My Phantom Limb

[Epistemes]

Awhile back I was under the presumption that God wanted me to join the Franciscans and dedicate my life to chastity, poverty and obedience. I met with a Capuchin Friar in Charlotte, NC who spoke with me, congratulated me on my deep spirituality, gave me a book on the life of St. Francis, and then we parted ways after stepping outside to feed the birds.

Internally, I knew this would be the first and last time I would meet this kindly friar. In our interview, I had effectively lied to him. When he asked me what my prayer life was like I boasted and made myself out to be some Padre Pio. I once had a prolific prayer life, I recalled as I boasted, but it hasn’t been like that in at least a month.

Psychologically, I don’t think I can handle religion. Finding a balance between the sacred and the profane is a struggle I will never comprehend. Even the saints are presented by the faithful as nothing less than schizophrenics. If I can’t find a balance in my daily life without essentially becoming a hermit, what makes me think I can handle religious life? Vocations aren’t a call from God, despite the clever title, but rather an answer to circumstances we create for ourselves. This isn’t to say I don’t respectfully envy my friends who have found that reasonable balance between actuality and the idealism which religion offers on a silver platter, and these are the same friends who have gone on to join the Franciscans themselves, but it’s become quite obvious to me that I’ve created circumstances for myself which will not allow me to rest easy in the arms of religious life.

I have no one but myself to blame. I rushed into a situation I was not ready for. No sooner had I thought about joining the Church that I was already considering priesthood; no sooner had I thought about priesthood that I dedicated my every living hour to sainthood. I wanted to be something that I am clearly not. Now all of my strength has left me and I find myself in an apathetic malaise of depression.

2007 was a year dedicated to the phantom: the phantom that is faith, the phantom that is heaven, the phantom that is God.

 

[twosweetgirls]

I wanted to be something that I am clearly not. Now all of my strength has left me and I find myself in an apathetic malaise of depression.
.

Then be still and stop trying to be someone you’re clearly not. Be still and know that He is God. And YOU are His Child. That can be a vocation unto itself.

 

[Epistemes]

Then be still and stop trying to be someone you’re clearly not. Be still and know that He is God. And YOU are His Child. That can be a vocation unto itself.

To be still is also something that I am clearly not - or, rather, cannot be. If I had the capacity to be still then perhaps circumstances might’ve been different, after all.

 

[twosweetgirls]

Not so, Epistemes! With Jesus, you can rest in Him and not try to be anything at all. He, as a Human God (as well as God Himself), knows our human failings and only wants you to give your restlessness, your rushing into the situation, your lying (by your own admission), all that stuff. . . don’t worry about the “balance” you perceive everyone else having except you.

Some of the greatest saints–Mother Teresa being one (well, an almost saint in her case )–had desert periods in their faith walk. Take heart from them and don’t be so hard on yourself.

Say a Rosary, go to confession, spend some time with Jesus in Adoration (either exposed in the Blessed Sacrament or hidden in His tabernacle). You might even want to speak with this kindly Friar again.

 

[Em_in_FL]

What are your expectations of faith?
Do you assume that holiness is only in the form of religious life?

So religious life doesn’t suit you? Does that make religion wrong all together?
Many Saints were laypersons who lived very normal, average lives. Do you think you’re better than them? Have more to prove to the world? Have holiness to “show off”?

There is a lot of holiness in the average… the normal…

The extreme religious life is VISIBLE… consider becoming INVISIBLE in your religious life.
Only God’s view is important… not the world’s…

 

[Epistemes]

To be still and to try to be nothing at all is completely antithetical to the nature and structure of the Church. There is nothing wrong with being one of Christ’s sheep so long as hierarchical governance is allowed to sheperd - an act which requires submission. To be something is even mandated by the apostles themselves.

I’m not going to say I don’t suffer from the spiritual afflictions which St. John of the Cross lists as pseudo-“dark nights,” such as spiritual gluttony, spiritual avarice, etc. I obviously do and the recognition of this will not allow these afflictions to abate. I cannot take any actions which will not be countered by St. John’s chastising finger. A saint who hasn’t traversed the delicate balance between flesh and spirit can be no saint. This is an implicit assumption of piety. We treasure saints such as Maria Faustina and Francis of Assisi precisely for the conflicts they experienced. Why else do the faithful recite the mantra “Jesus I Have Faith In You” incessantly? It is not because such faith actually exists, but it is a reminder that such faith is not yet present but would like to be.

