My sister told her husband "go to hell"

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

I haven’t posted in a long time.

I have a close knit family. Today I heard my sister arguing with her husband, which they do a lot. I was in another room. He is pretty quiet and she gets loud and forceful. He gets under her skin, I guess, because he insists on making the same point over and over and often won’t seem to accept what she is saying. (She’s not the only one he acts like that with, but the only one who fights him on it.)

So things were getting really loud and I I heard her yell at him to go to hell. I never heard her say that before. Of course, he didn’t yell back since he is the quiet one. I wanted to cry.

I didn’t want to call attention to the fight by leaving and also I didn’t have a car. Eventually things calmed down. But I am disturbed by this. The entire family is Catholic, but I am the only one who attends Mass. I actually haven’t been able to get to a church for a few months, but that’s a separate issue. I do watch the Sunday Mass on TV. Of course, I long to be in a church.

I bring up that they are not attending Mass because I wonder if they wouldn’t argue in the way they do if they did attend faithfully. My sister once in a while brings up that she thought they might go but they overslept, or there is too much to do, or someone has a birthday party. Etc. It’s not like I am asking her about it. She just says it. It’s been years since they have gone to Mass.

Anyway, she seems to get very angry at her husband for little things or bg things. Just angry every day. I don’t think there is a day that goes by when she is not yelling.

I sometimes get worried that one of them is going to snap. More likely the quiet one. I know this can’t be good for their health.

Please don’t tell me to have a talk with her. To be honest, I am afraid of her anger myself. Plus she’s pretty much the leader or main wheel in our family. (Parents have all passed away.)

My brother in law has occasionally took me aside and said something like she gets in these bad moods. He doesn’t seem to get that when she is upset she is trying to get something through to him. Which I assume is why he does things that upset her. He thinks it’s just a “mood” that will pass.

I don’t really have someone to talk to about this so I just posted here because I feel so bad that these things happen and that someone I care about told someone else I care about to go to hell.

Thanks for listening.

 

[RandomAlias]

Be at peace.

In my opinion, when your sister said “Go to Hell,” she did not and could not have meant it literally. Sometimes when people fight, in the heat of the moment, they say awful things against their better judgement.

Bear in mind that not all arguing or yelling is bad. Maybe it’s a form of communication. In the movie Life As We Know It, one character overhears a couple arguing, and later he says “If my wife and I fought like that, we’d still be married.” Your sister and her husband conduct their marriage as they wish, and hopefully the love is stronger than the discord.

Pray with me for peace in your family and peace in your heart.

 

[AlNg]

I heard her yell at him to go to hell

I think you are right to be upset at that. This is a terrible thing to wish on anyone, especially for a woman to wish that on her husband.

I feel so bad that these things happen and that someone I care about told someone else I care about to go to hell.

We hear a lot about how women are abused by their husbands. But here we apparently have a sad case of where it is a woman who is abusing her husband and telling him that he should suffer the extreme punishment of everlasting fire and torment in hell. Perhaps someone can give a suggestion on what to do in a situation like that where the wife is full of anger and is yelling every day.

 

[Trishie]

I know of three instances where the husband is bullied by the wife.
It’s very sad to see and not be able to do a thing about it.
All three husbands are very unhappy. They do extra jobs and thoughtful acts, but the.wife can turn on them in instant. (I’ve known men who act the same.)
All that unnecessary misery!
We can talk about counselling but the truth is that it is extremely difficult to overcome habitual selfishness and lack of empathy n these people who bully their spouse.
They often are convinced that they do no wrong, only their spouse is doing all the wrong things. The spouses never know when the next verbal attack will come, and its often after they’ve done something kind. It’s very demoralising.
However the victim may need to seek help so that they can find a way to cope, or deal with the issues.

:bouquetlease God your sister and brother-in-law will find help to communicate better, and to find peace and happiness between themselves. Marriage can be very difficult and painful, but it shouldn’t be. It may not be bullying in their case, but lack of sufficient communication and understanding.
May God guide and bless the, and heal anything that requires healing.

