My parents are done being parents

[HelenRose]

I am married with 4 small kids to a wonderful husband. At this point in my life, I do not have much of a relationship with my parents. My parents are practicing Catholics but seem to be under the impression that when their children finished college/got married, they are pretty much done. I have desired a deeper more meaningful relationship with my mom and dad and I sat down with them to discuss this and told them that. They didn’t get it and seemed puzzled as to why I would want a “warmer, closer relationship.” They told me that “while they will always be parents, they are done being parents.” Our relationship is pretty surface level, at best.

I was under the impression that even if a child grows up and gets married, that the parents would still like to be around and active. For example, two years ago my husband and I had our 3 child. We hit a rough patch. He was working long hours at work, we had just bought a house, I was packing and taking care of my newborn and 1.5 year old and 3 year old children, and I found out I had a medical condition after giving birth [that later cleared up.] I called my parents to see if they could help me pack or give me a hand [they lived 20 minutes from me at that time]. They said no. They knew of the rough time me and my husband were going though; they just thought it was best if we handled life on our own. I was not trying to take advantage of my parents at ALL; I was just looking for some help at a rough time in our life. I seriously thought that my parents would help out and understand…kind of like a girlfriend who would understand what I was going through.

I am having inner struggles as to how to understand this relationship. I just don’t get it. I have spoken with my husband and priest about this and wanted to get some other perspective on this. In no way do I want to depend on my parents or take advantage of them.

As a side note, my parents just moved to another state. They are following the founder of Caritas of Birmingham, Alabama and all of his writings. My parents moved to be near 2 other married couples to farm and my mom told me on the phone that these people, her community, are like her new family.

I am so hurt and confused. I have these feelings of a family that I wanted but reality is so much different. I am trying to carry this cross and grow closer to Jesus through it; I am trying so hard to love my little kids and husband so I can please Jesus in my everyday life. Can someone help me with this?? * Thanks for anyone who can help.*

My son has done a similar thing. Although he is very kind and occasionally calls to see how we are doing he has taken the teaching of Christ for married couples to “forsake all others” very seriously. I absolutely love his wife and I try to examine my own behavior hoping that I am not interfering in any way. I have learned to accept this. I love both of them and I am so grateful he has a wife who is good to him and loves him. I really do not think that this comes from her. He and his wife go to a modern church that does not even have communion. Their church looks like a recording studio and they do a lot of spiritual singing etc. He would love to have us belong to this church because I think he really does miss his family but that is, of course, out of the question. Our daughter is also aware of this but she is so delightful she is able to by pass his “boundaries” from time to time.

So what you are experiencing is not just within the Catholic Church. We can only continue to love, try not to take it personally, be patient and pray, pray, pray and pray.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

holymother, what you are describing is the height of selfishness. It doesn’t come from God, as you know.

Look around closely, you will see parents who hate being parents, putting on airs until a good enough excuse comes along. Not to judge people rashly, but the proof is in the pudding.

The good news is you have your own family. A previous poster eluded to a mindset you must now adopt, which is, you are now leading the line, not just with your husband and kids, but all of your relationships.

 

[esieffe]

I recently read an article, you might be able to google the topic, about regrets of the dying, or the elderly. In the article, one was the regret that some had let relationships with friends and family go.

All this is to say that your parents may at some point come back to you. It is distressing that they are involved with this group, but almost anything can be overcome with prayer, if we are patient and it is God\s will. Keep praying, and offer up this situation to the Lord.

 

[EasterJoy]

My parents helped me out so much until I got married. They were wonderful, loving parents to me and my sisters for the most part growing up. But for some reason, my mom has decided she doesn’t want to “enable” us married kids so the involvement has become less and less. My mom didn’t get any help from her mom when she got married and when my mom’s sister got married, her mom did EVERYTHING for that sister. So my mom is hurt herself. **My mom has helped me at times in my married life but my mom is better at “getting things done” and “checking things off the to do list” than just being with me and getting to know me. You can’t check that off the to do list. **Yes, I need to lower my expectations and that will take time. And for me, it will be a loss. I spoke to my dad that this is a loss for me but he didn’t get it. Above all, we just have 2 different views of how family is.

