My problem with parties

[VeritasLuxMea]

I’m having a party thrown in my honor, which is really a great treat and I’m quite thankful. However, I always have 2 problems at parties.

Problem 1: I love talking (probably too much!) and I love people, but at heart, I’m an introvert. So I get very tired from prolonged social interaction.

Problem 2: Also, I’m not sure how to categorize this problem, but when I have prolonged social encounters I tend to get bored. Again, I don’t know how to describe the problem exactly but it’s like I need mental stimulation. If there’s too much small talk, I find myself bored.

It’s not the people that are the problem, I’d like them to stick around, it’s just that I would prefer to be doing something with them, rather than making chit chat. I’d much prefer to be playing a game with them (sport, card, board, whatever) instead.

So I’m looking forward to this party with equal parts excitement and dread. I’m sure the host would allow me some (name removed by moderator)ut into the party (which is of the backyard BBQ variety), so maybe we could figure a way to work in some optional activities. Then again, I’m the honoree, so I suspect that I will be expected to be chatting everyone up so I’m not sure that will help.
**
I guess I’m just wondering if any of you out there have either of these two problems. If so, is there anything you do to make it a little easier on yourself?**

 

[Catholic_Prime_1]

Look at it like you are learning from everyone,
so that in future situations you can apply learned
knowledge.

Of course what I do alot is, and it is fun is to lead the
conversation, let them start, find a topic you can agree
with it, using that topic relate something to it, change it
and then put the conversation where you want it to be,
something you can talk excessively about.

 

[boomerang]

Veritas, you sound just like me. You’re not alone. I find myself wanting to engage with others socially, but after a few minutes I can’t wait to end the conversation and go do something else. I get bored quickly with company, usually about 40 minutes is all I can take. I just accept it as my nature, but I do try to feign interest in the conversations so as not to appear rude. Sometimes it’s agony. I love intellectual stimulation, but I guess I’m just a loner at heart. And let’s face it, most people are boring, and small talk is the most boring of the boring. I’ve met few people that are so fascinating that they really hold my attention. Do you have a high I.Q.? Smart people tend to get bored quickly. There’s not much you can do with this situation (party). Just be gracious, it’ll be over before you know it.

 

[Clare2012]

I share this problem too - I find chit chat really difficult. I think people with high IQ’s and often those with Aspergers Syndrome find this. (Not that I’m suggesting you are the latter at all - though many of the worlds genius have been associated with this, for example Erik Satie, Gustav Mahler, Jane Austen, Van Gogh)

I agree with Boomerang - just be gracious, smile - and it’s ok if you just want to sit back and observe everyone else having fun and socialising. (I tend to slink over to the corner and do this - if not slink back home!) Perhaps regular toilet breaks if you really need an escape option from a tedious conversation! Don’t worry. It’s a short amount of time.

 

[mellowcalico]

I have the same “problem” (I don’t see being an introvert as a problem, the problem is all the extroverts who don’t “get” that you aren’t just like them), lol. There is a reason I keep my birthday a secret/ambiguous… that way no one can throw a party for me!

But the way you described yourself fits me to a tee. Usually at these kind of events, I find some kind of job to do that keeps me busy (like helping the host or hostess… then I can interact one-on-one with them instead of being drained by a big group). But of course, since this party is in your honor, you can’t really do that.

If I were you, I would do one of two things.

1. Suggest party games. Maybe google some, etc. Playing games distracts me and diverts from the boring chit chat. One fun game I like is when you are given the name of a celebrity or something and it’s taped to your back (you never see who it is). Then everyone at the party is supposed to treat you like that celebrity and you have to figure out who you are.

Then there are those murder mystery party games that you can buy. I never tried one, but they look interesting.

1. Suck it up and recognize that the party might be for you (in name/theory), but it’s really for the guests and people throwing it. I know that stinks, but that’s kind of the way things are when people don’t understand that not everyone is an extrovert who likes large parties, etc. Extroverts might find such events “fun” and relaxing but for introverts like us, it’s “work” and often draining.

 

[heart4home]

mes that you can buy. I never tried one, but they look interesting.

1. Suck it up and recognize that the party might be for you (in name/theory), but it’s really for the guests and people throwing it. I know that stinks, but that’s kind of the way things are when people don’t understand that not everyone is an extrovert who likes large parties, etc. Extroverts might find such events “fun” and relaxing but for introverts like us, it’s “work” and often draining.

No disrespect but I agree with this latter part. It’ s just one of those things you will have to endure and I do understand because I also find chit chat boring after a short time and going around and doing it over and over with each guest will likely be a drain on you, but you’ll get through it.

You could always suggest some games, like charades or something. Break into teams, then everybody can play a part.

