My sister tried to commit suicide today

[mommamaree]

Honestly, I wish I could just keep my niece.

When my sister got pregnant with her, my mom said maybe I would end up being infertile and so would want to adopt my sister’s baby. More than a little thoughtless for her to hope for my infertility, and the comment hurt at the time, but now I sometimes wish she were mine. I worry for her longterm emotional health and wellbeing. But she is not my daughter, so I try to just trust God.

My mother accuses my sister of the very same transgressions that she herself is guilty of, and sometimes it is quite wearisome to hear her gripe about what sounds like her own behavior.

I will look into that book “Boundaries”. I have told my mom many times that she is not respecting my boundaries (which aren’t very wide, as I have been quite generous with my mother out of love and gratitude for her). She does not seem to understand social norms, personal boundaries, truth, responsibilities and consequences.

She has come and gotten my niece and started the long trip home. Thankfully, her husband and a friend are gonna meet her halfway and her husband will drive her the rest of the way home while the friend drives my mom’s car back. I am so thankful that she will have help and company to make the drive safer and more comfortable. She is truly exhausted and hasn’t slept properly in days. But I still kinda wish my niece could have stayed with us for a while longer, or maybe forever. I am so horrible to think that way, but I just love that sweet little girl so much and I miss her beautiful face.

I am just surprised more each year how deep these problems run with my family members. Their understanding of reality is just so skewed and surreal that if it wasn’t so very sad, it could be comical. But, while each one of them recognize the dysfunction in the others, no one can truly see it within themselves (or they are not willing to acknowledge it). Because of this, I constantly am questioning my own sanity. I keep checking with friends and family, making sure that I am not the one who has gone off their rocker. It is really unnerving. Plus, my husband and his family thinks my whole family is full of sociopaths and jerks. Thankfully, they accepted me and helped me stay grounded through all of this.
Anyway, thank you again. I am definitely going to learn more about how to cope with this. I am sure this will not be the last time it happens.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Because of this, I constantly am questioning my own sanity. I keep checking with friends and family, making sure that I am not the one who has gone off their rocker. It is really unnerving. Plus, my husband and his family thinks my whole family is full of sociopaths and jerks. Thankfully, they accepted me and helped me stay grounded through all of this…

I can only imagine how difficult this must be. Of course when you are surrounded by people who report entirely different perceptions, it is natural to question whether you are the one who doesn’t see and hear correctly. Nothing could be more understandable!

You might remind your husband how insensitive it would be if your family all suffered from physical disabilities and he and his family felt free to make comments about how much more physically fit they were than your relatives. It is not less insensitive to make that kind of remarks about people who have emotional or mental crosses to carry that you have not been asked to bear. If he thought about it, I think he would much rather lose a leg at the knee than to lose his self-esteem, his social aptitude, or his will to live. Maybe he (and they) will see the way to keeping remarks about your family less frequent and more on the side of compassion, if they learn to look at your family that way.

 

[chevalier]

I’m sad to hear that. It’s really sad to see a close relative get there. I’ve said a prayer for your sister. Hope she finds help and rediscovers her reasons to live. She may need her family a lot now.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I’m sad to hear that. It’s really sad to see a close relative get there. I’ve said a prayer for your sister. Hope she finds help and rediscovers her reasons to live. She may need her family a lot now.

Pssst, Chev…Read the rest of the thread. It was a lie.

 

[mommamaree]

And today she got married.

She hastily got married several years ago. I was her matron of honor (what was I thinking?). Then in less than six months, they were separated. And then they were divorced.

Today she got married to a man that no one except my mother has met, without letting any of her family members know. I read about it on Facebook.

I don’t really have any feelings about this, other than feeling like I am in the Twilight Zone whenever I have any contact/communication/news from my family members.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Wow, your family is sure … interesting, huh??



Hang in there. Treat it like a strange reality show. Or a lack of reality show.

 

[maltmom]

WOW, I didn’t see that coming.

 

[joshvanrad]

And today she got married.

She hastily got married several years ago. I was her matron of honor (what was I thinking?). Then in less than six months, they were separated. And then they were divorced.

