My Parents and Me

[LiamQ]

My somewhat elderly parents and I have a difficult relationship. There’s frankly years and years of baggage present, and it seems like we rather frequently have fights about this or that. Some of the fights are very loud and can get personal. And I’ve been experiencing a decent amount of depression recently after speaking to them.

But the fact is that we happen to live some 850 miles apart, and seeing each other in person is a very rare occurrence. We speak primarily on the telephone, probably once a week or so.

For the Catholics out there: do you think there’s anything wrong with my deciding that enough is enough, and only speaking to them maybe once every two or three months, while sending along some pictures of the baby along the way? Is that in any way sinful?

Also, my wife and I were planning on driving to Florida to see them for Christmas, although this is now off the list. Part of the reason for that is my folks and I have fought in person each of the last two times I’ve seen them. I’m tired of exposing myself and my poor wife to that. Is it problematic to avoid such a trip simply because I don’t get along with my parents?

I feel as if all of this is wrong because I’m somehow not forgiving them if I take these courses of action. I do forgive them, insofar as I relinquish any judgment. But I also want to make prudent decisions.

I appreciate your advice. There’s lots of really intelligent and informed posters out there, and I just need some help.

 

[IamGroot]

I actually have some serious family disputes and issues myself. My advice would be to bury the hatchet and actually try to see your parents more than less, because as we all get older you never know how much time they or you have. To quote a great song life is very short and there’s no time for fussing and fighting my friend.

 

[EasterJoy]

Are these things that have simmered under the surface that are all of a sudden causing upfront strife?

If your parents are even remotely close to “elderly,” be concerned about any changes in their emotional state or their way of relating to you. When my mother all of a sudden started to get upset about things that used to just kind of irk her, it was the first signs of a loss of mental capacity. (Dementia is the last thing you should conclude is at work, since as we get older even a urinary tract infection can dramatically affect our emotional state and reasoning ability.)

At any rate, if your parents are getting older, it would be good to cultivate a relationship with some of their friends. If your parents start showing concerning mental status changes and have no one other than you who has medical power of attorney, their friends will need to be able to contact you. If you don’t have that set up yet, get it set up. If you have a “favored” sibling, that works, too, but make sure your parents’ closest friends have contact information for all of your parents’ children.

 

[LiamQ]

Are these things that have simmered under the surface that are all of a sudden causing upfront strife?

No, it’s been happening since I was a child. We just have a pretty shattered relationship, and it’s very difficult to interact with them without something blowing up sooner or later.

My folks actually don’t have any friends, and part of that is my father’s predisposition to being somewhat angry and judgmental of other people.

 

[Irishmom2]

My somewhat elderly parents and I have a difficult relationship. There’s frankly years and years of baggage present, and it seems like we rather frequently have fights about this or that. Some of the fights are very loud and can get personal. And I’ve been experiencing a decent amount of depression recently after speaking to them.

But the fact is that we happen to live some 850 miles apart, and seeing each other in person is a very rare occurrence. We speak primarily on the telephone, probably once a week or so.

For the Catholics out there: do you think there’s anything wrong with my deciding that enough is enough, and only speaking to them maybe once every two or three months, while sending along some pictures of the baby along the way? Is that in any way sinful?

Also, my wife and I were planning on driving to Florida to see them for Christmas, although this is now off the list. Part of the reason for that is my folks and I have fought in person each of the last two times I’ve seen them. I’m tired of exposing myself and my poor wife to that. Is it problematic to avoid such a trip simply because I don’t get along with my parents?

I feel as if all of this is wrong because I’m somehow not forgiving them if I take these courses of action. I do forgive them, insofar as I relinquish any judgment. But I also want to make prudent decisions.

I appreciate your advice. There’s lots of really intelligent and informed posters out there, and I just need some help.

It is very difficult when family can’t get along without arguing. It’s hard to spend time with people when they exhaust you every time you are together.

Instead of cutting your calls down to once a month, maybe every other week or two. While I don’t think it is sinful to speak to them less, if what you talk about ends up causing upset and disrespect, it may be time to change what you talk about, or how you discuss things. Try and determine the triggers for what sets the conversation going downhill, and then avoid that. Keep a list of topics and things to talk about. Ask them about things from the past (remember the time auntie dropped the turkey?)

