My Sixteen Year Old Daughter Has Come To Live With Me And I Need Advice

[naomanos6]

Active Member
For those they don’t know, I will give a brief background.

I was in a 10 year non-marital relationship up in Upstate, NY that failed almost 9 years ago. We have 5 children together. My oldest is 18. My second oldest is 16 and she has come to live with me for a new start.

The new start is because she has failed high school twice in a row and I don’t want her to end up like her brother who dropped out of school. She did have a rough couple of years between being sexually molested by a friend of her mom’s boyfriend, her sister almost dying in an ATV accident that did take her sister’s best friend’s life and her mom’s boyfriend whom she considered as a step-dad died. Her peers in her old school were hard on her as were her siblings. I can understand why she had a rough couple of years.

Since has been down here we have argued once about her dog who nearly killed one of the cats. Told her the dog had to go, but it turned into a huge fight. Again, I understand as the dog is what helped her through this past year after her step-dad died. However, I have to consider the safety of her younger siblings and the cats.

Okay, now for asking for advice. I have never had a 16 year old living with me. My two that I have now are 4 and 2. I didn’t get to see my 16 year old grow up the last 9 years. So, this is all new to me. Her and I have butted heads in our interactions over the phone or Facebook throughout those 9 years.

What can I do to make this transition easier? Any advice for the father of a 16 year old?

She’s defiant on many things. Barely takes a care of her dog and I am concerned about her with school as she missed 40 days last year.

The first thing we did on Saturday, the day after my step-dad drove the 2400 miles to get her was to go and get her an annual pass to Disney as I have one, my girlfriend and her son have one. My other two down here can go for free as their grandfather can get them into Disney for free as he works there.

We’re trying to ease her in, we’re trying to make it fun, but I feel like I am failing. She is unhappy most of the time.

She will also not go to church. I’m not going to force her to go as I feel that will damage the relationship that I’m trying to build with her. I only go every other week as I wad giving permission by the priest to only go every other week because of work and having young children.

Help!!

 

[SuperHappy]

I believe that you should treat her with loving kindness and try not to “butt heads” with her. It sounds like she has been through an awful lot of trauma and the things you describe are probably only a portion of her life experiences. I am sure this transition is equally as bad on her as it is on you.

If I were in your shoes, I would get my child into individual counseling and also I would be attending family counseling with her. She is going to need a lot of help especially after being abused and losing so many so close to her.

Sending up prayer for all of you.

 

[naomanos6]

I believe that you should treat her with loving kindness and try not to “butt heads” with her. It sounds like she has been through an awful lot of trauma and the things you describe are probably only a portion of her life experiences. I am sure this transition is equally as bad on her as it is on you.

If I were in your shoes, I would get my child into individual counseling and also I would be attending family counseling with her. She is going to need a lot of help especially after being abused and losing so many so close to her.

Sending up prayer for all of you.

Thank you!

Stopping the butting of heads will be difficult as according to my girlfriend my daughter and i are exactly alike. It’s going to be a process.

We are working on getting her counseling for sure for her. I however cannot afford both at this time. My health insurance stinks and my deductible is very high for a single person and even higher for family.

I will however be in contact with her counselor and so the counselor can advise me on what’s going on without breaking confidentiality. My girlfriend’s son has a counselor and she does that with her.

 

[Xantippe]

Active Member
For those they don’t know, I will give a brief background.

I was in a 10 year non-marital relationship up in Upstate, NY that failed almost 9 years ago. We have 5 children together. My oldest is 18. My second oldest is 16 and she has come to live with me for a new start.

The new start is because she has failed high school twice in a row and I don’t want her to end up like her brother who dropped out of school. She did have a rough couple of years between being sexually molested by a friend of her mom’s boyfriend, her sister almost dying in an ATV accident that did take her sister’s best friend’s life and her mom’s boyfriend whom she considered as a step-dad died. Her peers in her old school were hard on her as were her siblings. I can understand why she had a rough couple of years.

Since has been down here we have argued once about her dog who nearly killed one of the cats. Told her the dog had to go, but it turned into a huge fight. Again, I understand as the dog is what helped her through this past year after her step-dad died. However, I have to consider the safety of her younger siblings and the cats.

Okay, now for asking for advice. I have never had a 16 year old living with me. My two that I have now are 4 and 2. I didn’t get to see my 16 year old grow up the last 9 years. So, this is all new to me. Her and I have butted heads in our interactions over the phone or Facebook throughout those 9 years.

What can I do to make this transition easier? Any advice for the father of a 16 year old?

