My pet peeve: divorced (not annulled)on Catholic dating sites

[TeachCatechism]

I mentioned this is in another thread but I failed at online dating. I am kind of angry this happen but has to do with an underlying problem, which is the amount of divorced people on Catholic sites. I realize divorce happens and all of that but one of the tenets of being Catholic is of course marrying at a Catholic church but this isn’t allowed if one isn’t annulled. The site even had a section where it asks if a person is going through an annulment and most said no. Makes me wonder why someone like this would even be on a Catholic dating site if they can’t marry in a Catholic church. Many of these people would get mad when people rejected them.

 

[MaryAlex]

My father was a widower when he met his new wife on a Catholic dating site. She was 14 years divorced and had not yet sought an annulment, yet she is otherwise a very devout Catholic (more so than my father, I believe). After dating for a few months, my father encouraged her to pursue the annulment, and one week after it was granted, he proposed.

My point is that seeking an immediate annulment is not indicative of a person’s faith. There are many reasons people do not immediately pursue it. Do not let that be a barrier to looking for someone who is strong and whole in her faith.

 

[Allegra]

I can see how that would be irritating and I think it is a little dishonest and a bad sign when someone says they are annulled when they are not annulled. I found my husband on Catholicmatch and I have to say, I highly recommend it.

 

[agapewolf]

My point is that seeking an immediate annulment is not indicative of a person’s faith. There are many reasons people do not immediately pursue it. Do not let that be a barrier to looking for someone who is strong and whole in her faith.

Someone without an annulment and seeking dating IS INDEED indicative of faith and lacking the understanding of marriage. Marriage lasts until death, and a civil divorce does not undo a marriage.

A person that had a presumably valid marriage in the church and divorced, is. still. married. One should not try to date a married person.

 

[Allegra]

My point is that seeking an immediate annulment is not indicative of a person’s faith. There are many reasons people do not immediately pursue it. Do not let that be a barrier to looking for someone who is strong and whole in her faith.

This can be true and it would be good advice for someone who had met a divorced Catholic by chance. Such a person might have several reasons for not seeking an anullment yet, especially if the marriage had recently ended. However, in this situation, the persons in question are seeking a date on a dating website and in some situations even go to the extent of being deceptive about not having recieved an anullment yet. I think that is indicative of a person’s character and honestly.

 

[robwar]

Someone without an annulment and seeking dating IS INDEED indicative of faith and lacking the understanding of marriage. Marriage lasts until death, and a civil divorce does not undo a marriage.

A person that had a presumably valid marriage in the church and divorced, is. still. married. One should not try to date a married person.

You have to realize that with “no fault” divorce that it only takes one who wants out and the divorce is legally granted. So someone could end up divorced who never wanted the divorce and tried their best to save or work on the marriage. Putting on a Catholic dating site that one is divorced and not yet annulled is being honest and up front. If you are looking on some of these sites and the fact that they are divorced and not yet annulled and it bothers you, then obviously don’t start a relationship with them.

 

[agapewolf]

You have to realize that with “no fault” divorce that it only takes one who wants out and the divorce is legally granted. So someone could end up divorced who never wanted the divorce and tried their best to save or work on the marriage. Putting on a Catholic dating site that one is divorced and not yet annulled is being honest and up front. If you are looking on some of these sites and the fact that they are divorced and not yet annulled and it bothers you, then obviously don’t start a relationship with them.

I already “realize” that, thank you, and it has NO bearing whatsoever on what I just stated.

If someone is seeking a date and they are not annulled, there is a huge problem. They are still married.

 

[Usige]

You have to realize that with “no fault” divorce that it only takes one who wants out and the divorce is legally granted. So someone could end up divorced who never wanted the divorce and tried their best to save or work on the marriage. Putting on a Catholic dating site that one is divorced and not yet annulled is being honest and up front. If you are looking on some of these sites and the fact that they are divorced and not yet annulled and it bothers you, then obviously don’t start a relationship with them.

The point is that without an annulment they are neither free to marry nor date. A catholic should know better than to think a divorce ends marriage. From what some are saying, many are divorced and haven’t even sought a decleration of nullity.

Its a little like a man in secular society that is dating a married woman that’s going to get a divorce. Well you’re still married, so call when you aren’t.

 

[MaryAlex]

However, in this situation, the persons in question are seeking a date on a dating website and in some situations even go to the extent of being deceptive about not having received an annulment yet.

This can certainly happen, but my point to the OP is that just as many people - or even just a few - are honest about their situation, and that a check mark about an annulment does not have to be an automatic deterrent to opening a dialogue.

 

[Dorothy]

I already “realize” that, thank you, and it has NO bearing whatsoever on what I just stated.

If someone is seeking a date and they are not annulled, there is a huge problem. They are still married.

Correct!

And if they are not annulled and date someone and after a while they would like to marry that person, then they finally start the annulment process.

The annulment process doesn’t always come out in one’s favor.

And, many times they don’t get the annulment and then, (I have seen it happen), they go ahead and marry the person outside the Church.

I rarely hear it said that if a Catholic has a civil divorce that they should not date unless they receive an annulment. One should not date when they are still married.

 

[3DOCTORS]

The point is that without an annulment they are neither free to marry nor date. A catholic should know better than to think a divorce ends marriage. From what some are saying, many are divorced and haven’t even sought a decleration of nullity.

Its a little like a man in secular society that is dating a married woman that’s going to get a divorce. Well you’re still married, so call when you aren’t.

