My Problems with Courtship

[trayC123]

So far most of the comments stated have seemed relatively moderate regarding the issues of courtship. My ex-boyfriend’s mom was very much a firm believer in honorable courtship. I did not agree with the way she tried to “manage” her son’s relationship with me. She never liked us going on alone dates which I found pretty ridiculous especially since she had taken a good amount of time to get to know my values, etc. Whenever I would call for him, she’d always answer and say that she’d give him the message when she actually never did. This veyr much disappointed me because instead of encouraging us learning about each other, she played a “dictator”-like role in dampering our communication. I think I might feel differently if she was the mother of a daughter, but I think men in general really need to “break away” from mommy and start to make decisions on their own. I am 19 and he is 18, about to go away to college. I don’t think courtship the way she did was healthy…it was too involved and controlling and almost like a power trip. THe way the other posters described, like sullivansoul, Steph800 sound much more moderate and promising. I agree “dating” is a good way to pick and choose which qualities in guys you like and don’t like. One NEEDS dating in order to see what type of person they are compatible with. I have found it is such a learning process, especially learning about yourself.

 

[lizziebeth730]

Personally as a 24 year old single woman, if a guy came up to me and asked me for my father’s number so he could ask me out on a date… I’d turn around and run, not walk away.

If a guy my age approached me, and told me he was 24 and never had a girlfriend, everything after that sentence would go into my head sounding like Charlie Browns teachers “MWAH MWAHMUMUMUH MWAH” because I’d be noticing all the little red flags This guy is a mommas boy, this guy is gonna want me to stay at home and breed and do nothing on my own that he doesn’t pre approve of, He’s wierd, he’s a little anti social, he’s freaking me out, time to say I’m a lesbian!!!

 

[montanaman]

How is this such a confusing issue? I don’t think of myself as brilliant, but maybe I’ve stumbled onto something here. If people think of dating as endless hookups or hanging out, and courtship as quality time spent with some kind of possible end-goal in mind, it really clears up the confusion.

Look, I think of relationships as “courtship,” but that does NOT mean I’m going to avoid every single secular activity out there. I recently took a girl out for coffee (her suggestion–she’s really on the bean), then taught her to shoot pool while I had a couple of beers, (yet, she doesn’t drink), and then took her to a nice restaurant on the Potomac where we could watch sailboats and watch the sun go down. It was perfect. It’s all very innocent, forward-thinking, and IT WASN’T BORING. She had a great time, and since we’ve been hiking, had more romantic dinners, and I even got her mean dog to like me.

Maybe that’s where the confusion is coming from. People think of courtship as “boring.” Well, if your idea of getting to know someone is seeing what his/her bedroom looks like with your clothes hanging from lampshades, than yes, courtship is most definitely boring. But, if it’s getting to know someone with fun activities, good conversations and a little bit of smooching, courtship is for you.

 

[renee1258]

The underlying problem is a reactionary response to hooking up, in which the realtionship is all focused on the physical not companionship. Courtship through parents takes away the concept of companionship.

I love my in-laws and my husband loves my parents, but there is a reason why my husband and I take two cars visiting them. When one has had enough the can leave discreetly, by preplanning an errand as the other gets to stay with their parents. My husband and I married each, not each other’s family. We have an autonomy above their constant nosey-ness. Dating should be one on one, public and engaging learning about individuality.

Sorry about being passionate about this subject, but I wouldn’t want any well intended parent driving their children away from the Faith.

 

[buffalo]

I have read several of the courtship books before I shared them with my children. I didn’t see the idea of Mom and Dad making their decisions. They did promote seeking Mom and Dad’s opinion of the person, not leaving them out. By being around family another aspect of a person can be observed.

The themes all center around putting yourself in situations that will not lead to the physical, which blurs learning about the other person. Intimacy before friendship leads to hurt.

They promote the dignity of the person, and what you lose by giving it away.

 

[JCPhoenix]

I’ve really enjoyed reading this thread.

Being as I’m 30, female, and have been through the dating grinder, I’d like to share some of my insights.

I really do think that “dating” and “courtship” are very similar terms to some of us, but after reading the posts, believe that I would define COURTSHIP as “Dating one person for the purpose of marriage.” Or someting like that.

