My sister says she is "unable to love." How do I help?

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WildCatholic

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First of all lets just say my sister is a wonderful person with a troubled soul. She currently suffers from depression and anxiety (and finally seeing a shrink, praise God!) but the thing that worries me is that she doesn’t feel “normal” and feels she is “unable to love”.

Now I know most would say it is impossible to be unable to love, but sadly with my sister I can see it. It seems like she is never happy, and typically ranges between a kind of numbness and anger and is only happy when she’s watching her favorite tv shows or reading which she does obsessively to the point it interferes with her studies (she’s 22 and is a college student.) She even takes a suitcase full of books to college with her to read and she also loves to write as well and is majoring in english but is always close to failing out.

Besides these issues, she doesn’t have any friends but what’s more disturbing is that she says now she doesn’t want any or care about people and says she “hates people” and “can’t be friendly”. I’m sure part of this is bullying. My sister is a rather heavy set woman with a speech impediment and was bullied especially hard from 2nd grade until 6th grade and basically feels that people stopped bullying her because our dad died of cancer. Anyway she says she went through a "numb " stage and doesn’t remember much from the year after dad died. High school was okay for her but not great until her junior and senior year. By then she had found friends and was on the speech team and doing journalism and was seen by others as relatively well liked. Still though she never felt like she fit in but still she seemed okay to me then, and I was hopeful for her future

The real problem happened in college. She had a few crumby roommates (one who brought guys over for you know what while my sister was sleeping, and one who said my sister stole her prozac, and one who was friendly and nice but not exactly the best role model), and also some creepy guys asked her out (she turned them down both though one she kept talking to for a month until he said "I can’t wait till were married:eek:) and she just doesn’t seem to want to make friends. She also can’t speak in public anymore like she used to. Worst of all is though this feeling that she “hates people” and feels that she isn’t able to love and doesn’t see it as a problem.

It breaks my heart to see her be so mean. She calls my brother with high functioning autism “stupid” and “idjit” and when he complains she says he’s “too sensitive” and calls me these names too. She cusses worse than most truckers and when we tell her to stop she says “I can say whatever I want. If you want me to shut up, stitch my mouth shut” and has gotten physically violent with us over things. She also bosses me and my brother around and is pushy and loud. Its sad because at times I see her somewhat happy and still witty and funny like i remember her but then she gets angry at us and my mom.

And one last thing (i might put this in apologetics) she doesn’t believe in organized religion. Currently I am the only practicing catholic in my family but my mom and brother still believe in it. However my sister says when a religion is organized it leads to things like paedophilia and its ruined. So therefore she believes in God but not religion (which is the dumbest most apathetic excuse for no faith i’ve ever heard) and makes fun of me for my faith.

So what do i do (besides pray of course;)) I just want her to be happy, but is she unable to love or feel emotions? Could god make a person like this and if so why my sister? She’s had so many problems that have crushed her and made her hard that i just want to cry?

Sorry for writing a novel but I want any help possible.

Thanks and God Bless

WildCatholic
 
I wish I had some advice, but be assured of my prayers. This world is so full of broken people. I pray that soon we can all be healed.
 
Does she know what love means? Love is to will the good of the other as other and do something about it (thank you Fr. Barron).
 
TheSurvivor said:
Does she know what love means? Love is to will the good of the other as other and do something about it (thank you Fr. Barron).
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I don’t know if she knows that definition but I think the problem is that she doesn’t care about the good of others or herself. It’s strange because she has no empathy for others a lot of the time, but doesn’t care about herself either and what she does or how she looks or acts. It’s almost like she is a wounded animal who doesn’t know how to deal with pain and just attacks and hurts others even though it needs help. Also sadly I think she was so sensitive that the bullying and not being liked at college really hurt her on a deep level (or maybe her pool of feelings was really shallow and thus she doesn’t have the resilience to handle them?)
 
