My Sister is Pregnant

[Shoppers]

Just a warning, this is a giant rant, just need to get things out of my system.

I came across the news today that my sister (19) is pregnant. My mom told me during dinner, she said it was good/bad news. I thought it was something to do with her job. When I found out at first I was in shock, then I got a bit angry, and left the dinner table. I ended up crying (as if I was pregnant or something?) in my room and trying to pray the rosary. But I just kept getting distracted and thinking about everything instead.

I was angry for a number of reasons. I was at angry at her for actually having intercourse with her boyfriend. I guess I still see her as a little girl and can’t imagine her doing anything “not innocent.” I was angry because of how irresponsible it all is. She and her boyfriend have both started their first year in post-secondary schools, this will be their second semester. Her program is only 2 years, and his is 4.

I always knew she would be the first to be pregnant. I would pray for her during mass, in case something like this happened. I was worried about their relationship and I didn’t accept her boyfriend. He didn’t ever do anything offensive to her, but something about him bugged me and I didn’t accept him at all. They broke up during the summer, because he said he was going away to school (which is a 40 minute drive, people commute there and back from school/work) and then they got back together. Then he broke up with her again 2 weeks later and then since that time they have been together.

As I was saying the irresponsibility. The fact that they are both in school. The fact that they both don’t have jobs and are paying for school through a school loan. Where to live? We don’t have room at our house. And it would just make sense for them to be together to raise it. The question of marriage also comes up? Are they meant to be together? Or will this be another forced marriage that will hurt them and maybe the child as well? The expense of diapers, milk, rent, etc.

And at the same time I am trying to think differently. I have always been against abortion, I was about to go to an abortion protest this weekend actually but plans changed. I am trying to put myself into her shoes. How it’ll be hard waking up early in the morning and going to school, how it’ll be hard for her to explain this to family and friends, how she’ll be feeling nauseous, how she is 19 and has no clue how many responsibilities there really are and things will be very difficult. And how she can’t cook. She says she will be finding a job next week while going to school and not go back to school in September. He says he is also quitting. Which I feel they both shouldn’t. It’s hard to go back to school after, it seems to get pushed aside after some time.

We go to church every Sunday. My dad was even supposed to be a priest, but he ended up meeting my mom and they got married. We participate in many Church events and it just feels so strange for my family to be going through something like this.

When I write about all this I feel very immature. I know I should think positively and try to help her as much as I can or talk to her. But I can’t seem to do that. My head feels like a mess and I feel selfish for thinking like this when she is the one who is actually pregnant and going through all this herself. I want to be supportive, but then at the same time I want to punch her and her boyfriend in the face. Also being older than my sister makes it feel even more strange. I know she is scared to talk to me about it because she knows my first reaction would be anger.

 

[Trishie]

Dear big sister, my response to your rant is tears in the eyes.
You are of course sad, hurt, angry and fearful.
You see all the ramifications and consequences, and the foolishness and the departure from Catholic behavior.
Of course you are hurting.

I don’t doubt that you will help and support regarding the baby, but you quite naturally feel betrayed and that your sister has betrayed herself, and the baby.

Don’t be hard on yourself for your present feelings. You are shocked and grieving.

Know that I will join you in prayer for your sister and her baby, and regarding studies and the child’s father. And I believe that others will also.

We ask You our God to bring out of all this confusion and difficulty in whatever way that is possible. We ask Your healing, and that You will bless the entire family, including the baby and its young parents. Please guide these young people in their decisions. Please also restore this young woman to Catholic life and grace.

Sending you a hug and prayers,

Trishie

 

[Sirach614]

wow…i can understand your frustration and anger. Even though neither of my two sisters ever got pregnant outside of marriage…i imagine i would feel the same at first if they had; angry at her and worried about her…and mad at the guy I’m one of 7 boys in my family, and we are quite protective of our only two sisters.

I had a good friend growing up who was a very active, practicing Catholic but she met a Christian guy who somehow wooed her into marrying him 7 months into the relationship. She got pregnant with his child so they were “married” by a justice of the peace in the yard of her parents house a couple months later, which means its not really even a valid marriage. It was basically a shotgun wedding, if you will. I was invited but didnt go because i had to work that day…plus i could not have supported such a wedding as that. She had the baby barely even 8 months after they got “married,” and the baby certainly was not premature. Plus she moved in with him a month before the wedding because her parents refused to give their blessing for a wedding outside of the Church, so she left home and moved to his apartment. She was 19 at the time too. This was a year and a half ago at this point. She’s still my friend, but we certainly are not as tight as we used to be. Its hard for me to be honest with her most of the time because i know what they did was very wrong and they are still kind of living in sin, not actually being married Yes, they are committed to each other…but not in a sacramental marriage blessed by the Church.

