My parents are done being parents

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holymother00112

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I am married with 4 small kids to a wonderful husband. At this point in my life, I do not have much of a relationship with my parents. My parents are practicing Catholics but seem to be under the impression that when their children finished college/got married, they are pretty much done. I have desired a deeper more meaningful relationship with my mom and dad and I sat down with them to discuss this and told them that. They didn’t get it and seemed puzzled as to why I would want a “warmer, closer relationship.” They told me that “while they will always be parents, they are done being parents.” Our relationship is pretty surface level, at best.

I was under the impression that even if a child grows up and gets married, that the parents would still like to be around and active. For example, two years ago my husband and I had our 3 child. We hit a rough patch. He was working long hours at work, we had just bought a house, I was packing and taking care of my newborn and 1.5 year old and 3 year old children, and I found out I had a medical condition after giving birth [that later cleared up.] I called my parents to see if they could help me pack or give me a hand [they lived 20 minutes from me at that time]. They said no. They knew of the rough time me and my husband were going though; they just thought it was best if we handled life on our own. I was not trying to take advantage of my parents at ALL; I was just looking for some help at a rough time in our life. I seriously thought that my parents would help out and understand…kind of like a girlfriend who would understand what I was going through.

I am having inner struggles as to how to understand this relationship. I just don’t get it. I have spoken with my husband and priest about this and wanted to get some other perspective on this. In no way do I want to depend on my parents or take advantage of them.

As a side note, my parents just moved to another state. They are following the founder of Caritas of Birmingham, Alabama and all of his writings. My parents moved to be near 2 other married couples to farm and my mom told me on the phone that these people, her community, are like her new family.

I am so hurt and confused. I have these feelings of a family that I wanted but reality is so much different. I am trying to carry this cross and grow closer to Jesus through it; I am trying so hard to love my little kids and husband so I can please Jesus in my everyday life. Can someone help me with this?? * Thanks for anyone who can help.*
 
Some are of the opinion that this Caritas group has some of the aspects of a cult to it. Is it possible that your parents have been encouraged by someone they met through this organization to renounce being parents and grandparents in order to devote more to this group? The group is in Alabama, but Mother Angelica was reportedly not a fan of them.

This distancing from family and former friends in favor of being dedicated to the “savior” group is not uncommon in cult and cult-like factions. That could be what you are up against–that is, even if this is not a cult, your parents may be relating to the community much as a cult member relates to a cult.

Again, I’m not saying that this group is a cult, but by being like a cult I have a particular set of problems in mind. This paper outlines what I mean. It refers to New Age cults, but I only mean the mechanism of psychological distancing from the former social circle in favor of the exciting “new family” group:
ewtn.com/library/NEWAGE/CULTTALK.TXT

As you compare and contrast, you’ll see what I mean (I hope) by saying there could be a “cult-like effect” going on rather than saying the group itself has the aspects of a cult. I’m not making a case that this group is a cult, but suggesting some mechanisms that go in within the minds of cult members might explain the rather bizarre behavior you’re seeing in your parents. (And yes, saying someone is done being a parent on one hand but looking for a new family on the other is a bit bizarre…unless they want the perks of a family without the exertions of making any difficult contributions to those in the “family.”)

Or…maybe not. Maybe your parents are looking to socialize with strangers, people who are enjoyable but who don’t dare to make as many demands as a real family does. They could “have their cake and eat it, too.” I don’t mean to say you were asking anything out of the ordinary. I’m saying they may be looking for a “family” that fawns as if they were parent figures but doesn’t expect any personal exertion from them.

Those are the two possibilities I can think of.
 
It’s unfortunate that your parents have decided to follow the Caritas. I really don’t want to judge anyone but know for a fact that priests and at least one bishop have talked to their leader about appropriate changes and been rebuffed.

Any Catholic group that ignores the authority of the Church to the extreme that the Caritas are is very dangerous in my opinion. I see no way that the Holy Mother would endorse that behavior as the Caritas claim.

About all you can do is pray for your parents and make sure your children aren’t influenced by them. It is very probable that contact with them will be very little if at all, as the Caritas are very controlling.
 
EasterJoy said:
Some are of the opinion that this Caritas group has some of the aspects of a cult to it. Is it possible that your parents have been encouraged by someone they met through this organization to renounce being parents and grandparents in order to devote more to this group? The group is in Alabama, but Mother Angelica was reportedly not a fan of them.
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I believe you’re onto something. On Johnnette Benkovic’s Women Of Grace website, Sue Brinkman does the New Age blog. Here is what she had to say about Caritas of Birmingham.

