfully. It also makes her time in the city tough. She is worried that Im a fanatic or something because I take my faith seriuosly which is connected to her. How can I show her the beauties of catholic life? Our parish is not helping much unfortunatly. I willingly accept prayers and ideas.

 

[Chiltepin]

You may be able to find help and suggestions when you do go to seminary. Unfortunately there are are many mothers who feel this way or atleast have a struggle with it. I imagine you will meet people who have been through the same thing.

I for one would be overwhelmed with joy if my son (he’s only 5 months old, for some frame of reference) found his vocation was to the priesthood. Tell her that some people get a handfull of grandchildren, but you will be Father to an entire congregation, so she will have A LOT of grandchildren.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

How can I show her the beauties of catholic life? Our parish is not helping much unfortunatly.

This happened to my mother. I don’t know what level of faith her mother had before she defied her wishes to become a nun (she left the convent before her final vows to seek a vocation to marriage, which is why I am here), but she definitely blamed the church for it, and as far as I can tell, my grandmother never made her peace with the Church in her lifetime.

My opinion is that it is terribly unfair for a parent to put the kind of pressure on an only child that doesn’t allow them to follow their own dreams. I don’t know how reasonable your mother is, but at some point, she needs to realize that you are not just a vehicle for her to get those grandkids she wants (or whatever else it is she hopes for her life that includes you not being a priest). Does she realize that you not becoming a priest doesn’t guarantee marriage and grandkids? Does she realize how pushy it is to try to force someone into a life they don’t want? My guess though is that she is so full of grief and fear that she isn’t thinking very rationally about it right now. I’m not sure that you need to show her how beautiful the Catholic Church is, as much as show her that YOU are a better person because of it. Let your faith make you a kinder, more pleasant, more respectful son. Let your mother see that you can still laugh with her.

Also, you mention you are planning this after high school. If it were my son, I would advise him to go to college first, before entering seminary. I would encourage him to go to a college that would support Catholic life, but I would hope that he would get a degree, and take some time as an adult (every year adds maturity and wisdom to your decisions at this point in your life) for discernment. I would tell him that one can give all glory to God through a vocation to marriage as well. I certainly can’t judge your vocation, nor would I want to judge my son’s, but I would want to make sure my son was making a thoughtful decision with all of the facts. And I know of enough people who thought they were called to one thing in their teens, but ended up being called to something else in their 20’s, that I would tell my son to try to be patient and give it a little more time, and make sure that such a major life decision is a mature one.

That said, are you thinking about becoming a diocesan priest? If so, your mother certainly isn’t losing you. Perhaps your mother would be consoled to be reminded that you won’t have a mother-in-law to share holidays with, and that you won’t have any need to move far away, as you will always be committed to the boundaries of your diocese. Given the job climate and forced mobility that results in so many extended families ending up on opposite sides of the country, becoming a diocesan priest may actually ensure that she DOESN’T lose you.

 

[TechMan]

I cant manage her to deepen her relationship with Christ as she thinks that He stole me because I am an only child. She is actually worried about me taking faith seriously. At our parish the priest told my parents that they darent talk me out of my vocation so they are also mad at him.

Speaking as the father of three kids in their late teens and early twenties, and as a lifelong practicing Catholic who takes his faith seriously, and as someone who has encouraged his kids to consider the priesthood and religious life, I can still understand how your mother feels. It’s not easy for a parent, even one who understands the beauty of, and need for, the priesthood and religious life, to let go. It takes a lot of faith. Especially, I would think, in the case of an only child. Your mother probably looks forward to having grandchildren, which won’t happen if you become a priest. Her concerns about being alone are valid, and real. Don’t dismiss them as unimportant. Loneliness in old age is heartbreaking. I’m not saying these concerns should dissuade you from the priesthood. I’m just saying that if you haven’t yet graduated from high school, you probably don’t yet have the life experience to understand these powerful fears and emotions your mother is having. Never forget that if you do become a priest, it will require a lot of generosity and sacrifice from your parents, too. The priesthood is, in many ways you do not yet see, a vocation for the priest’s parents, too. They will have to forego the joys of being grandparents. They will have to live without seeing you as often as they would like. They will have to learn to see your parishioners and all those you minister to as their spiritual grandchildren. It requires a lot of faith on their part to enter into that joy, rather than the joy they had once hoped for.

There’s no reason to continually make an issue out of this. Doing so at this point will only harden her in her opposition. It’s not anything you can fix. Put it ENTIRELY in God’s hands. It will be many years before a decision to become a priest is final. There’s plenty of time for God to work on her soul.

 

[TechMan]

I’m not sure that you need to show her how beautiful the Catholic Church is, as much as show her that YOU are a better person because of it. Let your faith make you a kinder, more pleasant, more respectful son. Let your mother see that you can still laugh with her.

Excellent! Guaranteed that this will do more to ease her fears and piqué her interest in growing in her faith than anything else you can do at this point!