But i guess all i can say is try not to be angry with your sister. I don’t know if you’re her brother or her sister…but if you’re a sister, you play an important position in her life to help her through this pregnancy in a supportive, loving way. She made a big mistake to have sex with her boyfriend. But try to understand that she very well might feel guilty and is having a hard time coping with the fact that she is now expecting a child.

And dont feel like you’re being immature about this. Wanting to punch them in the face…yes that is a little harsh. But you’re angry with good reason i think. Just try to see some good in the situation. I hope they dont decide to get married JUST because she is expecting, because that could turn out very badly. Maybe she would consider giving up the baby for Adoption? Im sure that would be extremely difficult to cope with…but i also have another friend who did just that not too long ago. She got pregnant and isn’t even with the guy anymore, so she gave the baby up for Adoption and i guess is very at peace with the decision (from what i read on Facebook )

Best wishes to you and your sister and family though.

 

[fred_conty]

Sometimes it is best to just accept the fact that “it” is broken and that’s that. Then
try to look into the future and not look back. The little child is a blessing, so you do
have a darling little niece who will break you up with her laughter. Your sister wasn’t in a
car wreck which we all fear for our love ones. She is still there and just as much as your sister as before. You have many things to build on from here. God will bless you for your patience and consideration that you give to her especially at this time.

I will remember you, your sister, and your family in my prayers. Real love can smooth over many rough spots in life.

 

[anp1215]

I want you to know I know exactly how you feel. When my husband and I were still dating, his little brother and his girlfriend (both 18) got pregnant out of wedlock. My husband’s dad is administrative pastor at their church and took their kids to church (5 kids) and involved them in church activities their entire lives.

The thing is, just like with you, we knew it was coming. I even asked my husband (then boyfriend) once, “Out of your siblings and you, who do you think will get married first?” and he said “[Brother’s name] will get someone pregnant and then have to get married.” And that is exactly what happened. His family likes to brush problems under the rug and pretend like they don’t exist, hence why even though he foresaw this, it still happened anyway.

We were so MAD. I can’t even describe the ANGER. Anger at their irresponsibility, the burden they were going to place on my husband’s parents. The girlfriend had no parents in sight, so she moved in with my husband’s family when she was pregnant.

Well that was four years ago, and they’re still all living with my husband’s family. Both continue to be irresponsible and immature. It’s EXTREMELY frustrating and I still have anger towards them.

I urge you to give support to your sister. You will love your little niece or nephew even though the circumstances of his/her conception are unfortunate. Try, try, try not to let the anger get to you like it gets to me. I work on it, but it is something I struggle with. Though in my defense, I have gotten over the anger of the pregnancy, now it’s just anger that they continue to mooch off my husband’s parents. Of course, I have anger with my husband’s parents for allowing it to happen.

 

[StarFireKK]

Ok, I say this because I watched a very good friend of mine flip out when her sister got pregnant at 16. To this day they still have a horrible relationship because my friend over-reacted to the news.

You have to understand this is happening to your sister. It is HER life. How she manages rent, diapers, cooking, schools and her relationships are HER decisions. Yes, she has some struggles in front of her and most of them probably do not have clear answers at the moment. NO ONE knows that better than your sister.

Your post has a lot of judgment in it. From her boyfriend to her cooking. You are WAY too invested in this. You need to find a way to step back, breathe and accept what’s going on. Because sooner or later your sister is going to need your help and your support and you aren’t going to be able to give her support as a big sister if you are to busy going over all the irresponsible decisions she made.

She is pregnant…end of discussion. Focus on the future and where you go from here.

I say this with kindness. I have two brothers that barely speak because they cannot accept the decisions the other one made in their life (because it wasn’t a choice they would’ve made.) My friend’s sister grew up fast and pretty much told my friend to take a hike because she was tired of feeling like she let my friend down.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Be happy that she isn’t aborting. I remember when my sister told me she was pregnant, and I was so excited, even though she wasn’t married. And then she told me her boyfriend wanted her to have an abortion and she was going to.

