My partner's sexual past --- How do I find closure? ADVICE!?

[Liberanosamalo]

No human being is perfect.

You are having to adjust to the fact that your image of her was flawed. She has flaws. As another poster said, some of her behavior could be an indication of deeper issues. Yes. Booty calls, revenge sex and letting people use you are indications of immaturity, lack of a fully developed brain where teens, even late teens, cannot really see the logical consequences of impulsive behavior. How do you equate the image of who she was then with who she is now? The same way you would have to process who your child was at 2 with the person it ends up being at 22. We’re all works in progress. Sometimes there is no logical reason to sin. All logic would seem to defy why someone would alienate their Creator and bring physical or emotional ruin to themselves and those around.

Christ had it pinned perfectly when He hung on the cross and said “Father forgive them, they do not know what they are doing.”

Why did your girlfriend do it? She was a young woman who had not been raised maybe to assert herself overtly. So she got even by sleeping with her ex’s roommate. She lashed out to hurt someone who hurt and used her. She was a young woman who was very nice and some not very nice people took advantage of her. She was a young woman who grew up being told by everyone around her “if it feels good, do it. This is how you get love.”

She did not know at the time that someday a potential fiancee would make her recount all the details and all the names and places and dates and then argue with her, cry at her, rail at her and insult her about it. The teenage brain doesn’t think that way. That’s why a bunch of them are busy right now sending naked pictures of themselves on their cellphones. They have no ability to see the big picture. Theyr’e STUPID.

If stupidity were more painful at the time, people would learn faster.

How do you get past it? You think of how Christ sees her… not her past sins, but the person she has grown into. You accept that someday YOU might have stupid teenagers who behave that way. And you may not make enough money to send your kids to private school.

Plus, dude, she’s a woman. She doesn’t analyze everything she does before she does it. She acted on emotion… the promise of love, maybe a love she didn’t get from her parents, the hope of acceptance, the desire to be considered attractive or feel close to someone. The anger of betrayal, the anger of abandonment…

She’s a female and much of that behavior occurred when she was a teenage female. So that emotion you can’t deal with was in full force with little to check it. As anyone with a teenage daughter can tell you. If you can’t handle emotions, I’d suggest you take a communications class. Everything she did had a reason to her at the time. If only the reason was she acted on emotion without thinking about how this would affect her 10 years from now.

Can you accept the imperfect in life? Can you forget? Well, now that you have forced her to put all these images in your head, and she was honest (or stupid enough) to give you the information, you have a choice. Either choose to look on her as she is now and ignore the past, or let her go if you can’t. But remember… her past is what made her who she is today. Maybe all those guys were what brought her to appreciate the Truth of the Catholic church, where she could find her dignity and redemption and peace as a child of God.

Stop thinking about the past. Make new memories of the future. Because to be honest, YOU are now part of her sinful past too. Accept that in humility and use it as a starting point for a future together. And understand women operate on emotion a lot. Her reasons may not be good enough for YOU to understand, but they’re her reasons.

And by the way, lots of kids in Catholic schools fornicate, get drunk and break laws too.

 

[Havard]

NAIL ON THE HEAD. I’m a perfectionist. I’m an analyst. To me, everything has a reason. I like concrete things. I want to get past these emotions. I do forgive her, now I need to forget. But then, what’s that? Oh, I just thought of when she did X with Y, what could she have been thinking? This makes no sense to me!

I am disappointed in and sorry for all the posters on this thread for jumping on you without seeking to understand where you’re coming from.

Yes, you said you were ashamed of her. Of course that’s hypocritical given your sins, but I bet you already knew that. I give you credit for admitting the truth though.

As you stated, if she was the ‘old her’ right now, the one who had casual sex to the point of using it to ‘get back’ at a person, you wouldn’t be with her. Fair enough. Again, it’s good you’re honest. She’s not that person though, and you get that. But the question that’s still bothering you is how she was ever that person. There’s nothing wrong with trying to understand that. So keep talking with her, and pray for understanding.

 

[PatriceA]

I’ll pretend this isn’t a troll doing flame-bait. I sometimes wonder about these kind of posts.

But in case anyone out there legitimately is in your shoes I’ll keep it sweet.

You’re just mad and disappointed because you weren’t the FIRST cad who got to this sweet directionless partially neglected girl who grew up marinated in a lack of societal values with parents who didn’t teach her right from wrong.

If you had been the first, you would have taken her virginity and that would have been it.

But because she was used by some other guys, some of whom she thought she loved, and some whom she used, or who used her (against her will even), YOU have an issue.

