My sister never loved her husband of nearly 30 years?

[Phemie]

Actually, the Decree of nullity doesn’t deny the marriage existed; it notes the lack of it having ever been a sacramental marriage, and that that was established to the satisfaction of the tribunal. The process does not normally deny that the public non-sacramental marriage existed.

A decree of nullity rules that there was never a VALID marriage as defined by the Catholic Church. While a marriage that is not valid is obviously not sacramental, a marriage that is valid is not necessarily sacramental.

 

[thomfra]

Feeling in-love is not the same thing as loving. If your sister spent 30 years by this man’s side, helping him, cooking, cleaning, working, whatever… then she was demonstrating love for him. Too many people these days equate love to just being a ‘feeling’. Love is a decision. Marriage is a vow. The ‘feelings’ of love help a marriage a lot, but they are never there in any marriage 24/7. But the decision to love and the vow of marriage is what we should be focusing on and is what keeps marriages working!

One **knows **whether one loves somebody or not. Love is a feeling. One can’t just “decide” to start loving someone. And if it doesn’t happen after 30 years, it’s not going to happen.

 

[japhy]

Actually, the Decree of nullity doesn’t deny the marriage existed; it notes the lack of it having ever been a sacramental marriage, and that that was established to the satisfaction of the tribunal. The process does not normally deny that the public non-sacramental marriage existed.

Sorry, I should have been more specific. Sacramentality is what I was referring to, as you point out.

 

[Phemie]

Sorry, I should have been more specific. Sacramentality is what I was referring to, as you point out.

No, since not all valid marriages are sacramental.

 

[japhy]

No, since not all valid marriages are sacramental.

I’m probably out of my league here.

 

[Phemie]

I’m probably out of my league here.

Actually, you were right in your first response. A decree of nullity says that a valid marriage never existed, ‘valid’ in this case is defined by Church law, not civil law.

Valid marriages may be sacramental (a baptized man & a baptized woman) or natural (one or both parties not baptized). But you knew that.

 

[onmyknees]

One **knows **whether one loves somebody or not. Love is a feeling. One can’t just “decide” to start loving someone. And if it doesn’t happen after 30 years, it’s not going to happen.

Hi thomfra, I don’t agree with this. One can just decide to love someone without having the feelings of love. It is an act of the will. A selfless act of giving to a person is loving them. I have been married for 31 years without the feeling of being in love. But I do love my husband.

 

[bilop]

Thank you so much! I am praying for humility, strength and patience. Can I ask for your prayers also? May God bless you.

I will say a prayer for you and your husband.

You comittment to marriage is admirable, and you will be richly rewarded by God.

God Bless

 

[bilop]

Hi thomfra, I don’t agree with this. One can just decide to love someone without having the feelings of love. It is an act of the will. A selfless act of giving to a person is loving them. I have been married for 31 years without the feeling of being in love. But I do love my husband.

I agree with “onmyknees”. In the past I though I was “in love” with several women, attraction, chemistry, etc.

I love my wife. Totally different animal.

God Bless

 

[whatevergirl]

I have rushed through this thread but will come back later to these…(thank you all for your advice, and thoughts on this)

but something that jumped out at me is a poster who said that she married for security. But, should we not marry out of genuine love for the person we are marrying? I agree that love has many definitions in our culture today, often very superficial. But, if what we’re saying here is that our feelings shouldn’t come into play in marriage…why wouldn’t I have married the first guy I had a serious relationship with, then? If we should remain married to someone no matter what, because it has nothing to do with love or how we feel about that person or marriage–why would the annulment process be needed?

I understand the points about being ‘in love,’ and how feelings can change …but, I love my husband…I don’t know how my sister lasted for nearly 30 years with someone she did not feel love with…or how anyone lasts in marriages where they truly don’t have any attraction or feelings of love for their spouse. (other than …I made a vow, and I’m sticking with it) I don’t think I could have married my husband for motives other than love.

 

[trustinyou]

.

She started dating a married man, while she was going through her divorce…he left his wife, bla bla

I say let her go for an annulment if she wishes and let the tribunal decide…“She started dating a married man,while she was going thur her divorce”…are you sure this man isnt the real reason for the divorce?..this may not be your case and i am sorry if it has offended you, but there are so many cases of man leaving woman ,woman leaving man for another that it isnt funny,and they usually break up,and naturally, families are destroyed…adultress affairs seldom last…

 

[whatevergirl]

. She started dating a married man, while she was going through her divorce…he left his wife, bla bla

I say let her go for an annulment if she wishes and let the tribunal decide…“She started dating a married man,while she was going thur her divorce”…are you sure this man isnt the real reason for the divorce?..this may not be your case and i am sorry if it has offended you, but there are so many cases of man leaving woman ,woman leaving man for another that it isnt funny,and they usually break up,and naturally, families are destroyed…adultress affairs seldom last…

No offense taken. I grew up with them both until I went off to college, and I even then saw snippits of their marriage. My sister has been unhappy for YEARS. She is actually happier (laughs more, etc) now, than when married. But, the man that came into the picture during her separation, and divorce…sort of was the icing on the cake. It was the ‘greener grass’ that she was sure she had been missing out on, only to find out…he used her. Her husband never used her…she made a comment to that effect the other night…‘He truly loved me.’ She has not met anyone since then, who she can say truly loved her. (since divorcing)

If you were to interview her ex…he believes she was having affairs long before that man, and that he was the one who caused the marriage to end.