I don’t know if you are an only child, but I would not go see them for Christmas. If it is as bad as you say, I wouldn’t want to subject my immediate family to such a stressful holiday every year. It’s not fair to your wife and baby. Go for Thanksgiving, or after Christmas sometime, but Christmas should be at home in your own house, where you can create your own memories. This is your time to grow as a family. Don’t spoil it with a visit to your parents.

 

[MaryT777]

It is very difficult when family can’t get along without arguing. It’s hard to spend time with people when they exhaust you every time you are together.

Instead of cutting your calls down to once a month, maybe every other week or two. While I don’t think it is sinful to speak to them less, if what you talk about ends up causing upset and disrespect, it may be time to change what you talk about, or how you discuss things. Try and determine the triggers for what sets the conversation going downhill, and then avoid that. Keep a list of topics and things to talk about. Ask them about things from the past (remember the time auntie dropped the turkey?)

I don’t know if you are an only child, but I would not go see them for Christmas. If it is as bad as you say, I wouldn’t want to subject my immediate family to such a stressful holiday every year. It’s not fair to your wife and baby. Go for Thanksgiving, or after Christmas sometime, but Christmas should be at home in your own house, where you can create your own memories. This is your time to grow as a family. Don’t spoil it with a visit to your parents.

This is excellent. Create new positive family members at home with the baby and do what you can do to have a pleasant conversation and avoid hot topic issues on the phone.

Mary

 

[pianistclare]

Don’t go at Christmas. As Irish said, it’s time to build your own memories You child will grow fast. These are precious years for a child.
But on the phone, be the bigger person. If nothing else, it infuriates the person who wants to pick a fight. Maybe even every 3 weeks. That gives enough space for them to think about their words…start by saying “I’m checking in…how are you all doing? Any news?
Don’t discuss your personal life beyond, guess what the baby did cute today.?”

If they can’t discuss their grandchild without fighting, then we’ll just have to pray for you.

 

[Rosebud77]

My somewhat elderly parents and I have a difficult relationship. There’s frankly years and years of baggage present, and it seems like we rather frequently have fights about this or that. Some of the fights are very loud and can get personal. And I’ve been experiencing a decent amount of depression recently after speaking to them.

But the fact is that we happen to live some 850 miles apart, and seeing each other in person is a very rare occurrence. We speak primarily on the telephone, probably once a week or so.

For the Catholics out there: do you think there’s anything wrong with my deciding that enough is enough, and only speaking to them maybe once every two or three months, while sending along some pictures of the baby along the way? Is that in any way sinful?

Also, my wife and I were planning on driving to Florida to see them for Christmas, although this is now off the list. Part of the reason for that is my folks and I have fought in person each of the last two times I’ve seen them. I’m tired of exposing myself and my poor wife to that. Is it problematic to avoid such a trip simply because I don’t get along with my parents?

I feel as if all of this is wrong because I’m somehow not forgiving them if I take these courses of action. I do forgive them, insofar as I relinquish any judgment. But I also want to make prudent decisions.

I appreciate your advice. There’s lots of really intelligent and informed posters out there, and I just need some help.

Hard one indeed and well done for persevering thus far…

Wondering how they react to their grandchild as you mentioned the baby? Often that will melt ice.

But yes as others have said keep in touch and yes, keep Christmas a family time,

This is something we do well here; Christmas Day is for immediate family… St Stephens day for others …

Blessings…

 

[Xantippe]

Lots of good advice.

One more thing–it is just plain weird for them not to be able to get through a phone call without getting into a fight with you. Normal people don’t do that.

When it’s a phone call, you can always escape from a fight. “Oh, gotta go! I’ll call you next week!” In-person visits are tougher to escape from, which is why they require a lot more strategy and may need to be skipped entirely.

 

[AClaire11]

Please don’t try to manipulate them using the baby. If they can’t be civil to you, then you should not expose your child to that sort of situation, much less try and use the baby to make them be civil.

 

[LiamQ]

Please don’t try to manipulate them using the baby.

Huh?!

I’m sending pictures of the baby to my mother because my mother wants pictures and it makes her happy. I’m not doing it to be “manipulative.” Am I misinterpreting this somehow?

 

[LiamQ]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It’s a very difficult situation, because my parents were and are verbally abusive.

I think I’ll just try to limit conversations to every couple of weeks, and try to steer things away from flash points.

 

[AClaire11]

Huh?!

