My only sister. ..gay

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blessed2x

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Good evening! I will try to keep this as short as I can
It is a 13 yr story, so I will try.
I was raised catholic. 4 boys and 2 girls, my sister being the eldest. We were raised in a typical catholic household.
I found out 17 yrs ago, my sister is gay from her friend. I had only found out a few years prior what it meant so I didn’t know exactly how I felt about it.
I got married 3 yrs later without my only sister there. She has not met my husband, partially due to my husband being away for his job.
Long story short, if it’s possible…lol
For sooo many years I have been on an emotional roller coaster with her. Really it’s too much to write right now. I will say this. A few months ago I wrote her a 3 1/2 page letter addressing the past years. I read it to several people and they all loved it. I worked on it for about 3 months until I said everything I could say, and I was at peace. I even. spoke to our priest and hone stay he was very matter of fact about how the Catholic Church is towards gays. What I was looking for is how to have a relationship with her. He said plenty of people don’t have relationships with their siblings.
The return letter was…well not exactly what one would hope for.
What I would like to know is can we have a relationship with eachother even though she is gay, and I don’t fully support it? I am in no means trying to change her at all. She is who she is.
There is so much more to this. …I would love more insight on relationships between siblings.thanks so much
 
Yes, you can still have relationships with someone while not condoning their way of life. It would be a good idea to have a relationship with your sister. A sibling of mine has homosexual tendencies and acts upon them, and my family and I still have a relationship with him even though we have made it quite clear to him that we can never condone his way of life.
 
Relationships are a two way road. If she wants to be your sister and have the normal roller-coaster relationship everyone has with their siblings then fine. You don’t need to judge her and your relationship should be mutually respectful. Good luck with that!
Long meaningful letters should never be sent. They should be simply a way to organise your feelings on the subject, acting like a catharsis rather than a form of communication. They are never appreciated or taken as they were meant and can be used against you for the rest of the relationship. The lawyer in me says never put anything important in writing.
Just continue to love her and see how the relationship runs its course naturally.
I have a sister who cut off all communication with me five years ago. Five wonderful years of peace.
 
My mum and her sister used to get on each other’s nerves every week. I suggested (when I was quite young and still at home!) they cut it back to monthly. She told me after that that it was working a treat!

Also, her private life is her affair, not anyone else’s, not the rest of the family’s, not yours. Some priests don’t understand that. A great many people of a “Catholic” background don’t understand that.

If you’ve got something in common that’s ongoing relate around that. If not, don’t.

If another woman gets mentioned in passing that is her friend. Everyone is allowed to have friends.

She doesn’t owe you anything by being your “only” sister. She needs you out of her hair!
 
Of course you can, and you should. The biggest problem with many Christians (and conservatives) is treating homosexuality like some kind of ultra, mega sin that earns the person banishment, whereas sex before marriage would have earned them a “We all fall down from time to time. Go to Confession and pick yourself back up!”, probably because it’s easier to harshly condemn without mercy those who struggle with sins we personally aren’t tempted by.

But we all have our own sins. If everyone else cut us off because of them, the world would be pretty lonely for everyone. Not only would it be incredibly hypocritical to end a relationship with someone because they are gay, but it would be detrimental to them as well. How can anyone ever be evangelized if they are shunned? Jesus didn’t tell the adulterers to stay away from him.
 
blessed2x said:
What I would like to know is can we have a relationship with eachother even though she is gay, and I don’t fully support it?
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Of course you can!

A relationship takes two, however. You said your sister did not come to your wedding and hasn’t met your husband in the 14 years you’ve been together. It seems that estrangement runs deep and may be difficult to overcome. Making an outreach to her was a wonderful and kind thing to do. I am sorry the return letter was disappointing. Keep trying.
 
Bill_Martin said:
Of course you can, and you should. The biggest problem with many Christians (and conservatives) is treating homosexuality like some kind of ultra, mega sin that earns the person banishment, whereas sex before marriage would have earned them a “We all fall down from time to time. Go to Confession and pick yourself back up!”, probably because it’s easier to harshly condemn without mercy those who struggle with sins we personally aren’t tempted by.

But we all have our own sins. If everyone else cut us off because of them, the world would be pretty lonely for everyone. Not only would it be incredibly hypocritical to end a relationship with someone because they are gay, but it would be detrimental to them as well. How can anyone ever be evangelized if they are shunned? Jesus didn’t tell the adulterers to stay away from him.
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👍

In our increasingly polarized culture, we seem to have lost the ability to be friends with people we disagree with. I was struck by this with some news articles about Supreme Court Justice Scalia’s passing. Several stories talked about the surprising friendship between him and Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. They disagreed vehemently about some pretty fundamental issues. But they were still friends. We don’t need to agree with someone and give our enthusiastic approval of everything they do in order to relate to them. That’s just not realistic, nor is it conducive to loving our neighbor.

Of course, as Petaro said, relationships are a two-way street. Even if you are willing, your sister may not be unless you give a ringing endorsement to everything she does. You know your sister, so you may have a sense as to whether or not that is the case.

I don’t agree with some of the decisions my siblings have made, but they are still my family. I don’t have control over their actions. I’m thankful for that. I make enough of a mess of my own actions that I do have control over. 😛 :o
 
I have a sister that cuts ties to family, usually years–sometimes decades!–at a time. Periodically, we track her down to make sure she’s alive and well (there are ways), then send cards, have visits, include her and then off she goes again. I share this to make this point: what you would like to be to someone is limited by what they allow you to be to them.
You are only responsible to treat her as you would like to be treated and to pray earnestly for her.

