My now homosexual husband wants custody

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catholickate147

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I’m going to try to make this short. Six years ago I married my high school sweetheart. We grew up together in church and school. We got married in the church, baptized our 2 children there, went to mass, confessions, prayed together as a couple,…he seemed like a very dutiful and lovely Catholic father and husband. Then a about a year and a half ago I found gay pornography open on his laptop. I confronted him and he claimed it was a pop up or virus. I believed him. Then shortly after I walked in on him masturbating with his phone in his hand. I snatched it and saw a picture of a homosexual act. We went to counseling and talked to the priest. We were trying to work through this, or so I thought. But he wouldn’t fight his urges. I found through his phone he was having gay relations with a man. Digging through his texts made me sick. They confessed their love and planned their futurewhich of course included leaving me.I confronted him and he told me he was gay, he was sorry but god made him this way, we could still be friends blah blah. He refused to work on this and asked for a divorce. Now the civil divorce is almost final. I’ve had luck in keeping the kids shielded from his “boyfriend” 🤢 since we were still married under the law. Soon we’ll be going for custody and he wants joint physical and legal. I wan sole custody to protect them from his life style but I live in a very liberal state. I’m justin need of prayers and advice. I have a lawyer but he doesn’t seem to think I’ll get full custody. Ugh. I’ve spent a fortune I don’t haven this already. And his insignificant other has a very high paying job so they can get far better lawyers without worrying about money What would you do, what can I do? Aaahhh!
 
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And icing on the cake is their planning to get “married”. I’ve heard from mutual friend they are waiting so my children can be in the abomination of a wedding. And they attend UU church which he takes them to on one of his court ordered visitation weekends. I feel like all of the work ive done instilling Catholism in them is about to be undone. 😭
 
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A very ugly situation indeed. :confused: Proceed with your lawyer. Have you considered hiring a Private Investigator?
 
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I will definitely pray for you, I am only 14 so I probably don’t know fully what to do in this case. Sorry, I would just pray for all this to be resolved if I were you. I will also pray for you
 
You have been given the chance to really be Christ to your kids and your ex-husband.

Love him. Don’t say bad things about your ex to the kids. Let the kids see a mom who loves people even when they do things the wrong way. Let nothing mean pass your lips. It will be VERY hard, but, great is your reward.

DO reach out to enCourage for support. They have both online and real life groups EnCourage - Courage International, Inc.
 
May God have mercy indeed. Mary, protect this woman’s children.
 
I’m just so worried about my children. When our children were baptized he promised they’d be raised Catholic and if he gets custody they’ll be spending an equal amount of time in his liberal UU cult. They’ll experience first hand the abomination of homosexuality and grow up thinking it’s normal. They are 5 and 2, such impressionable ages. How can I raise them Catholic if their father is raising them with such conflicting belifs?
 
You raise them Catholic by modeling love to them, “by this will all men know you are my disciples, that you have love one for another”.

When your kids see that you are full of joy they will want to have that same joy.
 
lovethelord24 said:
Have him and his boyfriend over for dinner, behave like a family, not enemies.
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That’s outlandish and unrealistic! Who could stand having their former spouse with the “homewrecker” over for dinner? It’s inappropriate to even suggest such a thing at this point. I believe in forgiveness but you cannot disregard the seriousness of what took place.
 
lovethelord24 said:
Why would you want to keep your children away from their father?
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Because he’s a bad influence.
lovethelord24 said:
His being gay is something that he can’t help and obviously doesn’t feel very good about it hurting you or the children.
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Why didn’t he think of that before he got married to a heterosexual woman and had kids.
lovethelord24 said:
Have him and his boyfriend over for dinner, behave like a family, not enemies.
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Em…no.

Would anyone suggest this if he absconded with another woman?
 
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Dear Catholic Kate, I’m so sorry that your husband betrayed you like this. You will be in my prayers. Hopefully you have a good lawyer. Is it possible for you to legally prevent your kids from attending a UU church and the upcoming wedding? You will have to remain calm and try to get along with your ex as much as humanly possible. Your ex telling you that God made him that way is no excuse even if it was true (no scientific proof of a gay gene). But what is rotten here is that he created marriage and family with you knowing he was gay. There is no words for this kind of cruelty.
Your focus should be on your children and yourself. Pray for your husband and try to be on good terms with him because he will probably get partial custody. He is the father of these kids and he and the kids still need to see each other. Get guidance from your lawyer and others who have been divorced. Find a Catholic family counselor that you can trust to give solid advice. Perhaps your priest can give you a recommendation. You are strong and you have faith in God. Go to Mass frequently and don’t despair. Things will probably settle down in time but your family really needs love from friends and relatives right now. God sees all and loves you very much!
 
Could you ask him, if he could not keep his marriage vows, could he at least keep his vow to raise the children in the Catholic faith?

