My sister never loved her husband of nearly 30 years?

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Remember the story about my sister? She is in her early 50’s now…she divorced her husband a few years ago, after being married nearly 30 years to him. She started dating a married man, while she was going through her divorce…he left his wife, bla bla…and she saw the light with how immoral that whole thing was, and left him. She and I talked last night, and she said that she ‘can’t shake the feeling she had with him.’ (the married man she was dating who ended up leaving his wife)

I said…‘that was not true love, that was an affair.’ She agreed. And I said that because once they moved in together, and the illusion and mystery was gone–he treated her terribly. That’s not true love that they shared–(maybe she felt that way) but he didn’t.

But, she then told me a shocker…that she never loved her (ex) husband. I said…never? Not even in the beginning? She said no. Not even on our wedding day. She went on to say that she has reflected on this quite a bit, since I mentioned to her about going through the annulment process, as a healing process. She said that she has come to realize that she only married him to get out of ‘the house.’ (my dad was somewhat controlling back then, I was too little to remember how he treated her–she is 13 yrs my senior)

I said…‘not even on your wedding day.’ She replied…‘I remember that day like it was yesterday, and knew that I was making a mistake.’ WHAT?:eek:

I told her that this would be grounds for an annulment. She said she is ‘afraid’ that her ex will be enraged that she is calling a marriage of nearly 30 years (in which he truly loved her) invalid.

I don’t know what to make of this. On a self-centered note, her ex was very mean to me growing up, and to think that I had to go through his verbal abuse, and she didn’t even love the guy? It was like a punch to my stomach last night, hearing that.😦 (FYI, my sister and ex BIL became my legal guardians after my parents passed when I was 9/10 yrs old)

But back to her–what would your advice be to her, if she were your sister?
 
whatevergirl said:
Remember the story about my sister? She is in her early 50’s now…she divorced her husband a few years ago, after being married nearly 30 years to him. She started dating a married man, while she was going through her divorce…he left his wife, bla bla…and she saw the light with how immoral that whole thing was, and left him. She and I talked last night, and she said that she ‘can’t shake the feeling she had with him.’ (the married man she was dating who ended up leaving his wife)

I said…‘that was not true love, that was an affair.’ She agreed. And I said that because once they moved in together, and the illusion and mystery was gone–he treated her terribly. That’s not true love that they shared–(maybe she felt that way) but he didn’t.

But, she then told me a shocker…that she never loved her (ex) husband. I said…never? Not even in the beginning? She said no. Not even on our wedding day. She went on to say that she has reflected on this quite a bit, since I mentioned to her about going through the annulment process, as a healing process. She said that she has come to realize that she only married him to get out of ‘the house.’ (my dad was somewhat controlling back then, I was too little to remember how he treated her–she is 13 yrs my senior)

I said…‘not even on your wedding day.’ She replied…‘I remember that day like it was yesterday, and knew that I was making a mistake.’ WHAT?:eek:

I told her that this would be grounds for an annulment. She said she is ‘afraid’ that her ex will be enraged that she is calling a marriage of nearly 30 years (in which he truly loved her) invalid.

I don’t know what to make of this. On a self-centered note, her ex was very mean to me growing up, and to think that I had to go through his verbal abuse, and she didn’t even love the guy? It was like a punch to my stomach last night, hearing that.😦 (FYI, my sister and ex BIL became my legal guardians after my parents passed when I was 9/10 yrs old)

But back to her–what would your advice be to her, if she were your sister?
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Unless he goes to the Tribunal office and request to review her testimony, he will never know exactly why she applied to see if her marriage was valid to begin with.
 
gmarie21 said:
Unless he goes to the Tribunal office and request to review her testimony, he will never know exactly why she applied to see if her marriage was valid to begin with.
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When one goes through an annulment, how is the other party notified? I would assume by regular mail, so what types of paperwork is involved? Wouldn’t it show cause in the paperwork? I would imagine he’d ask – lol

She said…‘how can I tell someone who spent so much of his life loving me, that it was never really a marriage, because I went into it for the wrong reasons?’

I wonder if this is why people are sometimes put off with going through the process, especially if the marriage was long.
 
whatevergirl said:
When one goes through an annulment, how is the other party notified? I would assume by regular mail, so what types of paperwork is involved? Wouldn’t it show cause in the paperwork? I would imagine he’d ask – lol

She said…‘how can I tell someone who spent so much of his life loving me, that it was never really a marriage, because I went into it for the wrong reasons?’

I wonder if this is why people are sometimes put off with going through the process, especially if the marriage was long.
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The other party is informed that proceedings have been started and are given the same paperwork to complete if they so choose. But he WILL NOT see her testimony unless he physically goes to the Tribunal office, sits down, and reviews it (no copies are allowed to be made for him to take home). As for his feelings, well, they didn’t matter much to her when they divorced, why is she so concerned now?
 
Feeling in-love is not the same thing as loving. If your sister spent 30 years by this man’s side, helping him, cooking, cleaning, working, whatever… then she was demonstrating love for him. Too many people these days equate love to just being a ‘feeling’. Love is a decision. Marriage is a vow. The ‘feelings’ of love help a marriage a lot, but they are never there in any marriage 24/7. But the decision to love and the vow of marriage is what we should be focusing on and is what keeps marriages working!
 