Peace, Mark
 
Mark121359 said:
I believe you’re onto something. On Johnnette Benkovic’s Women Of Grace website, Sue Brinkman does the New Age blog. Here is what she had to say about Caritas of Birmingham.

Peace, Mark
Click to expand...
This group could be a cult. That is above my pay grade to say, but there are some more qualified than I am who believe so:
medjugorje.ws/en/articles/local-man-escapes-alabama-cult-caritas-of-birmingham/

Also this:
medjugorje.ws/en/articles/father-svetozar-kraljevic-medjugorje-priests-caritas-of-birmingham-alabama/

Dear brothers and sisters,
*
Here in Medjugorje, in the name of the priests who are working in the parish with pilgrims who are coming from all over the world, I express my deep concern for the organization called CARITAS from Birmingham, Alabama.

It appears that the organization does not follow good practice of Church discipline as well as the discipline of its members in regard to their ways in which they are organized within. We are afraid that there might be elements of a lack of respect for family relationships, mutual respect, respect for the church authority, respect for the families where the members come from, respect for property of family members who are there now and those who were there and left the community.

PAX ET BONUM!

Signed

Father Svetozar Kraljevic, OFM

October, 2000*

If your parents are in a cult or cult-like organization, OP, you would be looking at an outside force that is manipulating your parents rather than an independent and conscious decision on their part to distance themselves from you. If their behavior seems bizarre not just compared to other parents but compared to their behavior prior to getting involved with Caritas, this could be the culprit. If, OTOH, your parents were not particularly interested in being close to you even before you married and had children and they got interested in this group, the culprit may be more likely to be family dynamics of which you are unaware, such as a cold and distant relationship between one or both of your parents and your grandparents when your parents were at a juncture of life similar to yours. (Even adult children learn what they live when it comes to family life. Your parents could be channeling the bewildering voices of their own parents to them.)

Do your parents have siblings who might have insight into your situation? They might be familiar both with the way your parents and grandparents interacted when you were young and also with whether your parents’ attitude towards them as family has changed since the Caritas association started.
 
I am sorry for what you have been going through. Parents are always parents no matter how old they, or the children, are.

Praying for you.
 
It’s sad that your parents are alive and well but have withdrawn from you and your family. They lose, and so does your family.
It’s sad that we can’t elicit from others what they are unwilling to give.
Your sadness is worse because your parents do have a choice to be there for you and your family, than it is if ones parents are dead or far away due to circumstances, because you and your children would feel rejection. May God comfort you and help you.

While it is lonely, and a personal shock to find yourself to be, in a sense orphaned, I think you will find some comfort being the parent, and later, grandparent, that you wish your parents would choose to be.
That was my answer to the lack of parental nearness and support
The absence of parents in times of need, or at any other time, can be painful, but it seems emptier and harsher when the parents could make a different choice, to be there for you and your family.

Coping through everything alone is very lonely. The rejection I felt came from my stepmother who could only love my two youngest siblings, but it hurt, so I’ve at least a little understanding of a fraction of what you are feeling. My own mother was never there all my adult life, and never met my children, I never had a woman-to-woman chat with her, because she died when I was a teen, and before our first child was born my husband moved us 2000 miles away from any of my remaining family for a job he took, so I had no support, even with three pre-schoolers and all the issues that can arise… so I feel very much for you.

Although it cannot fill the hole left by your parents rejection of you, I do hope that your parents-in-law are kind and supportive.
May God touch your parents hearts and bless them with the understanding of how precious their daughter and grandchildren are in their lives. May God guide and inspire your parents in their choices.
 
At first, I was going to say that you can not force anyone to act in a way that you want. If they don’t, and you get angry, sad, whatever, that’s on you, not them.

My parents, God rest their souls, were both only children, and, together, they were very selfish. After Mom died, dad mentioned this once in a burst of personal clarity.

That said, I would turn this around on the OP. Your parents are caught up, apparently, in the jaws of a cult.

What are you going to do for them?
 
I would be so tempted to say something like “Mom, Dad, I’m sorry you’ve decided to choose that group as your new family over and above the family that God chose to give you.”
 
Have your parents helped you in the past?
The answer to this may shed some light.

If your parents went from being giving to being apathetic it is one thing…if they were never giving people, then it would be expected.

I would meet them where they are at if the second is true for them, ie lower your expectations.
If the first us true, the I would approach them with the change and discuss the influence of caritas…
 
I don’t know anything about the CARITAS program, but I understand your struggle with your relationship with your parents.