You could be right. I mean, until that man came along…she never asked for a divorce.

Putting it this way–my sister (like I had to as well when I went through a separation with my husband years ago) learned that true love, is about commitment, and no conditions. The people she meets on this one online dating service…yikes. I would rather be single, if I were her…it is not easy to find TRUE love, as God has for us. Unfortunately, like many women, (like me even) we bought into the Cinderella complex (which is a book)…which basically your prince will wipe away everything that has ever gone wrong in your life…that is NOT what a marriage or husband is for. I had just wished my sister could have hung on long enough…to have learned that vital point. She would have viewed her husband differently, I think.

Is it too late for them to get back? I have hinted this to her, and she says…‘he would never take me back.’ ALAS! She has thought about it though!

 

[bilop]

Is it too late for them to get back? I have hinted this to her, and she says…‘he would never take me back.’ ALAS! She has thought about it though!

She’ll never know unless she asks.

But she better go with a whole heap of humility and apologizing, if she goes.

God Bless

 

[onmyknees]

I will say a prayer for you and your husband.

You comittment to marriage is admirable, and you will be richly rewarded by God.

God Bless

Hi bilop, I have read some of your posts before and I think that your prayer will be really powerful with God. Thank you so much for the prayer and your kind words!

 

[whatevergirl]

She’ll never know unless she asks.

But she better go with a whole heap of humility and apologizing, if she goes.

God Bless

I agree. I think they have had a heart to heart recently…where she apologized for hurting him. I always thought that their marriage could have been saved. thanks bilop!

 

[kage_ar]

And to agree with some of those above. Love is very much a decision. You do decide who you will love, some folks let emotions or chemical attraction guide that decision - that does not make it any less of a decision.

 

[Brendan]

And to agree with some of those above. Love is very much a decision. You do decide who you will love, some folks let emotions or chemical attraction guide that decision - that does not make it any less of a decision.

100% spot on.

Love is not a emotion or chemical response. It is a decision of the will to desire the greatest good for another and to place their needs above your own.

 

[onmyknees]

I have rushed through this thread but will come back later to these…(thank you all for your advice, and thoughts on this)

but something that jumped out at me is a poster who said that she married for security. But, should we not marry out of genuine love for the person we are marrying? I agree that love has many definitions in our culture today, often very superficial. But, if what we’re saying here is that our feelings shouldn’t come into play in marriage…why wouldn’t I have married the first guy I had a serious relationship with, then? If we should remain married to someone no matter what, because it has nothing to do with love or how we feel about that person or marriage–why would the annulment process be needed?

I understand the points about being ‘in love,’ and how feelings can change …but, I love my husband…I don’t know how my sister lasted for nearly 30 years with someone she did not feel love with…or how anyone lasts in marriages where they truly don’t have any attraction or feelings of love for their spouse. (other than …I made a vow, and I’m sticking with it) I don’t think I could have married my husband for motives other than love.

Hi whatevergirl, I think it is better to choose your mate with your intellect than with your feelings. That is wonderful that you feel in love with your husband. I do love my husband.

In my opinion some Catholics are using the annulment process without a serious reason. I have a friend whose wife left, divorced him and remarried. He knows he could find someone in the Church who would grant him an annulment even though they were married validly. He won’t do this though because it would be wrong. He knows that he is still married in the eyes of God. He still refers to her as his bride. Now that is a sacrificial love!

 

[EasterJoy]

100% spot on.

Love is not a emotion or chemical response. It is a decision of the will to desire the greatest good for another and to place their needs above your own.

Exactly. A marriage is not entered by the action of emotion or of intellect, but by mutual and free acts of the will. Emotion and intellect are important, but only because of the effect these have on the quality of the free choice that is essential to marriage.

 

[whatevergirl]

Exactly. A marriage is not entered by the action of emotion or of intellect, but by mutual and free acts of the will. Emotion and intellect are important, but only because of the effect these have on the quality of the free choice that is essential to marriage.

onmyknees and Easter–thank you–that makes perfect sense!

I remember praying for God to direct me to the ‘right’ person He had set out for me before I met my husband, back in college. It’s interesting, because when my now husband came my way, I was like…“ok, are you serious God?” lol My husband and I hit it off right away, but…he was 10 years older than me, and he was ready for marriage. I didn’t think I was. I gave it to God…my dh and I became friends, and while we fell in love with one another so to speak–I can honestly say that we both felt that God called us to each other. In reading through this thread, and reflecting on what you’re all saying–my sister obviously didn’t do that. And, she selected someone based on her needs, and not what God wanted for her…(which she might not have even known to do that) and also her homelife circumstances, feeling that she needed to get out of the house. Thanks everyone for your insight…the next time I speak with her, I can add some of your thoughts to the conversation and see where it leads.