My past....

[joshkt79]

I apologize in advance for the long rant.

First off, I’m not sure where to post this, so I just decided to go here. I am a 31 year old man, married for 6 years and have a one year old daughter. My life and my family is great at this point. I grew up in a very strict household. I have 4 brothers and 3 sisters. Yes, 8kids. My father wanted more but my mother had complications during her last birth. I am the 6th child.

As long as I can remember, my father made us go to church every day. Not one of us questioned it because my father was a large, intimidating man. I knew it wasn’t common because all of my friends would only go once a week. My life kinda looked like this:

During school:

Wake up at 6am
Eat breakfast
Feed animals (we had a small farm)
Change for school
Go to school
Return from school at 3pm
Do homework, chores, etc
Church from 6-7
Return from church
Bathtime
Bedtime

During the summer it was pretty much the same except school. Instead of school we did outside work. During catechism on Wednesdays, we would not have to attend mass because of time constraints. The only time someone was exempt from mass was from a extreme sickness. I remember my younger sister running high fever and my dad having a fit because she couldnt attend. My mother stayed home with her and my dad turned the TV to the Catholic Church channel, or whatever it’s called, and told her to watch it until we got back. One of my older brothers was in the hospital for an appendicitis and my dad instructed the nurse to not let him watch anything but the Religion channel. My brother later said that the nurse agreed with my father, but when he left she changed the channel for him.

I don’t recall ever really having much of a childhood. I could never go to sleep over at a friends house because my father was afraid that I would not attend daily mass. The ONLY place I could go stay, was at my grandfather’s (dad’s father) house during the summer because my dad knew my grandfather would abide by my father’s rules. In reality, my grandfather attended church every day, but only because he wanted to. He was perfectly fine with me going to church on Sunday and thought my father was out of line, but couldn’t tell him anything because we were not his kids. I loved going to my grandparent’s because it was the only time I actually felt like a kid. Even though it was only one week out of every summer.

My father even sold the house we lived in and moved right next door to a church because it would be easier for us to attend daily mass. I talked to our priest about it and he also found it odd that we attended every day and wanted to talk to my father about it. I asked him not to, and he agreed but informed me that he would bring it up the matter at the next mass in his sermon. He also said that eventually my father would possibly get tired of going every day and it would fade away, but it never did. The priest mentioned in the sermon that going to church once a week was perfectly fine in God’s eyes, but my dad didn’t budge on his views.

It feels like I was sheltered from the outside world. We could not watch regular tv shows or listen to music besides gospel. You would think I would hate religion because of all this, but I dont. Once I graduated high school, joined the military and moved away. I still attended mass, but only once a week. I talked to my father and he gets upset that I’m not going everyday like I “should”. I told him that I am a grown man and I can make my own decisions. He even brought up the fact that I’ve been married for 6 years and have only 1 child. To him, I should have 6.

I don’t hate my father. Hate is a strong word. Do I get along with him? No, I don’t. I moved away from him and see him only on Christmas. My mother is still with him after all this. She never took up for us because she was afraid of him too.

Weird thing was, my father never once hit us besides the occasional whipping we would get when we’d back talk. He never denied us food, shelter, etc. He worked extremely hard to get us what we needed. He rarely argued with my mother and never hit her as well.

Do you guys think that my father was some sort of an abuser? I’m not sure because if I would have called the cops and told them my father was making us attend church everyday, they would laugh at me and tell me they had bigger problems to deal with.

Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciated.Thanks for reading

 

[1ke]

No, I don’t think going to daily mass is abuse.
No, I don’t think restricting television is abuse.

I do think your father appears to have a rather rigid personality, which likely prepared you well for life in the military.

Daily Mass is not required, but it is there for our spiritual edification and it is a privilege we should take advantage of whenever we can.

 

[joanofarc2008]

I don’t think he was abusive but I think denying you a childhood probably did leave some marks but no parent is perfect. We forgive and move on. As far as the only having one child just explain to your father that you are in the military and you have to be home in order to procreate and there is a war on. When he stops blushing and guffawing he should get over it. His issue is probably that he thinks you are using ABC - way lay his concerns, tell him you love him.