Anyways, enjoy your special day, try to just take in each moment and know that “this too shall pass”…LOL

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Get really drunk and do all kinds of stupid stuff that will be put up on Youtube so THAT will be the subject of any and all future parties thrown in your honor.



Not really, just kidding. Well, at least you wouldn’t be bored.

I like parties when I am not the host. But yes, small talk is really REALLY boring. However, any extremely interesting stuff like religion, politics, etc. can cause fights, so we all try to avoid it in the interest of getting along with others we don’t necessarily know that well. You could discuss science, but you might segue into politics with that one too (global warming, depletion of the earth, etc.). If this is a graduation party, everyone is going to be giving you career advice, so that will be amusing. “Back in MY day…blah blah blah…”

Party games are for 8 year old birthday parties so, no to that one.

I guess if alcohol is being served at all, chances are good someone will overdo it and everyone can then make fun of that person…and draw straws to see who gets to drive him/her home…

I don’t think I’ve been that helpful to you. Sorry. Parties can be fun, sometimes, but when you can’t leave, since the party is in your behalf…

 

[Bataar]

I don’t go to parties or large social events for that very reason. I hate making small talk. If there’s something “to do” at the party, I might consider it, but if it’s just for talking uch:, you won’t find me there.

 

[johndelacruz]

I can relate with this - I really cannot stand parties “in my honor”, like a birthday party or graduation party or something - it comes down to not wanting to be the center of attention at all, and, like you said, having to interact with everyone on a superficial chit-chat level. I generally get bored talking (and listening) to people at length, and I think people get bored with me. I would much rather attend someone else’s birthday party, where I can be in the background and maybe find another kindred soul to talk about something more in depth.

I do enjoy talking, as long as the topic is interesting and meaningful, like religion, or history, or travel, or good books, etc - But most other guys in informal gatherings (even church groups) tend to talk about 1) the latest sports on TV 2) playing golf 3) their work or 4) beer. I am not interested or knowledgeable about any of these things. My job is in social services, which they don’t find compelling. Theirs is in something like banking, or building homes, or engineering etc, which end up being pretty dull after a while, since I can’t contribute much. I don’t watch much sports, don’t play golf, and don’t drink beer. I feel they get bored with me, as I am with their conversation. I try to fake interest, like someone mentioned, but that wears thin after a while.

But, I guess if you want an activity to avoid torturous small talk, then maybe suggest a large group game outside, like badmitton or volleyball - there are some sets that really are inexpensive for the backyard. If there are lots of kids there, that usually livens things up anyway.

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone.

I’m definitely going to “suck it up,” that was never at issue.

I’m glad to hear that I’m not “weird.” So at this point I’m just interested in coping strategies.

I think it makes a lot of sense to take regular 5-10 minute breaks to recharge, that will probably help a lot.

To answer the question of whether or not I have a high IQ, I would say: probably not. Probably average to below average. However while I might not have the best intellect, I do prefer intellectual conversations to drab, banal discussions. I would much rather be talking about epistemology and ethics than every day nonsense.

I grew up in a household with well-educated and extremely well-catechized parents, but they always denied my curiosity. So if I would pose a question about ethics or theology or anything else, they would always respond with silly remarks such as, “boy, the weather sure is nice today!” I think that’s one of the reasons that small talk is a pet peeve for me, because it reminds me of the way my parents always shut down my curiosity for the things that really matter.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Thanks for the thoughts, everyone.

I’m definitely going to “suck it up,” that was never at issue.

I’m glad to hear that I’m not “weird.” So at this point I’m just interested in coping strategies.

I think it makes a lot of sense to take regular 5-10 minute breaks to recharge, that will probably help a lot.

To answer the question of whether or not I have a high IQ, I would say: probably not. Probably average to below average. However while I might not have the best intellect, I do prefer intellectual conversations to drab, banal discussions. I would much rather be talking about epistemology and ethics than every day nonsense.

I grew up in a household with well-educated and extremely well-catechized parents, but they always denied my curiosity. So if I would pose a question about ethics or theology or anything else, they would always respond with silly remarks such as, “boy, the weather sure is nice today!” I think that’s one of the reasons that small talk is a pet peeve for me, because it reminds me of the way my parents always shut down my curiosity for the things that really matter.

Wow, Veritas. That literally had me To ask a question and be not only ignored, but denigrated by being SPECIFICALLY shut down…I am sitting here gawping at your parents! I always took my sons’ questions very seriously, no matter on what level of understand they were. The kind of non-response that your parents gave would just lead a person to give up, to never bother asking any questions at all, in fact, I probably would have never spoken another word to either of them if I could have helped it.



