My really reallllly stupid question about marriage

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There are many marriages out there like the one you describe. If you are praying constantly God will put you in the “right” place to meet the man of his (God’s) choice. TAKE YOUR TIME!!! Do every thing in God’s time. I pray you will turn fo God for guidance. I have to say that my marriage seems much like the one you describe. I still do not despair because I work hard for the Lord while working hard for the family. I did not marry a Catholic and over time our differences have become challenges. His expectations of a wife and mother are very different than what Sacred Scripture describes. I have learned to lean on God and Jesus as my Savior. Please be careful with your choice of a spouse but try not to focus on the negative marriages. Marriage is a sacrament and a beautiful vocation. One that will hopefully lead into a second vocation of motherhood. This society seems to forget that our purpose on earth is to help each other get to heaven. Especially our spouses and children Even if your marriage is not perfect you can use the difficult times as a chance to get closer to Jesus by suffering for him. I guess what I’m trying to say is to be dicerning and pray constantly before marrying. (After too) but know that marriage is work, work for our Lord and no matter what situation you find yourself in he can deliver you and make things right. Be the best wife you can be when and if you do get married and read Sacred Scripture daily. Proverbs has a beautiful description of what a wife should be.
God Bless you in this journey!
 
When I met my DH, I was mesmerized by the fact that his faith was deeper than mine, both in thought and deed. I was so used to dating boys–yes, boys, not real men–that were wishy-washy about their faith and just accepting their lack of conviction as the reality of what is out there today. I prayed to our Father, asking Him to lead me especially to the one whom God had designed for all of eternity to be mine. 🙂 Finally, in my future spouse, I saw the potential for a spiritual leader.

I didn’t know that God would ask me to move 1200 miles to be with the man whom He had prepared for me. 🙂 But He DID ask, and I chose to say yes. I am so thankful for the spiritual gifts he provided to me for the journey. It was rough!

For all the struggle, the rewards are far greater. My husband cherishes me. Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night to him stroking my hair in his sleep. 🙂 Each day I am told how much I mean to him–either in notes he leaves around the house for me to find, or by simply pointing at me and saying, “YOU are loved. YOU are precious to me.” It’s a cute little habit of his… 😉

Aside from working a full time job, my husband is active in both sports and in our parish. But each day he makes time to do the dishes and a chore or two around the house. Tonight, for instance, he came home about 5:30pm, exercised with me, showered, left to go to a doctor’s appointment, returned about 7:30pm, put in a load of laundry, vaccumed our entire two bedroom living space (I was cooking dinner) and then sat down to eat with me. After doing the dishes together, we ended up lounging on our living room floor, having a deep discussion about the direction God is leading our marriage.

I married my best friend. I married a man I never tire of talking to. He is beautiful, both inside and out. No matter what happens, good or bad, it is my husband whom I can’t wait to tell. We live for God and we live for one another. Most importantly, I know that I have a spiritual leader to guide me through life and whose one goal is to see that I obtain salvation.

I don’t want to pretend that marriage isn’t hard work. We have had many tears (and much laughter) in getting to the place we are now, and we have only been married one year. I can only expect there will be more ups and downs in the future, but in the end I expect it to have been worth the effort–the joy I have in loving my husband is indescribable. The worth I feel in being loved by a holy man is simply astonishing. Sometimes, when I catch myself complaining about the little things that really don’t matter, I take a step back and consider the big picture. Counting my blessings would be tantamount to the impossible task of numbering the stars.

If you are called to married life, God will give you your spouse. Just be open to receiving the gift. My mother taught me to pray, from the time I was a very little girl, “Lord, please prepare the mind, heart, body and soul of my future husband. Keep him safe, healthy, happy and close to You.” I prayed this little prayer for years and YEARS. Ask and you shall receive.

God is so good and He often gives us more than we could ever possibly imagine. I remember telling my best friend about my future husband and saying, “It’s as if I wrote out on a sheet of paper exactly what I wanted in a spouse someday, and instead of just giving me what I asked for, God upgraded my version considerably.”

Please know there are marriages out there based on love and friendship. If anything, my husband is better NOW than when we were dating–because we all continue to grow spiritually.
 
