My SIL told my son he's a "mean little boy" - what to do?

[Allegra]

He won’t tell me what he did.

He’s bratty, but he’s also a very sweet good boy. If he has a cold or is tired…he’s bratty for sure.

The thing is though…is it ever ok to tell a child that they are “mean”??? That’s my issue.

It’s certainly okay to tell a child that they are being mean or what they are doing is mean. Definitive statements like “you are…” aren’t helpful because they make it seem as if improvement is impossible. So, I would say, “Stop acting mean.” or “What you did was mean,” rather than “You are mean,” because my hope would be that the child would realize that he has a choice in his behavior and meanness isn’t some innate quality he can’t escape. That being said, I don’t think that I would rely on the statements of a four-year-old to be accurate about exactly what statement was used. If it were my child, I would focus on what HE did rather then on the verbage of my SIL. (I’m not raising my SIL.)

 

[Serap]

It’s certainly okay to tell a child that they are being mean or what they are doing is mean. Definitive statements like “you are…” aren’t helpful because they make it seem as if improvement is impossible. So, I would say, “Stop acting mean.” or “What you did was mean,” rather than “You are mean,” because my hope would be that the child would realize that he has a choice in his behavior and meanness isn’t some innate quality he can’t escape. That being said, I don’t think that I would rely on the statements of a four-year-old to be accurate about exactly what statement was used. If it were my child, I would focus on what HE did rather then on the verbage of my SIL. (I’m not raising my SIL.)

You’re right that I need to focus on my son. I do not know the context in which my SIL spoke.

I just went into defense mode for my son.

My husband and I have put years of hard work into raising that kid to be kind and thoughtful. We believe that unconstructive critism does a kid no good. The higher the self worth the better the behavior. I really believe that.

He’s a lot of work!!

 

[Allegra]

You’re right that I need to focus on my son. I do not know the context in which my SIL spoke.

I just went into defense mode for my son.

My husband and I have put years of hard work into raising that kid to be kind and thoughtful. We believe that unconstructive critism does a kid no good. The higher the self worth the better the behavior. I really believe that.

He’s a lot of work!!

It’s easy and natural for mothers to do that and unfortunately, kid’s know it. I’m a teacher and I see it all the time. A kid gets caught with their teacher’s car keys in their pockets, get’s punished, and the parents are upset because the teacher “basically called their kid a thief”. They go home and tell their parents that “teacher was mean” because they know that mom will go into tiger-mom mode and completely overlook the fact that they hit someone, spat in someone’s food, threw a pencil accross the room, etc. Kindergarteners aren’t too young to use this technique. They try it on me all the time. They know they’re in for it because they just crossed the line with some kid, so they rush over to be the first to tell me what the other kid did wrong. Often it’s completely exaggerated or completely false, but they figure if they tell me first, I will do like mom and overlook whatever they did to the other kid. It hasn’t yet occured to them that, unlike their doting parents, I harbor no specific loyalty to any of them. Unfortunately, this behavior continues and intensifies until the dreaded middle schools years when it finally occurs to most parents that their kid might actually be manipulative.

 

[Serap]

It’s easy and natural for mothers to do that and unfortunately, kid’s know it. I’m a teacher and I see it all the time. A kid gets caught with their teacher’s car keys in their pockets, get’s punished, and the parents are upset because the teacher “basically called their kid a thief”. They go home and tell their parents that “teacher was mean” because they know that mom will go into tiger-mom mode and completely overlook the fact that they hit someone, spat in someone’s food, threw a pencil accross the room, etc. Kindergarteners aren’t too young to use this technique. They try it on me all the time. They know they’re in for it because they just crossed the line with some kid, so they rush over to be the first to tell me what the other kid did wrong. Often it’s completely exaggerated or completely false, but they figure if they tell me first, I will do like mom and overlook whatever they did to the other kid. It hasn’t yet occured to them that, unlike their doting parents, I harbor no specific loyalty to any of them. Unfortunately, this behavior continues and intensifies until the dreaded middle schools years when it finally occurs to most parents that their kid might actually be manipulative.

I don’t fit that profile thankfully.

The teacher and I work together to modify my son’s behavior. She respects me very much for that BC I support her. Same with daycare ECEs.

 

[IrishAm]

Problem is that we live in the same house, but different floors. I try to minimize the amt of time he spends there…trust me…I say no 90% of the time when he asks to go there.

We have never ever had SIL babysit my son. He goes down to visit for maybe an hour here and there on weekends only. It’s hard b/c their child comes up stairs almost every day.

It’s a difficult situation. One that I wish I was not in, but that’s a whole other story.

I think you and your husband need to have a very serious conversation. Your job is to protect your son, not make nice with a difficult family member; and, if that means “saying no” 100% of the time when he asks to go there, so be it. You cannot expect a child (be they a perfect child, a normal child, or a “mean” child) to understand the dynamics of an adult with mental health issues.