Today she got married to a man that no one except my mother has met, without letting any of her family members know. I read about it on Facebook.

I don’t really have any feelings about this, other than feeling like I am in the Twilight Zone whenever I have any contact/communication/news from my family members.

That is how these people work- they go through a lot of rapid changes. It sounds like she is checking all of the boxes of the “borderline personality disorder” exam. This is so similar to what one of my loved was putting everyone through. Their lives are filled with ups (the marriage) and downs (the suicide attempt) and they just keep bouncing from high to low, dragging everyone else along for the ride.

It is tough to keep up with. Eventually I had to detach myself emotionally. I still care for my relative but I refuse to become a victim in their constant manipulation. I will continue to help if they genuinely need it, but until then I cannot pretend to support their decisions.

May God bless you in these trying times. I hope you can find peace.

Ite in pace,
Joshua C.

 

[mommamaree]

That is how these people work- they go through a lot of rapid changes. It sounds like she is checking all of the boxes of the “borderline personality disorder” exam.

Yes, she has been diagnosed at various points with bipolar disorder (manic depression), borderline personality disorder, multiple personality disorder, PTSD, and maybe others that I no longer remember or was not aware of.

 

[EasterJoy]

And today she got married.

She hastily got married several years ago. I was her matron of honor (what was I thinking?). Then in less than six months, they were separated. And then they were divorced.

Today she got married to a man that no one except my mother has met, without letting any of her family members know. I read about it on Facebook.

I don’t really have any feelings about this, other than feeling like I am in the Twilight Zone whenever I have any contact/communication/news from my family members.

I was thinking the White Rabbit’s hole more than the Twilight Zone. Maybe your feelings are waiting for the earth to stop moving before deciding what to feel?

Definitely get yourself a counsellor. You have been dished up more servings of cognitive dissonance than anyone ought to have to sort out on her own.

 

[joshvanrad]

Yes, she has been diagnosed at various points with bipolar disorder (manic depression), borderline personality disorder, multiple personality disorder, PTSD, and maybe others that I no longer remember or was not aware of.

I can certainly understand your difficulties. I think I had a thread about my loved one some time last year. It is tough to deal with. It is like watching some tragic accident with no way of helping.

 

[mommamaree]

I was thinking the White Rabbit’s hole more than the Twilight Zone. Maybe your feelings are waiting for the earth to stop moving before deciding what to feel?

Definitely get yourself a counsellor. You have been dished up more servings of cognitive dissonance than anyone ought to have to sort out on her own.

Yes. I think you are right. I have a good Catholic psychotherapist. I just need to call to make a second appointment. I have been delaying until after the school year was underway. But this past week, my goodness, my world does feel like it is shifting under my feet.

Not only is my sister seriously ill, but so is my mother, brother, legally-adoptive-then-disowning stepdad. They all have been diagnosed with depression and other psychological disorders. Ironic thing is, that I am the one that is rejected. I am the black sheep of the family and always have been since I turned 18. Once I started making my own decisions, that is.

It is a small wonder that my high school sweetheart and I eloped at 19. We both had had it with crazy family members trying to control us and rip us apart. By the grace of God, we are now approaching our 15th anniversary and getting saner every year (especially more so since our conversion, too) as we learn to say no to our family members.

I am reading the book “Boundaries” that TheRealJuliane suggested to me, and it is fabulous. I am learning so much. I am also researching a lot online about sociopaths, narcissists, etc. I don’t really like the picture that is forming in my head about the true character of my family members. It is a scary reality. But I need to be sane and break the cycle, for me and my children.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yes. I think you are right. I have a good Catholic psychotherapist. I just need to call to make a second appointment. I have been delaying until after the school year was underway. But this past week, my goodness, my world does feel like it is shifting under my feet.

Not only is my sister seriously ill, but so is my mother, brother, legally-adoptive-then-disowning stepdad. They all have been diagnosed with depression and other psychological disorders. Ironic thing is, that I am the one that is rejected. I am the black sheep of the family and always have been since I turned 18. Once I started making my own decisions, that is.