…She practically has to sacrafice a goat to get Dad to take the garbage out and even then it only happens rarely…

Hold it right there pilgrim. My guy-husband handbook says that we are not to take out the garbage for anything less than a chicken sacrifice. Therefore your goat hypothetical should be enough to get the trash taken out.
 
Hold it right there pilgrim. My guy-husband handbook says that we are not to take out the garbage for anything less than a chicken sacrifice. Therefore your goat hypothetical should be enough to get the trash taken out.
Amen :amen:

Although, I married a man who takes out the trash with no squabble, except when he is ill and I want to do it for him.:love:
He came ready to love dinner leftovers for lunch at work, responsible for trash and other duties, and he can even cook and do laundry.

I thank my mother-in-law for all she had done to raise her son so well.

BTW, I don’t like sports so I was able to find a man who didn’t like sports.

We married our best friends. It is a concept I recommend – on the condition that one find a friend of the other sex.👍
 
My husband is NOTHING like the sloth you described and, furthermore, he was his same self when we were dating.

I agree with the notion that people don’t necessarily go poof when you marry; it is love’s blinders that cause us to not see clearly the writing on the wall.

For instance, if you have ever dated a guy whose apartment was a mess and all the clutter really bothered you…then I would assume this is how he would be in marriage. Some people are just sloppier than others and have a higher tolerance for junk.

If you don’t, then you need to consciously seek out someone with similar values.

My husband does (on a daily basis) the dishes, gives the kids a bath, puts their pj’s on and we both put them in bed. On a semi-regular basis he does laundry and takes the trash out. He does all the maintenance on the cars and the yard.
Whatever else needs to be done, I ask him, and he is doing it within 10 seconds.

He is an outstanding husband and I am very very lucky to have found him. These men do exist; you just have to look hard for someone with like values as yourself and PRAY.
I can’t say, with any truth, that I deliberately chose H for his stellar housekeeping skills–it was more coincidence than anything else–but I am so glad he is who he is!

Good luck,
Carrie
 
No no no! Your marriage will not be that way- you will choose carefully.

I think it was Renee who described what sounds like my house. My dh does not ever sit and watch TV while I work, ever. Our general way of doing things is very balanced, we both do a lot around here, when one of us is sick of stressed, the other happily picks up the slack to make things better. There is a lot of give and take. My husband is far from lazy, sometimes I have to remind him to sit and rest for a bit. He is great with our kids and treats me wonderfully.

There are men like this out there, my brother being one, he is going to make someone a great husband (if he can just find the right girl), he is very hardworking and kind, and good with kids. So, yes, the kind of man you are hoping exists does. Good men are out there, chose carefully and be a good wife when the time comes. It is sad that you have not seen good examples, but rest assured, there are many happy, balanced marriages out there. 😃
 
"Hold it right there pilgrim. My guy-husband handbook says that we are not to take out the garbage for anything less than a chicken sacrifice. Therefore your goat hypothetical should be enough to get the trash taken out."

Hmmmm, maybe that’s where some have gone wrong.

You guys/gals are giving me some hope… Maybe coming from a non-christian alcholic family background has given me a warped idea about marriage. Birds of a feather flock together so all I’d see were other non-christian alchoholic families.

Something to think about!
 
MichelleTherese said:
**"**Birds of a feather flock together so all I’d see were other non-christian alchoholic families.
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Oh, that’s different then…:hmmm: … NOT :eek: . You have to decide to break the cycle. You can do it with the Lords help. If you are willing to settle for a non-christian alchololic husband, then you will bet one. YES, others will mock you and laugh at you and say, “OH, look at Michelle, she thinks she is too good for us.”

Which infact, they will actually be jellious and want what you have or trying to achieve. You may loose some friends, even some boyfriends, but you are trying to be the woman God has intended you to be. There is a Ministry called Singles for Christ (SFC) which has the men I described in an earlier posting. as you say Birds of a feather … well, you are right… But instead of setteling, try a different flock.

If you want more information about SFC in your are, please let me know.
 
