My sister isn't practicing

  • Thread starter Thread starter rkwittem
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
R

rkwittem

Guest
Long story short, my family is all Catholic (mom, dad, me, grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.). My sister stopped/fell out of practicing a number of years ago (around 4-5 I think) and has become quite the secular humanist (She is 23…I’m a few years older than her.). My parents are well aware of this and are upset over it. They’ve talked to their local priest about it a number of times and are praying about it. But they won’t actually talk to her about it directly. They just want it to “run its course”. My dad would like to say something more direct, but my mother won’t let him because she thinks it will just push her away more and more…as if she won’t keep drifting away anyway. Even more unbelievably, my mother thinks my sister’s current boyfriend (who is supposedly a practicing Catholic- I cannot confirm or deny this) will be able to save (for lack of a better term) her and change her mind on this.

I see a different side of my sister and already know she won’t change her mind.

At risk of sounding arrogant or prideful, I’m better-read on Catholicism than my parents are (Catholic schooling gave me a leg up in that dept) and would have no problem talking to my sister and correcting her in regards to this new lifestyle of hers, but my parents have put their foot down on that right from the start. I’m basically under a gag order. Their reasoning is twofold- for starters, my sister and I have never, ever really gotten along. We’ve fought and been at odds basically since she came back from the hospital after she was born (that’s mostly hyperbole). Their other reason is that I am best described as blunt, to-the-point, and not the least bit prone to mincing words. I personally feel the time for being understanding, loving and tolerant is over. It is time to lay the law down.

I’ve talked to a handful of other priests about this. About 2/3 tell me to follow my parents’ advice, and I have. The other third have suggested trying to broach the subject with my sister. (I haven’t)

What prompted me to bring this question here is that I was home with my parents and we got a call from a pro-choice group for her (my dad hung up on them after giving them the “we’re pro-life” spiel) and she has started posting some really asinine things online about so-called “infringements of women’s rights.” Needless to say, this really, really, really, really makes my blood boil and I am just itching to give her a full-blown, hellfire-and-brimstone speech and basically wash my hands of and completely dissociate myself from her.
She is still loved by my parents but as far as I am concerned, she is a rotten cancer tn our family dynamic. When my parents pass away, which is a long ways off, I don’t expect her to stay in touch and I know I certainly won’t. I don’t like it being this way, but her disgusting lifestyle and ideology is so abhorrent to me that the very thought of keeping her in my life makes me sick.

Advice, suggestions, and thoughts would be very welcome.
 
you can’t control the things she believes and the choices she has made because she is 23 and an adult. Right now you need to back off and pray for her like St. Monica did for St. Augustine’s conversion which took 30 years. 23 is still young and people DO change even if they say they won’t.
 
So you know that she won’t change her mind but you do want to go off on her to let out your anger? At 23 her political and religious views are enough for you to cut her out of your life? You want to “lay down the law” with a 23 year old adult how exactly?

The issue that needs to be addressed here is your pride and anger, not your sister.
 
rkwittem said:
I personally feel the time for being understanding, loving and tolerant is over. It is time to lay the law down.
Click to expand...
I don’t quite understand – what “law” are you going to lay down to your adult sister? Do you think you can somehow force her to return to the Church?
rkwittem said:
. . . I am just itching to give her a full-blown, hellfire-and-brimstone speech and basically wash my hands of and completely dissociate myself from her.
She is still loved by my parents but as far as I am concerned, she is a rotten cancer tn our family dynamic . . . her disgusting lifestyle and ideology is so abhorrent to me that the very thought of keeping her in my life makes me sick.
Advice, suggestions, and thoughts would be very welcome.
Click to expand...
What you describe is absolutely the BEST way to make sure she never returns to the Church. If that’s your goal, go for it.
If, on the other hand, that’s NOT your goal, I would suggest (you did ask for suggestions) a great deal of prayer – not only that her heart be turned back toward the Church, but also that your own be turned toward love for your sister.
 