My mom passed away 4 years ago, a year after that I had my 1st child, then two years later my 2nd. My dad became distant, at first I thought it was grieving. But the long it has been, the more I have had to accept the fact that he has no interest in having a relationship with me as an adult. He lives 10 minutes away, he has been to my house about 3 times in the past 3 years. (most times he comes over, it’s to use my printer because he doesn’t have one) .He came to my son’s birthday parties, but declined to attend my daughter’s first birthday (he had plans with a casual girlfriend).

He has just moved on with his life, he is doing his thing and being a parent (or a grandparent) doesn’t fit in it anymore. I feel like I didn’t just lose one parent, I lost both.

I am incredibly blessed that I have the most wonderful in-laws in the world. I wish it wasn’t so difficult for me to have a close relationship with my mother in law, I try and we are good friends but I wish it could be more than that. It’s not her it’s me though. They are phenomenal grandparents though.

I have turned to my in-laws for that relationship that I need. My younger sister “adopted” a woman from her church who has a daughter around her age, they became close friends and she kind of fills that role for her.
 
I am heartfully sorry to hear about your situation with your parents.

I tend to agree with the idea that your parents maybe be drawn into a cult like situation.

I have a lot of questions though and hope that if you answer them that other posters can help you to find coping strategies with this difficult heartbreaking situation…

Do you have siblings and if so how is your relationship with them?

Do have support on your husband’s side of the family?

Would your parent’s agree to a counseling session with you and with a priest, maybe even of their choosing?

I have a son who gave up his Catholic faith and joined a “house church”. Many things feel very cult like. He just got married to a lovely girl from China and they are heavily involved in the church. Half the members of this house church are Asian so I’m sure his wife feels a sense of security and community in this church. It’s difficult because he spends so much time with these people that he has little time for us and since he says that God comes before father and mother, he has in his somewhat distorted biblical understanding of a justification for neglecting our relationship.

I fast (from sweets) and pray. I offer my Masses for my son and his beautiful wife. I even have attend events with them at the church but it is so sad to see how far this church is from a true relationship with Christ. I see them as well intended people, very hungry for fellowship and community but without true guidance and authority, easily duped into believing heretical doctrines.

Again, I am so sorry for your situation and will pray for your parents.
 
Thank you to all who answered me. It has helped me a lot.
To reply :
As for my House
Re: My parents are done being parents

I have a lot of questions though and hope that if you answer them that other posters can help you to find coping strategies with this difficult heartbreaking situation…

Do you have siblings and if so how is your relationship with them? Yes, I have 3 sisters. My one sister moved with my parents and my other two sisters live by me. Of the two sisters who live by me, I have a good relationship with them but they both are hurt by my parent’s actions. My youngest sister who lives by me is most hurt because she is unmarried and going through a difficult time with her ex boyfriend. She told me is feels so alone and sad my parents just walked out. She is also trying to deal with some sexual abuse that came to light recently. *. My other sister who lives by me is married and has kids the same age as my kids. We have a beautiful relationship. My relationship with the sister who moved with my parents is ok…there is a little bit of a wedge but I am still trying to call her and love her.

Do have support on your husband’s side of the family? No. Unfortunately, my husband came from a pretty messed up family. I wish with all my heart that his parents/siblings would be different, but they are not. His family is baptized Catholics but that is it. There is a lot of abuse there so we have very limited contact with them.

Would your parent’s agree to a counseling session with you and with a priest, maybe even of their choosing? Possibly. The thing is, I told my dad to get counsel from a priest before he made this big move [my mom and dad said God told them to move.] So my dad went to a priest he knows…and the priest said “Yes, by all means God is telling you to move!!” It is hard because the priests me and my husband speak to tell me my parents are kind of crazy but the priest my dad spoke to said he is called by God. My parents are also tunnel visioned where they won’t hear anyone who tells them that they could be on the wrong path in life. I feel like my mom has wanted to move and be like Caritas for many many years.*
 
**Reply to : PaulinVA

At first, I was going to say that you can not force anyone to act in a way that you want. If they don’t, and you get angry, sad, whatever, that’s on you, not them.

My parents, God rest their souls, were both only children, and, together, they were very selfish. After Mom died, dad mentioned this once in a burst of personal clarity.

That said, I would turn this around on the OP. Your parents are caught up, apparently, in the jaws of a cult.