Yes, I think it is very important for people to discern carefully the type of person they want to marry. The bottom line is this: the chances of a successful marriage skyrocket when you marry someone who sincerely shares the same faith and values. If you’re a faithful orthodox catholic, it means that you have to be discriminating well in advance of marriage. If the person you are dating disagrees with you on fundamental issues like abortion, contraception, and other moral values then I would head for the door. Yes, there’s a chance that they will change and convert to your value system but there’s also a good chance that it will become a huge wedge issue in your marriage if you go that route. A true faithfully catholic man would likely not shirk his family responsibilities like the individual you described in your post. He would be caring and self-giving in imitation of Christ and as an expression of his faith - this is the type of man you need to find. You may have to look a lot harder than most people in this secular culture but it will be worth it.
 
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BLB_Oregon:
Huh? My husband is king multi-tasker. I, on the other hand, have days when I need a list to do two things at once.

Every man, every woman is a different creature. Read what you can about what women are like and what are men are like, how they think… there are trends, no doubt about it. But use that information as a way to understand how your mate may think and act in ways that you would never imagine thinking and acting yourself. It doesn’t matter what the majority of men do. It only matters what yours does.
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Same here, I know of very few marriages like the one you described. My husband is the best he does all the grocery shopping, clothes shopping for both of us including the grandchildren, does all the Christmas shopping, laundry cooking etc. Do I mind taking out the garbage never! Do I nag him to take out the garbage never! Marriage is a 50/50 deal, and of course everyone has a bad day but you work with what you have, and as another poster said marriage is sacrificial, but so is any other vocation in life.
 
Hello MichelleTherese,

I used to have the same concern that you had prior to meeting my husband. I had gone to counselling. My counselor was an excellent catholic counselor. He taught me to forgive the men in my life and all the images of ‘bad men’ on tv. At first this seemed too simple and like ok I’m done now … now what. until about a year later at Mass when the priest held up the Host - it all clicked and made sense. think back on why certain persons who have destroyed the image of men and husband have become that way and forgive them. Then get yourself into a GOOD catholic group. This can be hard to do - search in neighboring states if you have too. Make sure they have a good spiritual director. I belong to the Collegium (formerly known as Disciples of John Paul II) in Deptford, NJ. Its awesome. Surround yourself with good examples of people who protray good images of husband and wife and man and woman. Also pray the sorrows of Mary and try to go to Mass as often as possible. You can find the sorrows of Mary online. I found it so excellent. Its like ok Mary is so like distant but now because you’re praying Her sorrows you are walking with Her and getting to know her. She must have been surrounded by alot of bad examples of patriarchal abuses in the world she lived in, of course not St. Joseph. Ask Her to show you the way and go to Mass and confession and then follow the promptings of your heart as long as it isn’t extreme - then get a good spiritual advisor. More and more I’ve found that the spiritual is powerful and Mary can be such a companion. You can find the sorrows and joys of St. Joseph on the web too and get to know him as well. Its really something when you walk with the Holy Family daily. I highly recommend it. Its really changed my life!
 
"search in neighboring states if you have too"

My neighboring states are Canada and Russia hehehe 🙂
 
Your parent’s marriage is not typical - but there are elements that are not uncommon at all. I think a lot of men do come home and veg out in the evening. I think women often work harder than men. Even if you’re a SAHM. My dad told me “A man works from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done.” It’s a fact of life that when my husband comes home from work, he gets to look forward to an evening of unwinding and relaxing, but I am simply starting my second shift. There is time for me to unwind and relax, too (I am online right now, obviously!) But, it’s just different for us. I tend to pick up energy in the evening and whirl around, tidying up and I am always the one to put our kid to bed. About an hour after eating dinner, my husband starts to pass out. He, too, will sleep on the sofa until I pry him off it. Sometimes, I just let him sleep there. Why not? He’s a grown man and he pays the bills around here. He can sleep on the porch if that’s what he wants to do. shrug

Another thing: some guys don’t care as much about housekeeping as we do. If you can, try to marry a man who isn’t a slob. If he’s content to sit in front of the telly and eat cold cereal for supper, and he’s never bothered to iron a shirt in his life, the chances are that he’s not going to see why you’re working so hard to keep a clean home. I mean, I iron our sheets and my husband’s shirts. I iron the sheets because they get ridiculously wrinkled in the wash and that bothers me. I iron his shirts because it bugs me to see him go to work a rumpled mess. But, he had a career and a perfectly good life before I came along - wearing rumpled shirts and sleeping on sheets that weren’t only wrinkled, but also only got changed every couple of months or so. So, if I whine about how tired I am from standing at the ironing board, he’ll just say, “Nobody told you to iron,” and then turn his attention back to the TV. He does care about his food - he REALLY appreciates all the work that goes into my cooking! If I need a kitchen gadget or exotic ingredient, he doesn’t complain about the costs! 😉

