My parents think I'm an idiot and I am hurting so much

[redbetta]

Hi Redbetta! I have several thoughts on all this.

First, what nationality is your mother? She wouldn’t happen to be one of those Chinese Tiger Mothers, would she? A culture clash between foreign mom and American daughter would explain a lot.

Regardless, I’d like to think she means well but just doesn’t have the parenting skills to hold you to high standards and yet be supportive at the same time. Just because you can have babies doesn’t mean you know how to raise them in a psychologically healthy manner.

It is also possible that your mother herself was raised in a psychologically damaging manner, and so is not capable of loving you well enough. Sad, but common.

What you said about your Dad. I read that as him trying to counteract Mom’s poor parenting as best he knows how. Clearly it didn’t help you feel better, though. Perhaps what I said about Mom applies to him, too, but in a different way. That was certainly the case in my house. Two well-meaning people, both with issues, try their best but damage their kids psychologically anyway and they know not how.

You mentioned college. Are you attending from home? Remember that at some point you will leave home. Either you go away to college or after you graduate you get a job and move out then. Once you are out of the home you start to learn who you are apart from your family, and you will be in ultimate control of what they learn about you and how often they see you. Hang in there! It gets better!

And I agree with recommendations to practice driving with someone else. Anyone but Mom.

Both my parents are from Poland. I am my father’s only child and he was too old to have more, 68 now. So he has spoiled me over the years, but tries to raise me right. My mom has a son from a previous marriage and she was disappointed in him because he went into a non-prestigious, low-paying field and mom felt it a waste of college education. So now she dreams of having a doctor or something for a daughter, but I have not figured out what I even like or enjoy, let alone what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am an upcoming senior who’s looking at colleges and utterly lost in the search. That is part of the mess I am in. Thanks, I sure hope it gets better.

 

[Lily235]

Choosing colleges to apply for is usually overwhelming. If you have an idea of what major you want to study, you can narrow down the possibilities to schools that offer that major, and then see which ones are considered the best.

Without an idea of your major, you can narrow down possibilities by thinking about what size school you want to go to and how far away you’d like to be. Also, do you want to go to a Catholic college? The choice of school should not make a difference in how well you keep your faith, as long as you keep going to church and do stuff with other Catholic students.

As for majors, a lot of students switch after they get to college and discover that they like something else better. If you have absolutely no idea at all, I would start in a science, simply because if you switch from a science major to a nonscience major, there will be less catching up to do and it will not be as difficult. If you switch from, say, English to Chemistry you’ll add another semester or two to your total time in college as you make up the foundational math and science classes.

Also keep in mind that adults generally switch careers entirely during their lives. You do not need to decide what you’ll do for the rest of your life at all. Aim for the first 5 or 10 years out of college, instead.

Since you are starting your senior year of high school, you have some time to explore jobs. Maybe there is a way for you to shadow different people at work? Or do informational interviews with people in different jobs. High school guidance counselor might know about official programs. You could also start talking to neighbors and family and other adults about what they do for a living, and get more information that way. Ask what they actually do day to day, what they like and dislike about it, and what kind of education you need to get into that kind of work.

Also, don’t for get to ask God if He wants you to do something specific. And then the hard part, listen and watch for an answer. You may find yourself being drawn in a direction once you start to pray about it.

 

[Ridgerunner]

This reminds me of something. One of my daughters had a lot of trouble with driving. I knew she wouldn’t pass the test, and she didn’t. Part of her problem was that she would somehow get distracted with the process itself and fail to obey all the little rules the drivers examiners look for.

So, one day when I was with her while she was driving under permit, I told her there were kittens and puppies lined up on the yellow lines and the lane lines, and that there were cute bunnies everywhere in an intersection except for the part you were supposed to turn into, as well as just outside the lines for parallel parking. Sort of a game. When she inadvertently crossed a line, I wouldn’t say she crossed a line, I would say “Oh no! Almost got the kittens and puppies with that one. They ran for their lives and were really scared!”

Somehow it improved her driving precision as she pictured the kittens and puppies and bunnies and such.

 

[shainski]

Ha,

In my family (of six kids), only one of us passed his driver’s license on the first try - and, he was, by far, the worst driver.

Now that was too many years ago than I care to admit - but I laugh about it when I think about it.

I imagine that your mom is having a hard time with something (maybe it’s you growing up). It does sound unreasonable that she is talking to as she is (even if she is sincere in that she believes it - which I doubt).

But 17 year olds and parents often butt-heads with many issues. It’s hard growing up and it’s hard letting go. I would suggest that you find someone else to drive around with - Your dad seems to have a better temperament for this - or perhaps an aunt or uncle. I know many parents who over-react with their own kids in this environment - but would do better with someone they weren’t so close to.

 

[Joe_5859]

Both my parents are from Poland. I am my father’s only child and he was too old to have more, 68 now. So he has spoiled me over the years, but tries to raise me right. My mom has a son from a previous marriage and she was disappointed in him because he went into a non-prestigious, low-paying field and mom felt it a waste of college education. So now she dreams of having a doctor or something for a daughter, but I have not figured out what I even like or enjoy, let alone what I want to do with the rest of my life. I am an upcoming senior who’s looking at colleges and utterly lost in the search. That is part of the mess I am in. Thanks, I sure hope it gets better.

It does get better! You are not an “idiot” or a “dunce” or “hopeless” and you certainly don’t need to be institutionalized!

Your dignity comes from God, not from the things your mother says, nor from how you compare to other people. Comparing ourselves to others is one of the most useless things we can do. We usually end up comparing the worst of our secret failings to the best of another’s outward appearances. That is never a fair comparison and inevitably leads to feelings of inferiority.

When I was heading into Senior year of high school, I had no idea where I wanted to go to college (and didn’t really want to think about it). Once I finally decided on a school, I spent a year and a half with a major of “undecided” before finally deciding on that. But somehow, it all worked out. It will work out for you, too. Hang in there.

 

[Allegra]

Let your parents get you an instructor if they want. Obviously, they are no fun to drive with. Besides, it might make your insurance cheaper in the long run.

Your mom shouldn’t speak to you that way. My mom was often verbally abusive toward me in high school and I think it really stemmed from her own insecurity and dealing with the fact that her kids aren’t her own personal accessories and aren’t going to be controled forever.

She belittled me constantly about my clothes (not stylish enough), my friends (unattractive, stuckup, probably gay), my activities (not a good way to meet boys or “cool” friends), my jobs (taking time away from my family and social life), and mostly my academic efforts (Being “book smart” doesn’t get you far in life and no one likes a know-it-all anyway).

Retrospectively, I realize that the things she hated most about me were the exact same things that made me independant from her. She sensed she was losing control and it made her vicious toward me. When I graduated high school I took the scholarships I had earned and the money I had saved from my jobs and went on my merry way to another town to attend school. (Without a dime of support from her.) Our relationship improved steadily after that and we are much closer now.

Anyway, my point is that your mom’s completely innappropriate and unsupportive attitude about your driving might be the result of a “letting go issue”. It doesn’t make it right, but it might put less stress on you if you realize that this is her issue and not yours.