She’s defiant on many things. Barely takes a care of her dog and I am concerned about her with school as she missed 40 days last year.

The first thing we did on Saturday, the day after my step-dad drove the 2400 miles to get her was to go and get her an annual pass to Disney as I have one, my girlfriend and her son have one. My other two down here can go for free as their grandfather can get them into Disney for free as he works there.

We’re trying to ease her in, we’re trying to make it fun, but I feel like I am failing. She is unhappy most of the time.

She will also not go to church. I’m not going to force her to go as I feel that will damage the relationship that I’m trying to build with her. I only go every other week as I wad giving permission by the priest to only go every other week because of work and having young children.

Help!!

I have a 15-year-old daughter. Here are some thoughts:

–In my experience, the worst was actually 13/14 when the hormones were coming in. Mine is actually pretty settled and reasonable right now.
–Teenagers see you warts and all (actually, mainly warts). It’s like they’ve partaken of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and can suddenly see that you have faults. So, work on yourself.
–In your case, it’s going to be even tougher, because she actually has the hard facts to make it easy to paint a picture of you as a big religious hypocrite.
–Be strategic. Don’t enter conflicts you can’t win or don’t see the outcome of. Make sure you can win any fight you get into.
–She’ll need both a lot of time to herself, but also time with the family and time alone with you.
–Try to talk to her as adult-to-adult as much as you can, but (realistically) that’s only going to be part of the time.
–Figure out what your expectations are. Make them be limited and realistic and enforce them.
–What do you need to get her back on track with school? She must be really academically struggling if she’s missed that much school. In a lot of districts, she wouldn’t even be allowed to move up to the next grade.

I’m afraid to ask–what happened to the dog?

Best wishes!

 

[naomanos6]

I have a 15-year-old daughter. Here are some thoughts:

–In my experience, the worst was actually 13/14 when the hormones were coming in. Mine is actually pretty settled and reasonable right now.
–Teenagers see you warts and all (actually, mainly warts). It’s like they’ve partaken of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil and can suddenly see that you have faults. So, work on yourself.
–In your case, it’s going to be even tougher, because she actually has the hard facts to make it easy to paint a picture of you as a big religious hypocrite.
–Be strategic. Don’t enter conflicts you can’t win or don’t see the outcome of. Make sure you can win any fight you get into.
–She’ll need both a lot of time to herself, but also time with the family and time alone with you.
–Try to talk to her as adult-to-adult as much as you can, but (realistically) that’s only going to be part of the time.
–Figure out what your expectations are. Make them be limited and realistic and enforce them.
–What do you need to get her back on track with school? She must be really academically struggling if she’s missed that much school. In a lot of districts, she wouldn’t even be allowed to move up to the next grade.

I’m afraid to ask–what happened to the dog?

Best wishes!

The dog is still here. He is a good dog overall, but he has snapped at my mom, a lady on the way down from NY at a rest area and now the cat, but he had a hold of the cat for a brief moment and I know this because the cat was in my hand at the time. I was lifting the cat up under it’s front legs and he grabbed the cat’s mid-section.

She definitely has been struggling academically and much of it has to do with the things that have been going on. She is also very sensitive to how people talk about her. Her peers were very rough on her and it affected her school work. When she was leaving some girl said something to her about being ugly and that she hopes she dies in Florida.

 

[Xantippe]

The dog is still here. He is a good dog overall, but he has snapped at my mom, a lady on the way down from NY at a rest area and now the cat, but he had a hold of the cat for a brief moment and I know this because the cat was in my hand at the time. I was lifting the cat up under it’s front legs and he grabbed the cat’s mid-section.

She definitely has been struggling academically and much of it has to do with the things that have been going on. She is also very sensitive to how people talk about her. Her peers were very rough on her and it affected her school work. When she was leaving some girl said something to her about being ugly and that she hopes she dies in Florida.

I’d be very concerned about having the dog around little kids at home if he’s unreliable.

That’s really tough.

 

[naomanos6]

I’d be very concerned about having the dog around little kids at home if he’s unreliable.

That’s really tough.

I am very concerned, yes. When I told her that the dog was going, she started calling her mom to come get her and threatening to leave if she had to as she is not getting rid of the dog.

Last thing I needed within 48 hours of her coming here was her calling her mom to come and get her.

 

[Xantippe]

I am very concerned, yes. When I told her that the dog was going, she started calling her mom to come get her and threatening to leave if she had to as she is not getting rid of the dog.

Last thing I needed within 48 hours of her coming here was her calling her mom to come and get her.