Sometimes, I get a bit resentful that he doesn’t do more around the house. But, he never gets resentful that I don’t earn more money. And, he does do things. He always washes the dishes after dinner. If I specifically ask him to help with something at the time I want it done, he’ll cheefully do it. If he doesn’t notice that the trash stinks and doesn’t take it out, I will be annoyed, sure. But, if it’s important enough I can do it, myself. Or, I can tolerate the stink until he’s around to ask.

My husband is a rather passive, lethargic guy. Those same qualities go hand-in-hand with gentleness, patience, and kindness. He’s very loving. He puts up with my anxious, crabby, high-strung self. Sure, I wish he’d jump up off the couch and DO more on the weekends (he turns into The Blob on weekends) but I just have to accept this about him and remember to praise him for his many good qualities.

Anyway, not all marriages are like you describe at all.
 
Nope. But you can’t just go out and marry any ol’ guy. My husband was never like that even when I worked full time. I now am pimarily a stay at home mom (work less then 10 hours a week most weeks) and he still helps out tremendously. None of my friends have marriages like that either.

Before you ever walk down that aisle you have to talk about expections. So many people never address most of these issues until after the wedding.

I can’t imagine not being married. My husband and I are best friends -it’s been almost 16 years since I said I do -and I can’t imagine my life without him by my side.
 
MichelleTherese said:
Is this what happens? You date a guy and have a great engagement and then POOF Dad becomes a sloth and mom has to work a job (so Dad can have “toys”) and then slave away when she gets home?
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No, men do not “poof” into undesirable mates. Character flaws rarely spontaneously generate. They are there all along. Many women choose to ignor red flags, do not properly discern marriage, marry someone who has different values and goals than they, etc.

I suggest a couple of books: Date or Soul Mate by Dr. Neil Clark Warren, and For Better Forever by Dr. Greg Popcak.
 
katybird said:
Your parent’s marriage is not typical - but there are elements that are not uncommon at all. I think a lot of men do come home and veg out in the evening. I think women often work harder than men. Even if you’re a SAHM. My dad told me “A man works from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done.” It’s a fact of life that when my husband comes home from work, he gets to look forward to an evening of unwinding and relaxing, but I am simply starting my second shift…

Another thing: some guys don’t care as much about housekeeping as we do. If you can, try to marry a man who isn’t a slob. If he’s content to sit in front of the telly and eat cold cereal for supper, and he’s never bothered to iron a shirt in his life, the chances are that he’s not going to see why you’re working so hard to keep a clean home. I mean, I iron our sheets and my husband’s shirts. I iron the sheets because they get ridiculously wrinkled in the wash and that bothers me. I iron his shirts because it bugs me to see him go to work a rumpled mess. But, he had a career and a perfectly good life before I came along - wearing rumpled shirts and sleeping on sheets that weren’t only wrinkled, but also only got changed every couple of months or so. So, if I whine about how tired I am from standing at the ironing board, he’ll just say, “Nobody told you to iron,” and then turn his attention back to the TV. He does care about his food - he REALLY appreciates all the work that goes into my cooking! If I need a kitchen gadget or exotic ingredient, he doesn’t complain about the costs! 😉

Sometimes, I get a bit resentful that he doesn’t do more around the house. But, he never gets resentful that I don’t earn more money. And, he does do things. He always washes the dishes after dinner. If I specifically ask him to help with something at the time I want it done, he’ll cheefully do it. If he doesn’t notice that the trash stinks and doesn’t take it out, I will be annoyed, sure. But, if it’s important enough I can do it, myself. Or, I can tolerate the stink until he’s around to ask.

My husband is a rather passive, lethargic guy. Those same qualities go hand-in-hand with gentleness, patience, and kindness. He’s very loving. He puts up with my anxious, crabby, high-strung self. Sure, I wish he’d jump up off the couch and DO more on the weekends (he turns into The Blob on weekends) but I just have to accept this about him and remember to praise him for his many good qualities.

