My SIL is going down hill...I'm worried

[Serap]

My SIL is a beautiful woman who has experienced a great deal of pain and frustration in her life. Her father was not involved in her childhood and was very selfish. Her mother had a stroke at the age of 60 only 3 months before my SIL was to be married. She almost cancelled her wedding and when she did get married, they had to get a day pass from the hospital so her mother could attend.

My SIL quit her job and began working from home. She decided to care for her mother 24/7 and this has been a huge sacrifice for her.

Since then, my SIL became depressed and gained about 200 pounds and about 3 years ago she began to lose the weight to be in my bridal party. At my wedding, she had lost about 150 pounds and she then lost the rest and even ran 3 marathons last summer. She was going to the gym everyday and she looked amazing!!!

Well, she’s falling back into a depression. It’s really hard on her and now she’s gaining her weight back after keeping it off for 2 years!!! I’m worried about her. She’s probably gained about 50 pounds since the summer.

She has also been trying to have a baby and no luck. It’s hard for her b/c I got pregnant only 3 months after getting married and I now have a beautiful baby daughter. I made the mistake of mentioning to her that I will be trying for another baby in 2009 and she got very upset with me and asked me why I was in such a hurry. I realized that it kills her that everyone around her is having babies and she hasn’t been able to.

It’s just not fair that her life is not working out. She’s prone to depression and she can become very spiteful and mean during this time. I try to be as compassionate as I can and I’m successful 90% of the time to ignore her nasty comments and yelling.

I’m just worried about her. I’ve been praying that she conceive a baby soon. Watching her go down hill breaks my heart. She has been really miserable. Her and her mother watched TV at their house on Christmas Day (no celebrations of any kind) and I invited her over for dinner, but she said no. I made a really nice Christmas dinner and begged her to join us, but she was a big “ba hum bug” while her husband visited his family. We normally would have taken care of my MIL on Christmas Day.

I can’t approach her b/c she becomes very jealous of me when she’s depressed and she thinks I’m kicking her when she’s down. I’m one of those happy talkative bubbly people who other people sometimes can’t stand to be around

I have been praying for her and I don’t know what else I can do!

 

[BamaRider]

My SIL is a beautiful woman who has experienced a great deal of pain and frustration in her life. Her father was not involved in her childhood and was very selfish. Her mother had a stroke at the age of 60 only 3 months before my SIL was to be married. She almost cancelled her wedding and when she did get married, they had to get a day pass from the hospital so her mother could attend.

My SIL quit her job and began working from home. She decided to care for her mother 24/7 and this has been a huge sacrifice for her.

Since then, my SIL became depressed and gained about 200 pounds and about 3 years ago she began to lose the weight to be in my bridal party. At my wedding, she had lost about 150 pounds and she then lost the rest and even ran 3 marathons last summer. She was going to the gym everyday and she looked amazing!!!

Well, she’s falling back into a depression. It’s really hard on her and now she’s gaining her weight back after keeping it off for 2 years!!! I’m worried about her. She’s probably gained about 50 pounds since the summer.

She has also been trying to have a baby and no luck. It’s hard for her b/c I got pregnant only 3 months after getting married and I now have a beautiful baby daughter. I made the mistake of mentioning to her that I will be trying for another baby in 2009 and she got very upset with me and asked me why I was in such a hurry. I realized that it kills her that everyone around her is having babies and she hasn’t been able to.

It’s just not fair that her life is not working out. She’s prone to depression and she can become very spiteful and mean during this time. I try to be as compassionate as I can and I’m successful 90% of the time to ignore her nasty comments and yelling.

I’m just worried about her. I’ve been praying that she conceive a baby soon. Watching her go down hill breaks my heart. She has been really miserable. Her and her mother watched TV at their house on Christmas Day (no celebrations of any kind) and I invited her over for dinner, but she said no. I made a really nice Christmas dinner and begged her to join us, but she was a big “ba hum bug” while her husband visited his family. We normally would have taken care of my MIL on Christmas Day.

I can’t approach her b/c she becomes very jealous of me when she’s depressed and she thinks I’m kicking her when she’s down. I’m one of those happy talkative bubbly people who other people sometimes can’t stand to be around

I have been praying for her and I don’t know what else I can do!

I read your post, no doubt she is battling depression. When a person no longer cares for things that use to be important to them (like running, Christmas, family etc) then you know something is going on.

She needs to speak to a counselor, but I’m guessing you can’t get her to one, so the reason you came here.

I can say this, being a caregiver for elderly parents can get to you, if you don’t get sometime away it will be wear you down. Offer to take care of MIL (this is your husband’s mother is it not?) for a weekend so she can get a break.

Try to get her away from the TV and OUTSIDE, if its nothing more then a drive in the country. My mother use to love that. I don’t know about y’all but if I don’t get outside and exercise and ride my motorcycles and enjoy the sun I get depressed.

Where is her husband in all this?

 

[LSK]

And you may have to say to her, “No if ands or butts, I am watching Mom today. Now go!”

You may also have to tell her that by letting you help she is actually doing YOU a favor…

I’m not sure how you would do that but I know that when people make me think I am helping them I am always surprised when it turns out I have helped myself even more…

 

[CB_Catholic]

I, of course, don’t know the reasons for your SIL’s infertility, but I do know that large fluctuations in weight and heavy exercise can interfere with a woman’s cycles, and the depression isn’t going to help if she is gaining a lot of weight because of it. Please encourage her to go to her doctor and get some help for her depression.

 

[Trishie]

I’ll be remembering your sister-in-law in my prayers.