Here’s a thought–maybe have somebody else be the bad guy?

You could make an appointment with an appropriate professional (vet or dog trainer–I don’t know what would be best), take the daughter with you, and ask the professional their opinion about the situation (giving them as much information as possible). Is the snapping something that can be trained out of the dog, or does the dog need to be put down?

Then do what the professional advises. Unfortunately, this may mean that your older daughter is going back to mama–but if she can’t live without her dog and you can’t house her dog, you can’t house your daughter.

At this point, you’ve got a lot more responsibility for the welfare of your little children, either of whom could easily get bitten in the face by your older daughter’s dog.

It’s an awful situation, but if something were to happen to one of your little kids, you’d never forgive yourself.

Edited to add: If a professional does tell you to get rid of the dog, make sure to emphasize to your daughter that you love her and she is welcome without the dog, but you need to protect everybody under your roof.

 

[naomanos6]

Here’s a thought–maybe have somebody else be the bad guy?

You could make an appointment with an appropriate professional (vet or dog trainer–I don’t know what would be best), take the daughter with you, and ask the professional their opinion about the situation (giving them as much information as possible). Is the snapping something that can be trained out of the dog, or does the dog need to be put down?

Then do what the professional advises. Unfortunately, this may mean that your older daughter is going back to mama–but if she can’t live without her dog and you can’t house her dog, you can’t house your daughter.

At this point, you’ve got a lot more responsibility for the welfare of your little children, either of whom could easily get bitten in the face by your older daughter’s dog.

It’s an awful situation, but if something were to happen to one of your little kids, you’d never forgive yourself.

This is a really tough decision because if she goes back, I can expect her to quit school. Her mom even told me that she was counting down the days till she could quit. She is down here because I want her to be a happy and successful woman. I, in my heart do not believe that will happen if she goes back to her mom. There is a history of dropping out of school. My daughter’s brother dropped out, my oldest dropped out, my daughter’s mother dropped out. It’s not a good situation at all and that’s what makes it tough.

My other kids (other than my oldest) are actually doing well up there, but they are different than my 16 year old. Her younger sister is on the honor roll every semester and does track as well as cheerleading. Her younger brother is also on the honor roll and does cheerleading. Her other younger sister gets high marks. She is just different emotionally and her mom has done nothing to help her that I know of.

I am going to see about getting him behavioral training and go from there. So far there has been no more incidents and my younger ones haven’t been here yet with the dog. The only thing that is a good thing is that the dog has been around little kids before and hasn’t snapped at them. He never snapped at me or my step-dad either. I am thinking it’s because my mom and the woman bent over him to pet him, rather than getting on his level which is always what i do with any dog.

 

[naomanos6]

Edited to add: If a professional does tell you to get rid of the dog, make sure to emphasize to your daughter that you love her and she is welcome without the dog, but you need to protect everybody under your roof.

I have already told her that. That I need to protect everyone, and that includes the cats, not just her younger siblings.

She has an emotional attachment to the dog because it has helped her through this past year. I understand that, I truly do because during the separation and subsequent divorce, my dog is what helped me through.

So, in that I can relate and it makes it that much harder.

 

[heidi_storage]

This is a really tough decision because if she goes back, I can expect her to quit school. Her mom even told me that she was counting down the days till she could quit. She is down here because I want her to be a happy and successful woman. I, in my heart do not believe that will happen if she goes back to her mom. There is a history of dropping out of school. My daughter’s brother dropped out, my oldest dropped out, my daughter’s mother dropped out. It’s not a good situation at all and that’s what makes it tough.

My other kids (other than my oldest) are actually doing well up there, but they are different than my 16 year old. Her younger sister is on the honor roll every semester and does track as well as cheerleading. Her younger brother is also on the honor roll and does cheerleading. Her other younger sister gets high marks. She is just different emotionally and her mom has done nothing to help her that I know of.

I am going to see about getting him behavioral training and go from there. So far there has been no more incidents and my younger ones haven’t been here yet with the dog. The only thing that is a good thing is that the dog has been around little kids before and hasn’t snapped at them. He never snapped at me or my step-dad either. I am thinking it’s because my mom and the woman bent over him to pet him, rather than getting on his level which is always what i do with any dog.

You cannot let your sixteen-year-old hold you hostage. It is great that you are providing support and a change of scenery for your daughter, and she may benefit from that…but she will not do so if she perceives that you will compromise on even a safety issue out of fear she’ll leave. And OP, it only takes one incident with a dog to kill or maim your young children.

