My pet peeve: divorced (not annulled)on Catholic dating sites

[Luvz2travel]

Yes, and though some situations are heartbreaking, either one has an annulment or a good shot at it or they don’t. If it doesn’t matter much to them, then they ought to be honest about that and not deceive those of us for whom it would matter. Because I’d rather find out sooner than later and not waste my time - and end up having to tell him later which would be more painful for both of us. I’d prefer to concentrate my efforts on the men who are free to marry.

Yes exactly.

 

[mellowcalico]

I am divorced and in the process of having my marriage reviewed (which by the way takes a long time and isn’t easy, simple as some might think. I am going on 19 months now since I first filed a petition. If you count when I first asked out it, it’s going on almost 2.5 years because they wouldn’t even let me petition until my civil divorce was final and in my state you have to be separated for a year before you can file).

If anyone is interested or it matters, my husband left me because he is homosexual and wanted to live that lifestyle. I had no choice in it and it wasn’t some petty thing like “we didn’t get along.”

Okay, back to the subject. I think a lot of people just don’t know. Others are just human (and flawed). I don’t think they mean to hurt anyone, it’s just that in their own despair, they are misguided and seek comfort with dating.

When I sat down with my priest to talk about it, all he told me was “don’t schedule any weddings.” He never once told me not to date. He never counseled me about it or asked me if I was dating. He just said not to marry.

I read a book about the process. No mention of not dating in that either.

Recently I had another interview (this time with the judges’ advocate). They wanted to clarify thing. And again, there was a mention that I shouldn’t get married… nothing about dating.

I’ll be honest, I was “half dating” someone. He was a man I hung out with, we went to restaurants, movies, had a good time. Nothing physical or anything… think of him as a “friend+.” It was just nice to hang out with a man and feel like I wasn’t alone. I suspect he felt the same way. It helps fight the despair and loneliness. Nothing happened, but that’s over for the time being–on hold.

My point is.

1. For most Catholics, I really don’t think it’s clear that you can’t date. I think some don’t even know you can’t marry. I sure didn’t know now (and I went to CCD and Catholic school for a while). But they just never taught this and I only know because I happened to read about it on this forum.
2. You get lonely and us divorced people (especially those like me who basically did “nothing wrong”) after being alone for almost three years it gets to you. It’s like you are being punished for something someone else did. What’s more, in the 2.5 years I’ve endured this, I’ve gone from being able to have children to what I think is per-menopause. It hurts–my ambition in life was to be a good wife and mother. I lost one… luckily I do have a child. I wish I had more, but I probably never will.

I know it’s wrong, but it’s a temptation and a struggle. But it’s nice to have friends and to feel wanted. I haven’t registered for a site or anything, but I did look at them for a while thinking maybe I could make friends. I decided not to as it looked more marriage minded. But I imagine it’s easy to just create a profile and flirt… see if you still got it. If nothing else but to put off despair. I am not saying it’s right, but it’s human (flawed, but human).

A little off subject. If I get a decree and am free to marry. I highly doubt I will try a Catholic site. My husband was Catholic and a fat lot of good that did me. I’ll be honest too, the whole process is a test of faith and sometimes I feel like I am losing that battle.

Plus, even if I “get and annulment” so many Catholics already have such a biased towards anyone divorced. Like we did something wrong. In today’s society it takes two to make a marriage work and just one to undo it. All the faith, struggling to make it work, and effort in the world won’t keep a marriage together if it’s just one person trying and the other has already checked out. Trust me, I know first hand.

 

[TeachCatechism]

I’m not really against divorced Catholics dating casually, my pet peeve is the fact many seek out new partners when they aren’t eligible to marry in the church, then get mad when we reject them. It has nothing to do with my personal beliefs but rather the fact that I want to marry in the church and being denied would upset me. I’ve even had people tell me the ceremony was no big deal and that I should be happy marrying in a courthouse. Sorry but nope.

 

[mellowcalico]

I’m not really against divorced Catholics dating casually, my pet peeve is the fact many seek out new partners when they aren’t eligible to marry in the church, then get mad when we reject them. It has nothing to do with my personal beliefs but rather the fact that I want to marry in the church and being denied would upset me. I’ve even had people tell me the ceremony was no big deal and that I should be happy marrying in a courthouse. Sorry but nope.

I get it… I really do. And I don’t blame you–if anything you are perfectly right. I was just trying to explain “why” they do it and why they join sites (or at least my perception of why being a divorced, but not “annulled”/still in the process Catholic).

 

[TeachCatechism]

The thing is though many of them will contact people like me, then get mad because I tell them no. If they were divorced and seeking out other divorced that would be fine but they aren’t.

 

[mellowcalico]

The thing is though many of them will contact people like me, then get mad because I tell them no. If they were divorced and seeking out other divorced that would be fine but they aren’t.

Don’t let people like that bother you. Some people take it as a personal rejection I think and take it to heart. If anyone gets upset with you for something so fundamental to your (and supposedly their) faith, then basically you dodged a bullet in a lot of ways.

Like I said, I am not on any of those sites, but I imagine they must have an ignore feature. I think once you decline someone because of their marital status, it would be best for you to ignore them if you can. It would save you a lot of grief.

 

[Luvz2travel]

Don’t let people like that bother you. Some people take it as a personal rejection I think and take it to heart. If anyone gets upset with you for something so fundamental to your (and supposedly their) faith, then basically you dodged a bullet in a lot of ways.

Like I said, I am not on any of those sites, but I imagine they must have an ignore feature. I think once you decline someone because of their marital status, it would be best for you to ignore them if you can. It would save you a lot of grief.

When you get a certain age most of the folks are all divorced too and you hate to ask…are you divorced because if you are I can’t date you or feel free to have a romantic relationship with you. It’s very awkward. Or can be then they take it personally and say…".we’ll am I supposed to be alone then"…I’m like I’ve been alone 43 years and survived get real.

I’m ok for being alone but sometimes on the financial side it feels like being punished for being single and living alone instead of just living with someone like everyone else does these days. My sister for instance lives with her boyfriend and he even bought her a car while I’m struggling to make ends meat with 2 jobs and a load of debt including a moneypit house. We all have our burdens I guess.

 

[Julian_Bashir]

I can see how that would be irritating and I think it is a little dishonest and a bad sign when someone says they are annulled when they are not annulled. I found my husband on Catholicmatch and I have to say, I highly recommend it.

Same here. That’s where I met my lovely wife.

 

[TeachCatechism]

Catholic Match is actually where I dealt with this issue. Oh sure, most of the men were never married or annulled or widowed (or at least claimed to be)but the ones who were divorced were nasty at times, including some guy who compared me to Hitler because I refused to date divorced dads.