My Parents want me to be a Cafeteria Catholic

[ScrupulousMonk]

Please forgive me if I detract. I tried to only give out the necessary information.

I have known for sometime that my parents professed to Cafeteria Catholicism, but it was not until recently that I had an argument with them regarding their use of Contraceptives and other secular Christian values. A lot happened during that argument: we challenged each other, shed tears, tried to sway each other, and tried to comfort each other in hopes that they will conform to our respective positions. I am going to attempt to re-type the things they said to me. It will not be word-for-word (although I will include some words they really did use), but it will give the general idea of what they tried to convey to me.

My Mother(She was a bit calm in tone and composed)
My son, God is not strict. He is not black and white. We are only human. We will err. That is why we have confession so that we may be forgiven. Besides, I do not believe there is anything wrong with Contraception. In fact, I believe God will not see as a sin anything that does not hurt others. Let me tell you something. Had I not used contraceptives, this family may not be where it is today. We would not have this house, we would not be able to send you and your brother to school, and you would not have been able to receive a religious education. Allow me to elaborate: I know that your father, as good as he is, is still a man and still susceptible to committing adultery. This is especially amplified by the fact that he travels a lot as part of his work. Who knows how many women he might have been tempted to cheat on me with. That is why I must sexually satisfy him as much as possible. I can not do that under NFP because my infertile periods occur less frequently than the average woman. That is why it is necessary for me to use contraceptives. If it was not for contraceptives, your father would have left not only me but also you and your brother. He would have started a new family and not even care about us. Meanwhile, you, your brother, and I would be on the streets and too poor to support ourselves. Would you care about God, morality, or what the Church considers right or wrong if we were destitute? You do not know what it is like to be poor!!! That is why I do not find anything wrong with contraceptives or any activity that does not hurt those that do no want to be hurt or involve those that do not want to be involved! I know you do not agree with me and I am sorry to disappoint you, but you will agree with me once you go out into the real world. You will soon realize that some rules need to be bent and that there are several shades of gray in the world. If you want survive and be happy in this world, you will have to loosen your grip on your [Catholic] ideals. Otherwise, the world will eat you up.

She is essentially telling me that I do not have to adhere to the moral codes Christ or the Church! What really bothers me is her secular mentality. “As long as I do not hurt anyone, it is moral.” Even worse, she does not see Contraception as sinful in anyway. If she even acknowledged that it was wrong, I would be more at peace with her. I love my mother and I understand she has been through a lot, but I am worried what she is going to do to her own soul and to mine. Next is my father’s argument.

 

[ScrupulousMonk]

My Father (He spoke rapidly and was excited in tone)
Son, think of contraception as a white lie. You normally would not lie to someone unless it is really necessitated. Contraception was necessitated in this case. Let me tell you this: when I went to Catholic school, they taught me everything I needed to know regarding the faith. They taught me the theology, the moral codes, and all of that. But when they talked about married life, they said many of those moral codes change. They said that as long as you still have Faith in God and raise your children according to the faith, then God will forgive you for anything and everything that you needed to do as a parent and a spouse. That is why every time I see you refrain from Communion, I feel like I failed as a parent and all the things I have done were for naught. (He continues talking on, but I have difficulty understanding what he is saying. Much of it was not concise or coherent)It is as your mother said: Mortal sins are limited to those that hurt others. So, please, son, understand us.

I was absolutely devastated at this point. Not only my mother but also my father is trying to convince me to condone their actions and believe the way they do.

I did not make much of a counter-argument. I was too busy holding back my tears. The people who were supposed to raise me according to Christ and His Church are basically saying that I do not have to take my faith seriously! What I did managed to say to them was “Whatever circumstances you are in and no matter the difficulty of the choices, it does not change what is right and what is wrong. They will remain absolute.” I was losing my competence, so I basically said the same thing in different ways for the rest of the argument. I did mention that the two of them should see a priest, but they refused.

I professed to Cafeteria Catholicism before, but I received a spiritual awakening a few years ago that changed my life forever. I know in my heart that the Catholic Church is Christ’s Church and I do not ever want to depart from Her teachings. I am still very much a sinner, but at least I know that Christ and His Church are the legitimate sources of moral teachings. I love my parents and honor them, but they have shaken my faith and may continue to do so in the future. What am I to do?!

My fellow bondsmen in Christ, please help me. Did I do enough? Was I in the wrong? They said they did this for the family and I, so am I an accessory to their crime or even a beneficiary? Should I forsake all the things they have given me so I will no longer be an accessory to their crime? Should I confront them again? Do you have any counterarguments that I can use should I confront them again or anyone else with similar views? Just give me some advice. I really need it.

 

[Em_in_FL]

You obviously KNOW what’s right and what’s wrong.
I understand how horrible it is to see your parents, the ones who encouraged you and raised you in the faith, to blatantly tell you that they really don’t believe it all themselves… it’s heart wrenching - I know.

Turn that heart wrenching pain into prayer for them.