 

[Barbkw]

Do you guys think that my father was some sort of an abuser?

No.

What type of childhood would you have preferred? Something less responsible, less family oriented and less attentive to God?

With 8 kids in a family, living on a farm, you need to be more honest about the good experiences of your childhood.

 

[Madeline616]

Hi Josh,

I’m sorry for the emotional pain you’re experiencing over these childhood memories.

I don’t think your father was anything close to an abuser. He sounds like a man with a tendency toward rigidity, who was doing his best to serve the Lord, and to be a father and husband in the best way he knew how.

I’m in your age range. Our fathers are probably about the same age, maybe your dad is in his 60’s. Many men of that generation weren’t taught what a good father is based on today’s standard of touchy-feely, demonstrative, and often doting fathers. They did their best with the examples their own fathers set, and many good fathers of that generation believed that their main role was to provide for the physical and spiritual needs of their family (which it is). In your father’s case, he took his role as the spiritual head of the family seriously. If he overdid it in some instances, try to understand that he (and all of us) are victims of our own character flaws (in his case, rigidity) and the best we can offer our loved ones is to do the best we can.

When I think of the things my father didn’t do for or with me, or the ways in which I felt he left me needing more, I try to remember that he is a flawed human being who simply did his best to provide for his family, which can be a tremendous burden, especially with so many children.

It also helps to put things into perspective. Our fathers, flawed as they were, didn’t spend their evenings after work tying one on at the local bar, didn’t physically, sexually, or emotionally assault or abuse their families, weren’t lazy or irresponsible men who ignored the needs of their families.

For the record, I think daily Mass is a wonderful thing, and we’re blessed to live in a country where we can freely practice our faith–and a country where daily mass is actually available to us.

That said, your father may very well be living in a prison of his own rigidity, which he can’t change. Try to empathize with him, rather than speculating as to whether his behavior was some kind of abuse. IMHO, empathy and understanding for your father will lead to the healing of your own wounds–I’ve been there myself, and this is what I have found.

God Bless!!

 

[trinichiqn]

I attend Daily Mass but I think your father “making” you go with no (I can’t really think of the word I should use but I’ll say love) behind it is kind of harsh.

I grew up with a bedtime that was right after the news until my mid to late teens so I have no useful comment about the no tv issue although we were allowed to watch just not much. As I kid I also thought it was abuse but now I only watch t.v in the evenings (sometimes) and at night even when I am home all day.

 

[puzzleannie]

I Weird thing was, my father never once hit us besides the occasional whipping we would get when we’d back talk. He never denied us food, shelter, etc. He worked extremely hard to get us what we needed. He rarely argued with my mother and never hit her as well.

Do you guys think that my father was some sort of an abuser? I’m not sure because if I would have called the cops and told them my father was making us attend church everyday, they would laugh at me and tell me they had bigger problems to deal with.

Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciated.Thanks for reading

you don’t define “occassional” or “whipping” so I can’t say but nothing you say about your daily schedule including Mass attendance indicates abuse. It does indicate he might have had some hang-ups due to poor instruction about the requirements for Mass attendance. Unless there is more to the story (which I strongly suspect) no, what you have related so far does not indicate a pattern of abuse, unless the “occassional whippings for talking back” were above and beyond the normal accepted application of corporal punishment at that time and place. Restricting you from normal activities for children your age might be abuse, but you do not indicate it was done in an abusive manner, but in a protective manner. I await with interest the development of this thread and we hear, as Paul Harvey says, the rest of the story.

 

[karow]

I apologize in advance for the long rant.

First off, I’m not sure where to post this, so I just decided to go here. I am a 31 year old man, married for 6 years and have a one year old daughter. My life and my family is great at this point. I grew up in a very strict household. I have 4 brothers and 3 sisters. Yes, 8kids. My father wanted more but my mother had complications during her last birth. I am the 6th child.