Question:

The catholic church will grant an annulment after a 30 year marriage ? How ?
 
gmarie21 said:
The other party is informed that proceedings have been started and are given the same paperwork to complete if they so choose. But he WILL NOT see her testimony unless he physically goes to the Tribunal office, sits down, and reviews it (no copies are allowed to be made for him to take home). As for his feelings, well, they didn’t matter much to her when they divorced, why is she so concerned now?
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thanks for this info marie–you know what I think? I think it’s guilt. It’s guilt for leaving him, shortly after he had bypass surgeries, yes plural. Guilt for cheating. Guilt for betraying her vows and God. She has come such a long way…she has come back to The Church, praise be to God…but, I think her guilt is very smothering. I pray that she doesn’t allow it to overcome her.😦
 
Catholictrain said:
Feeling in-love is not the same thing as loving. If your sister spent 30 years by this man’s side, helping him, cooking, cleaning, working, whatever… then she was demonstrating love for him. Too many people these days equate love to just being a ‘feeling’. Love is a decision. Marriage is a vow. The ‘feelings’ of love help a marriage a lot, but they are never there in any marriage 24/7. But the decision to love and the vow of marriage is what we should be focusing on and is what keeps marriages working!
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It’s funny you say this…not in your exact words, but we chatted a bit about this last night. I said…there are so many levels of love. Erotic love is important, but not enough to build a lifelong marriage on. I think that is the type of love she even had with her own hubby…physical attraction…bla bla…She said she loved him as a person, but she said she was never ‘happy with selecting him as her husband.’ She said she stayed all those years because of the children.
 
23eagle23 said:
Question:
The catholic church will grant an annulment after a 30 year marriage ? How ?
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They look at the evidence, talk to witnesses and hold a hearing at which one member of the tribunal argues that the marriage was invalid and another party (known as the defender of the marriage) argues the case for validity. They then give a decision.
 
ok, thank you…very simple answer,

I meant no disrepect by the question…
 
Thanks fran–suppose her ex contests it?

Can an annulment go through, if one spouse contests? Just because she believed the marriage to be a sham, doesn’t mean her ex will feel this way. I was raised by them pretty much, I remember that she was the one that seemed so unhappy, and he really seemed to love her, although I didn’t get along with him.

I have forgiven him–he and I have become great friends over these past few years, and he forgives my sister. They are on speaking terms, bla bla…but, he would be truly dumbfounded if she sought an annulment…

Or…maybe he would be ok with it? I dunno!🤷

Just curious though if he contests…what happens?
 
For annulment purposes, I suppose the question is not whether she loved him. The quesion is whether on the day of her wedding she intended a lifelong commitment of permanence, fidelity, and openness to life.
 
JimG said:
For annulment purposes, I suppose the question is not whether she loved him. The quesion is whether on the day of her wedding she intended a lifelong commitment of permanence, fidelity, and openness to life.
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It’s also whether she came to the marriage freely. If she felt obliged to marry to escape her father’s house then she might be deemed to not have come to the marriage freely.
 
Hello,

Does your sister have to wait to recieve holy communion until this is solved? :confused:
 
JimG said:
For annulment purposes, I suppose the question is not whether she loved him. The quesion is whether on the day of her wedding she intended a lifelong commitment of permanence, fidelity, and openness to life.
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Exactly. Feeling in love is not required for a valid marriage.

PLEASE get a copy of Ed Peter’s book on Annulments, he is a canon law expert, and can give you a clear understand of what a decree of nullity is and what it is not.

Annulments And The Catholic Church: Straight Answers To Tough Questions by Edward N. Peters
 
JimG said:
For annulment purposes, I suppose the question is not whether she loved him. The quesion is whether on the day of her wedding she intended a lifelong commitment of permanence, fidelity, and openness to life.
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Really? It’s not about love?
:confused:

Hmm.

I think she did ‘think’ she’d be married to him for a lifetime, and she always had an openness to life, and they raised their kids Catholic.

Part of what my sister struggles with, is the same thing I used to struggle with–fear of intimacy, because people we love leave us…granted through death. But, that type of thing is hard to shake. I remember her expectations of my BIL being somewhat unreasonable at times…like he should be able to make the rain stop, if it’s pouring outside, because she wants it that way, kind of unreasonable. Exaggerating, but she blamed so much of her unhappiness in life on him.

I can’t believe love is not taken into account??? I’m still so struck by your statement!
 
kage_ar said:
Exactly. Feeling in love is not required for a valid marriage.

PLEASE get a copy of Ed Peter’s book on Annulments, he is a canon law expert, and can give you a clear understand of what a decree of nullity is and what it is not.

Annulments And The Catholic Church: Straight Answers To Tough Questions by Edward N. Peters
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what? who marries someone he/she doesn’t love? :confused: I’m not trying to argue, I’m truly bowled over here. I love my husband, but I also intend to be there for him through thick and thin, and he for me. I’m not sure without love that would be possible?
 
Phemie said:
It’s also whether she came to the marriage freely. If she felt obliged to marry to escape her father’s house then she might be deemed to not have come to the marriage freely.
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that’s what she feels…bingo. She pretty much spelled it out that way last night. And she said it so…nonchalantly. Like she had truly reflected on what it might mean to go through the annulment process…and has come to peace with that the marriage was never really a true marriage…on her part.
 
Phemie said:
Not if she’s been to confession as is living a chaste life.
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I truly care (and hurt) for her. I am not meaning to sound…gossipy. But, she hasn’t always been living chastely since the divorce…but, she might have gone to confession…that I don’t know. We’ll leave it at that.😦
 
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