My relationship with my former parish priest

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My husband has suspected something when I woke up at 1 am to call him and make sure that he had arrive safely from vacation. He asked me if I was on the phone with Fr. ? I stated yes he was driving and I wanted to make sure he stayed awake. He simply stated that I didnt show this much interest in other Pastors and left it at that. I am not saying that I am not willing to cut him off. I am saying it is a process. Each week less communication and then it will be none.
 
*As everyone has stated, just cut this off as soon as possible. Plus, you’re married. Having an affair ‘of the mind’ is not fair to your husband, either. Stay focused on Christ, and don’t take your eyes from Him. Praying for you, and this priest.

PS–I don’t think you should inform the Bishop. You encouraged this. :o Not like this priest kept advancing, and you told him no. I think that would not be the wise road to take. Cut things off, and tell this priest you mean it. If he becomes stalking in nature, then I’d notify the Bishop. But not unless that happens. Again, praying for you. *
 
always_catholic said:
My husband has suspected something when I woke up at 1 am to call him and make sure that he had arrive safely from vacation. He asked me if I was on the phone with Fr. ? I stated yes he was driving and I wanted to make sure he stayed awake. He simply stated that I didnt show this much interest in other Pastors and left it at that. I am not saying that I am not willing to cut him off. I am saying it is a process. Each week less communication and then it will be none.
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You and the priest have already had a detrimental effect on each other’s lives. You have also possibly had a detrimental effect on your husband. Who knows who else knows about this or has had suspicions.

Right now, pick a day this week for the total cutoff of the relationship and communication between the two of you. For the future good of both your souls – do it. By continuing on and “slowly” cutting it off you are keeping him from total dependance on Christ. By continuing it you are contributing to a near occasion of sin for him and for you.

It’s unfortunate, but because you both slipped into something that shouldn’t have happened, the best thing to do is cut it off totally cold turkey. NOW!

May the Holy Spirit grant the both of you the strength and peace to cope and grow from this situation. My prayers are with you both.
 
Sounds like you are rationalizing away your behavior.

Imagine your husband having intimate converstations with another woman. How would you feel? Imagine your husband sharing photos with another woman. How would you feel? Imagine your husband slowly weaning himself from this but still remaining “friends” with this woman. How would you feel?

It sounds as if you have no respect for your husband, since you are treating him so poorly by continuing this illicit relationship with a PRIEST.
 
always_catholic said:
we have been communicating now for about a week on a friendly basis. Nothing explicit. We are both getting through this but know that it can’t be anything else. HE wants to make sure that I can remain in his life and that is why we have changed the nature of this relationship. Am I being naive in thinking this is possible?
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It’s beyond the point of no return…it can never be “healthy”. He is having a hard time letting go as you are…there is no way to make this right except to walk away and leave him in God’s care. This change of the nature of the relationship is only temporary, you know that in your heart and so does he. He would probably be better off getting some counseling…

The only example I can think of to give is this: I am a recovering alcoholic and I realize that it is God’s grace that is keeping me sober and guiding my through my recovery…now if one day I start thinking…well if God is doing this for me surely He will make it so I can drink socially. That is my first mistake. I know that God will not do that for me…I’m just lying to myself. Your relationship with this priest is just as unhealthy for you as alcohol is for me.

I think you’re playing fire…
 
always_catholic said:
My husband has suspected something when I woke up at 1 am to call him and make sure that he had arrive safely from vacation. He asked me if I was on the phone with Fr. ? I stated yes he was driving and I wanted to make sure he stayed awake. He simply stated that I didnt show this much interest in other Pastors and left it at that. I am not saying that I am not willing to cut him off. I am saying it is a process. Each week less communication and then it will be none.
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Take it from someone who was in a similar situation. I could not just cut it off like everyone here suggested. But in retrospect, that’s exactly what I needed to do.

You have feelings for this priest and you will not lose them no matter how hard you try or how much you tell yourself you don’t. As a matter of fact, giving yourself the excuse that you can’t just push his tears away is that - just an excuse. Love is hard sometimes and you know that you have to stop this abruptly. However, you need to find another priest to confess this to and discuss with, so they can help you spiritually because YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE. You’ve gotten yourself in too deep already by convincing yourself and letting him convince you that you can’t just stop abruptly.