The nature of the human person cannot be still.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

If I can’t find a balance in my daily life without essentially becoming a hermit, what makes me think I can handle religious life? Vocations aren’t a call from God, despite the clever title, but rather an answer to circumstances we create for ourselves. This isn’t to say I don’t respectfully envy my friends who have found that reasonable balance between actuality and the idealism which religion offers on a silver platter, and these are the same friends who have gone on to join the Franciscans themselves, but it’s become quite obvious to me that I’ve created circumstances for myself which will not allow me to rest easy in the arms of religious life.

Hi there Epistemes …

As Catholics we believe that the very smallest good to the very greatest flows not from us but from God. Hence that ‘balance’ you speak of that your friends have found flows from God. If a person makes a choice to give their entire lives to God that good flows from God not the person - and we just title this vocation. The term’vocation’ is not confined nowadays to a priestly or religious vocation…rather it is that call every person experiences to a certain state in life. A way of living for God.

Nothing will so undermine our Faith and trust as doubts about ourselves and perhaps our religion as well, our Faith, as those doubts that can come from time to time and probably to us all on some level that are deliberately entertained, rather than struggled against. To enter into this struggle which all come across from time to time on some level or other, we need to make our total investment in what our Faith tells us…human logic and reasonings can be (not always) the logic and reasonings of ‘this world’ of whom Jesus spoke pointing out the struggle and tension between God and this world.

I have no one but myself to blame. I rushed into a situation I was not ready for. No sooner had I thought about joining the Church that I was already considering priesthood; no sooner had I thought about priesthood that I dedicated my every living hour to sainthood. I wanted to be something that I am clearly not. Now all of my strength has left me and I find myself in an apathetic malaise of depression.

You seem to be noting an ambivalence in yourself and conflict - a certain instability…and noting these imperfections have allowed yourself to become apathetic and depressed. Every single one of us notes similar things in ourselves on some level and if our trust was not in The Lord and His Mercy, we would undermine our Faith and trigger apathy and depression. Rather, noting these things in ourselves, there is a certain humility and trust in God’s Mercy that brings Peace, rather than the negative emotions you are experiencing. We know Jesus came to save sinners…and we actually really do experience ourselves as totally imperfect, failures and sinful - but this does not discourage us, rather encourages us to put our Faith not in ourselves but in The Lord.
Once a person is actually accepted into the training for priesthood or religious life, then they embark on a journey of formation and discovery. Are they called to this state in life will be their journey of discovery. Similarly is the engagement/courtship period for marriage.

2007 was a year dedicated to the phantom: the phantom that is faith, the phantom that is heaven, the phantom that is God.

This is how you are experiencing things…but is it the actual objective reality? As an example, I may experience another person as arrogant - that is my experience. The truth of the matter however is that this person is very shy … and I have mistaken it for arrogance. Our own personal experience of reality can be the very worst of guides to actual objective reality. I think you are perhaps experiencing your own selfhood as ‘phantom like’…unstable, somewhat fleeting and unreal. And you are projecting this onto your concept of God? This is only the concept…over and above how we conceive reality…is the actual reality itself. Our concepts can be quite accurate, they can also be enitrely false.

To summarize, it seems to me that you are experiencing yourself as far from perfect - far, far from perfect … join the club! join the human race! You seem to expect far more of yourself than you are in fact able to give…join the club! join the human race! To me, it is simply a question for you of where you are going to make your investment - in yourself or in God and what we know about Him we call ‘religion’. The actual investment we make is where we put our Faith, our trust…you seem to be putting this into yourself and not too happy at all about it becoming apathetic and depressed.

Blessings and will be keeping you in prayer…Barb

 

[BarbaraTherese]

We treasure saints such as Maria Faustina and Francis of Assisi precisely for the conflicts they experienced. Why else do the faithful recite the mantra “Jesus I Have Faith In You” incessantly? It is not because such faith actually exists, but it is a reminder that such faith is not yet present but would like to be.

By a very long shot indeed, not all our saints have been mystics subject to unusual mystical phenomena like Fuastina and St. Francis! You are quite correct in stating that (I would add at this point the word “often”) the faithful will recite a mantra such as “Jesus I have Faith in you” to be reassuring of their own selfhood and their Faith…nothing wrong with that. You are also very correct in stating that such Faith may not yet be present, but would like to be. Nothing at all wrong in that! Others may recite mantras for different reasons and as long as that reason is not unhealthy, what is wrong with it? I read somewhere: “pray as you can, not as you cannot”…in other words, if I need to reassure myself re my Faith - then I will do so without guilt … perhaps recite some reassuring words to myself over and over again. I am sure the Good God sees my concerns and with great Compassion and Understanding…as well as my means to deal with those concerns.

