My sister in Christ, my understanding is that a sacramental marriage is a union of male and female that “God has joined together.” Jesus commanded that we not let man separate what “God has joined together” (Matthew 19:6, Mark 10:9). The pursuit of an annulment is an expression of doubt that “God has joined together.” If “God has joined together,” then it is a sinful thought to have that doubt. An annulment is a priest’s declaration that “God has
not joined together.” It is a frightful declaration for a priest who has the fear of the Lord to make; because if it is an erroneous declaration, then he disobeys the command to not let man separate what “God has joined together.” Jesus said that a man who divorces his wife “causes her to commit adultery” (Matthew 5:32). This is because her husband exposes her to the
temptation (1st Corinthians 7:5) of pursuing a man other than her husband. A priest who erroneously declares “God has
not joined together” also “causes her to commit adultery,” because he puts his blessing on the pursuit of that
temptation. Adultery was the subject of conversation both before and after our Lord made the graphic comment about it being better to “pluck out” our eye or “cut off” our hand if either of those were to cause us to go to
Gehenna (Matthew 5:29-30).
A woman pursues a man by engaging in conversation with a man and then letting him date her in response to him asking her out on a date. When she does this, she is either sinning or she is not sinning. If she is a close relative of the man (Leviticus 18:6-18 + Deuteronomy 25:5 exception) or if “God has joined together” either her or the man to someone else (Leviticus 18:20) who is still living (1st Corinthians 7:39), then she is sinning by dating. This sin would be called “coveting” or “lust” or “committing adultery in the heart” (Matthew 5:28). For all of these reasons, the counsel that I strongly recommend that you give your sister is this:
if God has joined together you and BIL, then any man who dates you would be coveting a neighbor’s wife (Exodus 20:17). Stating it like that should not sound “preachy” to her, because it puts the focus not on her but on men who ask her out on a date. She’ll probably recognize “coveting a neighbor’s wife” as the 10th commandment. She may ask, “how do I know if God has joined together me and BIL?” You would then be free to state what you believe to be the answer to that question. She may consult another for a 2nd opinion. She may consult the opinion of a priest. Consulting the opinion of a priest would be the first step towards pursuing an annulment. At this point that’s a better choice than dating, but not as good of a choice as “remain unmarried or be reconciled” (1st Corinthians 7:11) as BIL appears to be doing.
Personally, if my wife of 19 years was to suddenly tell me that she is leaving me because she has never loved me, then I would not put my priest in the difficult spot of trying to figure out whether he can state “God hath
not joined together.” As the one who accepted the position of authority in my domestic church (1st Corinthians 11:3), I would humbly advise my wife that she ought not put a priest in that difficult spot either. I would not sign a civil divorce certificate unless there was a threat to any of the assets of our domestic church if I were to not sign. I would tell my wife’s family and friends that I would greatly appreciate it if they could counsel her against dating other men, because I will always want my wife to go to heaven. We are not to allow the devil to deceive us into thinking that either the covetous or the adulterous can go to heaven (1st Corinthians 6:9-10). If I were to ever notice a woman having too much conversation with me despite the ring on my finger, then I would kindly ask her if she wouldn’t mind meeting my wife, because my wife would need to be spending her spare time in the pleasant company of family and female friends who can gently guide her away from thoughts of dating other men. This would not be a request for them to serve as matchmakers, but for them to give the Holy Spirit the opportunity to serve as a matchmaker through our unending gratitude to God for what He did at the cross that we would need to keep expressing in our respective “prayer and fasting” (1st Corinthians 7:5) sabbaticals that are to be kept holy and free of adulterous thoughts. A man is not in a strong position to tell his wife who leaves him that she is not free to date other men, because from her perspective it will sound like he is just being bitter and jealous. Such a man depends upon others, especially his wife’s family and friends, to tell his wife that according to the Word of God spoken in sacred scripture, she is not free to date other men. The use of sacred scripture helps her understand that this is not about an “evil controlling Magisterium telling her how to live her life,” but the one who suffered at the cross so that we would live life with holiness, without which no one can see the Lord (Hebrews 12:14).
My opinion with regards to a marriage like your sister’s is not so much an opinion as it is a conviction. Every sacrament has “form” and “matter.” In the sacrament of the Eucharist, the “form” is the words Jesus spoke and the priest repeats. The “matter” is the body and blood of Christ in the appearance of bread and wine. I don’t have a copy of the Catechesis available but according to
secondexodus.com, the “form” of the sacrament of marriage is “the man and woman conferring the sacrament on each other as witnessed by the Church” and the “matter” is “the consent of the man and woman, expressed externally by words and signs.” My wife and I conferred the sacrament on each other before a priest, a nun at the piano, and 7 witnesses in the pews. That was the “form.” Sometimes my wife laments not having gotten to experience a big wedding, but I always smile and tell her that it was the perfect wedding, because 7 is the symbol of perfection. Since fathers pay for weddings, I am hoping that our daughter buys into that line of reasoning on what constitutes a perfect wedding.