None of this is to shoot down your SIL. Frankly, your child may or may not have been a complete brat that day and she said something in frustration that any one may have said under the circumstances. And, at 4, your son may know how to push your buttons to diffuse you from being mad at him to being someone else’s fault. None of us know that; none of us was there. But it sounds as if there are some very real reasons to limit contact with your SIL and your son to those times when you are present. And, then, you have to step up to the plate and protect your son, if need be. That’s your job.

 

[Allegra]

I don’t fit that profile thankfully.

The teacher and I work together to modify my son’s behavior. She respects me very much for that BC I support her. Same with daycare ECEs.

It isn’t a “profile” exactly. There ARE some parents that you have to wonder how they keep falling for that line over and over. There are some parents who never fall for it. (Unsually if they’ve had other children.) I think most fall for it at least once or twice though. I have a coworker who has been teaching for 15 years and first grade for that matter! Last week she was going on about how upset her son was that his teacher put him in time out. We got the whole spiel. “I know he’s not an angel but…” We all just rolled our eyes and eventually she laughed as she realized that she was experiencing the situation from the “other side”. It’s hard not to do it when it’s your own kid and even if the parents are rocks, it doesn’t mean that Junior won’t give it a try every now and then.

Anyway, unless your SIL is a minor that has been placed in your care, the only thing you can do is deal with your son’s behavior and keep his interactions with his aunt supervised until he is old enough to understand that she is different and it isn’t right to push her buttons. (Which will come gradually.)

 

[lifeisbeautiful]

In my experience that defines pretty much any kid, though some do it more than others, and there are stages when it’s more prevalent.

It may very well be that he was misbehaving or even being mean, but I don’t think it’s right for non-parents to tell a child they are mean, or bad (I’m not comfortable with parents saying those things to their own children, either, but it’s not my job to parent other people’s kids.) It’s much more preferable IMO to say, “I don’t allow that behavior/way of speaking/etc” and then lay out a consequence that’s already been deemed OK by the parent. Kids can understand how they are supposed to behave without putdowns.

(Here’s a great blog post about how this mom talks to her children when they misbehave: “In Which I Reclaim the Word “Naughty,” Because I Need It”:

)

I have used the term naughty but my younger kids always think I am talking about

https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/...yASqlssvFsJdr5oKs4cpwAX_k6QtUvtRAhzayYo5FLXu6

So it turns into “I’m not being Noddy, Noddy is on TV”

And Serap, no I don’t agree with anyone calling my kids mean, bad or anything else like that, I’m in the club that believes that it is not good to tell a child they ***are ***something negative (although I also believe we need to correct them when they do something negative, and let them know what they ***did ***was negative) but I do know my kids have interpreted things their own way in the past.

 

[mommy_k]

He won’t tell me what he did.

He’s bratty, but he’s also a very sweet good boy. If he has a cold or is tired…he’s bratty for sure.

The thing is though…is it ever ok to tell a child that they are “mean”??? That’s my issue.

It is never ok to assign a negative label to a child-as they will fulfill the expectation and continue.

By telling a child they are mean and bratty, will guarantee that they will view themselves this way.

The correct way is to address the behavior-for example:

When you do that, or behave this way, you are acting mean. Or- when you act this way it is bratty. This way you are calling the behavior negative, not the child.

If your sister called your child mean, tell your child that the behavior was mean, but the child is certainly not.

Hope this helps-

 

[Sophie_Lawrence]

1. I think that if the sister in law has actual mental health issues and cannot control what she does, I think it’s fine to explain to the child, Auntie sometimes says mean things because she can’t help it. My mom has Alzheimer’s, she is still very functional, but one of her challenges is she cannot babysit my children. Sometimes she has called my children, “stupid”. I tell my children that Grandma doesn’t mean things, she just gets upset and can’t control herself and uses the wrong word.
2. Again if sister in law has actual mental health issues, the OP should limit alone time. If the little boy enjoys playing with his cousins in the apartment of the aunt, the OP should go along (or the husband) to make sure the kids are supervised properly if Aunt cannot due to her mental illness.
3. For the OP, I would say that she should try to develop a “thicker skin”. When someone is mentally ill, they might not have full control of what they say or do. She might be able to function well in her own routine, but add a rambunctious little boy she might not be able to “deal” with him.
4. I would definitely remind the son when he visits the Aunt on what the rules are at her home. Something like, " we are visiting auntie for an hour. We need torremember to be gentle with our cousins, to be polite to auntie, to say please and thank you."

 

[Allegra]

It is never ok to assign a negative label to a child-as they will fulfill the expectation and continue.

By telling a child they are mean and bratty, will guarantee that they will view themselves this way.

The correct way is to address the behavior-for example:

When you do that, or behave this way, you are acting mean. Or- when you act this way it is bratty. This way you are calling the behavior negative, not the child.

If your sister called your child mean, tell your child that the behavior was mean, but the child is certainly not.

Hope this helps-

I think that if a child gets enough affirmation from his parents, family, teachers etc, we needn’t fear permenant damage from comments made by aunts who are a little off.