My siter hardly ever spends time with me

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MrSylvester

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Hail Mary.

OK guys, thing is me and my sister enver really talk or spend time with each other. We don’t hate each other. In faxt, I cook her after school meals and she loves them. It’s just that she doesn’t seem to enjoy my company at all. It’s true lately she’s been studying for her upcoming exams but she was always like this the last few years. Last week, I told her to watch a movie with me (said movie is 76 minutes long) and she said that she’ll think about. Cue today and she said that she doesn’t want to because she probably won’t have the time. Tomorrows Sunday and even though she is studying a lot, she still spends time relaxing on facebook and on the rare occasion that she does spend time with me, she only spends at most 5 minutes, nothing more.

It’s true that I have very diffirent interests, what with my obsession with anime, manga and works of fiction in general, that she isn’t interested in and that she has typical girly interests I’m not at all interested in. But I try to at least make her a bit curious in my interests and she doesn’t even attampt to show me why she loves this or that. I think she’s scared that I may sneer at it and ruin her enjoyment. Thing is, I just need advice on how to deal with this situation. With all respect to everyone on this forum, I honestly don’t have any friends that I can with all confidence open my heart to and because I’m not close to my sister at all, I’m trying to fix our relationship.

I know she’s 15 and I’m 19 but still, siblings should still be close. We really were close before though, God and Mary know how much we had fun playing Baby and Daddy:rolleyes:. I’m at my wits end
 
I am terribly sorry you are going through this. And from your post, it is impossible for me to know why she is like this. Perhaps it is a 15 year old thing, perhaps she is just introverted or perhaps you have done something without knowing to hurt her.

My brother was like that as well. He simply had no use for me. My advice is to pray to God and He will send you the people you need to fill your friendship needs. Sadly, society drills it inot our head we are suppose to be close to family. But very often that just is not the case

And cooking her meals will NOT win her love

CM
 
My siblings and I were pretty estranged during the teenage years. It got MUCH better once we’d all left the house and begun college/adult life.

You may need to point-blank say “I’d love to spend time with you- would you like to choose a movie/resturant/game/etc we could do together?”
 
MrSylvester said:
Thing is, I just need advice on how to deal with this situation. With all respect to everyone on this forum, I honestly don’t have any friends that I can with all confidence open my heart to and because I’m not close to my sister at all, I’m trying to fix our relationship.
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My advice is: leave her alone and make friends with some people your own age. If you are having trouble with that, get some counselling and figure out why. She has her own friends and her own interests. When you are both older, you might very well get closer.
 
I don’t think she’s introverted though because she does hang out with a lot of people. As for doing something I may have hurt her with, well, maybe I do tease her and her interests a bit too much and I would non-chalantly call some of her clothes ‘slutty’ as I deemed them immodest. But thats hardly enough to make her not spend time with me so I don’t know. I genuinely think she doesn’t enjoy my company.

I did that point blank thing. She said that she has no place for me and her to attend to and she even said that she does not want to watch an entire film with me, just a few minutes of funny videos on you tube. What on earth is she thinking, that those few minutes are going to satisfy me? They won’t because she’s just spending those few minutes in order to get ‘quality time’ with me over with. I wanted to watch a film with her so that we could truly bond over it’s message and story and what not. Smiling at a few videos won’t do that.

As with making my own friends, I want to, I really, REALLY want to make my own friends but I find it really difficult to socialize. Really believe me when I say I find it hard to socialize. I’m always scared that I’d say something the others find unpleasent or upsets and I’m scared that I’m being considerate of their own problems. With my past experience with friends, I 'find out that I really wasn’t. There was this boy with a learning disability who always wanted to be my friend and although I did let him hang out near us at school, we enver really talked to him and would ignore him. Said boy visits me once every few months but I don’t and it made me find out how little I’ve given to everyone who ever did good for me.

I had another friend in secondary school who was practically my best friend. After knowing him for 5 years, he didn’t want to have anything to do with me after he got tired of me trying to forcefully convince him to go to church and turn to God, etc… I say forcefully because elt be honest, My attempts were not coming from charity. The day he decided to ignore me, I felt an immense emptiness inside and from then on, I became more and more depressed. I did reconcile with him though and told him that I’m sorry for being such an obnoxious friend and he instantly forgave me, something I would not have done if I was in the state I was back in school.