Anyway, in my case, 9 individuals in all witnessed the “form” of our sacrament. No human being witnessed the “matter” of our sacrament since “consent” comes from the heart and no person can look inside a person’s heart. Only God witnessed the “consent” that makes up the “matter” of the sacrament of marriage. The annulment process is a search for “words and signs” that would show that this “consent” occurred. Now I don’t know what “signs” the marriage tribunals search for, but as a married man of 19 years, I would think that consensual intercourse should be at the top of the list of “signs” that show “consent” occurred. In my case, 19 years of consensual intercourse is a lot of consent! I will never doubt that my wife and I entered into the sacrament of marriage no matter what thoughts of hers she might express to me from this point on. We’ll simply need to work on our relationships with God and with each other if her feelings for me were to go away or if she were to think that her feelings for me were never there.
I wrote this lengthy response out of a sense of Christian duty to express my conviction regarding your sister’s situation to you at the point in time that I needed to express it to you. My conviction is that “God has joined together” your sister and her husband, that a man who dates her covets a neighbor’s wife, and that a woman who dates your brother-in-law covets a neighbor’s husband. My conviction has nothing to do with legalism. It is a conviction that is based upon the extremely high level of respect (Hebrews 13:4) God has instilled within me for the sanctity of the act that has the potential of bringing a human being into eternal existence. I wish every priest always had this level of respect for the sanctity of marriage; because if they did, it would be impossible for Satan to ever succeed with a priest in the temptation of any kind of sexual sin. Now, if an annulment is pursued and an annulment is granted for your sister’s case, both I and any other baptized Roman Catholic who shares my conviction would be under obligation to keep our convictions to ourselves beginning at the point in time that the annulment is granted. This is because we lay Roman Catholics are in submission to the authority of the Roman Catholic Church. It means always having respect for the responsibility and accountability before God that comes with those who accept that position of authority over us (Luke 12:47-48, Hebrews 13:17), even when our conscience disagrees with the conscience of one who has accepted that position of authority.
As long as the conviction I have is expressed at the time it needs to be expressed, I can be at peace with God in the confidence of me not having been a participant in letting man separate what my conscience believes “God has joined together.” As long as the conviction I have is expressed at the time it needs to be expressed, I can also be at peace in being silent on this matter from the time the annulment is granted to the time I pass from this earth, letting God judge the person(s) who pursued the annulment, the person who granted the annulment, and the person(s) who trusted the annulment by dating and/or marrying the recipient(s) of the annulment.
If you share my conviction that “God has joined together” your sister and brother-in-law and if the fear of the Lord tells you to not be a participant in letting man separate what you believe “God has joined together,” then you should humbly express your conviction to your sister, to your brother-in-law, to any person who might be dating either of them, and to their priest(s). For reasons I will soon explain, write down the date you expressed your conviction to another person. If your sister and/or brother-in-law pursue an annulment anyway and get granted an annulment by a priest (the head of the marriage tribunal), then at the point in time you find out that the annulment has been granted you would have to stop stating or commenting on your conviction that “God has joined together” your sister and brother-in-law out of respect for the church authority over us.
You need the dates that you wrote down your statements on a piece of paper so that if someone who didn’t hear the conviction you stated comes along and starts dating either your sister or your brother-in-law, then you can humbly inform that person that on such-and-such a date you stated your conviction to so-and-so that “God has joined together” your sister and brother-in-law. Repeat that for each of your recorded statements on your chronological list until you get to the date you found out that an annulment had been granted. The person may ask you, “do you still have that conviction now?” That’s an unfair question, because even a “no” response portrays you as wishy-washy. You cannot lie either (Matthew 5:37). If you are asked that question, then you should just reply, “no comment.” This is because if you reply “yes,” then you would commit a type of spiritual adultery against our spiritual husband, the vicar of Christ (Ephesians 5:32), by disrespecting the church authority over us (Hebrews 13:17). This is the church authority that began with Jesus Christ himself before he handed the keys to St. Peter (Matthew 16:18) and every successor of St. Peter from that day until the day the Lord returns (Matthew 28:20) to judge everyone on the earth beginning with us in the Church (1st Peter 4:17).
As far as a church consisting of a spiritual husband of 400,000 celibate priests and a spiritual wife of 1.1 billion single or married lay members is concerned, a lay member’s conviction is very insignificant. But as far as that lay member is concerned, his/her conviction is very significant, because each and every one of us will one day stand before the judgment seat of Christ (Romans 14:10). It is impossible for a baptized Roman Catholic Christian who responds to a divorce situation in the manner I just described to be judged as having disobeyed the Lord by letting man separate what “God has joined together.” Don’t be deceived into thinking your sister’s marriage is none of your business. The Lord made it your business when he gave us the command to not let man separate what “God has joined together.” It was to witnesses at a wedding that the quiet, humble, and blessed mother of our Lord (Luke 1:42-43) gave the only command I recall her giving in sacred scripture, “whatever he says to you, do it” (John 2:5). Sister in Christ, this concludes my humble counsel stated prayerfully from one lay Roman Catholic to another in fear of the Lord.
(FYI, my sister and ex BIL became my legal guardians after my parents passed when I was 9/10 yrs old)
The beauty of when we get out of God’s way and let Him work through us, is I might never have said anything…and just kept quiet, about all of this, but with God working through me–I am bolder in bringing things up–I think she is becoming more and more open to the idea of an annulment. I somewhat wish she would go back with her ‘ex.’ It seems like it could work…they have both grown from being apart now for the past few years–maybe their marriage would be even better.