I will suggest a couple of things.

First, you are 25 or 26 years old, so a parental gag order seems out of line.

However, after reading all of the rest of your post I can see why your parents would ask, beg, or order you not to confront your sister.

You seem to have no love in your heart. How can one claim be Christian and yet approach the Prodigal Daughter not with a ring, robe, and fatted calf but with fire, brimstone, and attitude to spare?

I agree that I see a lot of pride but not much virtue in this post.

May I suggest you approach Adoration and pray for growth in the Cardinal and Theological virtues for yourself BEFORE approaching your sister? If you cannot approach her in love, care, and concern then don’t approach her at all.

On a practical level, the books Search and Rescue by Patrick Madrid and How NOT To Share Your Faith by Mark Brumley come to mind as two that might be particularly useful to you.

And lastly, in work, family, and life using the “I am blunt, deal with it” attitude will not get you very far. It is super counterproductive, and will be more likely to earn you a reputation as a troublemaker than a valuable employee, loving spouse, or family member.

I would suggest the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, et. al. This may help you understand why that approach is wrongheaded.
 
Personally I find your severe reaction to your sister quite baffling. :confused: You say you’ve never had a good relationship with her, and you’re very vocal in how you feel. :banghead: Your sister is an adult and as such is free to live her life as she see’s fit. I think you would be best served praying for your sister, and also praying for her to return to the Church. Your parents are the ones who should decide how and when to speak to her. It sounds as if you’ve gone to more and more priests until you got the answer you wanted, which is to sound off at your sister.

I myself turned away from the Church and have only recently returned to the fold. :extrahappy: I believe that if you did ‘lay down the law with your fire and brimstone’ you would further damage your relationship with your sister, and this would only serve to relieve your anger. Pray for your sister and also pray for yourself asking Our Lord to heal the rifts between you both.

:highprayer:
 
I feel for your situation. While not the same, I too had a period in my life where my sister could do no right, I hated the things her life was about, and frankly thought that we’d never have contact outside of my parents (and when they died we’d go our separate ways).

I’m so happy I didn’t say any of the things I was thinking about her to her. Because about five years ago we were put into a situation where we were representing our parents (brother’s Marine Corps Boot Camp graduation that my parents were unable to attend). At the end of the trip we realized that enough time had passed, and we were both older and more mature, that our relationship began to blossom again. Now we’re the best of sisters and I love hanging out with her and am thoroughly enjoying our kids growing up together.

If you speak what you’re thinking and wash your hands of your sister, you may never get the chance to reconcile later in life and have a fantastic relationship. Or maybe you won’t ever have a fantastic relationship but you might have a solid good one. And it’s not just your and your sister’s relationship that would be affected by your speaking out. Your relationship with your parents will be affected AND their relationship with you. There are more people involved in the potential hurt and divide than just you and your sister.
 
If you would have asked people who knew me at 23 if I would ever return to the church they would have laughed in your face. It took a while for me to recognize my errors and selfish attitude but I did come around and now find myself a more faithful Catholic than before.

I think the best thing you can do is be understanding and supportive. Pushing the issue will only feed her fire. Bide your time, lead by example and be there for her when the time comes.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
So you know that she won’t change her mind but you do want to go off on her to let out your anger? At 23 her political and religious views are enough for you to cut her out of your life? You want to “lay down the law” with a 23 year old adult how exactly?

The issue that needs to be addressed here is your pride and anger, not your sister.
Click to expand...
Her religious views are disgusting. Her political views are disgusting. Her life philosophy is disgusting. Do you want to spend time with people like that?

I’ll put it this way- I am the only one with any access to her who could possibly have the nerve/brazenness to actually call her out on it. Her boyfriend won’t. Her parents don’t. And her friends aren’t even close to Catholic. She’s not getting any overt messages.
No one else seems to want to actually make her defend her position. She’s careening towards the edge of a cliff while no one has made any effort to curtail her madness. It may not change her mind, but I don’t think it would hurt to actually make her think about and try to justify her own poorly-thought out ethics. This is basically what I meant by “lay down the law”- put her morality to the test and see if it holds water.
 