:bighanky:

And she did.

 

[Shoppers]

Trishie

Thank you Trishie for such a positive response. And thank you for your prayers. I didn’t expect anyone to read this. 1. It is the longest written post ever. 2. I didn’t think forums were used much anymore. But I am so happy to have received all of these responses & prayers. And thank you for taking the time to read and write back.

Sirach614

Thank you for your response, I am glad I got a perspective from a “brother”. I will pray for your friend as well, that her future decisions are good and that she grows to one day have a healthy relationship with you and her partner. She seems like she was very close to you and it must be hard not to be able to talk to her in an honest way anymore. At least you are there if she would ever need you and I think that is very important and good. You could have just said good bye and even though you aren’t as close as you were before you are still there. Thank you for your wishes. Oh and I just do boxing, so I always want to punch anything.

fred conty

That is what my mom had said as well. I am glad you wrote that, you can’t go back and fix anything, what is done is done and there is no other choice but to move along. And what you wrote about the car wreck is true, she is not harmed, she is still here and she is still my sister. She just might be a bit of a fatter sister…

anp1215

We have a similar situation and I am very happy you wrote your story. I understand your anger as well. And the continuing anger now. I sometimes wonder myself at my parents and ask if they should have pushed harder. My dad would complain in the car trying to text my sister to pick her up and she wouldn’t reply back and letting his frustration out. And I would get angry and tell him that they weren’t trying hard enough, that they were slipping with their parenting skills. Letting the same cycle happen. My mom even had a talk with both my sister and her boyfriend about sex in the kitchen one time. And it must have been very awkward for both of them, but sometimes there is no other way around it, things need to be talked about. I thought about the fact of being an aunt after all this as well. It’s strange to think. I pray that your husband’s brother and his girlfriend realize the situation and learn to change. I hope your husband’s parents as understanding as they seem to want to be, helping out and being supportive, I hope they can guide this young couple to a positive, new way. Sometimes it just takes time. And it’s hard to be patient for sure. I pray for you with your struggle of anger as well, I understand how difficult it is. Thank you for your response.

 

[Shoppers]

StarFireKK

I ask myself the same thing, why? Why is it bugging me so much, I feel very judgmental and I can’t help it. I want to help, I want to be supportive, but I can see she is not ready. I am scared to see her get hurt in the future and I am scared she will struggle a lot. I don’t understand why I am so into all of this as well. My brother just said oh and walked away, while I ended up crying as if I was pregnant? It didn’t make any sense. Or as if she was my own daughter? Thank you for your response, I will work on trying to control my judging. I just see this situation and what she is going to go through. But need to remember this isn’t the end of the world. I hope your brothers one day get back to being real brothers, that must be very difficult for all of you!

TheRealJulian

I am very sad to hear that there was an abortion in the end. Situations can get very confusing and we struggle to find a solution to solve our problems. Sometimes we feel we don’t have any options, or we push things away. I will pray for your sister, the unborn baby and for you. <3 Thank you for your response.

 

[anp1215]

Thank you Trishie for such a positive response. And thank you for your prayers. I didn’t expect anyone to read this. 1. It is the longest written post ever. 2. I didn’t think forums were used much anymore. But I am so happy to have received all of these responses & prayers. And thank you for taking the time to read and write back.

Thank you for your response, I am glad I got a perspective from a “brother”. I will pray for your friend as well, that her future decisions are good and that she grows to one day have a healthy relationship with you and her partner. She seems like she was very close to you and it must be hard not to be able to talk to her in an honest way anymore. At least you are there if she would ever need you and I think that is very important and good. You could have just said good bye and even though you aren’t as close as you were before you are still there. Thank you for your wishes. Oh and I just do boxing, so I always want to punch anything.