It is a small wonder that my high school sweetheart and I eloped at 19. We both had had it with crazy family members trying to control us and rip us apart. By the grace of God, we are now approaching our 15th anniversary and getting saner every year (especially more so since our conversion, too) as we learn to say no to our family members.

I am reading the book “Boundaries” that TheRealJuliane suggested to me, and it is fabulous. I am learning so much. I am also researching a lot online about sociopaths, narcissists, etc. I don’t really like the picture that is forming in my head about the true character of my family members. It is a scary reality. But I need to be sane and break the cycle, for me and my children.

I am glad “Boundaries” is helping you. I have read several books on narcissism too, so let me know if you want recommendations. I think our society makes all of these personality disorders worse.

 

[EasterJoy]

…Ironic thing is, that I am the one that is rejected. I am the black sheep of the family and always have been since I turned 18. Once I started making my own decisions, that is…

My impression is that adult children of alcoholics or addicts often run into the same thing, that is, they experience rejection as soon as they realize and speak up to say that the whole world of their childhood is toxic. Turn away from the toxicity, and those who don’t smell the poison think you’re crazy…until they get away and realize that you were right. Until then, you’re just someone running away from things they don’t even see as dangerous, or someone inexplicably condemning what they take for granted as being normal.

 

[brbgrl]

Hi I recognize your name from pregnant mamas. I’m sorry you are going through all this. I’m dealing with difficult situation with my sister who has probably schitzoaffective disorder along with PTSD, borderline personality, who knows what else. I’m at a loss right now about what else to do for her. This has got to be one of the worst things to go through. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[mommamaree]

Honestly, this has all gotten way worse in the last couple of weeks. After I sent my mother home with my niece, I started doing a lot of thinking and research and talking it out with my very perceptive husband.

I now believe that my mother almost certainly is a sociopath. It is possible that my brother and sister are, too, although they seem to still be able to express genuine emotion. My legally-adoptive-then-disowning stepfather is, IMO, a sociopath as well.

I have been reading online articles addressed to non-professionals explaining the M.O. of a sociopath. I have finished reading the book The Sociopath Next Door. It all points to the strong possibility that my mother is more than a narcissist, but actually a sociopath. It is disturbing. I am confused and upset. But it explains all the horrible things she does, and why she is always tearing me down and manipulating me and lying to me, and so on.

I am not sure what in the world I am supposed to do. I am afraid to go back to my Catholic psychotherapist about this because I am afraid she won’t believe me. My husband has seen it and has been practically convinced of my mother’s sociopathy for many years. So I know I am not crazy. But I have no confidence in my own perception, and I am afraid the psychotherapist might minimize the problems and convince me it is all in my head.

This is so distressing, especially since I know that if she is in fact a sociopath, that I need to cut ties to protect myself and my children. She makes me feel like a horrible person, except when she is flattering me to prepare me for her next manipulative move. She could very easily do that to my children. But she is MY MOTHER. And she is the only family member that will have anything to do with me. Everyone else in my family is lost in their own world of mental illness, depravity, self-righteousness, etc. to want anything to do with me.

Sigh. I know that you all cannot answer my questions for me, at least not completely, but thanks for reading and giving me a place to vent to others in a safe place about what I am facing.

 

[newf]

I am not sure what in the world I am supposed to do. I am afraid to go back to my Catholic psychotherapist about this because I am afraid she won’t believe me. My husband has seen it and has been practically convinced of my mother’s sociopathy for many years. So I know I am not crazy. But I have no confidence in my own perception, and I am afraid the psychotherapist might minimize the problems and convince me it is all in my head.

.

Don’t allow yourself to feel trapped by this Catholic psychotherapist. If you are not comfortable with her, then you have no obligation to stay with her. Find a new therapist and then let this one know you are moving on.