I think you are hoping for something your parents don’t have experience of themselves, which is why they neither see the need for it nor know how to do it. Your parents may have fed themselves a good many sour grapes over the years, telling themselves they were better off making it on their own than getting the help that your mom’s sister was given and they weren’t.

The main thing is to forge relationships with your children now that will grow into their adulthood. If your own children are a “to do” list and not persons you take the time to get to know, that will be much harder in adolescence.

We have twins. We used to make it a point from time to time for one parent to take one of them out somewhere. Could be the hardware store, but sometimes each parent took one son out to eat or out for a hike at different places. Each one had a parent all to himself. They loved that. I came from a big family. I spent a lot of time with my mom, but I would have loved to have felt she was taking time for an outing especially with me to know particularly how I looked at the world. (She tended to say, “Oh, you don’t want to think that way, you want to think this way” rather than “here is another way to look at it, and here is why.”)

 

[EasterJoy]

The possibility that they are in a cult is something I’d look into simply for educational purposes. If your parents are over 60 (or 65, depending on the state, I believe), you may want to know the laws concerning financial elder abuse in the state they currently live. Cults have this way of looking to part their members with their money. If your parents are older, they may have some protections from that, but you have to know the law that applies in order to advocate for them. You can also keep a lookout for manipulative tactics from the group they are in, since you can usually alert Adult Protective Services if you suspect someone is preying on a senior citizen. This is how you protect your parents from having someone steal all their retirement money from them.

The possibility that your parents may have no experience of what you are talking about may help you to forgive them for the loss you are feeling. It may help you feel better about raising your own children very differently than you were raised and for welcoming older people in your parish to participate in your childrens’ lives in ways your parents can’t.

What to tell your children about why they moved? “People move for many reasons, and sometimes they don’t even know why. Your grandparents told me they felt God wanted them where they are. I’m going to hope they are right, because I miss them, but when people are grown-ups you have to let them make their own decisions about these things. When I am old, you and I will talk about these things, but in the end you will decide the best place for you to live and your dad and I will make the decisions about where we are going to live.” In other words, you can kind of turn the conversation from why your parents don’t live nearby to a conversation about respecting the boundaries of family members.

 

[Kay_Cee]

RE: Kay Cee
**I would be so tempted to say something like “Mom, Dad, I’m sorry you’ve decided to choose that group as your new family over and above the family that God chose to give you.” **

When I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me her new family is her community, I did speak up. I asked my mom why me and her couldn’t have this close relationship, this sense of family, this thinking of the other person and getting along. My mom didn’t like to hear that and to defend herself said that with having a husband and little kids and schedules, it was too hard to make things work. I told my mom I was sad and that I wished our relationship could be different. She didn’t get it…and said that one day I will come to see why God called them to move. This was all God’s doing and I need to see with eyes of faith. **

Goodness, that’s a shame.

(BTW, anytime you want to reference another poster, all you have to do is hit the Quote button. It might save you some time and effort.)

 

[holymother00112]

Goodness, that’s a shame.

(BTW, anytime you want to reference another poster, all you have to do is hit the Quote button. It might save you some time and effort.)

Thank you. I haven’t posted a thread in many years so I had no idea how to do that!

