My sister told my almost 90 year old dad that his brother died

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I am wondering if it’s ok to break this news to an elderly parent.

What do you think? Thanks
 
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I think he has a right to know. Besides that, it could get awkward if he did ask about someone, not knowing that they died, and then you had to tell him.

My husband told my MIL that her older sister died even though my MIL had Alzheimer’s. He did have to tell her again after that. And again. Eventually she didn’t even remember or ask about her.
 
Yes, he has a right to know. It’s was his brother after all. I’d never dream of keeping a thing like that from him. Give him the love and support he needs to grieve his brother.
 
I absolutely think it’s right to let someone know that someone they know and/or love has passed on. I’m not sure why you say he didn’t need to know. I think it’s his right to know.

And, of course he might feel a ‘little depressed’ if his brother has passed. It’s part of the grieving process.

… you obviously have a sister so how will you feel if everyone knows your sister passed away but they all decide not to tell you because you “don’t really need to know”?

Your Dad is an adult and he has siblings. He deserves to know. I think your sister is correct.
 
Ninety year old folks know family members die. They have a right to know when a family member passes. Thinking your protecting them is wrong. They’re stronger than you think.
 
Yes, they are, largely because they’ve been through many deaths and other misfortunes by the time they are elderly, and they have well-developed coping mechanisms even though it’s never easy.
 
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The only time I would not tell someone that one of their family members had died is if there was a reason to wait or if the person being told has lost the ability to store memories. There is no reason to upset someone about something he or she doesn’t have the capacity to remember ten minutes from now, let alone the ability to process it. (Corollary: do not remind a dementia patient over and over about bad news they have forgotten.)
 
@PetraG, so in the case of my MIL, are you suggesting my husband should have lied when his mom brought up calling her sister, or going to visit her?
 
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Why being 90 years old is enough in itself to not know who is alive or not?

If he has an senile illness such as Alzhameiher, well, the situation may be different.

If he is not and has a strong relationship with his brother, he has the right to know. To participate in the funeral, be present, or send flowers, and pay for a mass. To pray for him, to share memories of him with his family.

for my father, death is a taboo, and refuse that i revealed that my grandmother in law died to my 90 years old grandmother to not “demoralized” her as they are close in age. I am not sure it is the best approach, but I don’t do it. But when her sister died, of course he was awared, even if it was difficult for her to loose her beloved sister.
 
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Irishmom2 said:
@PetraG, so in the case of my MIL, are you suggesting my husband should have lied when his mom brought up calling her sister, or going to visit her?
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I had this situation when I was visiting my aunt, who had dementia. As I came in, she was upset because she had been trying to call her husband, who was dead. She’d been to his funeral–she just did not have the capacity to form long-term memories to remember it. She was dialing his cell phone over and over and worried that he wasn’t answering.

What did I say? I said, “Oh. Don doesn’t have cell phone service where he is.” She said, “He doesn’t? How do you know that?” I replied: “He just doesn’t have cell phone service there.” She was satisfied with that. Then I asked her: “Did you need to ask him about something that I could help you with?” Then we talked about what was bothering her.

My mother, who also had dementia, was agitated because she thought she was supposed to drive somewhere and pick up her mom (who had been dead for 40 years). I told Mom that of course her two older sisters (who had been very on top of things before they had died) would have it all taken care of, and so she didn’t need to worry. Then she was OK. Well, either her sisters were with their mom or they weren’t, but Mom was in no position to drive anybody anywhere. That truth would not have helped her to let go of the situation, though. Better to think positively!

I learned this technique in a class for caregivers by a nurse who specialized in dementia. She said to remember that when you tell someone with no long term memory that someone has died, to them it is always the first time they’ve heard about it. It is devastating news! Once someone has been told devastating news that they deserve to hear once, why remind them over and over? They can’t process it in a way that will free them from that devastation when they hear it again. I agree with not lying, but there are things to say that skirt the issue. The other thing the nurse said was that the main thing was to get at what was bothering the person. Once you help them feel they can cope with that, whatever it is, then they can peacefully go on with life.
 
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I recall how astonished I was, and embarrassed, when I learned that my aunt had passed away well after the fact, because nobody had informed me at the time. I could have had her anointed, if I had known just before she went. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with our dad and asked about her that I learned, for the first time, that she had gone. In my case, I don’t think it was a deliberate withholding. I think someone just forgot to tell me when they were supposed to.
 
Being elderly and/or ninety years old doesn’t mean someone has Alzheimer’s or dementia, neither of which is a normal part of aging. A lot of adults retain their right mind throughout their lives. As such, they deserve to know about the deaths of friends and relatives. Even if they did have Alzheimer’s or dementia, they’d deserve to know.

ETA: I’m rather sick of our death denying culture.
 
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CoffeeFanatic said:
Being elderly and/or ninety years old doesn’t mean someone has Alzheimer’s or dementia, neither of which is a normal part of aging. A lot of adults retain their right mind throughout their lives. As such, they deserve to know about the deaths of friends and relatives. Even if they did have Alzheimer’s or dementia, they’d deserve to know.

