My sister won't truly forgive me

[Rozellelily]

It’s a shame that your sisters husband isn’t doing more to support her relationship with her sister.
Sisters are so important and have a special bond and it can feel awful when it seems that a sister doesn’t value the relationship as much as we do.

I will keep you and your sisters relationship in my prayers.
As much as you need to know why she feels how she does,it’s probably best to avoid contacting her on Facebook via a different account as it may increase the problem.
Who knows,perhaps she is being influenced by her husband as it appears that this isn’t a one off occasion for him in regards to distancing her from people.

Were you able to have any good relationship with her husband prior to all this?
Is he himself a Catholic/Christian?

 

[Clementine14]

Her husband sounds like a real piece of work. Going through your medications? It does sound like he is isolating your sister and her family, but unfortunately I am not sure there is much you can do about it. If you can ever get her alone in person, you might express that you are concerned for her, and that you are always there should she decide to leave or seek help.

Otherwise, I think you need to let the rest go. Your parents may choose to host holidays, and they may choose to come or not. That is their choice. It is their choice who to allow to watch their children, and their choice who they want to contact and when. It may not seem fair, but you do still need to respect their boundaries and choices. If you think your sister and her children are in some kind of danger, then do something about it, but otherwise you can’t force a relationship.

 

[MeInMississippi]

I thought her husband and I got along well. He is Christian, but not Catholic. I really do appreciate your prayers. I need them so I can find peace with the situation as it stands. I hope she will see one day that she’s not gaining anything by not letting me be in her life. I love her dearly. I’m not happy with her right now, but I always love her. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t care if we had a relationship or not. Thank you again for your kindness.

 

[MeInMississippi]

I know I have to realize that right now the situation is what it is. However, like I said we are in the eighth year of this. Time is passing and we can’t get any of it back. It is tormenting my soul because I don’t understand it fully. There’s nothing for her to gain by keeping me away. I have not committed any horrible acts of physical harm to her or her family nor have we had any other disagreements on my treatment of her since she’s been married. People are so quick to label you as toxic to give their minds some sort of justification for what they are doing. It would be one thing if I were a random friend or co-worker, but I’m not, I’m her sister.

 

[Clementine14]

I am sure that it is very hurtful not to have a relationship with your sister, especially since it’s been going on for a long time and because you are concerned about her due to her husband’s behavior. He does sound like a jerk. I am not sure there is much you can do, though. Pray for your sister and her family, and leave them be.

It does sound like you should pull back on the contact and be more respectful of their wishes. For example, despite being blocked on Facebook, you circumvented her wishes and found a way to contact her anyway. You don’t have to actually physically harm someone for them to decide they’d rather keep you at a distance. There is a particular person in my family’s life that I am thinking of- she can be a perfectly lovely and nice person sometimes, but can also be very overbearing and rude. She sends cards and gifts to my son, and does nice things sometimes. However, she also makes insensitive and inappropriate comments (that are sometimes also hurtful), does not respect boundaries, and generally involves herself in others’ business more than is appropriate. Sometimes she knows exactly what she is doing to be hurtful, and other times I am not sure she realizes how inappropriate she is being. I will tolerate this person in small doses for the sake of family peace, but will not go out of my way to build a relationship because it is not worth sacrificing my mental health over.

My point is that it is perfectly fine for someone to forgive another person without wanting to associate much with them. The title of your thread, “my sister won’t truly forgive me” seems to suggest that you don’t believe she has forgiven you, even though she says she has, because she is not acting the way you want her to. If you want to “win her back”, so to speak, you have to respect her boundaries, even if you don’t agree with them or like them. You mentioned that recently you let her know that she has a “convoluted idea of forgiveness”- actually, this is not right. Forgiveness does not mean that things always go back to the way they were, and we don’t get to decide for anyone else whether they’ve “forgiven enough” or how they should act. If you haven’t read it, I strongly recommend the book “Boundaries”. It might help you to understand where your sister is coming from.

 

[MeInMississippi]

I really would like to thank you for taking the time to speak with me. You’ve given me some great insight and advice.

That being said, I don’t agree that true forgiveness is someone saying through a third party that they’ve forgiven you, but still refuse to speak with you. Jesus’ forgiveness is not conditional nor does it have boundaries. He forgives us and continues forward with the relationship. He is there for us always. If you aren’t basing your forgiveness off of His example, then what she’s doing to me is not forgiveness. He also told us to love thy neighbor as thyself. You just saying you forgive someone then refusing a relationship is just deluding yourself.

