My Sixteen Year Old Daughter Has Come To Live With Me And I Need Advice

[BlueEyedLady]

No, because the dog could potentially kill your 2-year-old.

I think you need to revisit the moral theology on promises.

I think it’s perfectly OK to look at your options, try dog training, consult experts, etc., but getting rid of the dog has to be on the table, without dawdling. At this point, you have no idea if the dog is safe around the little kids for even a single day.

How about a work/GED arrangement for your older daughter? It doesn’t sound like she finds school very compelling at this point. She might do better to work and then do community college at some later point.

Also, has she been evaluated for learning disabilities? She may have undiagnosed ADHD or similar.

Good luck!

I don’t know how much support an expert is going to provide in getting rid of the dog quickly. We’re dealing with an aggressive (I say vicious) dog in my family right now, and not a single vet or dog trainer has even humored the “should we put him down?” question from the relatives who own him. The only people who have expressed any concern that it might be the best choice are me, the animal control people who were called out after the dog broke the owner’s hand, and a family friend who happens to be a personal injury attorney (he flat out told the relative “You cannot imagine what I would do to you in court if I found out you knew your dog was like this before it attacked my client”). The trainers and vets they’ve consulted are big on strategies to work with and accommodate the dog’s triggers. I don’t like it, but it’s not my dog.

But, even more to the point, for the OP to try to jump in and parent a 16 year old girl out of nowhere is hard enough. To make one of his first actions getting rid of her dog could very well make her situation much worse and ensure this transition won’t work.

Rather than having getting rid of the dog be on the table, it should be assumed she’ll move back to her mom’s with the dog. I know it sucks, but keeping the threat of killing her best friend over her head isn’t going to do anyone any favors. She can keep him, but not in her dad’s home, and that has to be her choice to make.

 

[naomanos6]

I don’t know how much support an expert is going to provide in getting rid of the dog quickly. We’re dealing with an aggressive (I say vicious) dog in my family right now, and not a single vet or dog trainer has even humored the “should we put him down?” question from the relatives who own him. The only people who have expressed any concern that it might be the best choice are me, the animal control people who were called out after the dog broke the owner’s hand, and a family friend who happens to be a personal injury attorney (he flat out told the relative “You cannot imagine what I would do to you in court if I found out you knew your dog was like this before it attacked my client”). The trainers and vets they’ve consulted are big on strategies to work with and accommodate the dog’s triggers. I don’t like it, but it’s not my dog.

But, even more to the point, for the OP to try to jump in and parent a 16 year old girl out of nowhere is hard enough. To make one of his first actions getting rid of her dog could very well make her situation much worse and ensure this transition won’t work.

Rather than having getting rid of the dog be on the table, it should be assumed she’ll move back to her mom’s with the dog. I know it sucks, but keeping the threat of killing her best friend over her head isn’t going to do anyone any favors. She can keep him, but not in her dad’s home, and that has to be her choice to make.

Her mom doesn’t want the dog back either, that’s the other problem. So, if she goes back, which one of the stipulations I was given by her mother is that the dog doesn’t go back and she cannot go back for a year. If she came down, she’s down for a year and no less.

My daughter has plans to graduate down here, so I think her coming down here was the right idea. Now, we just have to figure out the details and that includes the dog.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Her mom doesn’t want the dog back either, that’s the other problem. So, if she goes back, which one of the stipulations I was given by her mother is that the dog doesn’t go back and she cannot go back for a year. If she came down, she’s down for a year and no less.

My daughter has plans to graduate down here, so I think her coming down here was the right idea. Now, we just have to figure out the details and that includes the dog.

I’m with you in doing everything you can to keep it, even if it means terrible inconvenience for you and/or your daughter and/or the dog. She’s a vulnerable kid and I can’t think of a better way to make her feel like she doesn’t matter and her life is spiraling beyond her control than to get rid of her dog. Besides, in just two years, he will be her problem.

Maybe the dog lives in her bedroom and doesn’t come out unless he’s muzzled and/or leashed. If that’s the case though, she has to take him for long walks or runs every single day, because that’s a rough two years for a pup. Besides, the activity and fresh air is good for both of them.

 

[mVitus]

Even though I’ve never owned a dog, I was thinking of the idea of a fenced in area outside the home. Given that it’s Florida, I’m guessing the weather is alright. Just my 2 cents if the dog is absolutely staying.

 

[naomanos6]

Even though I’ve never owned a dog, I was thinking of the idea of a fenced in area outside the home. Given that it’s Florida, I’m guessing the weather is alright. Just my 2 cents if the dog is absolutely staying.

Unfortunately, it’s not an option. We live in an apartment.

 

[Mxpxlcp55]

I am sure someone has already mentioned this since I haven’t had time to read every reply post. I just suggest doing the one thing that will be the most beneficial; however it unfolds will be up to God. If you’re not already doing it, pray the rosary every day, offer up your intentions for you daughter. If possible, take on whatever sacrifices you are able to and offer them up for you and your daughter. Everything else will fall in place according to the LORD. I know personally from being a difficult son for my parents, that the one thing my dad did everyday was these things, and now we are both lovers of Christ and his Church and we are closer than ever before. I truly believe that prayer works. Obviously everyone’s practical suggestions that I did read will definitely help too. God love you.