Why am I saying all this? I’m giving people the reason I lack social skills in the first place. I don’t want to make friends with people only for me to end up hurting them or being a burden to them. I don’t know what to do in order to avoid that. However, I am trying to go out of my shell: I’ve joined a kendo club and am talking to the people there and I have dropped a lot of the strict restrictions I placed on myself when I became Catholic because they were hampering my freedom to make decisions a lot. I said tlking to th people there because even though I do talk to them, we’re not friends, not even distant ones.
 
I have three sisters, One older, two younger, The oldest and I have a great friendship, the younger ones, not so much. Was that way growing up, they had very different types of friends, interests and pass time activities that I would not indulge in. Church? forget it. As we grew older, the two younger ones gave up more of their time to hang out. I think it holds true that absence makes the heart grow stronger. I invite them to my home often, they come once in a while, still they come. I think also it’s a matter of space. My oldest sister is very “Klingy”, if she knows I’m in town, I have no freedom to visit my brother and his family, so for about 15 years now I’ve been devoting time to my klingy sister and my mom. I catch up with the other two on occasion. I’ve accepted they need their space, and I actually enjoy mine. Do something fun for yourself, or help the less fortunate, you’d be surprised how fulfilling it is. I live alone and actually enjoy it. Since I have a relationship with the Lord, I live alone but I’m not lonely. Wish you the best!
 
MrSylvester said:
I don’t think she’s introverted though because she does hang out with a lot of people. As for doing something I may have hurt her with, well, maybe I do tease her and her interests a bit too much and I would non-chalantly call some of her clothes ‘slutty’ as I deemed them immodest. But thats hardly enough to make her not spend time with me so I don’t know.
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It would be enough for me not to spend time with you. Who wants to hang around some guy who thinks he’s better than I am? The fact that you could insult her this badly and do so nonchalantly tells me you are out of touch with her feelings and have little respect for her. Why would she want to spend time with you?
 
Julia_Mae said:
My advice is: leave her alone and make friends with some people your own age. If you are having trouble with that, get some counselling and figure out why. She has her own friends and her own interests. When you are both older, you might very well get closer.
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I agree.

Assuming you can drive, she obviously needs rides places. Offer to take her. Don’t invite yourself to whatever the event is, just pick up her and drop her off. My older brother did that for me before I was legal to drive and it was good just to share those few minutes together.

But overall, respect her space and work on being charitable and making friends.
 
Maybe it’s just the way you worded it, but you said you “told” her to watch a movie. Your sister doesn’t have to watch a movie just because you told her to, and really you shouldn’t expect that.

If someone told me to watch a movie and said that my clothes were slutty, I think I’d be a bit reluctant to want to spend more time with them too.

You said she has girly interests that you’re not interested in but you want her to show some interest in your interests. It doesn’t make sense, there’s got to be some give and take.

I think you need to make your own friends rather than expect your sister to be more interested in what you do. Making friends can be hard at the best of times and I think it’s best to sit back a bit and let the friendships develop slowly. Sometimes it happens that you just “click” with someone but usually it takes a bit more time. Friendships usually start by talking to people and being interested in what they have to say so you’re on the right track but is there any chance that you’re judgemental with the people you meet, perhaps without realising it?
 
Oh, I didn’t realize this is a brother, who wants to spend time with his sister. That is complicated to say the least. You are the older brother? I agree with an earlier post, do big brother stuff, give her compliments, give her a ride now and then. But, I would discourage “pushing her”. I would still recommend you join some sort of social group to meet people your age, and build up some confidence. If she sees you as a confident individual, she may see you as someone she can trust to talk to now and then. You have to build the relationship with your sibling, slowly. Good Luck!
 
You sound like you’re being a control freak. Give the poor girl some breathing room and worry about your own life.
 
Julia_Mae said:
It would be enough for me not to spend time with you. Who wants to hang around some guy who thinks he’s better than I am? The fact that you could insult her this badly and do so nonchalantly tells me you are out of touch with her feelings and have little respect for her. Why would she want to spend time with you?
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For your information, I stopped doing it when I found out it was upsetting her and haven’t said so for years and she herself noticed this. Thing is, she can overreact sometimes and I’m scared she hasn’t forgiven me for what I did.
 