 

[St_Francis]

I have 2 children in college and 2 still at home.

It is very hard and sad for the parents to contemplate their children leaving, even if they still have some left at home! But as the time comes closer, it is easier. As somekne who could not imagine her then-only 1-year-old being allowed to cross the street by herself ever! when the child is old enough it becomes easier: my children did start crossing the street on their own at the right time.

Your mother would probably be sad no matter what you did, esp if you are talking about it a few years ahead. If you went away to college, she would still be alone. If you married, some girl would have stolen you away. So don’t think of this as necessarily directed at the Church and something you could fix if you changed your plans.

What I would suggest is to not talk about it much to her but continue with your plans. Work to spend time with her so she doesn’t feel lonely, talk with her a lot even if it seems awkward, and do little things for her around the house, ask her if she needs you to run an errand for her when you go out, dishes, etc.

And remember this is ultimately her problem to solve, hard as that sounds. Maybe if you started doing some volunteer work with children or in an area that interests her, you can invite her to join you and this will help her start forming a new foundation for her life.

It’s tough being in your shoes, but it’s also tough for her, so give her extra hugs as well.

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

My children are now young adults and both of their employments would be listed as in the most riskiest of professions however I supported them and let them go while praying for them. In addition to this, a great deal of my work was turned away during 2012 to spend the last bit of time around them both, knowing that life was changing and I am not ‘needed’ as much as I once was and time for me during the latter part of 2012 to take up more callings and carry those out on top of more work planned for 2013.

If you could get your Mother to say Our Lady’s Holy Rosary, your Mother should be kept extremely busy indeed! The solution to all of your concerns and your Mother’s are after The Holy Rosary is prayed daily.

 

[LilyM]

While understandable, your situation might not be much better if you decided not to go to seminary. You would likely still have to move for study or to find work, after all.

Does your father know about her fears? What is his response?

 

[HolyRosaryChild]

I actually meant ‘the solution, in my opinion, is that after The Holy Rosary is prayed, Our Lady Mary should keep your Mother extremely busy indeed’! as that is exactly what occurred with myself during 2012.

Happy New Year and how selfless you are sacrificing a materialistic world and luxuries to become a Priest and thousands of people over many years throughout your life journey.

I would be most proud and ecstatic to have one of my children become a Priest knowing that his soul journey is rewarded in Heaven later.

 

[kovacs725]

While understandable, your situation might not be much better if you decided not to go to seminary. You would likely still have to move for study or to find work, after all.

Does your father know about her fears? What is his response?

My father is an other bad factor as he is completely against my vocation as he doesnt believe at all. His reaction was more understandable to me. He is completely against Church and hierarchy among priests. He has always been ok with us going to church though. Now he is sick of all things connected to God.

 

[Eleanor61]

I have four sons. I have deliberately refrained from actively encouraging them from going into the priesthood, as I have seen far too much of the opposite situation, where the mother raised the boy with the expectation that he would be a priest, and put a lot of pressure on him to do so. It is ugly to watch and does not help the church, as such situations often blow up with collateral damage. Vocations ome from God, not mom.
That said, I would never discourage an adult child with a vocation to the the religious life from pursuing it. Two of my boys had enough interest to speak to priets about it, but feeI more called to marriage. I would be uneasy about someone who had not completed at least two years of college making that decision.
I do sympathize with your mother, but agree that her attitude should not ultimately affect your decision. Take your time. If it is meant to be it will happen, but proceeding slowly and deliberately will at least show her that you are making a mature, considered, and unshakable decision. Do not be giddy, silly, tell everyone you meet that you are going to be a priest, play at ostentatious pieties, etc. I have witnessed all of these behaviors in the last year in students I taught.
I am sorry about your father’s attitude, but it is unlikely that you can affect that.

 

[LilyM]

My father is an other bad factor as he is completely against my vocation as he doesnt believe at all. His reaction was more understandable to me. He is completely against Church and hierarchy among priests. He has always been ok with us going to church though. Now he is sick of all things connected to God.

I didn’t mean so much about your vocation as a of your mother’s fears of being alone. After all, in the normal course of things you’re probably not going to stay at home much longer than you would if you went to seminary.

 

[EasterJoy]

Your mother’s feelings are nothing new, and not rare, but they are sad, nevertheless, and carry their dangers. This is from the papal encyclical, Ad Catholici Sacerdotii, written by Pope Pius XI in 1935 (boldface and underline, obviously):

*"But the first and most natural place where the flowers of the sanctuary should almost spontaneously grow and bloom, remains always the truly and deeply Christian family. Most of the saintly bishops and priests whose “praise the Church declares,” owe the beginning of their vocation and their holiness to example and teaching of a father strong in faith and manly virtues, of a pure and devoted mother, and of a family in which the love of God and neighbor, joined with simplicity of life, has reigned supreme. To this ordinary rule of divine Providence exceptions are rare and only serve to prove the rule. …

…In such a home it is scarcely possible that, while all seek to copy their parents’ example, none of the sons should listen to and accept the invitation of the Divine Master: “Come ye after Me, and I will make you to be fishers of men.” Blessed are those Christian parents who are able to accept without fear the vocations of their sons, and see in them a signal honor for their family and a mark of the special love and providence of Our Lord. Still more blessed, if, as was often the case in ages of greater faith, they make such divine visitations the object of their earnest prayer.