Since you are so distraught about her past, and can’t handle her sins and knowing all about her love her unconditionally like a wife deserves, let her go. Someone else will love this woman who has found her own way to the truth.

Now that you have bullied her and pulled the truth out from her and made her regret trusting you with the story of her life before she ever knew you were alive, go away. Stop throwing her shame in her face. Let her recollect some of her dignity. Maybe you will make her abandon Catholicism as a bunch of hypocrites who have premarital sex but condemn others, or maybe she will keep it and someday raise a daughter not to make the mistakes she made.

But a girl this nice and trusting deserves a better guy than you. Had I been her friend I’d have told her never to tell a guy anything she doesn’t want thrown in her face in the future in a drunken angry rage.

I’d ask you, what are YOU really grieving? Her sin? Or the blow to YOUR ego that you have “used goods” and she is unworthy of you now? I don’t see her ranting about the girl who came before her?

She deserves someone who can love her for the person she is now, not hate her for the misguided teen she was then.

And I"m glad you stopped having sex with her yourself. Maybe the next guy won’t be so angry with her at the idea of what YOU did to her even though you admit for a long time you had no intention of marrying her.

If it’s too hard for you to forgive, never get married. You’ll never make it. People are human and make mistakes.

WHY DID SHE DO IT? Because she was young and stupid and trusted people like YOU.

By the way, get a grip on that drinking. You sound like a mean drunk.

Oh…and not every family had the money for private schools. Those of us who sent our kids to “dirty public schools” can’t help it. Sounds like your private school didn’t teach much about compassion.

Let her go. She can do better than you.

Now that you’ve humiliated her, do her a favor and stop calling her. It will help her heal from you quicker. You’re just one more guy she needs to heal from.

Excellent post. She totally trusted you. If I was her, after the reaction you’ve had to everything she has told you, I’d have a hard time looking at you the same way or trusting you to know all the most private parts of me that should be shared between a wife and a husband. Thank God I married the man I did that accepted every single part of me and my past, the good and the ugly.

 

[Rascalking]

Excellent post. She totally trusted you. If I was her, after the reaction you’ve had to everything she has told you, I’d have a hard time looking at you the same way or trusting you to know all the most private parts of me that should be shared between a wife and a husband. Thank God I married the man I did that accepted every single part of me and my past, the good and the ugly.

Again, too harsh. He was good enough to bare his soul, he’s said what he has to say, and he is learning.

Knock it off! Let’s not judge him. Forgiveness is key here.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

Domer: You need to ask yourself a very simple question: If that girl gets up, leaves and you never see her again, how are you going to feel? Forget about the past, what she did, what you did, etc. Focus on that one thing: She’s gone. Can you handle that? Choosing your spouse shouldn’t be, “I want to live the rest of my life with this person,” It should be, “Do I want to live with rest of my life without this person?” There is a difference.

I am by no means trying to rub salt on any wounds, but as a woman myself, I have to be straight with you: After the dust settles on all of this, she may decide you aren’t the guy for her. Her past hasn’t been pretty, but your actions more recently are very concerning. I say this in all kindness, but what woman wants to be with a guy who insults her after he’s been drinking? Not many. Again, I know you are seeking the truth and what is best for both of you, but please don’t limit concerns for your future to things that have happened in the past. You must also consider how you both are with each other now. I’m praying for you.

 

[audart]

Wow domer, I could have written a very similar story to this over 25 years ago! I too had a girlfriend with a sexual past, although hers also included rape and an abortion as well. Something I, like you, being a strong Catholic thought I would NEVER get over.

Well, I am happy to report that I have been married to this “girlfriend” for over 21 years now and I love her now more than I ever have in my life.

I think the first thing you need to do is throw out the notion of “closure”. To me that is a bogus term. Is there ever really a closing in your mind where you will never think about it again? I hate to tell you, but the answer is no. You will be reminded and sometimes out of nowhere there may be circumstances or events that trigger you and you may think about it. You have to deal with it! …and do NOT over analyze it. I too am a very analytical person and a perfectionist. I know how tough that can be, but you need to change that thinking in order to make it work.

With me I’ve found the best thing to do is communicate your feelings with your partner, good and bad, especially during those times of difficulty. If she truly loves you she will understand and do her best to help you through it. Forgiveness perhaps is another BIG hurdle. I think it all really comes back to that. You need to forgive her for all she has done and leave the rest up to God. Finally, prayer for patience and understanding is also key. Pray every day with her and personally for patience and understanding between both people.