If she wants boundaries then I can accept that, I’ll have to, but when she said through someone else that she had forgiven me, that in my mind meant true forgiveness and we could proceed with our relationship. If you continue holding a grudge then that’s not forgiveness. Telling me not to speak to her is not a boundary, that’s a reaction for crossing a boundary. A boundary is something that is set up and if crossed can have unfavorable consequences. Her not speaking to me is a consequence. If there were certain boundaries in our relationship they were never defined nor perceived, I can promise you that, and therefore I’m being punished for something I didn’t know was a boundary. I mean I expected her to be mad with me, but I didn’t expect it to go on forever. Therefore, if she’s still mad, she shouldn’t say she’s forgiven me. I mean we’ve had fights, but we always forgave each other. Plus, I’ve taken her and her boys to lunch and spoken civilly with her since our fight. During those times she should’ve said, hey, don’t come around anymore, and she certainly shouldn’t have let me treat her to lunch. Again, when she didn’t say anything to me derogatory I assumed we were ok. If my sister does have boundaries, she’s not defining them very well.

The person that my sister is now is not my sister. Everyone in my family will tell you that. That person who everyone knew is now gone since her marriage. It has not been a change for the better either.

 

[Clementine14]

That being said, I don’t agree that true forgiveness is someone saying through a third party that they’ve forgiven you, but still refuse to speak with you. Jesus’ forgiveness is not conditional nor does it have boundaries. He forgives us and continues forward with the relationship. He is there for us always. If you aren’t basing your forgiveness off of His example, then what she’s doing to me is not forgiveness. He also told us to love thy neighbor as thyself. You just saying you forgive someone then refusing a relationship is just deluding yourself.

This is a good article (from CA) about forgiveness. I recommend paying particular attention to the section entitled “What Forgiveness is Not”:

The Limits of Forgiveness | Catholic Answers Magazine

It is perfectly reasonable to forgive someone, but keep that person at a distance. You told your sister outright that she has not forgiven you “enough”.

She may not be great at communicating her own boundaries, and may not even want to say “please don’t contact me anymore”. But she did block you on Facebook, and doesn’t return phone calls. Her family does not drive to see yours. Those are all boundaries too. My point is that someone else’s boundaries don’t need to make sense to another person in order for them to be respected. For instance, you are upset that she does not allow your parents to watch her children, but other people get to. That is their business, and their choice. They do not have to allow anyone in particular to watch their children, for any reason or no reason at all.

You don’t have the relationship you would like with your sister. Whether that’s because of her husband (directly or indirectly) or because of her own feelings, she has made it clear that she is willing to have a civil, but not close, relationship with you. That’s okay for her to decide, and her decision should be respected. Unless you think she is being abused, I think it’s best to just continue to be civil and kind, and pray for her.

 

[MeInMississippi]

Thank you for posting the article. My contacting her initially wasn’t because I was trying to ignore her boundaries, but because I was trying to tell her I’m sorry. I am truly sorry for what I did. Her telling me not to contact her was in reaction to what she got mad at me for. When I contacted her, I said I was sorry. Since then, she hasn’t told me not to contact her. I’m not crossing a boundary at this point as far as I’m concerned. I didn’t expect the relationship to go back to 100% until I could prove I was repentive, but I needed the actual chance to earn her trust back. I never got that. I’ve been ignored when I was trying to be supportive and show my repentance. It would be one thing if this were maybe a year or two that we’ve been like this, but it’s been 8. I’ve already had a death scare. Time is of the essence.

However, since talking to you I can see that her ignoring me and convincing herself that I maybe cross boundaries is not her issue with me at all. Her real issue with me is the fact that her husband doesn’t want us to have a relationship. Because of the fact she can’t tell me that and she knows there’s no reason for me to except that, she managed to convince me that our fight is the reason she doesn’t talk to me. I now know my issue isn’t with her, it’s with him. She’s only a victim.

On the topic of them not letting my parents keep their kids I believe that is disrespectful to them because it hurts them. They’re not some guy down the street she barely knows. My kids stayed with my parents anytime they wanted because they are very trustworthy. My mom is the best babysitter out there. They can be trusted just as much as his parents are. His mom is a recovering alcoholic, my parents aren’t anything like that. We may have to agree to disagree on that. My parents have helped both her and her husband whenever they needed it. They are salt if the earth. She and I were raised in the same household and treated the same.