 

[WT1]

RE: Kay Cee
**I would be so tempted to say something like “Mom, Dad, I’m sorry you’ve decided to choose that group as your new family over and above the family that God chose to give you.” **

When I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me her new family is her community, I did speak up. I asked my mom why me and her couldn’t have this close relationship, this sense of family, this thinking of the other person and getting along. My mom didn’t like to hear that and to defend herself said that with having a husband and little kids and schedules, it was too hard to make things work. I told my mom I was sad and that I wished our relationship could be different. She didn’t get it…and said that one day I will come to see why God called them to move. This was all God’s doing and I need to see with eyes of faith. **

I hope this doesn’t come across to harsh but it is exceptionally possible that your parents are being brain washed and your relationship to them is the least of everyone’s problems:

1. Protect yourself and your children from exposure or influence by the Caritas.
2. Just let your parents know if they need your assistance in any way that you will be there for them.
3. I would have a frank discussion with other family members and develope a plan should your parents decide to break loose and need help.
4. Pray for them daily and hope for the best.

This situation isn’t really about your relationship with them, it’s about the influence the Caritas hold over them at this point. Trying to understand anything else will just bring frustration on your part.

 

[As_for_my_House]

Hi again,

I’ve read your posts and I am so sorry for your situation.

It sounds like you desperately want to communicate with your parents and they do not want to open up to you,. They sound like they are not open to a deeper relationship you and that a counseling session with a priest would not help because they have isolated themselves from the outside world.

You made a comment about abuse but you didn’t say exactly who, what or when this took place.
Could this be a factor in their cutting you off… denial, guilt, fear?

Your mother’s relationship with her own mother is another piece to the puzzle . Is this history repeating itself?

I am very glad to hear that you do have a sister with whom you can share family.

I would not ask for help anymore from your parents. I* would* continue to call and visit as often as I did in the past even if all you ever talk about is the weather. I would try to keep my emotions in check around your parents. I would be kind, friendly and warm but I would not confide in them until them offer some confidences your way. If they do I would be receptive and supportive if possible.

I have a sister who dumped me and this is how I treat her. She still hates me but she is a lot more civil about how she hates me now. I have learned that it doesn’t really matter how she feels about me, it matters how I treat her and I get a lot out of helping her when I can, especially when I help her children. She will probably never get over her resentment toward me but I forgive her. I love her, not with filial love but with agape love and this seems to work. At first it so hard because there are so many wounds but it does get easier with practice.

God bless!

 

[gardenswithkids]

I am married with 4 small kids to a wonderful husband. At this point in my life, I do not have much of a relationship with my parents. My parents are practicing Catholics but seem to be under the impression that when their children finished college/got married, they are pretty much done. I have desired a deeper more meaningful relationship with my mom and dad and I sat down with them to discuss this and told them that. They didn’t get it and seemed puzzled as to why I would want a “warmer, closer relationship.” They told me that “while they will always be parents, they are done being parents.” Our relationship is pretty surface level, at best.

I was under the impression that even if a child grows up and gets married, that the parents would still like to be around and active. …

I am having inner struggles as to how to understand this relationship. I just don’t get it. I have spoken with my husband and priest about this and wanted to get some other perspective on this. In no way do I want to depend on my parents or take advantage of them.

As a side note, my parents just moved to another state…and my mom told me on the phone that these people, her community, are like her new family.

I am so hurt and confused. I have these feelings of a family that I wanted but reality is so much different. I am trying to carry this cross and grow closer to Jesus through it; I am trying so hard to love my little kids and husband so I can please Jesus in my everyday life. Can someone help me with this?? …

((((hugs)))) Your situation sounds emotionally painful. Continue striving to please God, and perhaps you can find comfort in the words of Jesus. Jesus said those who do the will of His Father are His family.

Matthew 12: 48-50 But he said in reply to the one who told him, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” 49And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother.”

---

For some perspective, I have a mother-in-law who hasn’t helped with grandchildren, even after we moved to live closer to her. She said and did things that hurt me. I’ve gained perspective on the situation as I’ve gotten older. Now I realize that I’m speaking of an in-law situation, so I can only imagine how much more painful it must be to have these types of things coming from your own mother. But anyway, here’s some words of wisdom from my perspective:** people are flawed. ** And parents are people. Older people have flaws too. Remember that humanity is fallen. Years ago, people didn’t often get diagnosis that children often get today, but the world was still had with people who exhibited behavior consistent with ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, and a variety of other behavioral and/or emotional disorders, but they just didn’t usually get diagnosed.