As long as I can remember, my father made us go to church every day. Not one of us questioned it because my father was a large, intimidating man. I knew it wasn’t common because all of my friends would only go once a week. My life kinda looked like this:

During school:

Wake up at 6am
Eat breakfast
Feed animals (we had a small farm)
Change for school
Go to school
Return from school at 3pm
Do homework, chores, etc
Church from 6-7
Return from church
Bathtime
Bedtime

During the summer it was pretty much the same except school. Instead of school we did outside work. During catechism on Wednesdays, we would not have to attend mass because of time constraints. The only time someone was exempt from mass was from a extreme sickness. I remember my younger sister running high fever and my dad having a fit because she couldnt attend. My mother stayed home with her and my dad turned the TV to the Catholic Church channel, or whatever it’s called, and told her to watch it until we got back. One of my older brothers was in the hospital for an appendicitis and my dad instructed the nurse to not let him watch anything but the Religion channel. My brother later said that the nurse agreed with my father, but when he left she changed the channel for him.

I don’t recall ever really having much of a childhood. I could never go to sleep over at a friends house because my father was afraid that I would not attend daily mass. The ONLY place I could go stay, was at my grandfather’s (dad’s father) house during the summer because my dad knew my grandfather would abide by my father’s rules. In reality, my grandfather attended church every day, but only because he wanted to. He was perfectly fine with me going to church on Sunday and thought my father was out of line, but couldn’t tell him anything because we were not his kids. I loved going to my grandparent’s because it was the only time I actually felt like a kid. Even though it was only one week out of every summer.

My father even sold the house we lived in and moved right next door to a church because it would be easier for us to attend daily mass. I talked to our priest about it and he also found it odd that we attended every day and wanted to talk to my father about it. I asked him not to, and he agreed but informed me that he would bring it up the matter at the next mass in his sermon. He also said that eventually my father would possibly get tired of going every day and it would fade away, but it never did. The priest mentioned in the sermon that going to church once a week was perfectly fine in God’s eyes, but my dad didn’t budge on his views.

It feels like I was sheltered from the outside world. We could not watch regular tv shows or listen to music besides gospel. You would think I would hate religion because of all this, but I dont. Once I graduated high school, joined the military and moved away. I still attended mass, but only once a week. I talked to my father and he gets upset that I’m not going everyday like I “should”. I told him that I am a grown man and I can make my own decisions. He even brought up the fact that I’ve been married for 6 years and have only 1 child. To him, I should have 6.

I don’t hate my father. Hate is a strong word. Do I get along with him? No, I don’t. I moved away from him and see him only on Christmas. My mother is still with him after all this. She never took up for us because she was afraid of him too.

Weird thing was, my father never once hit us besides the occasional whipping we would get when we’d back talk. He never denied us food, shelter, etc. He worked extremely hard to get us what we needed. He rarely argued with my mother and never hit her as well.

Do you guys think that my father was some sort of an abuser? I’m not sure because if I would have called the cops and told them my father was making us attend church everyday, they would laugh at me and tell me they had bigger problems to deal with.

Any (name removed by moderator)ut would be appreciated.Thanks for reading

Not all of the lessons we learn from our parents are positive ones. It sounds like your father was an extremely rigid, controlling man. Focus on not repeating behavior this with your child(ren), and if you feel it’s necessary, get counseling/therapy to help you avoid his negative behavior patterns.

How big or small your family is, the number of children you and your wife have, is not his business. The next time he tells you that you need to have more children, thank him politely for his opinion and change the topic.

And no, calling the police about daily mass attendance wouldn’t have gotten you anywhere.

 

[Et_Cetera]

It sounds to me like your dad has a textbook case of being a control freak. I would say that you experienced emotional abuse under your dad’s very strict watchful eye. The fact that you feel like you were robbed of a childhood is very saddening. Try to enjoy yourself now as much as possible (without hurting others or yourself of course). Go to the movies, go to the beach, listen to your favorite music while cruising down the highway. Live. And be more lenient with your own daughter because you don’t want her to end up feeling afraid of you. I’m sorry for what you experienced. Don’t feel guilty for being upset with your father or feeling like you were abused. You have every right to be upset. Children should be allowed to have some fun. Please don’t shelter your own daughter from the world. She will be in the real world soon enough; it’s best to prepare her for it, rather than to have her be shocked when she gets to college.