ETA: I’m rather sick of our death denying culture.
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Yes. As others pointed out, a 90 year old is probably more used to processing the news of a death than any of us are yet. (Most people do not get dementia before they die.)

If the person has dementia, well, give them one chance to form that memory. Tell them once. He or she deserves that dignity. Maybe something will click and they’ll process it. The brain is a mystery, after all. Once they’ve heard news that big and it didn’t sink in, though, don’t put them through the shock of the bad news over and over and over, if you can help it.
 
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JanR said:
I recall how astonished I was, and embarrassed, when I learned that my aunt had passed away well after the fact, because nobody had informed me at the time. I could have had her anointed, if I had known just before she went. It wasn’t until I was on the phone with our dad and asked about her that I learned, for the first time, that she had gone. In my case, I don’t think it was a deliberate withholding. I think someone just forgot to tell me when they were supposed to.
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This happened to me over and over once after my mom got dementia, because she was the main one who told me things. The other time I missed things was when two or three pieces of big news hit at the same time. If a cousin’s baby arrived at the same time as some big news in the immediate family, I might not get the news until I thought…hey, so and so was pregnant about 11 months ago, whatever happened with that? (And you have to ask someone at the edges, because if it was bad, you don’t want to put your foot in your mouth and ask someone close to the center of the news.)
 
When I was working as an in-home caregiver with a lady who had Alzheimers, I recall one day we were sitting in her livingroom, and she told me that the “people upstairs” were making too much noise. There wasn’t anyone upstairs – it was just her and me in the house. But I went over to the staircase and yelled up to those imaginary folks, “Hey! Quiet down, up there!” That satisfied her.

One thing I learned about advanced Alzheimers is that it can turn its sufferers into Jekell and Hyde. Complete opposite personality changes, just a day apart. I recall this one Sunday when she was so happy to have me there with her, and the very next day she was ordering me to leave her house. Nothing had happened in the meantime to warrant it – it was just her disease acting on her brain.

Alzheimers is insidious.
 
I was visiting my dad at his senior facility (he’s 79) a few months back when my sister called. She told me my dad’s brother had died. I told him face-to-face and he was obviously very sad.

We made sure to get him to the funeral and I think it was cathartic to see the old pictures, his nieces and nephews, and friends and extended family he hadn’t seen since the old neighborhood. It’s never a good time to have a loved one die but I think it was helpful to him to be able to say his proper goodbyes.

I hate to think what might have happened if he found out after the fact that not only was his brother was dead but that he missed the funeral.
 
My dad’s older brother will be gone 12 years in the beginning of March. (He died in March 2008.) We saw him ~ the end of February. He was my dad’s last living sibling (2 aunts & another uncle died previously). Dad had a good relationship with him and we were glad to see him one last time. TBH, I think the death of my uncle took a real toll on my dad even though he didn’t show it. The next year (2009) my dad passed away the day before my birthday.
 
Mike_from_NJ said:
I was visiting my dad at his senior facility (he’s 79) a few months back when my sister called. She told me my dad’s brother had died. I told him face-to-face and he was obviously very sad.

We made sure to get him to the funeral and I think it was cathartic to see the old pictures, his nieces and nephews, and friends and extended family he hadn’t seen since the old neighborhood. It’s never a good time to have a loved one die but I think it was helpful to him to be able to say his proper goodbyes.

I hate to think what might have happened if he found out after the fact that not only was his brother was dead but that he missed the funeral.
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On of my aunt’s children delivered the news when my mom, her sister, died. After the funeral (which my aunt couldn’t attend), I took the pictures over to her to look at. She remembered all the people in them and all the places. She asked why my mom couldn’t come and I said I thought since my mom couldn’t come to see my aunt, bringing the pictures were the next-best thing. She was OK with that. Bringing old pictures from the time frame they can still remember can be very enjoyable for someone suffering from memory loss.

(I went with my mom to a funeral for another aunt after my mom started to lose her memory pretty seriously. During the eulogies at the luncheon after Mass, my mom leaned over to me and asked where the aunt was that everyone was speaking of so glowingly, because she ought to be there to hear it! She didn’t make the connection that she was at a funeral luncheon. I didn’t correct her. I just said, “Yes, it is great to hear all these stories about her.” My mom was enjoying them; why upset her? We weren’t hiding anything from her–she had been at the funeral herself–but we weren’t saying things that would only upset her. .If you think about it, bringing up truths that are only going to upset someone and won’t help anything is kind of rude.
 
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My grandfather was in a nursing home for several years and was confined to bed. My aunt (his daughter) had been disabled, could not go to see him, and telephones were not as commonly used then, as they are now — cellphones didn’t exist and IIRC phones were not in the nursing home rooms. My aunt died from her disability. His children did not think he could take the shock and hurt of knowing she had died, so they never told him. He was not used to having her come to see him, so there was no sudden absence. When he would ask about her, the children would just tell him “she’s fine” — they were non-Catholic Christians and believed she had gone straight to heaven, so “fine” is precisely what she would have been. He was never told, and died a few months later not knowing.

In these circumstances, I think keeping the news from him, especially since it was possible to do so (he wasn’t able to read a newspaper, and I assume the nurses had been told not to mention it — his son owned the nursing home), was precisely the thing to do.
 
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