Wait, you became a teacher, right? So now you are helping children get answers to their questions…so the circle goes around…

 

[VeritasLuxMea]

Wow, Veritas. That literally had me To ask a question and be not only ignored, but denigrated by being SPECIFICALLY shut down…I am sitting here gawping at your parents! I always took my sons’ questions very seriously, no matter on what level of understand they were. The kind of non-response that your parents gave would just lead a person to give up, to never bother asking any questions at all, in fact, I probably would have never spoken another word to either of them if I could have helped it.

You sound like a great mother!

Yeah, that’s what troubles me the most about my childhood. It certainly caused me pain for a couple of reasons: first, that I knew my parents could engage me but chose not to, and second, that I was born a curious person and that wasn’t nurtured.

All things considered though, I got off easy. Many kids had it far worse than I did.

Wait, you became a teacher, right? So now you are helping children get answers to their questions…so the circle goes around…

I never really thought about it like that, but you’re right. I didn’t realize it at the time, but maybe that was a bit of a rebellion against my parents.

I consider that the most important aspect of my job: not necessarily giving kids answers, but getting them to ask more and more questions.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

You sound like a great mother!

Yeah, that’s what troubles me the most about my childhood. It certainly caused me pain for a couple of reasons: first, that I knew my parents could engage me but chose not to, and second, that I was born a curious person and that wasn’t nurtured.

All things considered though, I got off easy. Many kids had it far worse than I did.

I never really thought about it like that, but you’re right. I didn’t realize it at the time, but maybe that was a bit of a rebellion against my parents.

I consider that the most important aspect of my job: not necessarily giving kids answers, but getting them to ask more and more questions.

Even better, and what ALL parents should be doing…Keep asking those questions, it’s how we truly learn! I was fortunate that I was born curious, learned to read early and well (Thanks, Mom! ) and have been learning, reading, and still curious to this day! I would like to learn everything there is to learn in this world before God calls me home…Even when I know my brain is not able to understand, such as with quantum physics or astrophysics, I still want to try and understand. I just can’t help it.

One of my favorite quotes is, “Education is not the filling of a bucket, it’s the lighting of a fire.” Not common in any form of institutional education, but some teachers do spark that flame and blow on it…

 

[Luna_Lovecraft]

I’m having a party thrown in my honor, which is really a great treat and I’m quite thankful. However, I always have 2 problems at parties.

Problem 1: I love talking (probably too much!) and I love people, but at heart, I’m an introvert. So I get very tired from prolonged social interaction.

Problem 2: Also, I’m not sure how to categorize this problem, but when I have prolonged social encounters I tend to get bored. Again, I don’t know how to describe the problem exactly but it’s like I need mental stimulation. If there’s too much small talk, I find myself bored.

It’s not the people that are the problem, I’d like them to stick around, it’s just that I would prefer to be doing something with them, rather than making chit chat. I’d much prefer to be playing a game with them (sport, card, board, whatever) instead.

So I’m looking forward to this party with equal parts excitement and dread. I’m sure the host would allow me some (name removed by moderator)ut into the party (which is of the backyard BBQ variety), so maybe we could figure a way to work in some optional activities. Then again, I’m the honoree, so I suspect that I will be expected to be chatting everyone up so I’m not sure that will help.
**
I guess I’m just wondering if any of you out there have either of these two problems. If so, is there anything you do to make it a little easier on yourself?**

I struggle with General Anxiety Disorder and social phobia. As a result I detest big parties and refuse to participate in situations where I’d be the center of attention. So, the fact that you’re willing to have a party thrown in your honor gives you a huge leg up over me.

That said, were I you, I’d try to make sure there were enough interesting activities available so you don’t feel like you have to spend the afternoon standing around engaging in conversation. Croquette, horseshoes, cornhole, and badminton are a few outdoor-sy games guests can play. Lots of people like to play cards and dominoes.

Luna

 

[Bataar]

I just hate the idea of social norms. I remember a few years ago at my brother’s wedding reception, family members who I hadn’t seen in years, or even knew I had in some cases would come over and start asking me about my job. Now, the way my brain works, I know they’re not really interested in my job because if it was really something they were interested in, they could have called or emailed me at any time prior to that. Now, I don’t really like talking about my job (it’s boring) so having to repeat it over and over to different people just because they felt they had to follow the social norm and ask about it drove me nuts.

I told myself that if I ever have to go to something like that again, I’m just going to type up a flier that details what’s going on with me and print off a hundred or so and just keep them at my table. That way, when someone wants information about me, I can just give them a flier

 

[28562]

Not a problem for me…if I get bored or I am somewhere with people I don’t really have much in common with, I am sure that there is at least one of my kids that currently needs discipline, or needs to be found before they need discipline, or scraped a knee, or is hungry or thirsty, or just needs someone to play with…most likely, one of the first two options…

So, my solution for your problem: have some kids.

If that fails, it never hurts to be really good at BS’ing people.

 

[hannajomar]

I’m having a party thrown in my honor, which is really a great treat and I’m quite thankful. However, I always have 2 problems at parties.