 

[utdetorres]

Hello Josh, I can empathize with you when it comes to father and son relationships. I don’t want to minimize what you feel about your father because I know that many memories will haunt you for years. What I would like to suggest is that you visit your dad and have that “man to man” talk that a son needs to have with his father. Tell him how you felt growing up and ask him to explain why he felt it necessary to be so rigid in his rules. If he is willing to talk to you, I’ll bet it will do you both a world of good. It may lead to a closeness with your father that you never thought possible. If I were a betting man I would wager that there is something in your father’s past that would explain his insistence that his family attend Mass daily.

My father was an abuser. I grew up loving and hating the man. I didn’t understand until I was an adult the (suspected) reasons for my dad’s actions. My father used to make me kneel in front of him, with my hands behind my back (for hours) and tell me not to move a muscle. Of course this was an impossible thing to do for a kid (he did this from my earliest childhood memories until I was 18). When I moved, he would strike me on my back or legs with an electrical cord or his metal tipped Air Force belt. We never discussed this with anyone outside our immediate family because of the shame, guilt and shadow of fear that my family lived under. Now that he is an old man, he is the kindest and most gentle person I’ve ever known. I guess age does change people.

I never understood why he did this until I brought it up with my dad’s oldest brother about 25 years ago. My dad was a young boy in Guam when the Japanese occupied the island during WWII. The Japanese used to torture the people of Guam using this same tactic and it had a grave impact on my father. My dad has wounds from being beaten, stabbed with bayonets, etc… He had on heck of a childhood.

Though his treatment of me, my mother and siblings is unforgiveable, I have finally come to terms with his abuse and I do forgive him. My three sisters and I have tried to discuss our childhood with him and to this day he denies that he did these types of things and doesn’t like to talk about his childhood. I love my father and pray for him every day. It hasn’t always been easy being his son but as he will soon be 80 years old I cherish every moment I have with him. We live 600 miles apart but I make it a point to see him as often as possible.

Be prepared to be disappointed when you try to talk to your father but who knows, he may open up to you. Please don’t ever stop trying. You will feel much better, I promise. God Bless you Josh. You will be in our prayers.

 

[honestquestions]

Yes, this is called religious indoctrination. They want their kids to believe because otherwise god thinks they deserve eternal hell. Atheists like myself have a problem with this, but it’s not why I don’t believe. I don’t believe due to realizing I believed something based on a lack of evidence.

 

[Suspicious_Mind]

I’d say he was eccentric, but it takes all sorts to complete a world. From what you say it seems like you had a pretty normal childhood (on the stricter side of the scale) besides the daily mass thing. Then again, it’s not exactly bad, weird maybe, but not bad.

I can understand though that it could be rather draining going to mass everyday, and I don’t think I could ever do it.

Conflicting opinions with parents, what can one do? If you can’t avoid it, then best to stay away but keeping in some form of contact with them regularly and not hating them. I think you’re doing well, but you already know that.

My parents never let me sleep over at friend’s places either when growing up, I don’t think I ever had a sleep over at a friend’s place until I was about 16. I wasn’t allowed to hang around with most of my friends outside school either, only a select few my parents knew personally. I was annoyed of course, but I don’t think it really had a massive difference now that I think about it.

We all have different childhoods, but can we complain if our parents provided for us and did everything to the best they knew they could do for us? There are far less fortunate children out there, far less.

 

[Neil_Anthony]

Do you guys think that my father was some sort of an abuser? I’m not sure because if I would have called the cops and told them my father was making us attend church everyday, they would laugh at me and tell me they had bigger problems to deal with.

I think its very sad that your Father’s beautiful devotion to daily mass may have left you with a permanent dislike of daily mass. He definitely overdid it. Daily mass should be a devotion that springs from deep love of God that makes one desire to be with him at mass every day.

Your father probably made a big mistake. There might not be much use in trying to label it as “abuse” or “not abuse”. The fact is his actions affected you negatively, and you need to learn to forgive him for it.

You might some day realize some benefits you got from daily mass. But I think you should work on forgiveness first.