My neice stole

[m_crane]

I have a 12 year old niece who I invite for weekends along with my other niece (different family). I try to enjoy her company and most of the time I do. She is very bright and can be very charming but she has a bad side too.

She is often unkempt and has to be told to wash up. Instead of putting things away she will do things like stuff a wet towel under a bed, or a glass under a sofa. She has terrible temper tantums. She is constantly asking for food, even when we have just eaten a large meal. She drinks soda one an hour and gets angry if I try to limit her. She rips apart the guest room, doing things like throwing playing cards all over, or her bag of clothes and then won’t pick them up. She also wets her pants and hides the clothing. She break things alot like hairburshes, rosaries, sunglasses.there is alway something broken when she visits.

I know neice has problems. From my own observation and what the kids tell me her mother is probably and alcoholic. My sister is a single parent cohabiting with a boyfriend, who is not any of the (3) childrens fathers. There are 2 different fathers for the children none living with them. The mother (my sister) is not open to communication with me.

The last time my neice was at my house, she was in a very bad mood… She told me the only reason she visits us is to be with her cousin. I told her that we enjoyed having her anyway and that that was ok. (she tries to push peoples buttons with mean comments).
She was particurally distant that day and uncooperative.

Well, a few weeks later I was cleaning a room where we have masks on the wall. It’s a room where the kids play pool and they love the masks especially the one that we have that talks.** I found that the talking mask was gone, yanked off the wall, a big hole where the insert was.
I know she took it.** No one has been there except my niece and her cousin and the cousin is 13 very mature for her age, and very trustworthy.

I haven’t heard from her since this happened (another sign something isn’t right). So what should I say to her? What should I do from this point on? How do I confront this?
This mask has no value except that everyone really gets a kick out of it so it has a little sentimental value.

 

[bsroufek]

Just be kind and direct with her about it and about taking things in general.

 

[shainski]

That is a lot to deal with - and you can’t parent this child from just a couple times a year.

However, I would make it clear on any visits that in my house there are certain rules and she must abide by them if she wants to stay.

She may test the limits - that would be normal for her - but you have to be strong enough to stand by your convictions. If she makes a mess, she cleans it up before she goes onto the next thing. If you discover a glass under the couch, you have her put it where it belongs. You make clear what you have to drink and that you have limits. If she balks about that, she can have water.

But you won’t change her overnight.

About the stealing - since it has taken you a while to notice the issue, I think you have to be somewhat diplomatic about it. I would approach both nieces and their parents with a perplexing problem. “We had that interesting mask in the guest room. The last time I noticed it was when the two of you used that room. Do you have any idea what might have happened to it?”

Then let the two of them answer without an accusation (which will only lead to a denial). You may not get the truth - but you have alerted them that you have noticed its absence.

If she doesn’t admit to it, then I think you have to let it drop. (Next time, take a picture of the room before and after she comes - if anything is missing, you may be able to have proof that it disappeared under her stay). But right now, you already have strained relationship. You want to be a good role model to a child who doesn’t seem to have a lot of good role models.

But being a good role model - doesn’t have to mean letting someone off the hook for inappropriate behavior. Next time, be tougher at the onset - and stay with it for the whole visit (And i know that isn’t easy). It’s usually the parents that have to be the heavies - and it’s the aunts and uncles and grandparents that can let the child enjoy a bit more freedom.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I know she took it.

No one has been there except my niece and her cousin and the cousin is 13 very mature for her age, and very trustworthy.

Please don’t let on that you think/know this. I was 12 once and nothing hurt my feelings more than when I got blamed for something because the other kid “couldn’t” have done it, because they’re a “good” kid and would “never” do anything like that. This can be a shock to adults, but sometimes the “good” kid is the one that did it. They are all kids, and all prone to mistakes and rule-breaking.

You should approach this with both of the girls at the same time. Even if you don’t get the absolute truth, their responses and actions may tell you what happened, and it may put them on alert that you will be watching extra closely from now on.

 

[RoseMary131]

It’s possible that she did remove the mask from the wall and it is placed some where in your home. Look around the house with your children and call to ask her if she knows where it might be.

She apparently has many issues that are not typical for a 12 year old. I think all her other issues are very important to help her and her mom.