Do_Good_Then_Go said:
Maybe it’s just the way you worded it, but you said you “told” her to watch a movie. Your sister doesn’t have to watch a movie just because you told her to, and really you shouldn’t expect that.

If someone told me to watch a movie and said that my clothes were slutty, I think I’d be a bit reluctant to want to spend more time with them too.

You said she has girly interests that you’re not interested in but you want her to show some interest in your interests. It doesn’t make sense, there’s got to be some give and take.

I think you need to make your own friends rather than expect your sister to be more interested in what you do. Making friends can be hard at the best of times and I think it’s best to sit back a bit and let the friendships develop slowly. Sometimes it happens that you just “click” with someone but usually it takes a bit more time. Friendships usually start by talking to people and being interested in what they have to say so you’re on the right track but is there any chance that you’re judgemental with the people you meet, perhaps without realising it?
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I didn’t indeed tell her to watch a movie. Maybe I should brush up my vocabularly. I asked her if she could watch a movie and was pestering her all week and she told me that she’ll see to it. In the end, it didn’t happen but I let it slide. I went and asked her why she seemed so depressed and she responded calmly that she’s OK. She’s suffering from the pressure of her exams at school of course but I don’t want her to be so depressed.

As for me being judegmental, thats what I’m scared of: that I’d say something that upsets them or they find something unpleasant in me that makes them look at me in a diffirent light. It’s not like I don’t want to fix my faults but honestly, when I was a teenager I did do some terrible things and I do have a problem with my temper ,my lack of devotion nowadays and a huge depression thats been at me for for the past 3 years. I’m just thinking people will not understand me and will enver give me a chance to repent because honestly, I did pass through a phase once with someone I know where for every single mistake that I did however small it was I would get shouted at and sometimes insulted. It’s something I don’t want delve in but it certainly did twist me up in a bad way that it influenced my relationship with some past friends.

I know it won’t be easy to make friends but for Petes sake they need to give me a chance and love me despite my faults and help me fix them, not throw me away as if I was irredeemable. Isn’t that the way the Blessed Virgin acts towards sinners?
 
exoflare said:
You sound like you’re being a control freak. Give the poor girl some breathing room and worry about your own life.
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I’m not a control freak thank you very much. I don’t tell her what friends she can meet up with, I don’t oppose her when she has a boyfriend or anything, I don’t tell her what times she can or can not go out, nor do I tell her to do this chore or that chore nor do I force her to watch anything I like.

Why is it that you people think I’m trying to get close to her for utterly selfish or superficial reasons? We may be on friendly terms but we never spend time with each other. How is that a healthy relationship? In fact, why am I saying friendly terms in the first place? It’s not like I did anything so horrible to her that I can’t be forgiven nor is it like she hates me or dislikes me in the least. So, sorry for sounding so rude exoflare but no, I am not a control freak so don’t make stuff up and judge me so suddenly without any proof.

I just want to be seen by her as more than someone she can use for convenience like getting meals from me or using my computer to print stuff. A thought came to my mind just now: I’m scared that maybe I’m a dissapointment to her because I wasn’t a veryy od role model growing up and because at 19, I’m not doing anything significant. I think she really is emberassed by me and with good reason.
 
I just asked me sister if I did disappoint her with my life and she said in all seriousness and calmness that no, I didn’t disappoint her. I have everything I need to go up in life and she said that she knows I’m capable, its just that I need to do what I must do in order to advance. She also told me other thigns but I don’t want to delve on them.
 
MrSylvester said:
I just asked me sister if I did disappoint her with my life and she said in all seriousness and calmness that no, I didn’t disappoint her. I have everything I need to go up in life and she said that she knows I’m capable, its just that I need to do what I must do in order to advance. She also told me other thigns but I don’t want to delve on them.
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You’re only 19, you haven’t have very much life to disappoint with o.O

Your sister is fifteen, she is a teenager, and she is at the height of “individualism.” It will get worse until she gets out of the house and is on her own for a while.

My sister and I were the same way, as we both were with our brother. Now we’re all good friends. It comes with time.
 