You said what needed to be said - you made it very clear, and it’s up to them to take those words to heart or not. You fulfilled your requirement in admonishing the sinner - no doubt! Be careful not to cross that line into becoming uncharitable. It doesn’t necessarily need to be said again. Maintaining a decent relationship with your parents is important as well… and that’s a very, very difficult and fine line to walk… very hard to maintain composure - I get it.

Pray, pray, and pray some more… that is where you should turn your anguish at this point.
St. Monica would be a wonderful resource at this time.
God bless you and keep you!

 

[1ke]

Please be at peace. Do not bring this up with your parents again. I am not even sure how one gets into a contraception conversation with one’s parents.

Moving forward, focus on your spiritual life, do not discuss topics that can bring only strife into your relationship with your parents. They know what the Church teaches. They will have to be accountable. It is not appropriate for you to continue bringing this up with your parents.

Respect them. Pray for them. Live your life according to the precepts of the Church. And since you call yourself scrupulous, please seek spiritual counsel from your pastor. While picking and choosing (so called cafeteria Catholicism) is not correct, one does not want to go overboard in the opposite direction either and develop a malformed conscience.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Please be at peace. Do not bring this up with your parents again. I am not even sure how one gets into a contraception conversation with one’s parents.

If parents don’t have conversations about contraception with their children, who will? Who are we supposed to learn about contraception from? How are ore consciences supposed to be formed.

 

[ScrupulousMonk]

To Em in FL
Thank you for your words. I will be sure to pray for them as much as I can.

1ke
I will be sure to honor them as I should and avoid any unnecessary confrontations

To ALL
Please forgive me if I do not reply immediately. I am having network difficulties at my end.

 

[1ke]

If parents don’t have conversations about contraception with their children, who will? Who are we supposed to learn about contraception from? How are ore consciences supposed to be formed.

Hello, other way around. It was the child getting into a conversation about the parent’s use of contraception. that is what I am talking about.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Hello, other way around. It was the child getting into a conversation about the parent’s use of contraception. that is what I am talking about.

Hello? a) that’s not what you said. b) how do you know which way it went? c) Are saying a parent can initiate the conversation but the child never should? What if they have questions at a later date…keep it themselves?

 

[crenfro]

To the original OP → God bless you and keep fighting the good fight. Placing you in the enclosed garden of the most sacred heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

…and, my reply to …

If parents don’t have conversations about contraception with their children, who will? Who are we supposed to learn about contraception from? How are ore consciences supposed to be formed.

The below is from the Catholic Catechism regarding contraception–>

2370 Periodic continence, that is, the methods of birth regulation based on self-observation and the use of infertile periods, is in conformity with the objective criteria of morality.158 These methods respect the bodies of the spouses, encourage tenderness between them, and favor the education of an authentic freedom. In contrast, “every action which, whether in anticipation of the conjugal act, or in its accomplishment, or in the development of its natural consequences, proposes, whether as an end or as a means, to render procreation impossible” is intrinsically evil:159

Thus the innate language that expresses the total reciprocal self-giving of husband and wife is overlaid, through contraception, by an objectively contradictory language, namely, that of not giving oneself totally to the other. This leads not only to a positive refusal to be open to life but also to a falsification of the inner truth of conjugal love, which is called upon to give itself in personal totality. . . . The difference, both anthropological and moral, between contraception and recourse to the rhythm of the cycle . . . involves in the final analysis two irreconcilable concepts of the human person and of human sexuality.160

 

[KellyPalmer]

To the original OP → God bless you and keep fighting the good fight. Placing you in the enclosed garden of the most sacred heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary.

…and, my reply to …

The below is from the Catholic Catechism regarding contraception–>

Are you suggesting that children should learn about contraception solely from self-directed reading into the CCC and not at all from their own parents?!?

 

[Lorelei12]

I know that it must be very difficult to know that your parents are wrong and not be able to do anything about it, but that is just what you must do- nothing. You’ve already said your piece, and there is no further discussion necessary. Your parents’ intimate life is not something up for discussion- they need to defend themselves to God, not to you. Pray for them, and let it go.

 

[KellyPalmer]

ScrupulousMonk - I wish I had some good advice for you. What your parents are doing does violence to you. Is it possible that you may be able to speak privately with your Priest to help you through this? It’s true that it is unlikely you will change your parents mind through anything other than prayer. The only other thing I can think of is to encourage them to attend further catechesis at a parish but if the Church today believes the only guidance is to merely read a few lines in the CCC and that will be enough to combat living under the pressures of this world…there may not be any such catechesis available for your parents. Your parents probably read these lines in the CCC too but clearly that wasn’t enough. It isn’t for most people because we members of a body, not a pair of eyeballs made for books.

 

[crenfro]

Are you suggesting that children should learn about contraception solely from self-directed reading into the CCC and not at all from their own parents?!?

Hello.

Nope. I’m quoting from the Catholic catechism what the official teaching of the Catholic Church is regarding contraception.

 

[KellyPalmer]

Hello.

Nope. I’m quoting from the Catholic catechism what the official teaching of the Catholic Church is regarding contraception.

Why did you post that in response to my statement?