The nature of the human person cannot be still.

ahh you are very correct again - or as St. Augustine put it “our hearts are restless until they rest in Thee”. Over and above that our mystics tell us that there is a state where one is indeed still. Whether one will be admitted to that state or not is entirely up to God…and if one never is, then my Faith tells me that God always knows and does what is best for the person. Now my Faith tells me that…sometimes my human logic and reasoning would try to fight against it. I simply will not engage in such battles, my investment is in Faith so long as God grants me the Grace and is Merciful to me…at 62 years nothing in my past to tell me that He is going to withdraw it from me…so I journey on under the concept that He will not withdraw it. If He should, then I will deal with that at the time …because my Faith tells me that God will never send too much for me to handle. As Jesus said “todays worries are enough for today” in other words, I cross the bridges I must as they occur…and not worry re the ones I imagine I might need to cross further down the line. That is called neurosis - worrying about imaginary only matters.
Seems to me your current bridge is apathy and depression…asking you isolate its source and deal with that and if you can deal with it, apathy and depression will loose the source of the stream and dry up. It seems to me that your concepts are the source.

Blessings - Barb

 

[Epistemes]

BT,

Alot of what you said echoes what my priest used to tell me during confession. My problems - my sins - my shortcomings were all related to the perception of myself and God’s relationship to that perception. Just like you he’d say, “Welcome to being human!” He said that alot. Isn’t it obvious, then, that his words made little impression? How easily I forgot that advice.

I won’t deny that there is something within me which is dissatisfied with the way things are. This same something gnaws away at me, desiring to do something that matters, to be something that matters, etc. I cannot allow myself or my life to rot away into the shame of insignificance, but this all my life has been. I had hoped that by being a Franciscan I would actually be able to help people all around the world - and I must admit that experiencing a tad bit of international travel wouldn’t have been disagreeable with me. To die having only seen the ever-changing commercial-industrial complex that is Piedmont, North Carolina is hardly spiritually satisfying on any level. I’m not ignorant of the fact that charity can (and sometimes must) begin at home; that I could very well make a difference as a simple layman. But how?

I continually curse St. Paul. ‘What a damned fool!’ I sometimes think. He says we all have ‘gifts’ which we must share with the world, and I cannot help but think, “What in the hell is my ‘gift’?” Is my gift the ability to be an arrogant, pompous yet deeply introverted basketcase? Is my gift the ability to be a complete and utter skeptic in all that is of faith and surreal? Is my gift the ability to eat enough food in one hour which could easily fill five families’ bellies? Is my gift the ability to live lies so grandiose that even I begin to believe them? Is my gift the ability to get drunk?

Yes, my selfhood is a phantom. But so is faith, so is hope, and so is St. Paul’s God.

 

[Cloisters]

I’m from the Piedmont Triad of NC, please PM me if you need to talk.

Having suffered from clinical depression myself, I can attest that some of what you’re saying is probably just that–clinical depression. Your “logic” also sounds like a form of autism known as “Aspergers.” If this has been going on for more than 6 months, please seek professional assistance.

So much of what you’ve described is a soul dying to itself in the arms of Jesus. Imagine a tired child crying and kicking in its parents arms. I don’t know how many times I went through it myself. There is a form of scruples, which is spiritually dangerous, and it may also be that.

Find a copy of the Pieta Prayer Book, and look up the “Litany of Humility” in the back of the book.

If words and sit-down contemplation are beyond you, then turn a look toward Heaven and simply LOVE Him. This is what St. Therese did when her TB was in its advanced stages, and she couldn’t even pray one-line prayers.

OTOH, you may also be going through spiritual combat, and I would advise you to get a St. Benedict rosary to pray on.

HTH.

Blessings,
Cloisters

 

[Epistemes]

Cloisters,

I don’t think you quite appreciate the scope of things - as I see them. From January 1, 2007 - October 7, 2007 (the moment when I purposefully skipped my first Mass ever), I feel as if I wasted my life chasing phantoms which do not exist. I QUIT GRADUATE SCHOOL IN ORDER TO BECOME CATHOLIC, and now that I no longer feel at home in the Church for various reasons, I think I have a right to feel apathetic and depressed. With debts I still owe from when I was in school, plus the new debt of a car loan, my finances are just a little strained, my future seems vanquished, and I think I have a right to feel just a little bit emotional about this. Everytime I approach my situation objectively, failure rears its ugly head - so please pardon me if my “logic” is not so propositionally objective as it might need to be.