MrSylvester said:
I didn’t indeed tell her to watch a movie. Maybe I should brush up my vocabularly. I asked her if she could watch a movie and was pestering her all week and she told me that she’ll see to it. In the end, it didn’t happen but I let it slide. I went and asked her why she seemed so depressed and she responded calmly that she’s OK. She’s suffering from the pressure of her exams at school of course but I don’t want her to be so depressed.

As for me being judegmental, thats what I’m scared of: that I’d say something that upsets them or they find something unpleasant in me that makes them look at me in a diffirent light. It’s not like I don’t want to fix my faults but honestly, when I was a teenager I did do some terrible things and I do have a problem with my temper ,my lack of devotion nowadays and a huge depression thats been at me for for the past 3 years. I’m just thinking people will not understand me and will enver give me a chance to repent because honestly, I did pass through a phase once with someone I know where for every single mistake that I did however small it was I would get shouted at and sometimes insulted. It’s something I don’t want delve in but it certainly did twist me up in a bad way that it influenced my relationship with some past friends.

I know it won’t be easy to make friends but for Petes sake they need to give me a chance and love me despite my faults and help me fix them, not throw me away as if I was irredeemable. Isn’t that the way the Blessed Virgin acts towards sinners?
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Well, while no-one should ever be ‘thrown away’ and it would be nice if people always ‘gave us a chance’, this just isn’t realistic when you’re talking about people you’ve only just met! Not many people want to fix a new friend’s faults, most of us have a hard enough time worrying about our own faults.

Concentrate more on being the kind of person that someone would like to spend time with rather than thinking that the other person should make allowances for you. Keep it light, people you just met don’t need to know about a past phase in your life where you did ‘terrible things’. Were they really terrible things or are you being too hard on yourself? If someone else had done the same things, would you say it was ‘terrible’?

If you know you have a bit of a temper, work on that. If you listen more, ask questions about the other person, and generally act as if what they say is interesting, people will be more likely to want to spend time with you. Don’t jump to conclusions or react badly or say (or think) something negative when a person you’ve just met says something you don’t agree with. Maybe their point of view is just different to yours or maybe there’s something in what they say that you haven’t considered before. We can be friends with people who have different ideas and beliefs to us and no-one is ever right all the time.

If someone says something negative ABOUT you, don’t jump to conclusions or react badly by saying something negative back. Think about what they said and ask yourself if there’s any truth in it. There might be. If there isn’t, forget about it. People say things without thinking sometimes, and without realising it might be hurtful. Ask yourself if you’re overreacting or seeing something that was never intended.

Listen more and talk a bit less if you’re worried you might accidentally say something to hurt someone.

You’re 19 and that can be a tough age, but try to lighten up a little. Give it time, you don’t make close friends in a day or a week or even a month, it takes longer than that.
 
Do_Good_Then_Go said:
Well, while no-one should ever be ‘thrown away’ and it would be nice if people always ‘gave us a chance’, this just isn’t realistic when you’re talking about people you’ve only just met! Not many people want to fix a new friend’s faults, most of us have a hard enough time worrying about our own faults.

Concentrate more on being the kind of person that someone would like to spend time with rather than thinking that the other person should make allowances for you. Keep it light, people you just met don’t need to know about a past phase in your life where you did ‘terrible things’. Were they really terrible things or are you being too hard on yourself? If someone else had done the same things, would you say it was ‘terrible’?

If you know you have a bit of a temper, work on that. If you listen more, ask questions about the other person, and generally act as if what they say is interesting, people will be more likely to want to spend time with you. Don’t jump to conclusions or react badly or say (or think) something negative when a person you’ve just met says something you don’t agree with. Maybe their point of view is just different to yours or maybe there’s something in what they say that you haven’t considered before. We can be friends with people who have different ideas and beliefs to us and no-one is ever right all the time.

If someone says something negative ABOUT you, don’t jump to conclusions or react badly by saying something negative back. Think about what they said and ask yourself if there’s any truth in it. There might be. If there isn’t, forget about it. People say things without thinking sometimes, and without realising it might be hurtful. Ask yourself if you’re overreacting or seeing something that was never intended.

Listen more and talk a bit less if you’re worried you might accidentally say something to hurt someone.

You’re 19 and that can be a tough age, but try to lighten up a little. Give it time, you don’t make close friends in a day or a week or even a month, it takes longer than that.
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Thanks you. You gave me a more complete answer than I could have been ever given.
 
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