My parents don't support me if I choose to be a Benedictine Monk

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hamburglar

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I had been looking into the Benedictine Monks, but my parents do not support me. They are Catholics, and would not have a problem if I were to become a Diocesan Priest, but they do not want me to become a monk. They say that it would be a waste of my life. They say that monks don’t do anything for other people.

What can I tell them?
 
The role of a monk is to live a life of penance and prayer for the Church. Prayer produces greater fruits then any other work. Do your parents no longer believe in the power of prayer?

In the 1800s there was a surge of nationalist and utilitarian ideologies in Europe in the aftermath of the French Revolution. The monasteries were considered useless or worse, fostering loyalty to a foreign power (the Pope) and producing nothing tangible. Many monasteries were closed, the monks dispersed or imprisoned. At one monastery they were dragged in chains from their choir stalls while chanting the Divine Office.
 
hamburglar said:
I had been looking into the Benedictine Monks, but my parents do not support me. They are Catholics, and would not have a problem if I were to become a Diocesan Priest, but they do not want me to become a monk. They say that it would be a waste of my life. They say that monks don’t do anything for other people.

What can I tell them?
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Find some Benedictines that would impress your parents out of their socks, and start a relationship up between them and your parents.

Your choice of vocation, if it is a “VOCation”, is not even yours but rather God’s calling to you. Do you REALLY think that your parents have any say in THAT relationship at all!?

Listen to your parents in matters in which they have a say. If the monks isn’t really for you, you’ll find out soon enough.

Just do your research THOROUGHLY, and don’t call a whim a vocation! This is VERY serious stuff.
 
I fought my family tooth and nail for years while discerning religious life. I too, was most attracted to cloistered contemplative life. The best advice I can give you is to talk to the monks, there are many many religious out there who entered against their families wishes… and their families always come around in the end. It all goes back to God being in control. I found that hearing the stories of families’ reactions from the nuns was both humorous and encouraging.

The other thing to consider is that your parent’s resistance may be a result of misinformation. Perhaps if you could bring them to the monastery guest house, show them around, have them meet the vocation director they may settle down a bit. If they won’t visit with you don’t let it stop you… I’m living proof they eventually give up, it takes a lot of energy to resist the work of the Lord. 👍

A book I recommend is the Rule of Benedict for Beginner’s. It is a short book written by an oblate but I found it really helped me understand the spirituality and the difficulties with getting accustomed to the Benedictine life.
 
Are you over 18?

If so, your parents have no hold on you and neither do they have the right to tell you what or what not to do with your vocation.
 
porthos11 said:
Are you over 18?

If so, your parents have no hold on you and neither do they have the right to tell you what or what not to do with your vocation.
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Yes, I am 18. However, my parents are the ones that pay for college currently, and the car. There is a vocation weekend thing at a monastery I am interested in this summer, so I need to get to the monastery some way. And walking isn’t gonna work!

I realize that they legally don’t have control. However, I by no means can see myself, or any other 18 year olds, living on my own without financial support.

I closely value my relationships with my parents. I need to show them that a monk’s life of prayer DOES do good for others. I need to show them that a vocation is what God wants for me. If He feels I can do good by way of praying in a monastery, then I must make my parents see that.
 
porthos11 said:
Are you over 18?

If so, your parents have no hold on you and neither do they have the right to tell you what or what not to do with your vocation.
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That depends. If he lives with them regardless of his age, he still under their authority. Even if he is over 18 and living independently I can think of no greater comfort than to have the blessing of one’s parents when entering a religious community. It is probably best to at least try to get them to come around with prayer and patience. Since they are not opposed to the OP becoming a diocesan priest I certainly don’t think they are beyond hope.

Though, if it boils down to a power struggle you are correct that hamurglar’s obedience and service is owed to God in his vocation before his parents. Like I mentioned in my first post… there are a good many stories about this sort of difficulty and God usually shows the family that His ways are greater than their plans.
 
That’s a very difficult situation indeed. I can understand that you don’t want to be disobedient to God on one hand, but not disobedient to your parents on the other hand.

As pointed out before, personal relationships with contemplative monks might help your parents, as might the explanation of the importance of prayer for the world. Prayer does more good than the work of one man’s hands could possibly do. As Catholics, they should be open for that ;).

About the discerment retreat: Did you already speak to them about that? Perhaps they are not as opposed to it as you might think, because discerning leaves the 50:50 chance that somebody will say: Not for me!
So you could explain to them that you’d like to go to that retreat to check if your imagination about contemplative life and the reality meet…
 
Entering a monastic community, the diocesan priesthood, and the married life are all initiations into service of a Christ-centered family. One is a monastic community, another is a diocese/parish, and yet another is a nuclear family. The thing is that many people just don’t see that they are all important and necessary, as they together serve the Church’s mission–to prepare humanity for heaven.