Yes, and though some situations are heartbreaking, either one has an annulment or a good shot at it or they don’t. If it doesn’t matter much to them, then they ought to be honest about that and not deceive those of us for whom it would matter. Because I’d rather find out sooner than later and not waste my time - and end up having to tell him later which would be more painful for both of us. I’d prefer to concentrate my efforts on the men who are free to marry.

 

[TeachCatechism]

That’s exactly it, most of these people mentioned they weren’t even in the process of seeking an annulment, many were just recently divorced. The one website I saw this on even has a message stating that those without an annulment should only be seeking friendship but this wasn’t the case at all. The reality is not every marriage will receive an annulment and someone might get hurt, or the couple can’t marry in church. I would never date a man without an annulment.

 

[3DOCTORS]

That’s exactly it, most of these people mentioned they weren’t even in the process of seeking an annulment, many were just recently divorced. The one website I saw this on even has a message stating that those without an annulment should only be seeking friendship but this wasn’t the case at all. The reality is not every marriage will receive an annulment and someone might get hurt, or the couple can’t marry in church. I would never date a man without an annulment.

I suppose it would be pretty difficult to enforce/moderate or whatever word applies, but to prevent these folks from joining an orthodox Catholic dating site until they are at least in the process of an annulment. I’d think if possible the site should attempt to impress upon them that if they read that statement you mention, they should have to agree with it as part of Terms of Use of the site, and have a reporting feature if their self-description includes “recently divorced” but no mention of annulment. Sure, it wouldn’t catch all of them, but it would catch the ones dumb enough not to think it matters . . . guess I’m pretty hardcore about this stuff! npatrol:

 

[TeachCatechism]

The sad thing is the site in question has a forum and several of the divorced people gang up and attack others who aren’t willing to date divorced people. People would state because they want to marry in church and a few admitted they don’t care about that. They may not, but most Catholics do.

 

[Warandpeace]

My mom is a divorced but not annulled Catholic. I asked her about this recently, and she said that it would be really painful to dig up the past to answer all those questions, and saw no reason to cause herself that pain unless she wanted to remarry.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I mentioned this is in another thread but I failed at online dating. I am kind of angry this happen but has to do with an underlying problem, which is the amount of divorced people on Catholic sites. I realize divorce happens and all of that but one of the tenets of being Catholic is of course marrying at a Catholic church but this isn’t allowed if one isn’t annulled. The site even had a section where it asks if a person is going through an annulment and most said no. Makes me wonder why someone like this would even be on a Catholic dating site if they can’t marry in a Catholic church. Many of these people would get mad when people rejected them.

I think the debate here is not being too restrictive versus promoting absolute Catholic teaching to the letter at any expense. Catholic Match, for instance, has customers fill out seven questions as to which teachings they agree/disagree with. Some users are fine with pre-martial sex and contraception.

Sometimes, a more loose-on-the-rules Catholic will find someone who can straighten them out a bit and God does work in mysterious ways.

But your point is not lost me. The rules about annulment and divorce must be respected and it’s my understanding the matter involved is grave.

 

[robwar]

The point is that without an annulment they are neither free to marry nor date. A catholic should know better than to think a divorce ends marriage. From what some are saying, many are divorced and haven’t even sought a decleration of nullity.

Its a little like a man in secular society that is dating a married woman that’s going to get a divorce. Well you’re still married, so call when you aren’t.

Without looking at each and every person on Catholic dating sites that are stating they are divorced but not yet have annulment, it is hard to judge or know why. These situations can be much more complex than what we are making it out to be on this thread. The better thing is that Op should contact the dating site to express his feelings and views about divorced and not yet annulled single Catholics and maybe find out maybe why the site allows them on in the first place. But the bottom line is that if one is looking for an eventual marriage partner and the fact that they may be divorced and not have had the marriage annulled yet then just maybe that is not the person for you to contact and start dating. Sometimes people are lonely and divorce is very hard and they maybe not be “looking” for another marriage but just looking to have a friend to do something with occasionally. These sites are voluntary and no one is going to make you date a divorced person. Again, I am not justifying divorce or someone trying to remarry if not annulled but we likewise can’t make blanket assumptions about people’s situations.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I am a woman btw, but this was something many of us complained about on the dating site. I can understand divorced people seeking friends but many were seeking relationships and even marriage and getting mad because we would reject them.

 

[m_crane]

These Catholic dating sites should make people who add their info to the site include information about annulments , if they are only divorced without an annulment they should not be allowed to be in a catholic dating website. This should be stated in the web site rules. As they are not following catholic teaching on dating and divorced people.

 

[Luvz2travel]

I mentioned this is in another thread but I failed at online dating. I am kind of angry this happen but has to do with an underlying problem, which is the amount of divorced people on Catholic sites. I realize divorce happens and all of that but one of the tenets of being Catholic is of course marrying at a Catholic church but this isn’t allowed if one isn’t annulled. The site even had a section where it asks if a person is going through an annulment and most said no. Makes me wonder why someone like this would even be on a Catholic dating site if they can’t marry in a Catholic church. Many of these people would get mad when people rejected them.

I couldn’t agree more. If you aren’t annulled you shouldn’t consider dating at all. The church views such people as still married weather they recognize it or not and therefore they can’t marry in the church or date till they have an annualment. Many don’t understand this and then get mad when you try to explain it to them. It’s not personal but frankly I don’t want to be potentially commiting adultery with someone by seeing them only to find out years later when they’ve been through the annualment process that their marriage is still considered valid. Why submit myself to potential heartache. One of my ex’s was going through the process but wasn’t ready to date yet emotionally so I think the process needs to be undergone totally before they even think of dating.