I’m angry. Hasn’t anyone figured that out yet? I’m angry at myself for wasting a whole year chasing phantoms, and I’m equally angry at those phantoms for their deception. I’m angry and I’m currently finding it difficult to forgive. The only way I can forgive myself is if my life or the perception of my life takes a dramatic turn and I realize that circumstances aren’t all that bad.

I don’t need prayer. I don’t need repetitious chaplets. I don’t need Scripture. I don’t even need my priest trying to imitate his best persona Christi. I need God to provide answers - which, paradoxically, rely upon the means which I willfully choose to reject.

Becoming a Franciscan was a way out. Becoming a Franciscan offered me a promising future. God kept coaxing me, ‘You would make a fine priest. Help me lead my sheep,’ but then God menacingly pointed the finger at me and said, ‘Fool, have you forgotten you are an only child and your mother’s end awaits your financial providencel,’ and other such taunts.

Thanks, God, I appreciate the change in heart. Just like you.

 

[Cloisters]

Okay, okay, I can see that you’re angry. However, being angry at the Creator only lands one in Hell, both on earth and in the afterlife.

Taunts are not from God. You’re being assaulted by the Evil One, and you’re letting him win.

Your expectations–which you really haven’t spelled out here–were not met.

Get a grip! The only way you’re going to find your way out of this is to calm down and start making some kind of plan.

What DID happen with the Franciscan plan? No religious order is going to accept you if you’ve been Catholic less than 2 years.

If you are the only support for your mom, there is the Secular Franciscan way. If you wanted to make changes in the world, the only world you can change right now is your own. Your mom needs you. Why would you have to drop out of graduate school to become Catholic?

Blessings,
Cloisters

 

[Epistemes]

Okay, okay, I can see that you’re angry. However, being angry at the Creator only lands one in Hell, both on earth and in the afterlife.

Taunts are not from God. You’re being assaulted by the Evil One, and you’re letting him win.

Your expectations–which you really haven’t spelled out here–were not met.

Get a grip! The only way you’re going to find your way out of this is to calm down and start making some kind of plan.

What DID happen with the Franciscan plan? No religious order is going to accept you if you’ve been Catholic less than 2 years.

If you are the only support for your mom, there is the Secular Franciscan way. If you wanted to make changes in the world, the only world you can change right now is your own. Your mom needs you. Why would you have to drop out of graduate school to become Catholic?

Blessings,
Cloisters

The Franciscans still send me mail. God, do they ever. I even received a couple of Christmas cards from the Director of Vocations for the Holy Name Province (OFM) and Capuchins. What happened to the Franciscan plan? I realized how inept at religion I really am. To repeat what I’ve said, someone as spiritually inept as myself has no business considering the Franciscans.

Plus, yes, there’s my mother. It’s not like my stepdad isn’t alive. And it’s not like my mother hasn’t said I could join the Franciscans. I just don’t think she knows what she’s saying ‘alright’ to. There was a period not to long ago when I used to weep due to the guilt I could possibly experience walking away to join some robed fraternity.

Why did I have to quit graduate school in order to become Catholic? Because the Church is insistent upon all converts going through the mindnumbing process that is Dogma 101, aka RCIA - and the only local parish in the area (for the other one was arrogant enough to impose “parish borders”) held classes on Wednesday night when I had classes for just about every semester throughout the next 2-3 years. I asked if other arrangements could be made. No, they couldn’t. Becoming Catholic was pretty important to me at the time…but if I knew it would amount to this, I wouldn’t have bothered…

And I’m not so worried about Hell at this point. At least there’s some amount of certainty in my life.

Oh, I still want to care, but I’ve had enough disappointments as is.

 

[Cloisters]

The Franciscans still send me mail. God, do they ever. I even received a couple of Christmas cards from the Director of Vocations for the Holy Name Province (OFM) and Capuchins. What happened to the Franciscan plan? I realized how inept at religion I really am. To repeat what I’ve said, someone as spiritually inept as myself has no business considering the Franciscans.

Plus, yes, there’s my mother. It’s not like my stepdad isn’t alive. And it’s not like my mother hasn’t said I could join the Franciscans. I just don’t think she knows what she’s saying ‘alright’ to. There was a period not to long ago when I used to weep due to the guilt I could possibly experience walking away to join some robed fraternity.