WildCatholic said:
I don’t know if she knows that definition but I think the problem is that she doesn’t care about the good of others or herself. It’s strange because she has no empathy for others a lot of the time, but doesn’t care about herself either and what she does or how she looks or acts. It’s almost like she is a wounded animal who doesn’t know how to deal with pain and just attacks and hurts others even though it needs help. Also sadly I think she was so sensitive that the bullying and not being liked at college really hurt her on a deep level (or maybe her pool of feelings was really shallow and thus she doesn’t have the resilience to handle them?)
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I cried reading your post. I thank God she has a sister like you! (which is not an accident)
What you wrote above here seems true. (your analogy of the wounded animal) I’m only a 2 year old Catholic (convert and very into my Catholic faith reading tons of things:)) but along with prayer you (and others) should make reparations(??is that the right term??!) for her. In otherwords do something of sacrifice while praying. Fasting, going without media for a period of time…something…anything of sacrifice but do so in conjunction with prayer. Go to Adoration (this is what drew me into the Church so I know the power in His presence) and spend an hour there. The more you can get to join you the better. If no one is willing to join you I will however I may be gone for the next couple weeks. But if a time works out I have no problem joining you in prayer and penance for her soul. (PM me if you want me to help in some way)

Do not loose heart and continue to show her Christ’s love and acceptance. Since she reads perhaps you could give her a good Catholic book. (Choosing the right one is the challenge…pray as you look in a Catholic bookstore or ask the person there after explaining her needs) Also, put a blessed green scapular or cross under her mattress of her bed. (without her seeing you do this) Or surround her room (place she lives) with Holy water or salt? Go to a Catholic prayer group if there is one in your area for support.

In Christ’s love,
mlz
 
Hi WildCatholic,

I am so very sorry for what is happening in your family. Depression runs in my family, so I understand what it is like to see someone be depressed, first-hand.

I think when someone is quite depressed, they are just in so much emotional pain that they have a difficult time relating to others in different ways.

I think that this can come across as anger, and apathy and a lack of empathy, such as what you are seeing, and also as indifference towards others.

Each person can respond differently to being depressed in different ways, but here are some of the things that I have experienced with people in my own family who have been depressed:

They tend to kind of emotionally “shut down” in a lot of ways, and also tend to close themselves off from others, too. They also want to be alone. These are some of the things that I have personally experienced.

The person just doesn’t seem to care much about what is going on around them. In a way, they seem to be kind of more “self-absorbed” than they used to be. for lack of a better way of putting it.

From my own experience, all that you can try and do is keep on loving her and just keep trying to be as supportive of her as possible. And of course, keep praying for her and for the rest of your family, too.

God bless all of you.
 
Persistent prayer can work miracles. Continue to love her and show her kindness. Trust God to do the rest in His time.

Jesus Bless You! And sister too!!
 
She sounds like an extreme introvert. You can just be supportive and maybe she will meet someone she can love. But if she doesn’t that is OK, too.
 
Depression can manifiest itself in such behavior especially if it is severe. I am happy to hear she is seeing a psychiatrist. That is as good step and in my opinin from your post the best step she needs now. Hopefully she will now be encouraged to help herself by following any treatment the psychiatrist suggests such as medicines, therapy etc.

I’m sorry it’s such a difficult time and you are a very caring sister. I would continue to pray for her and some issues you note are to complex to deal with in a post. I will pray for you as well as you try to address these issues and support your sister the best you can.

Mary.
 
Praying for you and yours.

It’s true that there are some people who have a greater difficulty feeling empathy than other people (which happens in psychopathy), and there is a personality disorder (schizoid personality disorder) that describes people who don’t want friends at all.

While your sister may have this problem (I have a difficult time feeling emotions myself), that doesn’t mean she HAS to act the way she does. It’s up to her whether she acts unloving towards herself and others. It’s starts as a conscious decision to change her ways and habits, as it has been for me (I used to be a pretty messed up person). But, you can’t force her to make the choice to try to do what is good for others and herself if she doesn’t feel it at all. I would recommend just praying for her for now and showing her love and kindness.
 
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