That is what my mom had said as well. I am glad you wrote that, you can’t go back and fix anything, what is done is done and there is no other choice but to move along. And what you wrote about the car wreck is true, she is not harmed, she is still here and she is still my sister. She just might be a bit of a fatter sister…

We have a similar situation and I am very happy you wrote your story. I understand your anger as well. And the continuing anger now. I sometimes wonder myself at my parents and ask if they should have pushed harder. My dad would complain in the car trying to text my sister to pick her up and she wouldn’t reply back and letting his frustration out. And I would get angry and tell him that they weren’t trying hard enough, that they were slipping with their parenting skills. Letting the same cycle happen. My mom even had a talk with both my sister and her boyfriend about sex in the kitchen one time. And it must have been very awkward for both of them, but sometimes there is no other way around it, things need to be talked about. I thought about the fact of being an aunt after all this as well. It’s strange to think. I pray that your husband’s brother and his girlfriend realize the situation and learn to change. I hope your husband’s parents as understanding as they seem to want to be, helping out and being supportive, I hope they can guide this young couple to a positive, new way. Sometimes it just takes time. And it’s hard to be patient for sure. I pray for you with your struggle of anger as well, I understand how difficult it is. Thank you for your response.

You’re welcome and thank you so much. And they are married now, but still living with his parents. God bless.

 

[Castello]

Be happy that she isn’t aborting. I remember when my sister told me she was pregnant, and I was so excited, even though she wasn’t married. And then she told me her boyfriend wanted her to have an abortion and she was going to.

:bighanky:

And she did.

This.

Your sister may decide to place the baby for adoption. That is a loving and brave choice.

If she chooses to raise her baby…

…amazing thing - milk is free, it comes out of mommie’s breasts

Diapers, you can buy cloth diapers and wash them. Clothes can be bought second hand.

Babies are not expensive, our modern anti-baby world tells us they are. If everyone chips in to buy a car seat, that is the only real large ticket expense.

 

[anp1215]

This.

Your sister may decide to place the baby for adoption. That is a loving and brave choice.

If she chooses to raise her baby…

…amazing thing - milk is free, it comes out of mommie’s breasts

Diapers, you can buy cloth diapers and wash them. Clothes can be bought second hand.

Babies are not expensive, our modern anti-baby world tells us they are. If everyone chips in to buy a car seat, that is the only real large ticket expense.

Amen to that. OP, bring all of this up to your sister if she is planning to parent. I honestly think there are thousands of women/girls out there that don’t even know cloth diapers exist. (But then, when they hear about them, they refuse to even consider or read up on them.)

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Be happy that she isn’t aborting. I remember when my sister told me she was pregnant, and I was so excited, even though she wasn’t married. And then she told me her boyfriend wanted her to have an abortion and she was going to.

:bighanky:

And she did.

:hug1:

 

[TheRealJuliane]

:hug1:

I hope to meet my little nephew in Heaven one day…

Abortion is a terrible thing. It messed my sister up for a long time. In fact she’s probably still messed up, but she doesn’t talk about it.

 

[SummerSmiles]

OP, it’s completely understandable for you to feel the way you do right now. I’m sure the news came as a bit of a shock.

Try to take some time to think about how your sister is feeling. I was that 19 year old girl who once found herself pregnant out of wedlock. My boyfriend at the time (now my husband) and I were both in school, with two years left. We did have to live off student loans while DH finished school and found a job. We also had to apply for government assistance in order to get medical care. We probably qualified for WIC, but we were too embarrassed to apply for it, and in the end we were able to scrape by without it. The first year wasn’t that expensive–breast milk is free, as others have said clothes can be bought second-hand, etc.

Your sister is probably scared right now. She’s probably very unsure of the future of her and her baby. She’s probably not sure if she’s ready to be a mother yet. What she needs now is loving support from those she loves. I’ll never forget my best friend’s reaction when I told her that I was pregnant. She simply gave me a hug and told me, “a baby is always a blessing. It will be difficult in the years ahead, but remember that God has still given you a great blessing with this baby. Now it’s your job to do the best you can for that baby.”

When I told my parents, I was met with great anger. My mom threatened to leave the house, because she “couldn’t deal with me” anymore. She told me not to tell my friends, because they were “good Catholic girls” and that they wouldn’t want to be friends with a girl like me anymore. She told me that even if my friends wanted to remain friends with me, their parents likely wouldn’t allow it because I was such a bad influence. etc. My husband’s parents were a little more supportive of us, although they stressed that we would have a tough road ahead of us.