You are now an adult with children of your own. You can view parenthood from your personal perspective now, and as you know of yourself, you aren’t a perfect person. Neither is your mother. She has more flaws than you recognized when you were a child. Children typically see their parents as somehow super-human. But your mom isn’t super-human. She’s flawed. And she may have more things going on than you ever realized.

Your parents moved. I’ll leave the whole “cult” question out of my commentary, but the fact that they moved indicates that they were looking for something different. Maybe it was a warmer climate, maybe it was lost youth, maybe it was adventure, and maybe was something else. I don’t know what it was that they were looking for, but I can guess.

Your mother said these new people felt like “family”–and long before your mother was a mother or grandmother, she was a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter. As we get older, many times these types of family relations aren’t with us, either because of death or something else,. These new people may feel to her something like sisters, brothers and cousins, with perhaps a few elderly “relatives” to turn to for guidance and comfort.

Being a parent of young children involves a great many personal sacrifices. Your mother likely made more sacrifices and faced more struggles than you realize. Lower your expectations of her. She’s got some issues, but don’t make her issues your issues. Love her without expecting anything from her. Forgive her and become for your children the mother you wish you had.

 

[Kay_Cee]

Forgive her and become for your children the mother you wish you had.

That’s excellent advice.

May I add: Take the pain this is causing you and offer it up for your parents’ souls. Every time you are hurt by them, once again offer up the pain for their sake. I’ve discovered over the years that this kind of forgiveness goes a long way to actually reducing the pain I’m feeling. (In fact, offering up her pain helped reconcile a friend of mine with a cousin of hers after years of animosity.)

For anyone who’s interested, I have a short blog post on this kind of forgiveness: reflections911.wordpress.com/2016/05/27/as-we-forgive-those-who-trespass-against-us/

 

[EasterJoy]

I hope this doesn’t come across to harsh but it is exceptionally possible that your parents are being brain washed and your relationship to them is the least of everyone’s problems:

1. Protect yourself and your children from exposure or influence by the Caritas.
2. Just let your parents know if they need your assistance in any way that you will be there for them.
3. I would have a frank discussion with other family members and develope a plan should your parents decide to break loose and need help.
4. Pray for them daily and hope for the best.

This situation isn’t really about your relationship with them, it’s about the influence the Caritas hold over them at this point. Trying to understand anything else will just bring frustration on your part.

I would certainly want to make certain that at least one sibling makes it a point to visit them at their place on a regular basis. It might be best to do it alone, since the more low-key it is the less there will be wariness to hide anything they think you might not like. The more low-key and non-judging the person’s behavior, the better.

After all, if someone came rushing into the new spiritual community you just hand-picked fpr yourself and implied they thought it might be a cult, who wouldn’t be tempted to protect their church from rash judgment by hiding anything that could be misconstrued? It would only be natural, cult or no cult. If you make them wary, they might become evasive, and that alone would heighten your anxiety about whether everything is OK. It is far better to assume the attitude that everything is probably fine.

The other thing, of course, is that it is easier to believe that someone only wants a one-on-one relationship with you when they are doing all the travelling, they are willing to put in the work and the expense, and they aren’t putting you on the spot to perform the role of ideal grandparent for their children. Forge the relationship first, and perhaps that relationship will lead them to want what so many grandparents can only long to have.

It might not pay dividends right away, but if you do your part to keep the door open, then when some wake-up call comes along they may be less worried that you won’t have them if they try to change course to your direction and more willing to say, “OK, yes, we would like a closer relationship, too.” That has been known to happen.