Keep in mind that this process will take time. It is healing and that takes time. Trust in God, he knows what he’s doing.

I sincerely wish you all the best in your relationship and may God bless you both.

PS - My girlfriend (now wife) went through RCIA about 8 years ago and is a shining example of a model Catholic woman.

 

[PatriceA]

Again, too harsh. He was good enough to bare his soul, he’s said what he has to say, and he is learning.

Knock it off! Let’s not judge him. Forgiveness is key here.

And he should follow your advice. He is the one that is judging way too harshly. He needs to realize he is treating her very unfairly. If you’re going to support him in his baring his soul, you should do the same for his girlfriend because she bared much more than he did.

 

[flyingfish]

Excellent post. She totally trusted you. If I was her, after the reaction you’ve had to everything she has told you, I’d have a hard time looking at you the same way or trusting you to know all the most private parts of me that should be shared between a wife and a husband. Thank God I married the man I did that accepted every single part of me and my past, the good and the ugly.

I agree completely. That’s not to say he can’t recover form it, when my ex did that to me, he later managed to convince me that he regretted ever bringing it up and accepted me despite my past. Or so I think anyway, memory is a bit vague on how I felt about that. But it affected me enough to the point where I’d think twice about dating a virgin. It’s not something I ever want to go through again.

 

[Julian0404]

You asked for it, and you go it - can’t put it back in the bottle once it’s out - and it’s not the nice little virgin cinderalla story you = “man of the world” = was hoping for.

"Now let him who is without sin, cast the first stone’ - paraphrase Jesus words to the crowd who came to stone a woman for adultery.

If her past upsets you, then you have just learned what it is like when other guys learn about “you” with the women of their desire, of which you may have been their #7, or 8 or 9.

Here is a clue - she is confused about relationships with men. She is to giving and needy. She probably has a poor relationship with her father, and you are about to contribute to her confusion on “men” in general.

Go back to the part of your story, “…not a mean bone in her body…” keep that focus, be happy she can still be attracted to you after your many affairs, and help her heal her image of men - and now her image of you, through faith in Jesus and Mary and prayer together - say the rosary together and ask for “mutual healing”.

Or be selfish, keep sleeping around while your looking for your pefect cinderalla who is just saving herself for you.

 

[domer]

Excellent post. She totally trusted you. If I was her, after the reaction you’ve had to everything she has told you, I’d have a hard time looking at you the same way or trusting you to know all the most private parts of me that should be shared between a wife and a husband. Thank God I married the man I did that accepted every single part of me and my past, the good and the ugly.

Hmmm… I thought I made it clear that I wanted to get “past the good and the ugly” as you call it.

Have you ever heard something terrible? Something mean? Something hurtful? And you flip out? I didn’t scream at her when she told me what happened. I was first in shock (mostly of the rape), then that turned to depression. Then bargaining (where I thought I made peace). Then anger last of all. It was anger the entire time - it was last night, and today, where I just got MAD.

When you were a child and your parent catches you doing something bad. Or you confess to something you’re not proud of. How does the parent react? If it’s something that means a lot (like if you hurt a human being) I’m sure mom or dad would go through those same emotions. Mom and Dad would ask for the details. Yes, I KNOW I’m not her parent. But I am her partner (for the time being) and much of that love and trust is similar to a parent and child. Both sides have certain expectations they want from the other (parent from child, partner from partner).

I heard something I didn’t like / didn’t want to hear. I went through the same thing my parents did when I got caught with marijuana/alcohol! “WHY DID YOU DO THAT? YOU KNOW BETTER! Where did you get the marijuana from? Who rolled the joint? Don’t you realize you could have gotten killed!”

 

[Rascalking]

I stand by what I said, but I actually think I was too harsh. We’ve all made it clear that we disagree with his actions.

We pretty much agree here, but let’s give him a better view of us, as hating the sin, and loving the sinner.

I admit I was too harsh-I should have phrased what I said differently. Let’s not jump on a beaten man right here.

 

[Peggy_in_Burien]

I’ll pretend this isn’t a troll doing flame-bait. I sometimes wonder about these kind of posts.

But in case anyone out there legitimately is in your shoes I’ll keep it sweet.

You’re just mad and disappointed because you weren’t the FIRST cad who got to this sweet directionless partially neglected girl who grew up marinated in a lack of societal values with parents who didn’t teach her right from wrong.

If you had been the first, you would have taken her virginity and that would have been it.

But because she was used by some other guys, some of whom she thought she loved, and some whom she used, or who used her (against her will even), YOU have an issue.