Your sister-in-law does need to overcome her depression, as having a baby won’t ‘fix’ the problems of her being unable to consider others needs and sensitivities, and their goodwill, in her depression. Having babies is no guarantee of mental or emotional, or even physical health. In fact as any of us know, our beautiful little treasures do provide challenges of their own that can trigger or exaserbate stress or depression. Her underlying problems need fixing. A baby isn’t the answer to her personality and coping issues, even if she thinks this is so.

Please God she will get a handle on these issues, and that she will be ready for, and welcome a child before long.

God bless your generous heart.

 

[Serap]

Thanks everyone.

They went away for five days (her and her husband) just a couple of weekends ago. I think she needs a good 2 weeks away from everything…preferably where there is lots of sun and relaxation.

One of you mentioned extreme weight fluctuations and exercising…I too think that this has contributed to her infertility.

My MIL is very attached to my SIL and only wants my SIL to take care of her. My MIL (bless her heart) has dementia and is very untrusting of anyone else taking care of her. My husband does a great job of caring for her, but his mother is convinced that only my SIL can do it “right”.

I could offer to look after her mom, but my SIL knows that we would look after her anytime she needs us to. We do look after her on a weekly basis, but only for a couple of hours at a time. It doesn’t really give my SIL a break.

This is such a huge burden for my SIL. I love my MIL, but I also hate to see my SIL suffer as she does.

Would it be helpful to mention to my SIL that the sacrifices that she is making now will come back to her later? She’s not overly religious, so I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to convert her.

I don’t understand why God won’t give them a baby. Why not? My SIL would make a good mommy

 

[Serap]

I’ll be remembering your sister-in-law in my prayers.

Your sister-in-law does need to overcome her depression, as having a baby won’t ‘fix’ the problems of her being unable to consider others needs and sensitivities, and their goodwill, in her depression. Having babies is no guarantee of mental or emotional, or even physical health. In fact as any of us know, our beautiful little treasures do provide challenges of their own that can trigger or exaserbate stress or depression. Her underlying problems need fixing. A baby isn’t the answer to her personality and coping issues, even if she thinks this is so.

Please God she will get a handle on these issues, and that she will be ready for, and welcome a child before long.

God bless your generous heart.

Thanks. My SIL doesn’t know the huge cross I carry. I’ve never shared my past with her. I often feel sadness b/c of my childhood (but that’s another thread ). I’m especially feeling it during Christmas, but I try not to dwell on it too much.

You are right that having a baby is very difficult at times and yes it brings up all kinds of emotions in us - good and not so good.

I never thought to pray to God that my SIL get a handle on her issues…good idea. I’ve always just prayed that she have a baby.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Thanks everyone.
My MIL is very attached to my SIL and only wants my SIL to take care of her. My MIL (bless her heart) has dementia and is very untrusting of anyone else taking care of her. My husband does a great job of caring for her, but his mother is convinced that only my SIL can do it “right”. Well, guess who doesn’t have a say in this? That’s right, your MIL. She can pitch a hissy fit all she likes, but if your family doesn’t want to place her in assisted living, and if your MIL doesn’t want to find herself there full time, then it’s time to pitch in and give your SIL regular breaks, every day, for a specified number of hours. Are there other sibs besides your DH and SIL? They should be pitching in as well. Kids over 16 who’ve had baby-sitter training? They could be easily trained to help Grandma. If not, then your SIL and you should look for some community volunteers.

This is such a huge burden for my SIL. I love my MIL, but I also hate to see my SIL suffer as she does. Which is why it is time for EVERYBODY over 16 and capable to pitch in, not just DH and you, but EVERYBODY in the family. And your MIL, as much as you love her, needs to be told that there will be care providers, not simply your SIL.

Another idea, if there’s one in your community, is assisted adult day care. It gets your MIL out of the house, gives her social contact, stimulates the brain cells and arteries, and most importantly, GIVES YOUR SIL A BREAK every day, or three days a week, or some such, so your SIL can actually plan things.

Still another idea is respite care, paid for by your MIL’s various Medicare and Part B.

Would it be helpful to mention to my SIL that the sacrifices that she is making now will come back to her later? I don’t think so. She’s not overly religious, so I don’t want to sound like I’m trying to convert her. Poor girl, she’s got enugh on her plate.

I don’t understand why God won’t give them a baby. Why not? My SIL would make a good mommy You’re not God, and neither am I. We won’t know in this life. We don’t know if there is a child out there waiting for your SIL and brother. Her weight may not fluctuate, once she gets the mom thing under control. There are too many variables to never say never.

And here are some links to help your SIL and you set up a better plan for your MIL.

Even though Alzheimer’s is not Dementia, the caregiver tips are fabulous.

This is an organization that has as its members caregivers.

Here’s an organization that deals with respite for Alzheimer’s and Dementia caregivers.

 

[Serap]

Boy God sure works fast!!! I was praying like crazy for my SIL to cheer up and go back to her exercise program. Today she was all cheery for the first time in weeks and mentioned that she went to the gym yesterday.

I always underestimate the power of prayer. I’m thankful that my prayers seem to have been answered for her.

I have to watch my step with her face to face b/c she often takes my wanting to help as being condescending. That’s why I am afraid to say anything directly to her about my concerns.

She has heavy crosses to carry and I have a lot of respect for her. She’s an amazing woman!

If anyone else prayed for her too, thanks

 

[vluvski]

I’m so glad today is a better day for your SIL. As a person who struggles with depression on and off, this problem in and of itself very much complicates the baby situation. Coping with life and caring for yourself is hard enough with depression. How can we reasonably expect a person who has a hard time caring for herself and already has responsibility for her MIL to care for a newborn? As much as I hate to see people in pain due to infertility, it is important she seek care for herself first.