Why did I have to quit graduate school in order to become Catholic? Because the Church is insistent upon all converts going through the mindnumbing process that is Dogma 101, aka RCIA - and the only local parish in the area (for the other one was arrogant enough to impose “parish borders”) held classes on Wednesday night when I had classes for just about every semester throughout the next 2-3 years. I asked if other arrangements could be made. No, they couldn’t. Becoming Catholic was pretty important to me at the time…but if I knew it would amount to this, I wouldn’t have bothered…

And I’m not so worried about Hell at this point. At least there’s some amount of certainty in my life.

Oh, I still want to care, but I’ve had enough disappointments as is.

At least you still want to care. That’s a good thing. Start with that and build on it. Want to care. . .about what. . .family. . .debts. . .how to get out of debt.

St. Paula had a tendency to overwhelming grief. I recommend you to her prayers. Her grief was not a sin, but an imperfection.

Who called you inept at religion? Is that self-criticism, or did you get into some kind of “discussion” that was actually a tear-down?

Yes, you do want to care about Hell. Worse than your worse nightmares combined, and no ability to love, constant excruciating pain according to what sins were unrepented. What you’re going through now is nothing compared to that.

Apparently, the parish was short-staffed, or at least the staff was short-sighted in not wanting to work with you on your schedule. I know of plenty of people who have taken instructions outside of RCIA. Complain to the pastor first about it, then the bishop if there’s no response–and state the case calmly, if possible. Whenever the Chancery (bishop’s office) receives letters “dripping with hate,” the only letter the writer will receive will be one that says, “we’re praying for you.”

And even if you don’t want to pray for yourself, I’M praying for you, and asking not only St. Paula’s prayers for you, but Our Lady and Mother, as well. I know from experience that she will very gently redirect you.

Blessings,
Cloisters

 

[mschrank]

Vocations aren’t a call from God, despite the clever title, but rather an answer to circumstances we create for ourselves.

Pride is the deadliest of all sins… if you believe in “sin” that is.

 

[Em_in_FL]

The Franciscans still send me mail. God, do they ever. I even received a couple of Christmas cards from the Director of Vocations for the Holy Name Province (OFM) and Capuchins. What happened to the Franciscan plan? I realized how inept at religion I really am. To repeat what I’ve said, someone as spiritually inept as myself has no business considering the Franciscans.

Plus, yes, there’s my mother. It’s not like my stepdad isn’t alive. And it’s not like my mother hasn’t said I could join the Franciscans. I just don’t think she knows what she’s saying ‘alright’ to. There was a period not to long ago when I used to weep due to the guilt I could possibly experience walking away to join some robed fraternity.

Why did I have to quit graduate school in order to become Catholic? Because the Church is insistent upon all converts going through the mindnumbing process that is Dogma 101, aka RCIA - and the only local parish in the area (for the other one was arrogant enough to impose “parish borders”) held classes on Wednesday night when I had classes for just about every semester throughout the next 2-3 years. I asked if other arrangements could be made. No, they couldn’t. Becoming Catholic was pretty important to me at the time…but if I knew it would amount to this, I wouldn’t have bothered…

And I’m not so worried about Hell at this point. At least there’s some amount of certainty in my life.

Oh, I still want to care, but I’ve had enough disappointments as is.

Being “inept at religion” doesn’t mean God isn’t working in your life…
But on the flip side, being called to join the faith and go through RCIA doesn’t necessarily mean that God is calling you to religious life.
I’m not a convert… but I’ve witnessed many converts go through a very difficult time. At first… on FIRE with the faith… wanting to leave their entire “former life” behind and move on. Sometimes that overwhelming “conversion experience” can drop you like a rock.
God doesn’t call everyone to be religious scholars, or cloistered monks, or mystic spiritualists. Sometimes He calls us to simplicity… living out our plain, boring, mundane lives for HIM. We can become Saints in many, different, unique ways.

Sometimes it is pride that makes us feel like we’re “called to greatness”…
God sometimes calls us to simplicity… normalcy…

You can’t blame God or the local parish for dropping out of your graduate program… it happened because you felt that RCIA was more important (and rightly so!) at the time.
What about going back to school? Finish what you started… complete those goals!
Sound “too normal” for someone who was called to the faith?.. maybe. But that can be okay too.

You’ll be in my prayers.

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Alot of what you said echoes what my priest used to tell me during confession. My problems - my sins - my shortcomings were all related to the perception of myself and God’s relationship to that perception. Just like you he’d say, “Welcome to being human!” He said that alot. Isn’t it obvious, then, that his words made little impression? How easily I forgot that advice.