 

[EasterJoy]

…I am not sure what in the world I am supposed to do. I am afraid to go back to my Catholic psychotherapist about this because I am afraid she won’t believe me. My husband has seen it and has been practically convinced of my mother’s sociopathy for many years. So I know I am not crazy. But I have no confidence in my own perception, and I am afraid the psychotherapist might minimize the problems and convince me it is all in my head…

Remember that it is your mother who taught you to expect that other people will try to undermine your own sense of a situation. It is the sociopath who will try to gaslight you, who will try to tell you “it’s all in your head”. You may be projecting expected behaviors on to your therapist that you learned to expect from your mother, rather than anything your therapist herself has brought you to expect.

Therapists can still be vulnerable to the con jobs of a sociopath, however. Let’s say that your therapist “believes your mom” and not you, even though your therapist has never even met your mom. Maybe your therapist simply lacks the imagination to grasp what you’re talking about. OK, you can deal with that possibility. Try you therapist out, but tell your husband that if the therapist really does try to convince you that it is all in your head, you want him to remind you that you are going to find a different therapist. If you know you have him to protect you from your own tendency to doubt yourself, I think you can go talk to your therapist without fear of not being believed. You will have your Plan B in place, in case that happens.

If you can already look back and feel your therapist has been sceptical when you have told the truth about your past, though, then yes, consider a different therapist right now. You don’t need to convince anyone else that you’re right and the therapist is wrong. This is about finding someone you trust, and you are the authority about that. I’m guessing, though, that the expectation comes from your family history, and not your therapeutic history.

Remember, too, Martha Stout’s 13th Rule for living with a sociopath: Living well is the best revenge. I don’t know about revenge, but finally living well is certainly what you deserve. If your mother deserves a natural consequence for what she has done to you, that is the most merciful and yet possibly the most difficult consequence she could get.

Ask your therapist about your niece, too. I fear that your mother will attempt to use the girl as a hostage to control you. You need to be wise and careful about how you handle that, but now that you are learning to see where the quicksand is, I think you can do this. You are so strong from having flailed around in that gunk all these years, I don’t think you are touchable if you keep your feet on firm ground!

 

[mommamaree]

Remember that it is your mother who taught you to expect that other people will try to undermine your own sense of a situation. It is the sociopath who will try to gaslight you, who will try to tell you “it’s all in your head”. You may be projecting expected behaviors on to your therapist that you learned to expect from your mother, rather than anything your therapist herself has brought you to expect.

Therapists can still be vulnerable to the con jobs of a sociopath, however. Let’s say that your therapist “believes your mom” and not you, even though your therapist has never even met your mom. Maybe your therapist simply lacks the imagination to grasp what you’re talking about. OK, you can deal with that possibility. Try you therapist out, but tell your husband that if the therapist really does try to convince you that it is all in your head, you want him to remind you that you are going to find a different therapist. If you know you have him to protect you from your own tendency to doubt yourself, I think you can go talk to your therapist without fear of not being believed. You will have your Plan B in place, in case that happens.

If you can already look back and feel your therapist has been sceptical when you have told the truth about your past, though, then yes, consider a different therapist right now. You don’t need to convince anyone else that you’re right and the therapist is wrong. This is about finding someone you trust, and you are the authority about that. I’m guessing, though, that the expectation comes from your family history, and not your therapeutic history.

Remember, too, Martha Stout’s 13th Rule for living with a sociopath: Living well is the best revenge. I don’t know about revenge, but finally living well is certainly what you deserve. If your mother deserves a natural consequence for what she has done to you, that is the most merciful and yet possibly the most difficult consequence she could get.

Ask your therapist about your niece, too. I fear that your mother will attempt to use the girl as a hostage to control you. You need to be wise and careful about how you handle that, but now that you are learning to see where the quicksand is, I think you can do this. You are so strong from having flailed around in that gunk all these years, I don’t think you are touchable if you keep your feet on firm ground!

Thank you EasterJoy. As always, your wisdom and encouragement comes just at the right time. That was exactly what I needed to hear at this moment.

 

[mommamaree]

Ugh, my mother just called while I was posting that last post and while I declined to answer the phone, I still had to listen to the message. It all sounded so normal and nice, except for the badly-hidden barb about my declining her visit in October. Yuck.