Yet it must be confessed with sadness that only too often parents seem to be unable to resign themselves to the priestly or religious vocations of their children. Such parents have no scruple in opposing the divine call with objections of all kinds; they even have recourse to means which can imperil not only the vocation to a more perfect state, but also the very conscience and the eternal salvation of those souls they ought to hold so dear. This happens all too often in the case even of parents who glory in being sincerely Christian and Catholic, especially in the higher and more cultured classes. This is a deplorable abuse, like that unfortunately prevalent in centuries past, of forcing children into the ecclesiastical career without the fitness of a vocation. It hardly does honor to those higher classes of society, which are on the whole so scantily represented in the ranks of the clergy. The lack of vocations in families of the middle and upper classes may be partly explained by the dissipations of modern life, the seductions, which especially in the larger cities, prematurely awaken the passions of youth; the schools in many places which scarcely conduce to the development of vocations. Nevertheless, it must be admitted that such a scarcity reveals a deplorable falling off of faith in the families themselves. Did they indeed look at things in the light of faith, what greater dignity could Christian parents desire for their sons, what ministry more noble, than that which, as We have said, is worthy of the veneration of men and angels? A long and sad experience has shown that a vocation betrayed - the word is not to be thought too strong - is a source of tears not only for the sons but also for the ill-advised parents; and God grant that such tears be not so long delayed as to become eternal tears." *

Now, it is possible that the OP does not in fact have a vocation to the priesthood. Many is the pious man who has considered that perhaps he had a call to the priesthood who found otherwise after he opened himself to be pursued by that call. Time will tell. The main thing, OP, is to pursue obedience, and let God take care of the rest.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have four sons. I have deliberately refrained from actively encouraging them from going into the priesthood, as I have seen far too much of the opposite situation, where the mother raised the boy with the expectation that he would be a priest, and put a lot of pressure on him to do so. It is ugly to watch and does not help the church, as such situations often blow up with collateral damage. Vocations ome from God, not mom.
That said, I would never discourage an adult child with a vocation to the the religious life from pursuing it. Two of my boys had enough interest to speak to priets about it, but feeI more called to marriage. I would be uneasy about someone who had not completed at least two years of college making that decision.
I do sympathize with your mother, but agree that her attitude should not ultimately affect your decision. Take your time. If it is meant to be it will happen, but proceeding slowly and deliberately will at least show her that you are making a mature, considered, and unshakable decision. Do not be giddy, silly, tell everyone you meet that you are going to be a priest, play at ostentatious pieties, etc. I have witnessed all of these behaviors in the last year in students I taught.
I am sorry about your father’s attitude, but it is unlikely that you can affect that.

The idea is to tell your children that yes, you have a vocation! The only question is what that vocation is. It is not as if we can say “Oh, I’m not going to be a priest, my life is my own, then.” That is not the way baptism works! As for ostentatious pieties, the red letters in the Gospels are clear about that.

I also think it is good to encourage your children to be supportive of friends who might have a vocation. You let them know that their vocation may not be to be a priest or a religious, but it might include being the childhood friend of a priest or a religious. You also let them know that this is something that God will let the person know, not something a person does to make his parents proud. As you point out, the main thing is to encourage your child to be obedient, to be supportive of others being obedient to their own calls, and not to encourage your child to seek a position of status, not even a position of religious status. Nothing good happens when that is the goal.

The seminaries also tend to want candidates that have had some post-secondary life experiences before trying to make a commitment to the seminary. As you point out, this is not a realization that needs to be rushed, and one that can be harmed by trying to leap to conclusions prematurely. Some of the priests I know had no doubts from the time they were in 3rd grade, but that is about as common as high school sweethearts that go on to celebrate 50 years of marriage. It happens, but that is not the way to bet.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

Parents aren’t the only ones who eventually have to let go.

Kids also have to let go and allow their parents to continue to grow. Not easy. We idolize and set our parents up on a pedestal and forget that they are unfinished business, just as we are.

Respect, charity and love. All requirements when it comes to parental relationships. None of these, however, preclude you from following your heart and God’s will.

In time, your parents will be VERY proud of who you are. And they’ll understand how self-centered and unreasonable their behavior during this formative time was.

Who knows - you may even eventually be called to marriage and your seminary time may lead you to an amazingly fruitful and holy marriage! Won’t your Mom love that if it happens!?

Even the wisest cannot see the end of all things…