 

[agnes_therese]

. . . but if the Church today believes the only guidance is to merely read a few lines in the CCC and that will be enough to combat living under the pressures of this world…

I haven’t seen any such statement by the Church.

 

[jritenour]

I add this only in love and because someone had to say this to me many times: It is none of your business what your parents do/think. You have gone to them with your concerns. That is enough. God’s will be done. Let your parents and the Lord deal with that. I say this only to give you peace. I will pray for you.

 

[KellyPalmer]

I haven’t seen any such statement by the Church.

I haven’t either but am beginning to wonder based on the complete lack of teaching that I, my parents, all of many dozens of local family members and the majority of Catholic people I know IRL, received from the Church. When I inquire about this, I am usually told that my parents should have taught me. That sits fairly well with my internal logic but then I realize that my parents themselves didn’t know therefore were unable to teach me. Then I worry about how I am going to teach these things to my children. I know from examining the world around me, that it takes more than just reading a few lines in a book to form ones conscience. I fear that my children’s consciences are being formed more by the world since they are exposed to it’s messages regularly. How often do I expose them to the messages that go along with the Church’s teachings on contraception? It’s disheartening to read something here that suggests the answer to that is never – or as further posts would imply – on a very limited basis.

 

[1ke]

I haven’t either but am beginning to wonder based on the complete lack of teaching that I, my parents, all of many dozens of local family members and the majority of Catholic people I know IRL, received from the Church. When I inquire about this, I am usually told that my parents should have taught me. That sits fairly well with my internal logic but then I realize that my parents themselves didn’t know therefore were unable to teach me. Then I worry about how I am going to teach these things to my children. I know from examining the world around me, that it takes more than just reading a few lines in a book to form ones conscience. I fear that my children’s consciences are being formed more by the world since they are exposed to it’s messages regularly. How often do I expose them to the messages that go along with the Church’s teachings on contraception?

I can recommend the Church’s document The Truth And Meaning of Human Sexuality. I can recommend Mary Beth Bonacci’s website. I can recommend all the materials by Jason and Christalina Evert. I can recommend Greg Popcak’s book Beyond The Birds and The Bees.

It’s disheartening to read something here that suggests the answer to that is never – or as further posts would imply – on a very limited basis.

Kelly,

You are seeing what is not there in these posts. This was clearly not a birds and bees sit down by the parents. The OP already knows and can articulate the Church’s teaching on contraception. The issue is his getting into arguments with his parents regarding their cafeteria approach to moral teachings.

NO ONE is suggesting that parents disregard their duty to properly education and form their children in the faith including morality and sexuality topics.

 

[JRKH]

I may have missed something - but I didn’t really see where your parents were asking you to be a cafeteria Catholic. They did ask for your understanding…and certainly we can do that without sacrificing our own beliefs.

We can understand that another might be doing the best that they can…even though it is not perfect.
We can understand that our own struggles to embrace our faith and grow in holiness can sometimes cause us to become a bit less charitable than we ought to be towards others.
We can understand that there will be times when our struggles and their struggles just simply don’t mesh.

I’m don’t say the above in order to put you down - or to justify what you parents chose to do. I’m simply suggesting that - based on what you wrote - you may be reading something into it that is not there.

Two comments that you related from your dad caught my eye"First is…

1. They said that as long as you still have Faith in God and raise your children according to the faith, then God will forgive you for anything and everything that you needed to do as a parent and a spouse.
   You might consider asking your father how one raises their children in the faith when they are not following it themselves.
   What he proposes here is a “do as I say not as I do”, approach which is bound to pose problems…
   The other comment …
   2)That is why every time I see you refrain from Communion, I feel like I failed as a parent and all the things I have done were for naught.
   You might be able to comfort you dad by suggesting this.
   Since he asks for your understanding on how he and your mother have chosen to live - he should hopefully be willing to grant you that same understanding. If you refrain from communion it is not really a reflection on his parenting skills.

Just some thoughts

Peace
James

 

[KellyPalmer]

I can recommend the Church’s document The Truth And Meaning of Human Sexuality. I can recommend Mary Beth Bonacci’s website. I can recommend all the materials by Jason and Christalina Evert. I can recommend Greg Popcak’s book Beyond The Birds and The Bees.

Kelly,

You are seeing what is not there in these posts. This was clearly not a birds and bees sit down by the parents. The OP already knows and can articulate the Church’s teaching on contraception. The issue is his getting into arguments with his parents regarding their cafeteria approach to moral teachings.

NO ONE is suggesting that parents disregard their duty to properly education and form their children in the faith including morality and sexuality topics.

I don’t know if it was a birds and bees sit down or not. The OP didn’t state how the conversation got started…or who started it. Either way, I don’t see how that makes any significant distinction. Our children’s consciences are formed every day, this should be something that is discussed even outside the sit-down-birds-bees-convo. The OP’s own heart is now at odds with what his parents have taught him. I don’t see how this is inappropriate for him to have discussed with them. They have clearly exposed this harmful message to him, now he has questions. He did not pull their cafeteria approach out of thin air – they told him. Now he must try to reconcile this from the ones who are supposed to be shaping his conscience. I should hope that a conversation would be in order given these facts.