My relationship with my parents is deteriorating

[JJose12]

Hello Everyone. I am new to the forums and I was hoping I can get some advice.

For starters, I am 20 years old. I don’t really live at home (California) anymore, since I spend the majority of my time at college (New York).

The main issue with my parents is that they are overly protective of me. They are convinced that the world is a dangerous place and that I don’t have the skills to live on my own. They insist on accompanying me; they tell me not to walk alone at night (I am aware of the danger of this, but my campus is fully patrolled and I have no fear of walking from the library to my dorm room at night). I have travelled to over 14 different countries and will be heading to Belgium for study abroad in a week, however my parents are so convinced that it is not a safe country and that I will get hurt if I don’t remain cautious. I understand every place has its dangers, but after living in NY and DC, I’m pretty knowledgeable about staying safe in big cities.

They believe that people should not be trusted and that I will only get betrayed when trouble comes around. I have selfless friends who have stood by me in times of adversity. I do understand I cannot trust everyone, but I have a good intuition of who I can trust and who I shouldn’t.

Another thing that hurts me is that my parents don’t approve of me dating. I am currently dating a wonderful guy. After dating a variety of men, I haven’t met someone that complements me as much as my current boyfriend. My parents think that I will ruin my life by dating this guy, that he will make me stop focusing on my studies, and that men have no committment (they think this of all men in general, not just my current boyfriend) and they haven’t even met him yet in person. My whole life does not revolve around my boyfriend; we both have our own ambitions. We just started doing long distance because of me going abroad. He actually inspires me to study more, since he is so supportive and so smart himself. I started dating him in September and for this past semester, I got the best grades I have ever gotten in my college career, despite it being my most academically difficult semester. He has been a source of happiness and support in this time of frustration

What hurts the most in all this is that my parents believe that I am naïve and not capable of making my own decisions. They’re overprotectiveness is stifling and it’s to the point where I want to officially move out of the house. The only thing is that I do depend on them financially, however I am in the process of getting a part-time job. The majority of my college tuition is funded by scholarships and loans, but my parents pay the rest that is not covered. My studies prevent me from working full time, however I hope that this job will help me establish some financial independence.

I do not hate my parents. I love them and I appreciate all the sacrifices that they have made for me. I just want them to understand and support the fact that I am an adult and that I can fend for myself in this world. I don’t need their assistance in every aspect of my life. What can I do for that to happen?

 

[SuscipeMeDomine]

Since you’re living on opposite coasts, it seems that their overprotectiveness has to be limited. They can’t exactly pop in to accompany you as you go between the library and the dorm.

Perhaps you can see it as a sign of their love and care for you.

My mother worried about me in similar ways until the day she died. It came out especially when I traveled. She warned me to be careful, not to go out alone, especially at night, all those sorts of things. She loved me and wanted what was best for me.

You’ll get through it.

 

[heidi_storage]

Act like an adult. Be courteous and respectful, but make your own decisions, and take responsibility for the consequences. It is normal to have conflict with parents when you are a young adult, but working through it will allow you and your parents to have a healthy relationship.

You are not entirely autonomous. When living at home, follow all reasonable house rules, and do not behave in a contemptuous or dismissive manner; do not lie, and recognize that if your parents are contributing to your education, they have the right to expect certain things (eg, that you will keep a certain GPA, or that you won’t major in Queer Studies of Catholic Repression).

Your relationships are your own choice.

 

[humbleseeker]

I just want them to understand and support the fact that I am an adult and that I can fend for myself in this world.

The only thing is that I do depend on them financially

If you’re going to school 3,000 miles away and you’re allowed to travel abroad, your parents are not overprotective. Remember, your relationship with your parents is transitioning. It will take them awhile to see you as an equal and to earn their respect as an adult. (Hint: as long as you’re taking their money this process will be delayed). You just keep making good decisions, which it sounds like you are, and listening to your parents advice. From what you’ve written it seems like they just want what’s best for you and having their council is an invaluable tool. Being an adult means you don’t have to do exactly what your parents wish but you should have the wisdom to take their advice under consideration.

 

[Allegra]

I agree with the other posters. All your parents can do is worry and whine. They aren’t actually preventing you from doing anything you want to do. If you feel they are overly critical, well, don’t talk to them as much.

 

[Trident_H]

I think this is pretty normal at this stage. Both for you and your parents. They’re trying to deal with your independence from them in the way they understand at the moment. It’s hard to let someone you love go out into the world when the news tells us the worst stories each night.

So maybe understand these actions as signs of care? And treat them with respect? But don’t get too carried away with any of it. In time they’ll settle down.

I mean they’ll have to. They’ll have no other choice really.

I’m glad you’ve got people who care for you. It’s a good sign really. So just try to understand them and everything should work out fine.

Peace. JJ. Good luck with your future!

-Trident

 

[Rozellelily]

I have some ‘bad’ news for you-the reality is that parents don’t stop doing this and it will be this way even when you are 30 or 40-God willing that they are still with you then.

Your parents are showing you that they are loving and concerned.
It can seem annoying, but in a way it’s actually really a huge blessing as some people have parents that don’t care at all or are just as irresponsible as people in their 20’s.

Your parents are speaking from their own personal life experiences and the best thing you can probably do is honour them by listening to their advice but at the same time still making your own decisions.
As they see you making wise decisions,they will hopefully grow in the belief that you have a handle on things and will be proud of you and may loosen their worry a bit…but be prepared that they never will fully lol.

 

[stpurl]

Your parents accept that you’re going abroad to study --perhaps they’re ‘amping up the advice’ because you aren’t going to be 'just across the US" for a while. For them, their job was to prepare you to become an independent adult–and part of the preparation all along the way was ‘reminding you’, from "don’t forget to brush your teeth/eat your vegetables/get your homework done to 'stay safe/protect yourself/keep making responsible judgments/be balanced; welcome new experiences but don’t forget to be watchful as well.

And --not to scare you I hope–but Belgium has been the scene in the last few years of some pretty nasty terror attacks (for those of us who have traveled there in decades gone by, a source of extra grief), and that foreign college woman have indeed been ‘targeted’ for attacks, especially around train stations. Sure, the odds are that you’ll have a wonderful time and no troubles at all. . .but it doesn’t hurt to be extra-aware of one’s surroundings and taking precautions.

 

[Legend]

Frankly, I wish I had the freedom you have now, when I was young. Living on the other coast? Traveling to other countries? It was mostly financial inability, but my parents couldn’t afford the education that you are getting, for myself or my sister! It sounds like your parents are protective, as mine were, and almost all parents are/were. But, I’d see it as common sense…we all have to watch out for ourselves, to some extent.

So, I don’t see too many problems. If you’re not allowed to date, I’m sure you can go out as friends. Since you’re just 20, it makes more sense, anyway. You can get to know each other, and next year, you’ll be of legal age. I wish you a very good life and career!