Is it possible that there might be some sort of fear from your parents that a monastic vocation would tear you away from your family? I say this because I find it strange how parents could be pro-diocesan priesthood and against monastic life (in which one could become a priest too).

If your parents are afraid they won’t see you, tell them that it won’t be the case. Hospitality is one of the hallmarks of Benedictine life, and they frequently permit visitors to stay in the guest rooms. I personally know several Benedictines who have kept in good correspondence with their families.

If your parents are concerned that the Benedictine life is not productive or helpful to the outer community, ask them which order is credited with rebuilding Europe, or better yet, ask a current monk what he does every day. I can name off dozens of duties which my Benedictine monk friends do everyday which benefit both the monastery and outer community (such as professor, priest, gardener, counselor, mechanic, librarian, museum curator, social service organizations…)

To get a clearer direction in life, I spent four months in St. Gregory’s University’s Monastic Observation Program for University Students (aptly named OPUS) along with a handful of guys, and I can say that I came out a more peaceful, selfless man because of it. Spending some time at the discernment retreat should help even if you do not end up joining. Keep on seeking Him with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength, and you will find Him.

Pax et Bonum,

Victor
 
I would say that your parents are on the right path by supporting you on the possibility of being ordained. I would also say that they know you quite well and maybe they are trying to help you in being realistic with your discernment.

Following God is not only and act of faith but also an act of reason, so listen to them and make sure that what you are pursuing is your real charisma.

Sometime as an ordained person you will have to do things that will not tickle your fancy or even displease you but they still are the right things to do. Maybe you have to face this kind of choice at the very beginning.
 
hamburglar said:
I had been looking into the Benedictine Monks, but my parents do not support me. They are Catholics, and would not have a problem if I were to become a Diocesan Priest, but they do not want me to become a monk. They say that it would be a waste of my life. They say that monks don’t do anything for other people.

What can I tell them?
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Are your parents Catholic?
 
I will keep you in my prayers. I recommend checking out this set of “monks”. www.stvincentmonks.com or .org… They are benedictine and I really loved meeting with them!

Pax Christi!!
 
Purgatorio said:
I will keep you in my prayers. I recommend checking out this set of “monks”. www.stvincentmonks.com or .org… They are benedictine and I really loved meeting with them!

Pax Christi!!
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Yes, I am interested in St. Vincent Archabbey and St. Meinrad Archabbey saintmeinrad.edu/

I’ve been to St. Meinrad on a youth liturgical retreat a couple of years ago the summer, which I think was my sophomore year. I liked the abbey and the monks, and we stayed in the dorms of the college. We didn’t get to enter into the refectory (I think that’s what it’s called, where the monks live) but we did get to go into the church. Anyway, it was nice.

The vocation director for St. Vincent Archabbey is very friendly and helpful. I had been in contact with him through e-mail. The website is nice too, I really enjoyed checking out the virtual tour of the basilica benedictine.stvincent.edu/parish/tour/tour.html

I would love to visit St. Vincent Archabbey for a vocation visit, but since that is in Pennsylvania and I live in Michigan, it is quite a ways to drive for an 18-year old. I would have to fly, and that would be costly. St. Meinrad Archabbey is in Indiana, so that is easier for me to get to. I might go to the “A Monastic Observance” program at the beginning of August.

I know there is also St. John’s Abbey in Minnesota. Looking at pictures, I don’t know if that abbey would be the right atmosphere for me, although the outdoors looks nice and peaceful.

By the way, please forgive me for my poor grammar that I probably used. I got out of college on Friday for Christmas break, and I’m a little out of it 👍
 
I got a fun idea…kinda.

You see, I go to this school called Belmont Abbey College. The campus is the home of about 18 or so Benedictine monks. Some of the monks teach, some of them are counselors to the students, and some work in the campus gift shop, or as administrators. Almost all of them are also priests. Believe me, none of these monks are wasting their lives! They play an important role in the lives of us students and are quite well know by everyone who takes the time to say hello to them.
Perhaps you could convince your parents to let you come stay a while at one of their retreats, or you might even want to consider studying at the college. You could prepare yourself for seminary by majoring in Theology as well as participate in the liturgies which all students are invited to attend.

The College

The Monastery
 
most people when they think of religious life, they think of the diocesan priesthood. therefore that’s what they know and encourage. they do not yet understand the importance of religious brothers and sisters. keep on your discernment journey, and it will be clear which you are called to. most people simply don’t understand and probably won’t, if ever. to you, the differences will be very clear, and hopefully you will be able to better explain it to them in a way they can understand.

the two vocations are so vastly different, it is like a family physician versus a research scientist. they are both important, yet so different and unique to each person.

remember the scripture verse that talks about how every bird needs to leave the nest. how every person leaves his family to marry his spouse. it is not about what they want, it’s about what God wants for you. eventually they will see that you know what you’re doing and following God, so they’ll start to back off. if not, just put it in God’s hands and He’ll take care of you. God bless!
 