I broke up with a boyfriend of 3 years or so a couple years ago. I haven’t gone out on a date since. I thought I had high standards before…now I have a completely different idea of the acceptable man.

Here’s what I want in a potential marriage partner (male):

1. Catholic! Devout, orthodox, true believer, practicing Catholic! I think everyone can understand the totality here and why. Nuff said.
2. I want to be with someone who loves animals and can accept the fact that I will always have s soft spot for shelter pets, and my home will always be full of them.
3. I want to be wiht someone who loves to hike and experience nature.
4. Someone with a sense of adventure (Example; someone who won’t go into a complete panic when we get stuck on top of Camelback Mountain at dusk with a severe storm upon us and have to stumble down the mountain in the dark on slippery rocks. And that person needs to be able to laugh and joke through and about the experience. --yes, this happened to me)
5. Someone who wants to go to the zoo; the racetrack (horses), horseback riding, camping, movies, restaurants, church, Bible studies…walking around the lakes on a fall evening or drizzly spring afternoon…etc. The list is long and in encompasses everyday life.
6. Someone who understands the need to stay inside and be isolative now and then.
7. a best friend for life.

What I’ve learned is that one cannot have romance without friendship, or friendship without mutual respect. The bonds that last are forged by God and strengthened by God.

We all have our “shopping lists” and really, they are necessary. How will you know what you are looking for unless you have a general idea? There’s so much more than what I wrote, and I think that while we single people discern marriage, we also need to pray for discernment as to how to recognize that person God means for us.

Dating does not really allow so much for the purpose as some have pointed out…but at the same time, we will never recognize our shopping lists unless we spend a little time in innocent dating or friendship with like-minded people. There are a lot of “frogs” but thre are some “gems” as well…and it’s up to the indivdual to figure out who is who.

I really hope my post has been helpful more than confusing!

 

[Tanais]

JCPhoenix:

1. Catholic! Devout, orthodox, true believer, practicing Catholic! I think everyone can understand the totality here and why. Nuff said.

I must say, after dating an Episcopalian for awhile (long enough to surprise my peers) I’ve realized if I do date again, I will make she is a devout, orthodox Catholic. It seems just to work out better that way. My ex-girlfriend complained about not being able to receive Eucharist with me at my parish and other stuff. From now on, only Catholics please!

 

[Daria]

montanaman:

Well, if your idea of getting to know someone is seeing what his/her bedroom looks like with your clothes hanging from lampshades, than yes, courtship is most definitely boring. But, if it’s getting to know someone with fun activities, good conversations and a little bit of smooching, courtship is for you.

But, see, to me that sounds like dating. Now, when I was in college, the complaint was that people didn’t “date.” Like others have said, they just hung out or hooked up or both.

Looking back, I’ve been in some relationships that were probably destined not to go anywhere–long term relationship with guy who wouldn’t marry me unless I converted to Judaism (I wasn’t religious at the time), most recently long term relationship with guy who was divorced, so on. But that doesn’t mean they weren’t intended by me to be going somewhere, were they to work out.

Not that I have any answers. At the moment I seem to be avoiding dating, since I haven’t figured out how to deal with the complications.

 

[trayC123]

I don’t think any relationship that someone has with another individual is a “waste” of time or useless. Even those relationships that did not last very long or worse the ones that did for no obvious reason–the ones where afterwards you wonder to yourself “what was I thinking?” However God obviously has a plan for each one of us. And people do not come into our lives randomly. No, each person that comes and goes in our lives were meant to do that. It’s part of His plan. Either we learn something about ourselves, our life, or can actually be a good example for that other person…no kinda of relationship is without value. I think this may be encouraging to know when we’re dating guys that just don’t seem to be meeting our standards. Don’t give up and immediately think that “oh maybe God wants us to me a nun.” God very well may be taking His time with you, wanting you to learn things first before that special someone enters your life. Whenever I start “liking” a guy I always go in Adoration to talk to Jesus just so I truly allow him to come into the relationship that may be forming with another individual. I want HIS opinion and this way I feel a little less alone and more confident that I’m not just “wasting” my time with another individual.