 

[naomanos6]

You cannot let your sixteen-year-old hold you hostage. It is great that you are providing support and a change of scenery for your daughter, and she may benefit from that…but she will not do so if she perceives that you will compromise on even a safety issue out of fear she’ll leave. And OP, it only takes one incident with a dog to kill or maim your young children.

I know, I am a dog person and have been all my life, but I also made a promise to her that she can have her dog when it was decided for her to come down here. I don’t want to break that promise and am going to see what I can do to help the situation before getting rid of the dog. That’s the least I can do.

Now, can we not focus on the dog and instead on other things that I need to know?

 

[Irishmom2]

Active Member
For those they don’t know, I will give a brief background.

I was in a 10 year non-marital relationship up in Upstate, NY that failed almost 9 years ago. We have 5 children together. My oldest is 18. My second oldest is 16 and she has come to live with me for a new start.

The new start is because she has failed high school twice in a row and I don’t want her to end up like her brother who dropped out of school. She did have a rough couple of years between being sexually molested by a friend of her mom’s boyfriend, her sister almost dying in an ATV accident that did take her sister’s best friend’s life and her mom’s boyfriend whom she considered as a step-dad died. Her peers in her old school were hard on her as were her siblings. I can understand why she had a rough couple of years.

Since has been down here we have argued once about her dog who nearly killed one of the cats. Told her the dog had to go, but it turned into a huge fight. Again, I understand as the dog is what helped her through this past year after her step-dad died. However, I have to consider the safety of her younger siblings and the cats.

Okay, now for asking for advice. I have never had a 16 year old living with me. My two that I have now are 4 and 2. I didn’t get to see my 16 year old grow up the last 9 years. So, this is all new to me. Her and I have butted heads in our interactions over the phone or Facebook throughout those 9 years.

What can I do to make this transition easier? Any advice for the father of a 16 year old?

She’s defiant on many things. Barely takes a care of her dog and I am concerned about her with school as she missed 40 days last year.

The first thing we did on Saturday, the day after my step-dad drove the 2400 miles to get her was to go and get her an annual pass to Disney as I have one, my girlfriend and her son have one. My other two down here can go for free as their grandfather can get them into Disney for free as he works there.

We’re trying to ease her in, we’re trying to make it fun, but I feel like I am failing. She is unhappy most of the time.

She will also not go to church. I’m not going to force her to go as I feel that will damage the relationship that I’m trying to build with her. I only go every other week as I wad giving permission by the priest to only go every other week because of work and having young children.

Help!!

Did she have trouble academically because she did not understand the work, or had bad study habits or was it the death in the family and the bullying that made her not study?

You may want to go to school, make an appointment and speak to a guidance counselor, alone, to fill them in on your daughters past and to ask for any suggestions they can give.

It sounds to me like getting her through school is the most important thing at this point. Give her tools to help her succeed. A quiet place to study, a desk, a lamp, a comfortable chair. (Check Goodwill.)

Also, I know you don’t want to talk about the dog, but tell her this: you understand how she is attached to the dog but that if he is going to stay, she absolutely needs to take care of him, not you. And that includes training him. Look and see if your local community college offers dog obedience classes. It’s usually inexpensive, and helpful.

God bless you for trying to make things right. I remember your other threads.

 

[Xantippe]

I know, I am a dog person and have been all my life, but I also made a promise to her that she can have her dog when it was decided for her to come down here. I don’t want to break that promise and am going to see what I can do to help the situation before getting rid of the dog. That’s the least I can do.

Now, can we not focus on the dog and instead on other things that I need to know?

No, because the dog could potentially kill your 2-year-old.

I think you need to revisit the moral theology on promises.

I think it’s perfectly OK to look at your options, try dog training, consult experts, etc., but getting rid of the dog has to be on the table, without dawdling. At this point, you have no idea if the dog is safe around the little kids for even a single day.

How about a work/GED arrangement for your older daughter? It doesn’t sound like she finds school very compelling at this point. She might do better to work and then do community college at some later point.

Also, has she been evaluated for learning disabilities? She may have undiagnosed ADHD or similar.

Good luck!

 

[naomanos6]

Did she have trouble academically because she did not understand the work, or had bad study habits or was it the death in the family and the bullying that made her not study?

You may want to go to school, make an appointment and speak to a guidance counselor, alone, to fill them in on your daughters past and to ask for any suggestions they can give.

It sounds to me like getting her through school is the most important thing at this point. Give her tools to help her succeed. A quiet place to study, a desk, a lamp, a comfortable chair. (Check Goodwill.)