Since you are so distraught about her past, and can’t handle her sins and knowing all about her love her unconditionally like a wife deserves, let her go. Someone else will love this woman who has found her own way to the truth.

Now that you have bullied her and pulled the truth out from her and made her regret trusting you with the story of her life before she ever knew you were alive, go away. Stop throwing her shame in her face. Let her recollect some of her dignity. Maybe you will make her abandon Catholicism as a bunch of hypocrites who have premarital sex but condemn others, or maybe she will keep it and someday raise a daughter not to make the mistakes she made.

But a girl this nice and trusting deserves a better guy than you. Had I been her friend I’d have told her never to tell a guy anything she doesn’t want thrown in her face in the future in a drunken angry rage.

I’d ask you, what are YOU really grieving? Her sin? Or the blow to YOUR ego that you have “used goods” and she is unworthy of you now? I don’t see her ranting about the girl who came before her?

She deserves someone who can love her for the person she is now, not hate her for the misguided teen she was then.

And I"m glad you stopped having sex with her yourself. Maybe the next guy won’t be so angry with her at the idea of what YOU did to her even though you admit for a long time you had no intention of marrying her.

If it’s too hard for you to forgive, never get married. You’ll never make it. People are human and make mistakes.

WHY DID SHE DO IT? Because she was young and stupid and trusted people like YOU.

By the way, get a grip on that drinking. You sound like a mean drunk.

Oh…and not every family had the money for private schools. Those of us who sent our kids to “dirty public schools” can’t help it. Sounds like your private school didn’t teach much about compassion.

Let her go. She can do better than you.

Now that you’ve humiliated her, do her a favor and stop calling her. It will help her heal from you quicker. You’re just one more guy she needs to heal from.

Well said, as always, Liberanosamalo. I agree heartily.

 

[Havard]

I do not, and I hope you don’t take the mean-spirited comments to heart, Domer.

I believe that you want to do the right thing. Focus on that.

 

[domer]

To those who said I am too hard on her, or she can do better than me. Or those who simply think I am a total jerk.

You know what, I am flawed. I admit that. But how do you expect me to react? I didn’t scream at her when she told me. I sat there with a dull stare. Yes, it took the booze in me to finally bring it up, and that wasn’t right. I wasn’t being a man. But it got the ball rolling (finally) after my cowardice and burying my head in the sand. I went through denial, depression, bargaining before I got to any sort of anger. I heard something I didn’t like, I asked “WHY?” I wanted an answer to make it all better. I didn’t like the vision of my idealized, potential wife, doing things I don’t approve of. Is this judgmental? I suppose so. Maybe you’re just better Catholics than me, which I’m more than willing to admit. I’m not the best person in the world, but I’m trying. It is a shocking thing to hear a revelation you could never imagine. It’d be very shocking if your mom said she was married to another man before your father (this is not an evil thing, I’m just using it as an example). When she told me this I was stunned. I had questions. I have pain.

I realize it’s her past and she’s not that person anymore. I get that and I understand her sins (I have my own). I want to know how we go from here. She deserves the best, and to many of you, that means getting rid of me. That may be the case, but I’m certainly going to try what I can, through the Lord, to get through this with her, and have a beautiful future together. I think it’s possible. I’m juts going through pain. This is not a choice. If I could turn it off I would. But fact is, it is there.

If you think she owes me nothing, no past history, I disagree with you and I’d leave my girlfriend if she refused to talk about this. We have a very open relationship and I think communication is the best policy. Communicate with each other and with the Lord.

 

[Rascalking]

Let’s treat him the way everyone here wants to treat his girl-with the love and respect they BOTH deserve.

If I started any of this, I apologize again to you in public.

Buck up if you need bucking up, and don’t listen to alot of these posters.

 

[kage_ar]

Simply put, if you really like her, ignore it and get over it. I’d date a former stripper if she was someone who had changed and moved on. I’ve dated women who were virgins, and I’ve dated women who’ve had-troubled-sexual pasts. There but for the grace go I, and the same should be said for you.

It’s easy to get hung up on this-we’re guys, we are hung up on sexual issues with our girlfriends. However, it’s doesn’t matter what she did-it matters what she does.

So knock off the neurosis, be good to her, stop the drama, and if she the one for you, she’s the one for you.

Never, ever feel self-righteous or holier than thou

If you stay stuck up on these issues, you might miss a great chance with a great girl. You will regret that for life. I assure you.

This may not be the advice you wanted. Sorry if it isn’t.

Yep.

In the first place, you should have never badgered her into telling you her past.

Her sins belong at the foot of the Cross, left there in the confessional.