If getting sole custody is going to be hard anyway, perhaps you could give up fighting for that IF he agrees, in writing, that he will continue to take the children to Mass on his weekends, refrain from negative language about the Catholic faith., and not take them to UU? Is that Unitarian? including the wedding. He did not keep his marriage vow, maybe he could keep this one? They can decide what faith to follow themselves when they get older - he has already agreed to raise them Catholic.

Just a thought. Otherwise, I’m at a loss. I’m so sorry you have to endure this…
 
There is nothing about his life that is wrong?! If he was cheating on the OP with a woman, would you say the same thing? The man got married, knowing he had these inclinations, and has been cheating on his wife for several years!
 
This exact scenario happened to a dear friend of mine. Her kids were slightly older, but I will share how it turned out.

My friend decided she was going to take this sad state of affairs and turn it into some sort of a positive life lesson for her kids. As the years progressed, the lessons the kids learned seem to be:
  1. Having your parents divorce is hard, but it doesn’t mean they love any less. These kids really know both their parents love them.
  2. Not all people are the same. They have different beliefs and different inclinations. Differences don’t make a person bad. We all have our crosses to bear. Some are much better at it than others.
  3. These kids are smart. As they grew up they were fascinated by the difference in the two very different religions embraced by their mom and dad. (NOTE: I realize those in the Catholic faith sometimes don’t embrace this concept. However, from what I see, it had the benefit of the kids being ready to embrace diversity in the world around them)
  4. These kids are not just tolerant of those who are different from them. When you watch them, you see them embrace people’s differences. They didn’t seem to pick up wild ideas about radical behavior (as in anything goes). They are very kind and gentle kids.
Anyhow, maybe if the parents had stayed together, they still would have learned the lessons above. Maybe not. I am not sure.

I know how difficult a marriage breaking up is for everyone involved. Please don’t feel I am minimizing it. I sensed some panic in your original post, and I just hope you breathe through all of this. It is a huge responsibility, but a lot of how this turns out for your kids is going to rely on how you act and react to what is going on.

I know you must be having a range of emotions right now over everything that is happening in your family. It is so disappointing when promises are broken and things don’t turn out how we planned. I am so sorry you are going through this. Incidentally my friend, her kids, her husband, and (yes) her husband’s partner all went to family counseling to sort through the issues. It was really difficult for her, because she really had been betrayed by her husband. But her husband and partner were willing to try to sort out all of the feelings with the help of a counselor, and my friend said it was invaluable. I once heard someone say you have to love your kids more than you hate your ex. I am not implying you hate your ex, but you get the idea. I am so sorry you are going through this. I will keep your family in my prayers.
 
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Dacinom said:
Suggesting that someone invite the person that’s been having sex with their spouse behind their back, over for dinner is interesting. I don’t know that many people could do that.
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Nobody would have suggested this if the husband had absconded with another woman. Apparently being gay means he should get special treatment after destroying his marriage and dividing his family.

For those who are going on about “being nice” and “getting on with the husband”…are you serious?

If it was me I’d be doing anything in my power to keep my kids away from this “boyfriend” and the immoral lifestyle they are living.
 
No doubt about it. But none of us is without sin, right? And sorrow and forgiveness are also part of the story here… The husband involved can’t help his SSA. He turned into an alcoholic under the stress of trying to live a dishonest life, presenting himself as hetero when he wasn’t. These things all factor in.

Anyhow, I agree, but with distinction. In this case, the actions were bad. The person wasn’t a bad person. He was a very troubled person who made some pretty awful choices.

The power of redemption is a biggie. You can’t turn the clock back and do things differently. You can move forward and do the best you can from this point forward.
 
QwertyGirl said:
The husband involved can’t help his SSA.
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Then why did he get married?

I think you can’t say to what degree he can help his SSA. Some people probably can, but society tells them to embrace “who they are” and find love…yada yada yada.
 
AdamP88 said:
Then why did he get married?

I think you can’t say to what degree he can help his SSA. Some people probably can, but society tells them to embrace “who they are” and find love…yada yada yada.
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Well my view is clearly different than yours. I believe there is nothing wrong with SSA or active homeosexuality. The wrongness is in the way different societies stigmatized it. Ironically, the husband in this scenario was raised in a devout family who convinced him if he only acted straight, he could be straight enough to carry on as a heterosexual and have the family life he so desired. They shamed him about his SSA. I am not saying you or the other people here would do this, but it is not an unusual thing to see in religious families, especially 30 years ago when he was in his early 20s.

The point I was trying to make in my original post wasn’t about a moral judgement about what transpired. It was to inspire her to think about this in a way that wasn’t catastrophic. I was trying to help her see that good can come from something as terrible as what she is going through right now.

I am not really interested in arguing about SSA or homosexuality.
 
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