I would suggest cards periodically, a token or trinket she might enjoy or find amusing on birthdays or just because. Perhaps the slow, steady trickle of being loved will wear her down.

Prayers for your family, and mine:

Our Father…

Hail Mary…
 
Just because you don’t agree with it does not mean you can’t talk to her or still be siblings. I have a cousin who is gay and we are still and I hope always will be very close.
 
This is one of the reasons why I left the catholic church and the christian religion. After coming out bisexual to my family and friends I was treated like something filthy that needed to be destroyed. I cant tell you how many times at mass people would tell me I was going to hell, refuse to shake my hand, and just make me feel as hated and unwelcome as possible. My mother finally came to terms with it and said she accepts me for what I am, but she is the only person to do so.
The hate drove me to attempted suicide, and I would up in a mental ward on suicide watch for 2 weeks. After that I said no more. I left the church and embraced my fathers pagan roots. I’m happy with myself and am at peace with my life I feel a peace that christianity was never able to personally give me.
I’m sure your sister feels incredibly let down and betrayed by you. Especially given the fact that you couldn’t even tell her over the phone or to her face.
 
child_of_God85 said:
This is one of the reasons why I left the catholic church and the christian religion. After coming out bisexual to my family and friends I was treated like something filthy that needed to be destroyed. I cant tell you how many times at mass people would tell me I was going to hell, refuse to shake my hand, and just make me feel as hated and unwelcome as possible. My mother finally came to terms with it and said she accepts me for what I am, but she is the only person to do so.
The hate drove me to attempted suicide, and I would up in a mental ward on suicide watch for 2 weeks. After that I said no more. I left the church and embraced my fathers pagan roots. I’m happy with myself and am at peace with my life I feel a peace that christianity was never able to personally give me.
I’m sure your sister feels incredibly let down and betrayed by you. Especially given the fact that you couldn’t even tell her over the phone or to her face.
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I’m sorry that happened to you not all Christians or Catholics are like that. My family would probably not care if I was gay or anything like that and one of my cousins already is and they have accepted it completely as far as I know.

Just know not everyone is like that. I will also probably be Quaker when I am older as I find what they believe to be more in line with me.

I have numerous gay friends and I think one might be Agender but I am not sure 100% on that. Anyway just do what makes you feel at home and right in your soul. I do not agree with half of the things the church says regarding gay people and marriage and that stems from how I was raised at home.
 
Ideally, two mature adults should be able to disagree on something like this and still maintain a relationship. However, for every hard-hearted person who disowns their relatives and friends because they are gay, there are just as many gay people and pre-gay people who will not accept anything less than complete acceptance of their beliefs. If you sister takes this position, there isn’t much you can do about it except keeping the doors of communication open. It could also be that it isn’t as much your views on homosexuality that offends her, but things you done and said in the past that have hurt her that she wants to avoid, especially if you’ve been particularly harsh regarding her “gayness”.
 
Bill_Martin said:
Of course you can, and you should. The biggest problem with many Christians (and conservatives) is treating homosexuality like some kind of ultra, mega sin that earns the person banishment, whereas sex before marriage would have earned them a “We all fall down from time to time. Go to Confession and pick yourself back up!”, probably because it’s easier to harshly condemn without mercy those who struggle with sins we personally aren’t tempted by.
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Umm… that is not correct. Mortal sin is premeditated, venial sin occurs due to being weak in the moment

If a couple falls and has premarital sex, it is venial. If a heterosexual couple live together, it is mortal since it was premeditated

If a person decides they are going to lead a homosexual lifestyle, it is premeditated and mortal. If a homosexual persons falls and out of weakness engages in a homosexual act, it is venial.
 
Allegra said:
Anglewannabe;13686002:
Because if she had other sisters, she might not feel the loss of one sister so much?
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Perhaps but isn’t that like saying ‘You could be dispensable if others were around’? it is almost an implication that she could have been replaceable
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Anglewannabe said:
Allegra;13687035:
Perhaps but isn’t that like saying ‘You could be dispensable if others were around’? it is almost an implication that she could have been replaceable
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🤷 People always say, “She’s the only mother you have…” or “You’ll only get one dad.” I guess I don’t see the difference between that and pointing out that she’s her only sister.
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Allegra said:
Anglewannabe;13687066:
🤷 People always say, “She’s the only mother you have…” or “You’ll only get one dad.” I guess I don’t see the difference between that and pointing out that she’s her only sister.
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Well, I am coming at it from a different angle. I had to cut ties with my brother because he is too abusive. People say to me ‘Angie, he is your only brother’ as if that justifies his right to abuse me. I always feel there is an insinuation if I had another brother, then I could avoid the abusive one.
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Lucky you - you have a sister! Go and do whatever you can to establish a relationship with her.
 
Anglewannabe said:
Allegra;13687098:
Well, I am coming at it from a different angle. I had to cut ties with my brother because he is too abusive. People say to me ‘Angie, he is your only brother’ as if that justifies his right to abuse me. I always feel there is an insinuation if I had another brother, then I could avoid the abusive one.
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I doubt that either of those statements are their intention. They are being pretty insensitive, and I would assume they are not aware of the level of abuse your brother is inflicting on you. Even so, I would think they’re point is that it’s sad to not have a relationship with your brother. I think if someone said something like this to me, I would respond something like this, “I’m well aware that he’s my only brother and because of that fact, I have not made the decision to avoid him lightly.”
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