 

[Carmel]

Hi Carol, anger is usually caused by frustration. Lots of things can cause anger, especially the refusal of one party in the marriage to discuss ( talk things through )
A woman could be angry because her husband is a married bachelor. He may have married to gain a housekeeper, cook, or mother for his children. He may wish to retain his independence while having all the benefits of being a married man.
While your sister may have anger issues that need addressing, I can tell you that there are men who disrespect their wives by refusing to treat their wives with a minimum of consideration.
If she was my sister I would pray a Rosary for her, and then let her know that I’m there for her, and see if you could persuade her to seek Catholic counselling. It would help her to be able to sound off and get some feedback from an experienced third party.

 

[CAROLOFTHEBELLS]

Thank you all for your replies and for the reminders to pray for them.

I suppose they are caught in a cycle of really bad communication and each has their way of feeding into it.

By the way we are all in our early 60’s. They are retired. He just retired. I have noticed more tension since he retired. She likes that he is retired, it’s not that. I guess that relationships tend to change a little when people are around each other a lot.

They have both been married before. She has been taking care of one of her daughter’s little ones whIle daughter and husband work, now an 8 year old, a 5 year old, and a 2 year old. I have helped with that sometimes and now my brother in law is helpful. The 8 year old goes to an after school program. The 5 year old started going to school, so its mostly the 2 year old that thet have most of the day. The kids parents have a set schedule and only need her to watch them 3 to 4 days a week.

She very rarely expresses anger in front of the children and is kind to them. I am there a lot and help entertain them.

My brother on law tries to manage his finances well, but it’s not a strong point. He is more of the if you need it or want it, I’ll get it type. But he is controlling his impulses better now. They have both built up credit card debt and she is very good at managing it, but it’s a full time job and puts her on the edge. So if he goes to a store to pick up something and comes back with an unplanned purchase it’s difficult for her. It’s often something for her or for the house so he is trying to do something good. It’s a sad situation.

For years he had his own credit cards that he managed himself and she felt that when they got married she should not interfere with that. She saw that he got pleasure from treating other people to a meal, so why take that from him? Eventually, he came to her for help to manage his credit cards and then she realized their was a problem.

She has been a wiz at money management and they have gone from a big rented house to a smaller house they now own. But she needs to stay on top of things.

When she gets angry sometimes it is because of these tensions. But what sets it off is usually when he isn’t really hearing what she is saying and he just sort of bounces back what he said. So it sounds like he is not accepting she is making a valid point or even listening.

It has gotten to the point, though, where she is angry any time he does that or he disagrees with her and she yells at him about him doing that as well as imitating him. Mocking I guess.

 

[Viki63]

Ideally they would get some counseling, or maybe talk to the priest if counseling is not available. It sounds like she has some anger management issues.
You might mention to her that she seems to get angry almost every day, and ask if she’s happy living that way. You could say it’s hard to listen to, and must affect the small children. Aside from that, it’s their lives and you can pray for them.

 

[dallas_r]

If she doesn’t go a day without yelling then the couple should seek help. I would suggest talking to her husband and keeping a log of what she gets mad at him for and all of their arguments (no matter how small they are) and bring them to a counsellor. Because they probably aren’t ready to receive therapy or anything you should basically give all the advice the counsellor gives you and share it with the husband and the wife. Sounds kinda silly but you never know. Maybe they will be more open being that you are part of her family. Praying for your them.

 

[F_Marturana]

If you are noticing a sudden change in your sister’s personality, it could possibly be mental health.

My mother is in her mid seventies. She has dementia. I noticed changes in her almost 10 years before her diagnosis. I even had contacted The Alzheimer’s foundation for information.

She seemed to be better when she had her hearing aids updated. But I remember a couple of incidents. We lived above her and she invited invited some relatives to a Sunday dinner at our apartment without clearing it with us first. My DH was really annoyed about that.

Then another time she used the wrong word to describe my infant daughter. She used a word meaning prostitute but meant to use a term of endearment.

She was always a doting grandmother, very loving. But the slip up was out of character. I was hurt and embarrassed for a minute or two. But she had made a mistake.

I hope your sister is fine with her health. It might be stress.