 

[lax16]

RE: Kay Cee
**I would be so tempted to say something like “Mom, Dad, I’m sorry you’ve decided to choose that group as your new family over and above the family that God chose to give you.” **

When I spoke with my mom on the phone and she told me her new family is her community, I did speak up. I asked my mom why me and her couldn’t have this close relationship, this sense of family, this thinking of the other person and getting along. My mom didn’t like to hear that and to defend herself said that with having a husband and little kids and schedules, it was too hard to make things work. I told my mom I was sad and that I wished our relationship could be different. She didn’t get it…and said that one day I will come to see why God called them to move. This was all God’s doing and I need to see with eyes of faith. **

There is much written about the group your parents are wanting to join. Read up and become familiar with it and get the necessary help. I believe I read that there is a place in Ohio that has experience with it.

That is the real problem here. Please take this seriously.

 

[zamyrabyrd]

There is much written about the group your parents are wanting to join. Read up and become familiar with it and get the necessary help. I believe I read that there is a place in Ohio that has experience with it.
That is the real problem here. Please take this seriously.

Oh boy, this doesn’t look too good:
medjugorje.ws/en/articles/local-man-escapes-alabama-cult-caritas-of-birmingham/

Cults have a habit of relieving members of their wallets and more. This aspect should be looked into but as someone said, very tactfully, otherwise people become defensive and that’s the end of communication.

 

[zamyrabyrd]

I just want to add that elderly people are prime targets for money scams. We have a relative on my husband’s side who joined the Moonies about 35 years ago. The love bombing at the outset really impressed him. It didn’t last long, however.

It was a miracle he finally escaped from them. In the beginning, he was working for almost no pay, yet selling expensive Korean products to his mother for the garden that she didn’t need nor could afford.

Probably having a spouse was a major factor in weaning him away, although she was from the group. In other words, his loyalties were being shifted to her and later the kids. They still had a picture of Moon and his wife in 1997 on the wall in their apartment but now, they are finished with the cult.

The last straw was the Moonies wanting to take over a business he started having to do with supplying food to restaurants. What I’m saying, it was a long process and he was still young and smart enough to leave.

 

[lax16]

Oh boy, this doesn’t look too good:
medjugorje.ws/en/articles/local-man-escapes-alabama-cult-caritas-of-birmingham/

Cults have a habit of relieving members of their wallets and more. This aspect should be looked into but as someone said, very tactfully, otherwise people become defensive and that’s the end of communication.

Yes the OP must do her homework.

 

[Xantippe]

I agree she should take it seriously, but probably only to serious prayer, as sadly, there doesn’t seem to be anything concrete for her to do.

As far as “getting the necessary help” not sure what that is exactly. She can’t call the police unless she has proof of illegal activity, she can’t even call the local diocese as evidently this group is still in good standing with the diocese there as far as I can tell.

The original poster’s problem with her parents and emotional distance, sound like they began years before anyway. The Serenity prayer would be a good one here, being able to recognize that from several states away she has no control or ability to change this situation.

I maintain that her main spiritual responsibility lies in keeping herself healthy so she can be a good Catholic wife and mother, her primary vocation. Although you are correct she should take this seriously and should she suspect anything illegal she should call the police but beyond that she probably has to let them go, very sad. It is frustrating but they are adults and have free will.

Tossing spare change in the grandma-and-grandpa emergency jar couldn’t hurt, either.

I think the OP’s parents are going to be in extreme financial need at some point in the next several years, what with the cult and the farm–either of those two things can bleed you dry, and I can’t even imagine what cult + farm will do to you.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

I understand how you feel about your parents not taking a more active role with you and your family. I have similar issues with my own parents.

It is definitely a struggle, for sure. I had a situation to deal with recently and I called my parents to discuss it. My mom said she would call back in a couple of days, but didn’t call until several days afterwards.

I asked my parents to come out and visit me twice, once I was having issues, and the other time, I just wanted them to visit. The time I was having issues, my mom said that they had a previous obligation that they couldn’t break. The other time my mom said that they basically didn’t have the money for it. Yes, my mom knows how I feel about their actions. I feel your pain.