God will get you through this, but you have to give Him a chance. By thinking you can do this yourself at a slow pace is not giving Him the chance to heal you both. And the last thing I need to remind you is even though you “didn’t sleep with him” you are still mortally sinning. And you are contininuing a relationship that you know deep down will cause a catastrophe in both your lives.

I know, I’ve been there. And the catastrophe was far worse in the end than if I had just stopped it abruptly towards the beginning. Seek out spiritual help and then STOP.

Simple solution, but very difficult in practice, so I pray for God to give you strength.

God Bless
You and the priest will be in my prayers.
Snert
 
It is very easy for everyone to say just cut it off but very hard. I do care about him very much. I will confess but think we can remain friends. Or shall I say hope!
 
I know a woman who got into a relationship while she was married. Did not think it would be found out. Kept stringing it along. It was found out.

Divorce and that whole mess. Hell on earth.

Think of the children. Think of the family.

Think of the marriage vows that last till death. God doesn’t let people out of these.

End it quickly and -carefully- and ASAP.

I don’t advocate deceit but I do advocate saving families. Think about what your life would be like if there is one single mistake. There already have been some small ones haven’t there?

End it before it’s too late. Hell on earth. Hell in the next. No one believes it till it happens.

Don’t mean to be too harsh, but… Surgery hurts but it saves lives.

And clean up after yourself on the computer too.
 
always_catholic said:
It is very easy for everyone to say just cut it off but very hard. I do care about him very much. I will confess but think we can remain friends. Or shall I say hope!
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No its not easy. But I can guarntee you that is you to try tom maintain this realtionship inb any way it will end in complete and absolute disaster
 
I’ve always hung onto relationships too long in the past, and always in retrospect said, “I should’ve ended this sooner.” or even 'This should have never begun."

My sentimentality was always a mistake rather than a virtue… a good feeling that was anything but good, that did harm and wasted time and grief…

Looking at things objectively and rationally rather than subjectively and emotionally… would’ve saved my heart and life a lot of harm. Now I like to think I’ve gotten beyond that. It’s best to learn from others mistakes and not the hard way. 🙂

The are other people on earth. And other people to take care of other people on earth. We are not meant to ‘be there’ for quite a few people we fool ourselves into thinking we’re ‘necessary’ for. We’re not. I should never have dragged things out.
 
I agree with everyone ~ but do not tell anyone ~ just end it period
lou
 
From now on, cc your husband on every email and only speak to this man when your husband is in the room.

Friends do not do things they are ashamed to do in public.
 
Goodnight from here.

Remember to delete your browser history.

Remember that Christ died on the cross for our sins.

We must not crucify Him any further.

We must return like prodigals children to Him, repentant.
 
always_catholic said:
It is very easy for everyone to say just cut it off but very hard. I do care about him very much. I will confess but think we can remain friends. Or shall I say hope!
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It’s best if you end it. Best for him, best for you. Priests are human, and many are very lonely people as to interpersonal relationships one on one, but that is way of life that is directed unto their vocation. They are starved and have to remember their vocation’s rules or leave it. Many have fun and enjoy free time and have a circle of friends and hobbies. Your working relationship turned personal with him. If you can’t find a way to cut it off cold turkey, just do not respond, be very distant and if he persists, then perhaps go to a Bishop and speak to him about your being troubled without naming names such as we’d do in confession. His direction or suggestion will probably be the same as most of those here but perhaps you need that from higher up clergy to help end a very too close relationship with a priest and you’re a married woman which makes it all the more reason to knock it off with him. Let him find someone else who will play ball to whatever extreme he wants.
If he wants a friend, tell him to get a dog. I’m quipping, but you get my drift.
Best regards with blessings you can move on from this burden of being on the fence.