Maybe you can talk with her mom about how to get an evaluation from her doctor or through the school system.

 

[EasterJoy]

“Has problems” is putting it lightly. That mask is chaff; this girl has an eternal soul. Putting all the behaviors you describe together–forget who messed with the maks–she acts like someone sticking a hand out from Hell. Maybe this is a smoke alarm going off for no reason, but you are hearing a smoke alarm.

There is something very wrong here. That is a lot of atypical behaviors for any age group, let alone a 12 year old. I am doubly concerned when her home situation is taken into account. She may be a victim of sexual abuse, she may be into behaviors that her mother does not know about, but the loss of that mask ought to be the least of your worries. If she showed up at your house sweating and feverish, you’d be concerned, right? You would not just let her mother “handle it” if she had a growing lump on her body that was not being seen to, right? I would worry less if she were sweaty and feverish instead of all that you describe. What you describe, all put together, makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

You need some guidance from a professional. Call your county health department, call a child psychologist, call a national child-abuse hotline, call somebody who has some really experience with troubled youth, but get some advice on how to approach this from someone who can help put these worrisome pieces together. Make a list, tell them all you can think of, all these details and all the other odd things she does. That girl needs help. I don’t know what kind of help, I have no idea what is wrong, but I can’t believe she has issues that will do anything but get worse unless she gets help…and worse could be very much worse, indeed.

I hope I am wrong, but I hate to think of all the awful things this could be.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s possible that she did remove the mask from the wall and it is placed some where in your home. Look around the house with your children and call to ask her if she knows where it might be.

She apparently has many issues that are not typical for a 12 year old. I think all her other issues are very important to help her and her mom.

Maybe you can talk with her mom about how to get an evaluation from her doctor or through the school system.

I’d really want someone professional to give me pointers before approaching her mother. This smells like a minefield.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

I have to agree with everyone that says you need to find her some professional help. I would take her to her pediatrician for the wetting problem and mention that you think it is a behavioral problem when you schedule. Tell them you will most likely need a longer appointment. She sounds like a very stressed and possibly abused little girl. Her pediatrician could be a good resource for helping her with any biological urinary issues and can refer her to a good counselor.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have to agree with everyone that says you need to find her some professional help. I would take her to her pediatrician for the wetting problem and mention that you think it is a behavioral problem when you schedule. Tell them you will most likely need a longer appointment. She sounds like a very stressed and possibly abused little girl. Her pediatrician could be a good resource for helping her with any biological urinary issues and can refer her to a good counselor.

The aunt isn’t in a position to authorize a doctor’s visit, and it may be in the OPs and the extended family’s interest for this to be investigated without the aunt’s fingerprints on it, if that is possible.

Really…this case is way above our pay grade. This is highly unlikely that this is anything like a simple case of a tween getting angry–about what?–and destroying or stealing something to act out. There are many possibilities–legal, ethical, medical, psychological, to name a few–that we don’t even know to think of.

Maybe the mask is the one piece of this puzzle that has nothing to do with her. Whatever the case, she seems to be working very hard to alienate the aunt. Why is that? And why is she wetting herself at twelve? Why doesn’t she take care of herself? What is going on here? I really don’t like the most likely possibilities…

 

[m_crane]

Some posters are highly distressed, I am too. My whole extended family is very dysfunctional.

I have called child protective in the past. They are very ineffective when they are faced with a family who lies very well to cover their dysfunction.

The mask was taken because it’s special. It’s something that everyone loves to have fun with.
It made her jealous to see everyone have fun with it and she knows I bought it for all the children.

I know I’m being alienated. I’m looking for the least confrontational way to handle this because I know that I will loose her if I push.

I am also worried that she may have tried to hurt my little dog.(another long story) so I don’t think I can allow her to come to my house anymore.

I have been praying a lot about this. At Mass tonight, I had a thought that no matter what my niece does(to me), I can always love her. I will always be her Aunt. She can’t change that no matter what she does.

This is consoling because I don’t want to loose her. I want to be there for her and help her.
She is very attached to her mother but the relationship is very unhealthy. Some day she may want to get well. I want to be in her life so if that day comes, I can help her.