Gee, if you are not prepared to accept the realities of being human and since you cannot change your own nature?

I won’t deny that there is something within me which is dissatisfied with the way things are. This same something gnaws away at me, desiring to do something that matters, to be something that matters, etc. I cannot allow myself or my life to rot away into the shame of insignificance, but this all my life has been. I had hoped that by being a Franciscan I would actually be able to help people all around the world - and I must admit that experiencing a tad bit of international travel wouldn’t have been disagreeable with me. To die having only seen the ever-changing commercial-industrial complex that is Piedmont, North Carolina is hardly spiritually satisfying on any level. I’m not ignorant of the fact that charity can (and sometimes must) begin at home; that I could very well make a difference as a simple layman. But how?

Again, we all have these frustrations…we all to some degree at some time see the grass in that other paddock as being far greener than our own paddock and those who live in the other paddock as being more fortunate than we and not having to deal with the frustrations we deal with. Truth and the reality of the matter is that such people have to deal with frustration too, differing only in kind. You view life unrealistically I think. In effect, life indeed can be cruel and unkind…we can either yell and scream and have a tantrum over this which will get us nowhere since it changes nothing, or we can adjust our concepts and perceptions of life and start to deal with things realistically.

I continually curse St. Paul. ‘What a damned fool!’ I sometimes think. He says we all have ‘gifts’ which we must share with the world, and I cannot help but think, “What in the hell is my ‘gift’?” Is my gift the ability to be an arrogant, pompous yet deeply introverted basketcase? Is my gift the ability to be a complete and utter skeptic in all that is of faith and surreal? Is my gift the ability to eat enough food in one hour which could easily fill five families’ bellies? Is my gift the ability to live lies so grandiose that even I begin to believe them? Is my gift the ability to get drunk?

…and experiencing frustration at not being able to have what YOU want, it leads to anger and resentment. Again this is unrealistic. Your attitude appears to be that life and religion has let you down and that you let your own self down - but it is all about what YOU want. This is a childish attitude - a child really does expect reality to conform to its own concepts of what reality should indeed be all about.
You are facing life and religion and all they imply determined that they either conform to YOUR concepts and fulfill you, or you are going to dismiss them both as false. Can you see that it is impossible for reality to be false…it is a contradiction in terms. Why is reality and life and God, religion, not giving me what I want…because it is never about giving me what I want.

Yes, my selfhood is a phantom. But so is faith, so is hope, and so is St. Paul’s God.

… nothing at all that you once held as sacred is meeting up to YOUR expectations and so you dismiss them. We can dismiss reality and all it contains all we like and as angrily as we like, but this is not going to change them. Reality cannot be false, it is a contradiction in terms.

Interestingly I once read that a therapist attempts to apply mental and emotional bandaids, while a spiritual director will stay with the person until they get plain sick and tired of suffering and pain and just give it up.
It seems to me that you are just having one big temper tantrum…and since you are in a spiritual type forum to rail and rant against all that is probably held holy you are able to have that tantrum with effect and affect?

Are you truly looking for an answer, or do you just want to be able to express your anger, rage? None of us can fashion reality and God, religion, to conform to your concepts…we can only try to present things as they are in reality - the response, reaction, is your responsibility.

Blessings and my regards - keeping you in prayer - Barb

 

[vocatio]

Epistemes,
Welcome Home. I’ve maticulously read all of your posts by cutting and pastin them in a word document.

Wow! Has anyone ever told you that you have a wonderful command of the English language? I’m awed at it and hope I will get there some day. Mediocrity is my specialty and you are far from it my friend. You have no right to move in on my territory of faillure…I indtend to be the unknow idiot Saint one day. I’ll give you a right seat if you wish to put on the dog as if you have nothing to offer.

You’re own writing gives you away. The insights are amazing. You have come to a desert. Very difficult here you know. I’m there with you as I discern the diaconate and my stupid job that I accepted 4 years ago to do the “right thing”…support my family. I even joined the National Guard to support my family leading me to all kinds of problems at work, home and church…notice I used small c for church instead of Church? My pathetic existence has been very trying. Everyone in my family died on me except my lame *** brother who inhereted the mother load while I was maticulously written out with a new infant and wife because of a choice I made when I was 12…move with dad. Older brother hung himself because he felt like a failure after losing his brokers license in Florida selling Yachts and offered only $50K at another company. He was used to making $220K. Dad wrote us off emotionally in many ways…I couldn’t get around him without him going off into a drinking benge followed by death threats… He was angry at me for leaving the Church… There are many idiots that claim to be Catholic but don’t do what they’re supposed to do.

