My sister won't truly forgive me

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MeInMississippi

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My sister and I used to be very close. Her husband would not marry her unless she sold her home and moved three hours away. I understood that. But, he also did everything else he could to come between us. My sister and I got into a fight about it. I went about it the wrong way. I apologized multiple times. My sister says she has forgiven me, but will not talk to me. Her husband has warned my husband that I had better stay away. Perhaps my sister isn’t talking to me to preserve her marriage, so the fight was an easy out for her in regards to our relationship; but you shouldn’t have to sacrifice a sibling relationship for your marriage, unless something egregious was done. I am so resentful and hurt that I cannot get over it. I feel like if she truly forgave me then our relationship would be what it used to be. This has been going on for 8 years with no end in sight. I’ve prayed about it. I’ve called, sent my 4 nephews birthday presents and other gifts, sent her and her husband gifts, and cards, and I get no response. I finally let her know last Fall that she had a convoluted idea of forgiveness if this is what she calls forgiveness. I was really hurt over the fact when my other sister told her I had cancer that her response was, “oh well.” Meanwhile, his family is always invited around and that relationship is fantastic. I know what her husband has done to our relationship is a sin, but is what she is doing one, too? I’m so hurt by this, and I’m sure my resentment is a sin. No matter how hard I try I cannot let it go. The real kicker here is I’m the one who introduced them!
 
It’s horrible to be treated badly by family. And so hard to let it go. But you’re only making yourself miserable, not her. Have you talked to your priest? It may even be good to get some counseling to help you. It really sounds like it’s time to stop calling and sending gifts, and just pray for them.
 
Thank you for the advice. I probably do need to talk to someone about it. It would be one thing if I hadn’t been close to her, but we used to be best friends. Her husband ran off one of one of her very good friends who was a bridesmaid at her wedding as well. She loves her husband and that’s a good thing, but it almost seems like a kind of abuse. Thank you again, God bless and keep you!
 
When you pray the Our Father, pray “forgive me my trespasses as I forgive my sister”.
 
If your sister’s husband has forced her to choose between her family and, that on the face seems to be wrong. But I don’t know what she’s told him you or her relationship with you. Maybe because you guys were so close, you were in the habit of sharing a little too much information about the people in your lives and that put a strain on their marriage. Your sister may not know how to balance a less intimate relationship with you while focusing on her marriage.

I’ve noticed that most people have a hard time with being moderate in most areas of their lives. So that go from one extreme to another. It might be that she’s replaced your very close relationship with her marital relationship.

My only recommedation would be that you pray every day for the grace to forgive her for how she’s handled this and try to banish negative, unhappy thoughts about her and her husband. Try to give them the benefit of the doubt here so that when you do talk to her you can honestly be friendly and kind. That could eventually lead to her feeling less defensive and more open to renewing a friendship with you.

God Bless 🙂
 
Thank you for the advice. I have talked to her face to face on three separate occasions and everything went great. However, when I try to contact her on her phone via text (she won’t answer my calls) or very rarely through social media (I have to do this through my daughter’s Facebook account because she has blocked me on there) she is so very cold to me. It’s very strange. I’d like to see my nephews, but I would only maybe be able to do that if I just showed up at her home. That’s a three hour drive. I’d hate to be turned right back around after making that drive. I know I have to pray and trust God, but as a human, I think to myself why won’t God make her see that she’s denying me the joy of knowing my nephews and the joy of having a relationship with my sister? We only have a short time here on this earth. I’m about 95% sure her husband has done everything he can to perpetuate this shunning. Especially when he had the gall to go to my husband to tell me not to come around anymore. It just hurts. He doesn’t like my other sister either, so when she started getting closer to my sister, my sister quickly shut that down too. Thank you again for your advice. It’s very kind of you!
 
You have apologized for your behavior, she has forgiven you. A couple of time.

She continues to “shun” you. Have you considered that does not really have anything to do with the behavior you apologized for? Don’t keep apologizing, likely something else is keeping her from a relationship.

Especially since she also doesn’t keep a relationship with your other sister and other close friend, as you described. So stop making it about you.

I don’t know why she has cut key people out of her life, and you have had so little contact, you don’t either. Is she allowed any key people from her own family or original friend group to be a major source of support? I would be worried about her, although it doesn’t sound like there is much you can do. The obvious answer is that her husband is preventing it, but without more information, it is impossible to say, or to know what he says and does to her behind closed doors.

Put the fight out of your mind. That is likely no longer the issue. And pray for her safety and emotional well being. Maybe you could tell her that – this estrangement, enforced by your husband isn’t normal, I’m afraid more is going on, and I will pray for you. I am available anytime you want to talk about it. When you remove yourself and your understandably hurt feelings from the equation, she is left only with her own behavior, as influenced by her husband to ponder. But she will not even ponder it if you keep making it about a manufactured fight.
 
Sometimes abusive spouses will try to cut the victim off from family and friends. Is there any chance this is happening to your sister? Is there anyone who she is close to that you can ask to keep an eye out for possible abuse? That would be my main concern.
 
Thank you for the advice and happy birthday! I wasn’t intending to discount my other sister or her friend’s feelings, I was just explaining why I’m hurt. I guess another thing is I do worry for her soul. I worry about any of my family who are not following the right path. While I know I’m not personally responsible for that, it still affects me. I think if you love someone you naturally worry about their wellbeing.
 
He tried running my mom off, but I think my sister actually values that relationship, as she should. He however, will not let their children come stay by themselves and told my mother the only way that would happen was when they turned 18 and they could make the decision for themselves. There is absolutely, unequivocally, no reason for that behavior…especially since he lets them spend the night with his family.
 