Right now your sister really needs the support of a family who loves her. She’s chosen not to abort the baby–rejoice with her in that! You can give her loving moral support without saying that you agree with her choices. Be a positive example to her of Christ’s love and forgiveness. That being said, she’s still very young and still has lots of time to “turn out alright.” In my case, I married my boyfriend, he got a job, we both finished school, we have returned to the Catholic faith we were raised in, and we now have two beautiful children and one on the way. It’s been a struggle at times, but we’ve been able to make good lives for ourselves, even though we started out in a less than ideal way.

 

[Samson01]

Sometimes it is best to just accept the fact that “it” is broken and that’s that. Then
try to look into the future and not look back. The little child is a blessing, so you do
have a darling little niece who will break you up with her laughter. Your sister wasn’t in a
car wreck which we all fear for our love ones. She is still there and just as much as your sister as before. You have many things to build on from here. God will bless you for your patience and consideration that you give to her especially at this time.

I will remember you, your sister, and your family in my prayers. Real love can smooth over many rough spots in life.

I caught that too in the OP. The baby is not an 'it". There is always a way and she has family support…right?

 

[AthenaC]

Be happy that she isn’t aborting. I remember when my sister told me she was pregnant, and I was so excited, even though she wasn’t married. And then she told me her boyfriend wanted her to have an abortion and she was going to.

:bighanky:

And she did.

Oh, Jesus. (Not in a take-His-name-in-vain sort of way, but an invoke-His-name-in-prayer sort of way.)

This.

Your sister may decide to place the baby for adoption. That is a loving and brave choice.

If she chooses to raise her baby…

…amazing thing - milk is free, it comes out of mommie’s breasts

Diapers, you can buy cloth diapers and wash them. Clothes can be bought second hand.

Babies are not expensive, our modern anti-baby world tells us they are. If everyone chips in to buy a car seat, that is the only real large ticket expense.

Agreed. 100%. No crib - just a bassinet mattress and towels on the floor. At night my babies pretty much just stayed on my breast and I just flipped over when they needed the other one. I barely stirred all night and actually managed to be well-rested while having a baby in college. I did use disposable diapers, though, but my oldest only got changed twice a day, so I kinda rationed the diapers. (It’s not how it sounds - she literally didn’t care whether or not she had a dirty diaper, and she never got diaper rash, so I just changed her on a convenient schedule.) For me, a rocking chair was wonderful - nursing them to sleep and then holding a sleeping baby - one of the greatest joys of life.

I hope to meet my little nephew in Heaven one day…

Abortion is a terrible thing. It messed my sister up for a long time. In fact she’s probably still messed up, but she doesn’t talk about it.

And I know you two will get along just fine!

 

[Trishie]

I caught that too in the OP. The baby is not an 'it". There is always a way and she has family support…right?

When you don’t know whether the baby is male or female it can be difficult to know what to call the baby. Even yesterday while praying on a prayer intention for a baby of unknown sex I was mentally juggling the pronouns!

As has been said, her sister will be very scared of facing her, and personally facing other family and friends and how they respond will burn deep.

Having received so much positive and friendly response from everyone here, this young woman will feel clearer now about how she will support her sister, as she intends anyway, but it is a shock when a family member’s life plan suddenly changes. She had only just learned and had a a huge number of thoughts running around her head. She sounds a wonderful young woman, thoughtful and caring as well as practical.

Everyone who posted will have taken her so much faster to the place where she needs to be to support her family and to welcome her sister in this new circumstance.
She must welcome the baby’s father because he is her sister’s choice and he is now family, related through the baby who unites her family genetics with his own.

God bless the family and this young couple and the baby.

 

[sicutincensum]

What a blessing! Who knows what will happen with the child? Only God knows. Maybe that child will become a priest (if a boy), a nun (if a girl), or a very happy Catholic family dad/mom with 8 children! And perhaps one of his great-great-sons will become Pope!

I know… it’s a very dramatic situation, but hey… a miracle happened. Every life is a miracle! Some of us who live in Catholic countries descend from Bishops, Priests… it must have been difficult and more or less shameful for them, but… how many wonders has God worked from there, how much evil was turned into good!

The life of that child is unvaluable. The soul of that child is worth much more than all the money in the world, so… remember that when you consider all the difficulties they will encounter.

 

[carguy]

Just support her because while she made a mistake everything happens for a reason. Just pray that she has a happy and healthy baby. If she has a family that will support her it will make it much easier for her and have her go to confession. It will all be ok.
Go Bless