Anyway, not all marriages are like you describe at all.
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Some great points.
My rule of housework: In the absence of formal agreements, 80% of housework will be done by the person in the house with the highest standards. This is independent of gender. The only foiling factor is in marital situations (as opposed to roommates) where one of the “standards” is that “For thus and so reason, that is not my job.” Then there is fighting or resentment, instead.

I read a book awhile back titled, “The Second Shift” that examined who did the housework in two wage-earner families. The author split them up into three groups based on the husband’s attitude toward having the wife work: traditional (she should be at home if possible, and I should bring home the bacon), liberal (of course, her desire to work outside the home is no different than mine), and intermediate (she can work or stay home, whatever she wants to do.)

The men who did the most of the daily-routine real-time housework–the cooking and child care, as opposed to the intermittent “guy” stuff that can be done when it fits in the schedule, like cleaning gutters or even doing laundry–were the traditional men. They felt that their wife was having to do their job, so it was only right that they helped her with hers.

The men who did the least of this kind of work were the intermediate group. They saw her choice to work as her choice. If it made her job of housekeeping harder…well, that was her choice.

Another interesting finding was that when wives went to work, their husbands often picked up* more* outside responsibilities. Apparently, they thought that if they were going to have to be working at home, anyway, they may as well add hours at work and advance themselves in the bargain.

If you don’t want to get stuck with the work around home, find a guy who does not think it is your job that he is willing to “help” with, let alone just plain your job. Keep in mind, though: if the traditional women’s work is not just yours, the work of supporting the family through paid work is not just his. You split it up as the two of you decide…and you come to an agreement as to what the standards are together, too. If he doesn’t have your standards, you can’t complain that he isn’t willing to put in the effort that you are in order to maintain them.
 
totally depends on the type of man you married. My sister married a guy JUST like you are describing, except hes a jerk to top it off. my husband has his male pig ways but its not all bad. I do the majority of the housework but he does help out when hes home by not leaving a big gigantic mess in the house (on most days anyway) when you find the person you want to marry just make sure your expectations are clear. your values are clear and that way you get what you want in a husband and not what you loathe. but yes marriage is a lot of hard work, but it can be such a joy at the same time.
 
Riley259 said:
Yes, I think it is very important for people to discern carefully the type of person they want to marry. The bottom line is this: the chances of a successful marriage skyrocket when you marry someone who sincerely shares the same faith and values. If you’re a faithful orthodox catholic, it means that you have to be discriminating well in advance of marriage. If the person you are dating disagrees with you on fundamental issues like abortion, contraception, and other moral values then I would head for the door. Yes, there’s a chance that they will change and convert to your value system but there’s also a good chance that it will become a huge wedge issue in your marriage if you go that route. A true faithfully catholic man would likely not shirk his family responsibilities like the individual you described in your post. He would be caring and self-giving in imitation of Christ and as an expression of his faith - this is the type of man you need to find. You may have to look a lot harder than most people in this secular culture but it will be worth it.
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I totally agree. I had set a criteria when looking for the man I wanted to marry. Of course, he had to be the same faith as me (Catholic) did not smoke, did not drink. I prayed a lot and I was introduced to my husband. I believe God had everything to do with me meeting and marrying him. He is the best! We have been married for 20yrs. and we had disagreements through the years, but what marriage had not. I think marriage is a partnership and in order for two people to connect and stay together it takes work, and also it helps if you share the same values, and faith. IMO
 
Hi Mitchelle,

I agree with Davis and some of the members. would advice you to visit our webbsite www.cfcglobalmission.org, cfcsinglesforchrist.org. You can check with any CFC member in your area, you can join our family/community under SINGLES FOR CHRIST(SFC) ministry.

Believe you will learn something.

All the best

Mary:)
 
Fortunately not all men are couch-sitting, bottom-scratching bums. In fact, I’d venture to guess that many aren’t. Marry a man who isn’t afraid of the kitchen, or ashamed to be seen in it–ideally one who has already lived on his own for a few years and done his own cooking/cleaning, etc, without asking his mom or a maid to help him. That’s what I did, anyway, and he’s still the guy I got engaged to. 🙂
 
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