Your desert is part of a contemplative life. Have you ever thought about the diocesan Priesthood? You can finish up your graduate degree…BTW what is your degree(s) in? I have been screwed by my own family left and right having to pay my own way my entire life. I wasted4 years in the Army after flunking out of school…engineering and a 100hr/wk job. Dumped after almost 4 years of dating by a girl who’s mother could only aknowledge my value as “if he’s not rich at least he went to the seminary”. Want to talk about feeling lonely? You have NO IDEA! what lonely is yet. And ager projected at God? You are a novice compared to me… In time, this too will pass…and you will begin to open up slowly again. Just try not to sabatage yourself like I did by joining the military, resigning from attending the seminary again and marrying a Protestant that did not understand all this…until now…18 years later and it all falls together like a puzzle…with the exception of “what do I do now”…I hate my job…the people are disgustingly sinful beyound normal…marginalizing women and all divorced and remarried and divorced and remarried like it has no meaning… Even the practicing Catholics have cut life off. I’m 46 with a 2 year old wishing I could have more… 2 others older…6 and 13. It gives me so my joy to have children now…even though I really wanted to be a priest.

You stress deserves a raging…let it out…God has big shoulders [quoting our Pastor, a Franciscan Friar] He loves you… so much that he will wait for you to blow off steam. Unless you have a multiple personallity disorder I doubt very seriously that you once burned inside deep enough to convert and then just drop everything. That’s why we encourage people to take things slowly…something I didn’t want to do at first either. Now I know why. You need to take some time just for you. Try to go to mass as best you can. Find a non-Franciscan that is part of that order you showed interest in to confide in if possible. Confiding with them wouldn’t necessarily be bad. Just do what you’re confident doing. I prefer the “Jesus Prayer”…google it. Try to say “Lord Jesus forgive me a poor sinner” everytime you feel bad or do something that causes you shame or discomfort. Chikoti is like a rosary. The Eastern Church devotes much of it’s time to this devotion rather than the Rosary. Byzantine Catholics are wonderful and they have Franciscans too. But you need to something to rekindle the joy within. Cross yourself in the morning everyday the first moment you think of God. And get a Christian Prayer book and read the Liturgy of the Hours, far better than the Rosary…it repeats itself, but over a 4 week cycle and not exactly repeats either. Oh…join a scripture study class… Change up something so you can expand your options. There is no way that you have the big picture yet. Conversion is complex and takes years…so many that it ends up being after our death that we are truly converted. That’s my 2cents.

PAX tecum
Tiber Swimmer 2007-2007 and still crossing everyday.

 

[Epistemes]

Being “inept at religion” doesn’t mean God isn’t working in your life…
But on the flip side, being called to join the faith and go through RCIA doesn’t necessarily mean that God is calling you to religious life.
I’m not a convert… but I’ve witnessed many converts go through a very difficult time. At first… on FIRE with the faith… wanting to leave their entire “former life” behind and move on. Sometimes that overwhelming “conversion experience” can drop you like a rock.

You can’t blame God or the local parish for dropping out of your graduate program
What about going back to school? Finish what you started… complete those goals!

Em,

I won’t lie and say that I’m not a victim of the “conversion experience,” as you put it. My old Catholic convert friends and I have frequently discussed the lull that existed for weeks after Easter Vigil. The conversion experience came and went. The problem, as I have also discussed with these same friends, is that there exists an utter lack of guidance after Easter Vigil. And, in my parish in particular, an utter lack of abilities to participate or get involved with other Catholics. I attended a weekly Scripture study hosted by a guy whose brand of dogmatism I earned a great distaste for, so I quit attending. What was left? Practically nothing except Rummy for Seniors on Tuesday nights. I had hoped to bring a Divine Mercy Cenacle to the parish, but the priest wouldn’t allow it. I thought about hosting classes on the similarities between Christianity and Islam, but I heard this had been tried once and failed miserably. There was nothing left to do but sit around and watch Mother Angelica sell some new statuary on EWTN.