What are you going to do for them? **

I think my mom has held up Caritas to be a great way of life…almost like the people were living saints. My parents took us kids to Caritas a few times when we were in highschool and personally the people are nice and the grounds are beautiful. I met the founder but didn’t really like him. It was only in getting married and my husband being very very against Caritas that I have come to see the errors in thinking Caritas is a great thing. Plus going to spiritual direction from a holy priest has helped me too. But what am I going to do for them? That is a great question, one that requires me to grow in virtue. I pray for my parents and I really try to speak loving to them. When they travel back to see me and my sisters, they are welcome at my house and I try hard to treat them with love and respect even though I am hurt. For the sake of my kids, I do not want to be mean to them and I want to be a good example. But with that being said, I plan on telling my kids when they get older why grandma and grandpa moved…and I do not believe God called them. I will tell my kids that my parents are searching for God and in doing that, some people follow groups that are cult like- like caritas. But my kids have to be older to understand.
 
RE: mommy k
**Have your parents helped you in the past?
The answer to this may shed some light.

If your parents went from being giving to being apathetic it is one thing…if they were never giving people, then it would be expected.

I would meet them where they are at if the second is true for them, ie lower your expectations.
If the first us true, the I would approach them with the change and discuss the influence of caritas…**

My parents helped me out so much until I got married. They were wonderful, loving parents to me and my sisters for the most part growing up. But for some reason, my mom has decided she doesn’t want to “enable” us married kids so the involvement has become less and less. My mom didn’t get any help from her mom when she got married and when my mom’s sister got married, her mom did EVERYTHING for that sister. So my mom is hurt herself. My mom has helped me at times in my married life but my mom is better at “getting things done” and “checking things off the to do list” than just being with me and getting to know me. You can’t check that off the to do list. Yes, I need to lower my expectations and that will take time. And for me, it will be a loss. I spoke to my dad that this is a loss for me but he didn’t get it. Above all, we just have 2 different views of how family is.
 
RE: Kay Cee
**I would be so tempted to say something like “Mom, Dad, I’m sorry you’ve decided to choose that group as your new family over and above the family that God chose to give you.” **

When I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me her new family is her community, I did speak up. I asked my mom why me and her couldn’t have this close relationship, this sense of family, this thinking of the other person and getting along. My mom didn’t like to hear that and to defend herself said that with having a husband and little kids and schedules, it was too hard to make things work. I told my mom I was sad and that I wished our relationship could be different. She didn’t get it…and said that one day I will come to see why God called them to move. This was all God’s doing and I need to see with eyes of faith. **
 
holymother00112 said:
RE: mommy k

My parents helped me out so much until I got married. They were wonderful, loving parents to me and my sisters for the most part growing up. But for some reason, my mom has decided she doesn’t want to “enable” us married kids so the involvement has become less and less. My mom didn’t get any help from her mom when she got married and when my mom’s sister got married, her mom did EVERYTHING for that sister. So my mom is hurt herself. My mom has helped me at times in my married life but my mom is better at “getting things done” and “checking things off the to do list” than just being with me and getting to know me. You can’t check that off the to do list. Yes, I need to lower my expectations and that will take time. And for me, it will be a loss. I spoke to my dad that this is a loss for me but he didn’t get it. Above all, we just have 2 different views of how family is.
Click to expand...
It’s amazing how history repeats itself when there is a real or perceived resentment about something. Caritas might be the excuse but I wouldn’t count on it being the reason. There are many degrees of selfish. Sometimes I think about the outrageous behavior of my parents, my mother in particular, and then some kindness she may have done comes to mind. Intermittent conditioning is a really tough row to hoe. It means that when an animal presses a lever in a cage, sometimes food comes, or another time an electric shock.

At least you know where they stand now. When they get older such selfishness only gets worse. If you have your husband, children and other support, lean on them instead. I speak from experience. It’s not pleasant at all but it is reality.
 
I haven’t read the whole thread, but this jumped out at me:

“My parents moved to be near 2 other married couples to farm and my mom told me on the phone that these people, her community, are like her new family.”

Ow.

What a terrible thing to say to your actual daughter.
 
There’s lots of good advice in the thread.

One thing I have to add is to keep the channels of communication open (even on a superficial level), because it’s very likely that things are going to go badly. There’s a long history of farms run by novices failing, and especially commune farms.

womenshistory.about.com/od/alcottlouisamay/a/lma_transcend.htm

goodreads.com/book/show/23598191-farm-flop

I would be concerned that your parents may face some very hard times, and they may have a lot of trouble admitting it, given pride and the fact that they’ve been burning bridges with you.

If at all possible (and especially if they don’t visit you), try to visit every few years. I know it’s probably a major financial sacrifice with your young family, but I feel like things could easily go very bad, and you wouldn’t be the wiser if you couldn’t see stuff with your own eyes. (Like, what’s in the fridge? Does the farm look like it’s falling apart? Etc.)

Best wishes!
 
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