I’m sending pictures of the baby to my mother because my mother wants pictures and it makes her happy. I’m not doing it to be “manipulative.” Am I misinterpreting this somehow?

I was not referring to that, but to someone who seemed to imply that you should bring the baby along to see if they’ll behave.

 

[AClaire11]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It’s a very difficult situation, because my parents were and are verbally abusive.

I think I’ll just try to limit conversations to every couple of weeks, and try to steer things away from flash points.

That sounds like a good call. You’re not required to submit yourself or your family to abuse, so limiting exposure in the best way you see fit is a good idea.

 

[EasterJoy]

No, it’s been happening since I was a child. We just have a pretty shattered relationship, and it’s very difficult to interact with them without something blowing up sooner or later.

My folks actually don’t have any friends, and part of that is my father’s predisposition to being somewhat angry and judgmental of other people.

In that case, use the 850 miles to your advantage. Visit when it suits you. Do not visit for major holidays. If they object, tell them that you usually fight and you have decided to spare everyone that for holidays. You can pretty much guarantee there will be some unhappy scenes. If you are not at your parents’ to celebrate a holiday, your wife can more escape with your child from some developing bad scene in a way that makes no lasting impression on your child.

Yes, you can call less often, although I would advise that you taper off gradually rather than just leave your mother high and dry with no warning. Who does she have, other than you? It is OK, however, to say that being yelled at when you call disinclines you to call as often as you do. That is not manipulative. That is drawing healthy boundaries by enforcing natural and proportional consequences for willful bad treatment.

If your father has no friends, that is a bed he made. When you visit the next time, however, it would be a good idea to introduce yourself to a few of their neighbors and give them your contact information. At your parents’ age and depending on the laws in their state, the neighbors may need you to intervene when one or both of your parents needs to lose their driving privileges or needs some other intervention. (It would not be unheard of, for instance, for someone like you father to become physically abusive and dangerous to your mother if he loses some of his mental capacity. It isn’t even impossible that it could be your mother who “snaps” eventually.)

If there is any room for optimism at all, it is that I have seen a few judgmental people actually get kind of sweet in their old age when they lose the capacity to remember their stored-up list of wrongs. Not every loss in mental capacity always leads to an less happy day-to-day experience for the patient. Your parents may not get worse, and they may even get better, either because their mind slips or because something turns on an awareness they lacked previously. Stranger things have happened.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. It’s a very difficult situation, because my parents were and are verbally abusive.

I think I’ll just try to limit conversations to every couple of weeks, and try to steer things away from flash points.

Good idea. “You can’t teach a pig to sing. You just frustrate yourself and annoy the pig.”

 

[Xantippe]

In that case, use the 850 miles to your advantage. Visit when it suits you. Do not visit for major holidays. If they object, tell them that you usually fight and you have decided to spare everyone that for holidays. You can pretty much guarantee there will be some unhappy scenes. If you are not at your parents’ to celebrate a holiday, your wife can more escape with your child from some developing bad scene in a way that makes no lasting impression on your child.

Yes, you can call less often, although I would advise that you taper off gradually rather than just leave your mother high and dry with no warning. Who does she have, other than you? It is OK, however, to say that being yelled at when you call disinclines you to call as often as you do. That is not manipulative. That is drawing healthy boundaries by enforcing natural and proportional consequences for willful bad treatment.

If your father has no friends, that is a bed he made. When you visit the next time, however, it would be a good idea to introduce yourself to a few of their neighbors and give them your contact information. At your parents’ age and depending on the laws in their state, the neighbors may need you to intervene when one or both of your parents needs to lose their driving privileges or needs some other intervention. (It would not be unheard of, for instance, for someone like you father to become physically abusive and dangerous to your mother if he loses some of his mental capacity. It isn’t even impossible that it could be your mother who “snaps” eventually.)

If there is any room for optimism at all, it is that I have seen a few judgmental people actually get kind of sweet in their old age when they lose the capacity to remember their stored-up list of wrongs. Not every loss in mental capacity always leads to an less happy day-to-day experience for the patient. Your parents may not get worse, and they may even get better, either because their mind slips or because something turns on an awareness they lacked previously. Stranger things have happened.

Very good!

I can’t even imagine what it would have been like as a child seeing my parents and grandparents fight. It is very important to prevent that from becoming one of your child’s “core memories.”