I didn’t just burn out like a candlewick because the excitement had left me; rather, I spent my every waking hour dedicated to Christ like some pious ascetic. Immediately upon waking I would make the sign of the cross and thank God for keeping me alive, then after dressing for work I would say another short prayer; while at work I would vigilantly keep myself from sin and earnestly chastise myself even if I committed a venial sin, and during my breaks at work I would read about Catholicism or defend it on some message board like CAF; upon going home I would make sure to read my Bible, pray a full rosary, and perhaps read something else before bed, waking up and repeating the same cycle. Month and after month this was my life with the occassional Scripture study, Eucharistic Adoration, etc…

I tried balancing the sacred (my frightening piety) with the profane (real life) and just couldn’t manage it. I couldn’t spiritually tolerate anything secular without collapsing. Every time I asked one of the priests about it, I received some vague verbage which caused me to seriously doubt that the persona Christi was actually awake. Was Christ truly this nonsensical?, I wondered. I tried grasping from friends how they managed, but between the dogmatic fellow who led our Scripture study who attempted to live a more pious life than even myself and the Spanish fellow who said at one meeting, “I have a problem with God,” it was hard to find any understanding.

Ya know, to be honest, even when I put my bitterness away, I still cannot recall a single thing good time I had as a Catholic. Oh sure, I laughed at Catholic jokes and felt at home so long as I regurgitated the same dogmatically entrenched language as those people around me…

I mean, I sit here and try to find an honest, good reason to come back to the Church, and I can’t. I don’t fear for my afterlife, and I’ve made more friends now outside the Church than while living as part of the so-called “Community.” What comm-UNITY? The comm-UNITY which is reflected theologically and mystically each time we partake of commUNION? So what?? It lasts for fifteen minutes before everybody runs frantically to their cars.

I’d like to blame God and the Church for my decision to split graduate school where I was working on my MBA. It was my own doing, however. I’ll accept the blame. But you fail to recognize that right up until I met with the kindly Friar in Charlotte, NC who allowed me to feed the birds with him, I felt certain God was calling me to the Friars, and I was willing to wait two years for this to happen. Instead of pursuing other alternatives such as returning to school, starting a new degree, I dedicated my every fiber to this reality. And then things happened and that reality left me. Now I feel lost, unsure of where to turn, what to do, etc. I cannot forseeably return to school without ruining my credit…and I cannot forseeably get a new job without higher education…

In other words, I’m stuck without a God, without a future, and without enough money to even buy enough beer to get drunk. In times like these most people would turn to Christ, but Christ has served as the Judas to my Happiness one too many times already.

 

[vocatio]

I had a child while in school with my wife barely employed and the cost of living over our head. Our son was born on medicaid it was so bad and I too was working on a Graduate degree…initially trying to do a pre-med and switched to teaching as a despirate move. I even drove a bus and substitute taught. It was really stressful. To top that off a peditric Docotor came in a insulted the hell out of us by telling us to get off the system. It was humiliating. I had no choice in the matter and my wife’s work did not cover maternity costs. And not making enough money I justified at least our child won’t have to suffer this…So I’ve been despirately trying to make more ever since.

If I can find a job that paid more is what motivated me into a feeling of absolute despiration. Trusting in God went way to the way side causing me to dispair even more. It is only in learning to trust in God that I have begun to climb out of a pit. 2004 I almost got sent off to a war I don’t approve of and had to do some very despirate things to insure I wasn’t sent off. That lead to difficulty at my current job, but it first saved my job which I was still on probabation. And it save us from losing our home because of being forced into financial hardship that ultimately would have cost us our home. You’re not the only one that has had to bare his soul to get where you want to go. Not everyone has a rich daddy sending them to school. Welcome to the club.

Right now you ought to consider alternative teacher certification. First it will get you a job you despirately need. Then it will teach to the virtue of patience and humility. Children are difficult to deal with in crowds. I believe they should rename classrooms to crowdrooms. It would help you pay off loans while you discern a vocation…and who knows God might lead you to a caring loving devoted woman that loves God. My wife was Protestant…now she is Catholic. I realize you’re a convert, but you’re Catholic now. My Friar would tell you to learn to live out an ordinary life. If you want to see the one that told me that, he is currently attending Franciscan University for Counseling Certification and I believe he plans to further his education with a PhD… I don’t know about your spiritual direction either. You’re seeing the wrong people. And for crying out loud…stop BSing…tell those Friars the truth of what’s happening…Go spend some real time with them… It’s very likely some of them went through something similar. I lived at a monestary…Trust me…there are some that did not live what we call holy lives. But the order brought them closer to it.

Sin of Pride is a really bad thing. It’s got your ticket. You should take this to a confessor…find a good one by asking people. Find a good parish that you can get involved in. You’re just looking for ways out now according to you last post. Praying is your best bet.

Peace.