As I was told by a priest once, “Forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

Trying to forgive my parents, but it is hard, especially when communications are strained and not on a regular basis, IMO.

Work through it the best you can with God’s help, which is what I try to do.

 

[lax16]

I agree she should take it seriously, but probably only to serious prayer, as sadly, there doesn’t seem to be anything concrete for her to do.

As far as “getting the necessary help” not sure what that is exactly. She can’t call the police unless she has proof of illegal activity, she can’t even call the local diocese as evidently this group is still in good standing with the diocese there as far as I can tell.

The original poster’s problem with her parents and emotional distance, sound like they began years before anyway. The Serenity prayer would be a good one here, being able to recognize that from several states away she has no control or ability to change this situation.

I maintain that her main spiritual responsibility lies in keeping herself healthy so she can be a good Catholic wife and mother, her primary vocation. Although you are correct she should take this seriously and should she suspect anything illegal she should call the police but beyond that she probably has to let them go, very sad. It is frustrating but they are adults and have free will.

I would contact someone who specializes in this behavior and do whatever I could to help my parents. And pray.

Here’s somewhere to start: culteducation.com/group/861-caritas-of-birmingham.html

 

[holymother00112]

((((hugs)))) Your situation sounds emotionally painful. Continue striving to please God, and perhaps you can find comfort in the words of Jesus. Jesus said those who do the will of His Father are His family.

Matthew 12: 48-50 But he said in reply to the one who told him, “Who is my mother? Who are my brothers?” 49And stretching out his hand toward his disciples, he said, “Here are my mother and my brothers. 50For whoever does the will of my heavenly Father is my brother, and sister, and mother.”

---

For some perspective, I have a mother-in-law who hasn’t helped with grandchildren, even after we moved to live closer to her. She said and did things that hurt me. I’ve gained perspective on the situation as I’ve gotten older. Now I realize that I’m speaking of an in-law situation, so I can only imagine how much more painful it must be to have these types of things coming from your own mother. But anyway, here’s some words of wisdom from my perspective:** people are flawed. ** And parents are people. Older people have flaws too. Remember that humanity is fallen. Years ago, people didn’t often get diagnosis that children often get today, but the world was still had with people who exhibited behavior consistent with ADHD, autism spectrum disorders, and a variety of other behavioral and/or emotional disorders, but they just didn’t usually get diagnosed.

You are now an adult with children of your own. You can view parenthood from your personal perspective now, and as you know of yourself, you aren’t a perfect person. Neither is your mother. She has more flaws than you recognized when you were a child. Children typically see their parents as somehow super-human. But your mom isn’t super-human. She’s flawed. And she may have more things going on than you ever realized.

Your parents moved. I’ll leave the whole “cult” question out of my commentary, but the fact that they moved indicates that they were looking for something different. Maybe it was a warmer climate, maybe it was lost youth, maybe it was adventure, and maybe was something else. I don’t know what it was that they were looking for, but I can guess.

Your mother said these new people felt like “family”–and long before your mother was a mother or grandmother, she was a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a niece, a granddaughter. As we get older, many times these types of family relations aren’t with us, either because of death or something else,. These new people may feel to her something like sisters, brothers and cousins, with perhaps a few elderly “relatives” to turn to for guidance and comfort.

Being a parent of young children involves a great many personal sacrifices. Your mother likely made more sacrifices and faced more struggles than you realize. Lower your expectations of her. She’s got some issues, but don’t make her issues your issues. Love her without expecting anything from her. Forgive her and become for your children the mother you wish you had.

Thank you so much for your reply. While it is hard to see my parents have issues and for my mom to have a lot of issues, that is the case. I wish she would open up so she can find true healing and peace but I know that isn’t going to happen so your advice is so wise. Easier said than done but that’s ok. I think that is why Jesus said to take up your “daily” cross…this is going to be a daily cross for me. I love what you said- love her, forgive her and be the mother I wish I had.