Problem 1: I love talking (probably too much!) and I love people, but at heart, I’m an introvert. So I get very tired from prolonged social interaction.

Problem 2: Also, I’m not sure how to categorize this problem, but when I have prolonged social encounters I tend to get bored. Again, I don’t know how to describe the problem exactly but it’s like I need mental stimulation. If there’s too much small talk, I find myself bored.

First off, congrats on whatever they are throwing you a party for!

I experience your problem #1. I stay a way from alcohol and drink lots of coffee. It’s rough on me when they don’t serve coffee until dessert.
As for problem #2 - Well, I’ll chime in and say that I, too, detest small talk. Whenever someone starts talking about the weather, I feel like saying, “It’s hot outside? Really? Who would’ve expected that in July?” Why are we talking about something that everyone already knows about?

I am very introverted, and have even wondered if I might have aspergers or something. Fortunately, I came of age right before they started pasting a psychological label on everyone who doesn’t conform to every societal norm. (Nothing against anyone who needs professional help, but I definitely think that our current society over-diagnoses social disorders.)

If I can’t find people who like to talk about what I think is interesting (pretty much anything that’s not small talk), then I at least like to find someone who likes to talk a lot. I don’t have to think about what to say so much and I don’t feel so awkward. I’ll ask them a few open-ended questions and listen to what they have to say. Sometimes, they are pretty interesting. I try to stay away from awkward people like myself. It seems that the awkwardness just gets multiplied.

 

[Bataar]

Having Aspergers myself makes these events difficult. For me, talking is all about the exchange of information. If I don’t need to know it, I don’t need to ask it. That sort of thing makes it hard to meet new people on the fly because unless I already know something about them, I don’t know if they know anything I need/want to know. I had a friend try to coach me on it but it didn’t take. We were at a beach one time and there was a girl there with a dog (boxer). He suggested I go over to her and ask what kind of dog she had. I told my friend that it was a boxer. He rolled his eyes and said I should ask anyway. Well, to me, that seemed to be about the dumbest thing ever so he suggested I ask what its name was. I couldn’t figure out how that information would be useful so I didn’t have a need to ask it.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Having Aspergers myself makes these events difficult. For me, talking is all about the exchange of information. If I don’t need to know it, I don’t need to ask it. That sort of thing makes it hard to meet new people on the fly because unless I already know something about them, I don’t know if they know anything I need/want to know. I had a friend try to coach me on it but it didn’t take. We were at a beach one time and there was a girl there with a dog (boxer). He suggested I go over to her and ask what kind of dog she had. I told my friend that it was a boxer. He rolled his eyes and said I should ask anyway. Well, to me, that seemed to be about the dumbest thing ever so he suggested I ask what its name was. I couldn’t figure out how that information would be useful so I didn’t have a need to ask it.

I can relate so much to your story. I don’t have Asperger’s but to me it seems a lot better than all the pure drivel that most of us spew forth all of the time… The simple question of “Why do I need to know this?” would shut off the spigot of useless conversation…Of course it does tend to ruffle feathers…

 

[SecretaryMonday]

I just hate the idea of social norms. I remember a few years ago at my brother’s wedding reception, family members who I hadn’t seen in years, or even knew I had in some cases would come over and start asking me about my job. Now, the way my brain works, I know they’re not really interested in my job because if it was really something they were interested in, they could have called or emailed me at any time prior to that. Now, I don’t really like talking about my job (it’s boring) so having to repeat it over and over to different people just because they felt they had to follow the social norm and ask about it drove me nuts.

I told myself that if I ever have to go to something like that again, I’m just going to type up a flier that details what’s going on with me and print off a hundred or so and just keep them at my table. That way, when someone wants information about me, I can just give them a flier

I hate social norms too. (If enough people hated them, would that be the new social norm?) I learned how to do “Hi-how-are-you-I’m-well”, and that’s it; I’m all done, and the other person is just getting started…it would be nice to have a flier to hand out. Of course they don’t really want this information, they’re only pretending for obscure social purposes, but maybe the flier could double as a bookmark or a drink coaster.

When I attend social functions, its helpful to have something in my hand to make me look contented and busy, such as an appetizer or coffee. If the coffee has hot cocoa and a stir-stick in it, I can look even busier. (I’m not holding up the wall, being quiet and doing nothing. Instead, I’m being quiet and practising my tai-chi coffee skills.) Is there a bathroom nearby that you can hide in? There is almost always a good excuse to lock yourself in the bathroom - especially for me, as a female. Could you supervise some of the cooking? That way you could be ducking in and out of the kitchen, chatting if you wished and then vanishing. Or you could get one of those mail-order lollipops that have been pre-licked by children with viral infections, and apologize last-minute for being too sick to attend your own party.