Dear Hamburglar,
Code: 
   You have a long time to think and work towards your vocation.  You may even change your mind.   I would pursue your heart felt vocation  but in a manner to minimialize the friction with your parents.    Doing so will make your choices easier. The Holy Spirit will guide you in this.  Of course I understand you wanting to please your parents and that you are disappointed. 

    I  read a thread where someone wants to be a reaper like in the  TV show  "Reaper."   Somehow I sense a deeper and more sensible person in you.   You have a valid concern and good intentions.   So  I know that many also can see this and much prayers for the Lord to guide you along.
Merry Christimas,
BluesPicker
 
My son is a Benedictine monk, at Conception Abbey in Conception MO. I’ll offer a couple of things here. I just skimmed some of the very good replies but here’s some food for thought.
  • you said you were 18, at Conception 20 is the minium age for entrance, although that may vary from place to place. The extra two years would give you more time for discernment.
  • do you have any debt ? That could stand in the way of making final vows, credit card debt is especially frowned upon.
  • monks at Conception number about 30 with about 30 more being dispersed to nearby parishes in the diocese so they are active in various ways along with what they do at the monastary
My son is a postulant & has been at the Abbey about 5 months & is home for Christmas vacation. He **LOVES **it ! he’s already said he looks foward to going back soon. As his dad I was much relieved this didn’t upset my wife, you know first son leaving home ect. he’s only 20 himself & is the baby of the place. two things he’s said he’s noticed about coming home 1) the pace is faster 2) the noise. Like I mentioned the wife & I are both thrilled he’s taken to it as well as he has. The Abbot told my wife “he’s a keeper” which made us both proud.

As I said I hope these things weren’t already covered, I just skimmed the other replies, God Bless you in your discernment.
 
sjasc.edu/

My former seminary. I loved the Benedictine Monks. Used to chat for hours in a pub like setting that I worked in at nights for financial aid. Kind of cool huh.

I’ve been making peace with my past. I think your parents would be about my age or older. Many people form that era threw the baby out with the bath water and thus we lost lots of people leaving the Monestaries and Convents. I know more than one sister that got married. I know many priests that left the priesthood. It was a difficult time in the Church. You are fortunate to be entering now. We are depending on you younger people to revive the Church to its splendor that it diserves.

Had I not run into my difficulties I’d be a priest today. But I’m slowly coming to grips with the thought that maybe God meant this for me and my wife. I have three beautiful children and an wonderful new catholic wife…no I didn’t get divorced or something like that. She …we crossed the Tiber this past year.

Protect your vocation…even from parents though. I did not have support for my vocation. You should consider entering the seminary now and when you are old enough and sure enter the monestary.

I put off joining the Knights until this past year. It was a good move for me. When I went to seminary the Knighs gave me a small scholarship of $500. Today they’ll dish out thousands. We need priests and religious vocations. If you need money, go to the Knights of Columbus…Join the Knights for your own sake and I assure you…the money is here begging for seminarians. I’m sure they’ll support monastics too. We sent one or two of our seminarians to Rome. Not bad. We fund raise all the time. As I get more information, I will contact your local Knights for financial assistance. Honor your parents. They just want to see you happy unlike the many that fled the seminary, monestaries and convents back in the 70’s.

I will pray for you…its my new apostolate…help others seeking find a way to make it work. My oldest son is considering the priesthood as a Franciscan Friar. I love that more than him being a diocesan priest. However, if he chooses the diocesan life that is fine too. But I believe you would be happier in formation with brothers…it’s wonderful experience. Parents are not always right. It is your vocation, not theirs. I miss the seminary a lot and now that I’ve returned to the Catholic Church I’ve reconnected myself to the seminary in hopes of supporting like I said before. I’m actually looking at becoming an SFO secular Franciscan with my wife. I also feel called to the diaconate…something I’ve never stopped hearing even though I was practicing another faith…confusing huh?. I know… I should have been a priest, but I now believe God sent me to help my wife escape her miserable life in a fundamental evangelical church engaged in proselytizing others, especially Catholics like me… I’ve been living a life of penance and praying constantly for Catholics and others alike.

Keeping you in my prayers and pocket book. Let me know if you run into a snag. I have connection at Franciscan University and St. Francis University. Kind of cool huh. 🙂 Maybe I can point you to some people. Just PM if you have a problem…give me time. And DO NOT RUSH things. Take your time. God will make it happen if it is His will.
 
i believe that if God is calling you to it, go. your parents cannot beat God in this matter. Monks spend their life in prayer. i know i’m lookin into it.
 
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