NAC
 
We do not email each other. We speak on the phone and send text messages. I do not see him he is 3 hours away. Neither one of us have pushed the issue of seeing each other. It is more of a cyber / telephone relationship. Even as we text today it is about sports or parish events at our different parishes. I’d like to thank everyone for their advice and take it all to heart. Bottom line is I need to look at him as a Priest again and not just a man on the other side of the phone or text message. In doing that I will have to distance myself. I know he is lonely and must be going through things. He recently turned 50 and I am in my late 20’s. He gave my two son’s their 1st communion and I need to keep that in mind. Thank you everyone for putting this in perspective for me. I will update as time goes on. Thank you
 
always_catholic said:
Change my email and phone? Are you guys serious? So I am supposed to forget about his tears and pleading with me to not walk out of his life. I understand not pursuing an inappropriate relationship with him, but turn my back on him and report him to the Bishop? We didn’t do anything. I did not sleep with him.
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The tears and pleading are an indication that this relationship isn’t even heading in the direction of being healthy.

I think you guys need to cut off the relationship cold turkey, because the relationship became sinful. It’s like alcoholism in a way–if you have not fallen into alcoholism, you can still safely drink in moderation. If you had the priest had not fallen into an inappropriate relationship, you could still safely have an appropriate relationship. It’s not a question of blame or fault here, it’s just a natural result.

However, if you haven’t already, you need to repent, which includes admitting that there was serious sin. (“We didn’t do anything” doesn’t sound all that repentant, but of course I am not in your head and have no idea whether you are repentant or not.) You can offer up the pain (and I understand that there will be a lot) of ending the relationship for the health of the priest’s vocation, which sounds like it is in danger.

In addition, you have to think of scandal. Maybe your husband is not suspicious of your relationship with this priest because he is a priest? If he finds out about it, he won’t just feel betrayed by you, he will feel betrayed by the priest. He may feel betrayed by the Church herself. You risk not only breaking his heart, but (at least for a time) endangering his relationship with God.

I’m really sorry that you have gotten into this situation. It is very sad. I know that it is a lot harder to follow advice than to give it. But I think deep down you realised before you posted your original post that the answer wasn’t going to be the one you wanted. You have already showed strength and courage by leaving your job and your parish originally. I believe you need to continue to show that strength now by cutting the relationship off.

God bless you, the priest, and your husband and children.

–Jen
 
always_catholic said:
We do not email each other. We speak on the phone and send text messages. I do not see him he is 3 hours away. Neither one of us have pushed the issue of seeing each other. It is more of a cyber / telephone relationship. Even as we text today it is about sports or parish events at our different parishes. I’d like to thank everyone for their advice and take it all to heart. Bottom line is I need to look at him as a Priest again and not just a man on the other side of the phone or text message. In doing that I will have to distance myself. I know he is lonely and must be going through things. He recently turned 50 and I am in my late 20’s. He gave my two son’s their 1st communion and I need to keep that in mind. Thank you everyone for putting this in perspective for me. I will update as time goes on. Thank you
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You being “three hours away” as you say, I was curious if you and he are, as to where you live and he serves, are in the same Diocese and under the same Bishop? If not all the better should you choose to speak with the Bishop if you need his guidance or just to get it off your chest. Cyber here may be enough to guide you and perhaps a private message to clergy you can trust here for some help. I’m new here and I would not know cyber wise where to direct you, but I’m sure those postings here can comfort you and help you find direction but do think of your husband and your children and this priest who is straying and going beyond what he should with a woman and a married one to boot. He needs to go to confession big time with his Bishop. I bet he would not say one word about it to anyone as to his feelings, but they will be found out and then he’s toast. He needs a wake up call from someone.
 
End this relationship now. No procratination; no further phone calls or text messages, no communication - period. This relationship is poison. Would you wean yourself off of poison? No, you need to stop.

You (plural) have already damaged your marriage; your children’s future; the priests vocation; the future of the priest’s parishioners, past, present and future; not to mention your emotional well-being and the state of your souls.

This is going to be hard to fix. You need to find a good confessor/spiritual director. I also recommend callling the diocese. They often have resources for people who have been caught up in sexually inappropriate relationships with clergy. You don’t have to give names or specifics. Just because your relationship wasn’t physical, it was sexual and adulturous. I know this is hard to hear. I pray that given time and space you will see how bad it is and how much worse it could have been had you not ended this relationship now. Not changed it – ended it.
 
always_catholic said:
It is very easy for everyone to say just cut it off but very hard. I do care about him very much. I will confess but think we can remain friends. Or shall I say hope!
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:console: I know its hard. But it will only get harder as time goes on and there is also someone else you need to be thinking about who will be hurt tremendously.
 
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