Your future spouse has a right to know if you are a virgin or not, if you have any STDS, if you have any children and that is IT. Never ask for the details, not one bit of good ever comes from hearing the details of someone else’s sins.

Forgive her, tell her you are sorry for being a jerk and try to make it up to her.

 

[Havard]

Let her know that you want to trust her completely again, and that understanding why she did what she did will allow you to do that. That’s what you need to be working on.

 

[flyingfish]

To those who said I am too hard on her, or she can do better than me. Or those who simply think I am a total jerk.

You know what, I am flawed. I admit that. But how do you expect me to react? I didn’t scream at her when she told me. I sat there with a dull stare. Yes, it took the booze in me to finally bring it up, and that wasn’t right. I wasn’t being a man. But it got the ball rolling (finally) after my cowardice and burying my head in the sand. I went through denial, depression, bargaining before I got to any sort of anger. I heard something I didn’t like, I asked “WHY?” I wanted an answer to make it all better. I didn’t like the vision of my idealized, potential wife, doing things I don’t approve of. Is this judgmental? I suppose so. Maybe you’re just better Catholics than me, which I’m more than willing to admit. I’m not the best person in the world, but I’m trying. It is a shocking thing to hear a revelation you could never imagine. It’d be very shocking if your mom said she was married to another man before your father (this is not an evil thing, I’m just using it as an example). When she told me this I was stunned. I had questions. I have pain.

I realize it’s her past and she’s not that person anymore. I get that and I understand her sins (I have my own). I want to know how we go from here. She deserves the best, and to many of you, that means getting rid of me. That may be the case, but I’m certainly going to try what I can, through the Lord, to get through this with her, and have a beautiful future together. I think it’s possible. I’m juts going through pain. This is not a choice. If I could turn it off I would. But fact is, it is there.

If you think she owes me nothing, no past history, I disagree with you and I’d leave my girlfriend if she refused to talk about this. We have a very open relationship and I think communication is the best policy. Communicate with each other and with the Lord.

The main point here is where do you go from here. You are reacting to something she did before she was with you, but you are doing things to her now after you’re together. If I were you I would just be careful about where you take this. It is certainly possible for you to destroy her sense of safety with you and trust in you.

You have to decide if you want to be with this woman or not. She can’t change her past. You have no choice but to accept her as she is, or leave her. She has the same choice of whether she wants to be with a man who reacts this way or not.

If I were you, I’d step away from this situation for a few weeks and see how you feel then. Things you say to her now, in your moment of anger/drunkenness/jealousy can have permanent and possibly fatal consequences for your relationship. Your best bet in working this out is not in asking her the details about her sexual conduct (I am guessing that you’re like my ex and really asked the kind of sex acts she did with the guys?), but with a counselor.

 

[Rascalking]

Yep.

In the first place, you should have never badgered her into telling you her past.

Her sins belong at the foot of the Cross, left there in the confessional.

Your future spouse has a right to know if you are a virgin or not, if you have any STDS, if you have any children and that is IT. Never ask for the details, not one bit of good ever comes from hearing the details of someone else’s sins.

Forgive her, tell her you are sorry for being a jerk and try to make it up to her.

Good advice for all of us Kage.

 

[Irish_Girl_68]

…You know what, I am flawed. I admit that. But how do you expect me to react? I didn’t scream at her when she told me. I sat there with a dull stare. Yes, it took the booze in me to finally bring it up, and that wasn’t right. I wasn’t being a man. But it got the ball rolling (finally) after my cowardice and burying my head in the sand…

…If you think she owes me nothing, no past history, I disagree with you and I’d leave my girlfriend if she refused to talk about this. We have a very open relationship and I think communication is the best policy. Communicate with each other and with the Lord.

Domer: Referring to your quotes above, you said in one part that “communication is the best policy” but admit it took “booze in me” to bring it up. If it takes alcohol to help you approach difficult or painful subjects, that is highly concerning. I realize this is difficult for you, but marriage is very, very difficult at times. It is painful at times. There will be conversations you will have with a spouse that you won’t want to have.You can’t use alcohol as a way to approach those subjects. I’m not saying you do or you would, but it’s something you need to seriously think about.

Beyond that, I still maintain she owes you nothing about her past history. I’d say the exact same thing if she were in your shoes. The past is the past. You can’t change her mistakes and she can’t change yours, so there’s no sense in dwelling on them. But, I do agree with a previous poster who said by focusing on something you can’t change, you could lose a wonderful woman. That could haunt you far longer than her past transgressions.