 

[savedbygrace71]

Something is not right when a 12 year old wets her pants - and unfortunately it can be a sign of recurrent UTIs which may indicate some other deeper issues. I know you can’t do much as the aunt, but keep in mind that destructive, abusive behavior, coupled with the wetting, and the live in boyfriend - well, I would be very concerned about her. Praying.

 

[Iheartcoffee]

The aunt isn’t in a position to authorize a doctor’s visit, and it may be in the OPs and the extended family’s interest for this to be investigated without the aunt’s fingerprints on it, if that is possible.

Really…this case is way above our pay grade. This is highly unlikely that this is anything like a simple case of a tween getting angry–about what?–and destroying or stealing something to act out. There are many possibilities–legal, ethical, medical, psychological, to name a few–that we don’t even know to think of.

Maybe the mask is the one piece of this puzzle that has nothing to do with her. Whatever the case, she seems to be working very hard to alienate the aunt. Why is that? And why is she wetting herself at twelve? Why doesn’t she take care of herself? What is going on here? I really don’t like the most likely possibilities…

It really depends on the family. I work in the medical field and I see many aunts, uncles, and grandparents that have the permission to bring children in for medical visits. If that isn’t the case in the poster’s family, then she might be able to recommend to the girl’s mother that she see a doctor about the wetting issues. At the very least, they need to be able to rule out any infections, anatomical problems, etc. I am very sure that a 12 year old wetting herself regularly is going to raise a lot of red flags in a doctor’s office and it will likely trigger some questions about her psychological health after any biological urinary problems are ruled out. Raising these red flags will be a good thing, even though it may be extremely stressful right now. If she is on a destructive path at 12 while it is still a bit easier to control her, just imagine the path at 16 or 18. An intervention before she becomes more independent could be very beneficial.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I’m concerned about a few things… the wetting her pants and the live in boyfriend especially.

Molesters tend to try to pick out vulnerable children. A girl with an alcoholic mother is very vulnerable.

Does she have a dad? Could you speak to him about your concerns?

 

[EasterJoy]

Some posters are highly distressed, I am too. My whole extended family is very dysfunctional.

I have called child protective in the past. They are very ineffective when they are faced with a family who lies very well to cover their dysfunction.

The mask was taken because it’s special. It’s something that everyone loves to have fun with.
It made her jealous to see everyone have fun with it and she knows I bought it for all the children.

I know I’m being alienated. I’m looking for the least confrontational way to handle this because I know that I will loose her if I push.

I am also worried that she may have tried to hurt my little dog.(another long story) so I don’t think I can allow her to come to my house anymore.

I have been praying a lot about this. At Mass tonight, I had a thought that no matter what my niece does(to me), I can always love her. I will always be her Aunt. She can’t change that no matter what she does.

This is consoling because I don’t want to loose her. I want to be there for her and help her.
She is very attached to her mother but the relationship is very unhealthy. Some day she may want to get well. I want to be in her life so if that day comes, I can help her.

The problem is that the habit of the entire family to lie to hide their dysfunction has infected her. She does not act like a child who has had one of those whopper of an anger act-out incidents that might inflict any typical childhood. She acts like a sex abuse victim or an addict or something in that line of severity. The way you’d deal with a typical child won’t apply, because what you are describing is so far outside the typical.

I agree that she cannot be left alone with a defenseless person or animal, because the acting out is so likely to continue to escalate. It might escalate precisely because her previous attempts to alienate you failed to do so. I would expect her to keep trying until she finds something that* will *drive you away. In the big picture, you are supporting her. In the narrow warped picture, you’re may defeating her at every turn. You may be the bad guy in her life, as twisted as that sounds. Certainly she wants you to think that she thinks that.

I’m sorry that the local authorities have been so unwilling or unable to help. I suppose in this situation, I’d do two things. One: I’d call a child-abuse prevention organization, and ask for advice about what to do. I’d probably call several. If I called someone medical for advice, though, I’d call a child psychiatrist, not a regular pediatrician. Second: I’d pray. St. Mary Magdalene was freed by the Lord from seven demons and became one of his closest disciples; you might start with her.

This is an organization that I’ve heard of that might help; I’ve seen them give lectures to emergency doctors about telling the difference between physical accidents and physical abuse. They might be able to help you: caresnw.org/