Also, I know you don’t want to talk about the dog, but tell her this: you understand how she is attached to the dog but that if he is going to stay, she absolutely needs to take care of him, not you. And that includes training him. Look and see if your local community college offers dog obedience classes. It’s usually inexpensive, and helpful.

God bless you for trying to make things right. I remember your other threads.

In answer to your question I think it’s a little bit of it all in regards to not doing well.

 

[Xantippe]

Did she have trouble academically because she did not understand the work, or had bad study habits or was it the death in the family and the bullying that made her not study?

You may want to go to school, make an appointment and speak to a guidance counselor, alone, to fill them in on your daughters past and to ask for any suggestions they can give.

It sounds to me like getting her through school is the most important thing at this point. Give her tools to help her succeed. A quiet place to study, a desk, a lamp, a comfortable chair. (Check Goodwill.)

**Also, I know you don’t want to talk about the dog, but tell her this: you understand how she is attached to the dog but that if he is going to stay, she absolutely needs to take care of him, not you. **]And that includes training him. Look and see if your local community college offers dog obedience classes. It’s usually inexpensive, and helpful.

God bless you for trying to make things right. I remember your other threads.

Yeah. OP, I know you powerless, but you do actually have a lever in the form of the dog.

Tell your daughter something like this:

“Honey, I know you love your dog and are very attached to your dog, but you’re not taking care of him. This is your dog, your are responsible for him, and you need to be the one who does X, Y and Z. If you love him, you need to take care of his needs.”

Also, come to think of it, if your daughter is really into dogs and is willing to do the work (a big “if” I realize), that is a viable career option. She can make money walking dogs now and have an actual adult career of dog grooming or dog training.

 

[Irishmom2]

How about a work/GED arrangement for your older daughter? It doesn’t sound like she finds school very compelling at this point. She might do better to work and then do community college at some later point.

I think the OP is really trying to avoid her dropping out, and this is one foot out the door.

I would try online high school before I ever went this route. It sounds like his daughter was too distracted by life to really do her schoolwork where she lived before. Perhaps living with some structure and expectations of success from her dad may help.

 

[naomanos6]

1

No, because the dog could potentially kill your 2-year-old.

I think you need to revisit the moral theology on promises.

I think it’s perfectly OK to look at your options, try dog training, consult experts, etc., but getting rid of the dog has to be on the table, without dawdling. At this point, you have no idea if the dog is safe around the little kids for even a single day.

How about a work/GED arrangement for your older daughter? It doesn’t sound like she finds school very compelling at this point. She might do better to work and then do community college at some later point.

Also, has she been evaluated for learning disabilities? She may have undiagnosed ADHD or similar.

Good luck!

Then everyone can keep talking about the dog, but I will no longer respond beyond what I am about to say as my position is not changing. I did state that the dog is okay around little kids. My sixteen year old’s mom has a boyfriend who has two toddlers and the dog never made an aggressive move towards them. So, he has shown a history of being okay with little kids. I think it’s adults that he has a problem with more so then anything else. Getting rid of the dog is a total last resort. If I got rid of the dog now, I will lose all hope of ever having a relationship with my daughter and it may do so much emotional harm to her that I can forget about her going to school or if she does go, doing well.

She has been evaluated and she was negative for those things.

 

[naomanos6]

Yeah. OP, I know you powerless, but you do actually have a lever in the form of the dog.

Tell your daughter something like this:

“Honey, I know you love your dog and are very attached to your dog, but you’re not taking care of him. This is your dog, your are responsible for him, and you need to be the one who does X, Y and Z. If you love him, you need to take care of his needs.”

Also, come to think of it, if your daughter is really into dogs and is willing to do the work (a big “if” I realize), that is a viable career option. She can make money walking dogs now and have an actual adult career of dog grooming or dog training.

She has so far been taking care of him. This morning I let her slide because we have been running since she got down here and I know she needed a day to sleep in, Hell, I even needed a day to sleep in before going back to work tomorrow.

They have an elective at the school that is animal sciences and I encouraged her to take it, but she took stage craft, yearbook and culinary instead.

 

[naomanos6]

I think the OP is really trying to avoid her dropping out, and this is one foot out the door.

I would try online high school before I ever went this route. It sounds like his daughter was too distracted by life to really do her schoolwork where she lived before. Perhaps living with some structure and expectations of success from her dad may help.

I believe you are correct about being distracted about life. Her mom is not near as strict as I am and gives up way to easily when it comes to making sure my daughter’s school work is done. I am not like that and will be sure it gets done. She knows I will not accept anything but her graduating high school as an option.