1ke said:
I will suggest a couple of things.

First, you are 25 or 26 years old, so a parental gag order seems out of line.

However, after reading all of the rest of your post I can see why your parents would ask, beg, or order you not to confront your sister.
Click to expand...
I don’t think it’s out of line and my respect for my parents is what has kept me from saying basically anything to her for most of the last 5 years. I could probably count on one hand the number of conversations I’ve had with her in that time frame. I’d guess about 3.
You seem to have no love in your heart. How can one claim be Christian and yet approach the Prodigal Daughter not with a ring, robe, and fatted calf but with fire, brimstone, and attitude to spare?
Click to expand...
I struggle with forgiveness. Forgiving others, forgiving myself, accepting forgiveness…it is hard for me. I prefer making decisions based on what the punishment will be for failure or misconduct. That’s what I personally do to stay on the straight-and-narrow.
And lastly, in work, family, and life using the “I am blunt, deal with it” attitude will not get you very far. It is super counterproductive, and will be more likely to earn you a reputation as a troublemaker than a valuable employee, loving spouse, or family member.
Click to expand...
I would suggest the book Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, et. al. This may help you understand why that approach is wrongheaded.
Click to expand...
I wouldn’t characterize my bluntness the way you did. I am blunt because it allows for very little interpretation.
 
It sounds less like you have a sisterly, Christian concern for her eternal soul and more like you just want to rip her a new one because you disagree with her choices.

If you rarely speak to her, don’t like her, and have never gotten along with her - why start WWIII? She does not have to explain herself or “defend her positions” to you. No one has the right to make her do so. She’s a grown adult woman. You are a sister who never calls and speaks and thinks poorly of her.

It sounds like your plan consists of backing her into a corner and letting loose with the angry criticisms and accusations. If you want to destroy what little you have left with your sister, turn her away from the Church forever, be known as the family jerk, and disappoint your parents then go right ahead. Personally, I’d turn to prayer and start working on my relationship with my sister while leaving religion out of it. Only when you have established love, friendship and trust will she be receptive to gentle evangelization.
 
JackieMom said:
Personally, I’d turn to prayer and start working on my relationship with my sister while leaving religion out of it. Only when you have established love, friendship and trust will she be receptive to gentle evangelization.
Click to expand...
👍👍👍

Great advice!
 
RK, I think I understand what you’re trying to say, really, but I too, have to agree with the advise given, and for now pray for your sister. It may sound cliche, and you want immediate action, but the basic advise I read, I agree with. I have a daughter doing similar things, so I have an idea of where you’re coming from. I came across this thread while searching for my answer, and unfortunately, my answer is the same as yours. I know you love your sister or you would not have such strong feelings as you do. As parents, we may not have all the answers, but we can sometimes see a clearly incorrect one. Good luck and do pray.
 
Saint Therese said that she conquered more heart with prayer and fasting.

Funny, someone posted a link about Sister Faustina because i was about to refer her to you. Look into the divine Mercy Chaplet . I am currently reading her diary and one part she saw that the plant needed water badly due to a dry summer. She felt for them and went to the chapel and said that prayer for three hours and the rain started pouring. The lord then said to her that nothing will be refuse if this prayer is said.

Anyway, just a suggestion.

Love her even more and have compassion for her even more, clearly S… has his grip on her and she cans only see the light with prayer, love and kindness.

I went side track also with the Church and got involved in New age. Mother Mary is the one that helped me to understand how precious the Catholic Church is.

Start saying a rosary. I did a one week fast and rosary daily and my husband is now converted to the Catholic church. He will receive his first communion soon.

Anyway, consider to do a fast for her and pray.

All the best to you!
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top