I’m about 99% sure he’s not physically abusing her, but he’s very self centered and if he does not get his way he makes things hard. In order to keep the peace she kowtows to him. So I guess there’s a mental abuse element going on there for sure.
 
If I can get her by herself she doesn’t act like this, but as you can imagine that’s difficult. She acted like everything was ok the three times we’ve been alone. They now have a business together and so they’re always together. He used to work, so those were the times we could get to ourselves. He goes through all her mail and reads her texts if he’s in her presence when she gets one. I don’t see anything changing to be honest. Like I said, I gave her an easy out with the fight. She isn’t the type who would’ve shirked from telling me if she had any other problems with me.
 
I’m sorry that you are in this situation with your sister.
Do you know specifically what the issue is that her husband has with you or with your other sister or her bridesmaid?
 
This, their relationship sounds very toxic. I imagine all you can do is be there for her if she needs your help.
 
MeInMississippi said:
He however, will not let their children come stay by themselves and told my mother the only way that would happen was when they turned 18 and they could make the decision for themselves. There is absolutely, unequivocally, no reason for that behavior…especially since he lets them spend the night with his family.
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My child is not allowed to stay with certain people, for various reasons. I do trust my mother. So, it is not necessarily the case that there is no reason for this, just because the kids are allowed to stay with his parents. There may be circumstances you are not aware of.

Unfortunately, I think you should leave your sister alone as you have been asked to do. You’ve been blocked from her social media but went around that and used your daughter’s account to contact her anyway. You continue to call, text, and even consider showing up without notice. I’m sure that it hurts, but you should be respectful of the boundaries your sister and her husband have set, even if you don’t like them.

Are you very certain there is nothing you have done to prompt this avoidance? A person can forgive someone, but still choose not to associate with that person if they have been hurt. Forgiveness doesn’t mean things have to go back to the way they were, and sometimes that isn’t possible. There are people I know who have said very hurtful things to me, and crossed lines, and while I forgive them, I choose to see them rarely because I am not willing to expose myself or my family to it.
 
Her husband is abusing her. But, there’s not much you can do about it. Maybe you could send her one last message, saying that you’ll stay out of her life, but to call if she needs you? Most abused women, by the time they realize it, have appeased their husbands, by alienating or angering close family. and friends.
But, remember she’s an adult. After one note, she has to be the one to contact you! I wish the best-for both of you!
 
We were very close prior to this. If she had a problem with me I firmly believe she would’ve told me. Her husband, I believe, has jealousy issues. She used to celebrate holidays, birthdays and whatnot with the whole family. When she got married, her husband stopped letting her come to those. We were told if we wanted to celebrate holidays, etc. with them we would have to go there, 3 hours away. That’s just disrespectful to my mother and father who always host major holidays. Children should come visit their parents freely out of respect. I realize one can’t make every holiday, birthday, etc but they can do some. They shouldn’t make it a one way street.

I have issues with depression and anxiety. My mother, myself, and my children were there visiting one weekend and we stayed with them. My mother and I went out for some shopping, but my daughter stayed behind. She said my sister’s husband started going through my medications and stated that I was obviously crazy if I was taking those meds.

Her husband has an uncle who he is very close to. About a year before they cut me out of their lives, the uncle was tried and convicted of molesting two girls who were 10 and 12 at the time. Do you think they blocked him out of their lives?? No they didn’t. If they can forgive and move on from that, why can’t they do the same with me? I’ve never done anything even remotely that horrible.

My sister still talks to her ex-husband (I think her husband is not aware of this), if she can forgive him and talk to him, even though he treated her horribly when they were married, why am I not afforded the same respect?

I’m about 99% sure he was jealous of her close relationship with our family so he did everything he could to drive a wedge in between it. When they were dating and they had a disagreement, he would just disappear. She could never get a hold of him until he decided he wasn’t mad anymore. That stressed her out terribly. He’s carried that over into their marriage. While he doesn’t up and leave, he makes her miserable by not speaking to her. In other words, if he doesn’t get his way, he’s not going to compromise. It’s his way or the highway. Since he decided he doesn’t like me for whatever reason, I believe it was easier for her to let me go than to have to deal with his unfounded objections and subsequent punishment over me calling or coming to visit.
 
I wish I did. I honestly think he was jealous over our closeness. I know if my sister had an issue with me, she would’ve told me.
 
It seems like her husband views you as a threat.
At the same time time your sister must have some of her own issues going on prior to meeting him to choose to marry a man like this.
Does her ex husband know that she is no longer in contact with you and if so,what does he think about all this?
 
I honestly don’t know, because I don’t talk to him. My mother had told me they talked on the phone from time to time and I know they talked on Facebook before she and I had our disagreement.
I had some relatives one time ask me what my sister and her current husband’s deal was. My mother had spoken to them and told them about the way her husband wouldn’t come visit or really let my sister come, and how he wouldn’t let my nephews stay with my mom or anyone connected with my sister’s family. They told me it sounded like my sister was being mentally abused.
My mom and my sister one time were going to do some shopping and I asked my sister if I could watch her son. She said, “nobody but me watches him.” Then we found out that he had been allowed to stay with some friends of her husband.
The whole reason we had the fight that ended our relationship to begin with was because I had finally had enough of my mom calling me crying that my sister wouldn’t come visit or let her keep the kids. I mean I was upset too, but my mom kind of pushed me to the point where I knew her treatment of us was not fair.
I never would’ve thought my sister would let someone take her away from her own family. What her husband is doing is not love, but she loves him so much she’s willing to overlook it.
 
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