 

[DarkLight]

What does she like? What does she want out of life? Is she thinking about the future at all?

I’m not a parent, but I’ve lived with trauma issues. One major effect it can have is that you lose your sense of the future. Everything’s bad anyway, so what’s the sense in worrying about things like graduating? Anger and stubbornness can also be symptoms - anger may be displaced because you are a “safe” target.

Ask your parish if they know of any low-cost counselors who would be willing to work with you for a reduced price. In the meantime, I’d do as much reading as you can on trauma and the aftereffects, because it sounds like you are dealing with a seriously traumatized child.

 

[SuperHappy]

Thank you!

Stopping the butting of heads will be difficult as according to my girlfriend my daughter and i are exactly alike. It’s going to be a process.

We are working on getting her counseling for sure for her. I however cannot afford both at this time. My health insurance stinks and my deductible is very high for a single person and even higher for family.

I will however be in contact with her counselor and so the counselor can advise me on what’s going on without breaking confidentiality. My girlfriend’s son has a counselor and she does that with her.

You should check with Catholic Services in your area, they offer a sliding scale for payments and sometimes are free. Also the school guidance counselor may be able to help you with her needing individual counseling.

I feel for you & for her at this time, the transition is going to be tough but if you can continue to exhibit to her that you love her and have her best interest at heart, she will come around.

You are in a tough spot having been so far away from her and not involved as much in her parenting. I hope you can overcome it.

 

[naomanos6]

You should check with Catholic Services in your area, they offer a sliding scale for payments and sometimes are free. Also the school guidance counselor may be able to help you with her needing individual counseling.

I feel for you & for her at this time, the transition is going to be tough but if you can continue to exhibit to her that you love her and have her best interest at heart, she will come around.

You are in a tough spot having been so far away from her and not involved as much in her parenting. I hope you can overcome it.

Apparently, they did away with counselors through Catholic Services as I was told that they no longer do that. Not sure why.

 

[jaimeleglise]

I recommend that you look into getting your daughter a tutor for academic support. Many college students are available for this. God bless you.

 

[naomanos6]

I recommend that you look into getting your daughter a tutor for academic support. Many college students are available for this. God bless you.

I am going to see how she does down here first before looking at a tutor. She will have my help and support as well as my girlfriend’s help and support. If I find she is still struggling, I will go that route.

We’re not sure how she was supported when she was with her mom or if there was any support given beyond the school.

 

[DarkLight]

I am going to see how she does down here first before looking at a tutor. She will have my help and support as well as my girlfriend’s help and support. If I find she is still struggling, I will go that route.

We’re not sure how she was supported when she was with her mom or if there was any support given beyond the school.

I would see if you can get some sort of counseling first. Talk to your priest about what’s available. There’s generally sliding scale places in most any urban area.

 

[naomanos6]

I would see if you can get some sort of counseling first. Talk to your priest about what’s available. There’s generally sliding scale places in most any urban area.

I did and he wasn’t aware of any. However, when I took her for her physical for school on Monday the doctor recommended counseling and gave me a list to call. It is going to have to wait till next month towards the middle of the month as it took everything I had in order to get her down here money wise and a couple of my bills are not getting paid this month because of it.

 

[Viki63]

You will do fine. The main rules I had for my teenagers was: don’t get upset, be calm;
and listen whenever they want to talk.
Try not to panic when she comes up with some outrageous comment or plan. “I’m changing my sex next week, are you okay with that?” “We’re thinking about robbing the bank, would you mind driving the getaway car?”
Usually they are just trying it on to see how you’ll react. The best reaction is either “Tell me more,” or “that might not be the best idea.”

If counseling is not available or affordable right now, maybe look into dog obedience classes for your daughter to take her pet to. They have all levels of obedience, from beginner to canine agility training. Dogs love this stuff, and it would help your daughter with maturity and give her something to focus on that is not schoolwork. I know she will have to put a lot of effort into school. but classes for her dog would be a break.
She is fortunate to have a caring dad.

.

 

[CradleJourney]

Well, many posters have had a lot to say about the dog and school so let me address a different area - how to build a relationship with her.

My advice is to do your best to discover something she’s at least a little interested in but doesn’t currently do. Then you two do it together. You and her. Not girlfriend, not other children. Just you two. Rebuild a car, learn to rock climb, team play in an online RPG, take dance class, yoga class, whatever … but make it something you can both learn and grow in at the same relative place. Make it something you can talk about without all the other issues (her past behavior/tramas, her current behavior, her grades, her appearance, her behavior, etc) being involved.

In other words, build some neutral ground - and make it something no one else is/has done with her or you so you’re both new at it making new memories together. Hopefully it will become your “safe” place to build the bond needed to address all the other issues that come up.

And considering the background, I’d also make it something you’re willing to omit from any discipline that’s needed. I’m all for parents using discipline. But starting at 16 you have what is basically a “proto-adult” on your hands - she can accept that your home has rules and consequences - that’s something any adult has to deal with (when at work, visiting, so forth). But she still needs to create her own sense of belonging so will need a new solid base to stand on - help her build one and realize it’s going to be fragile for a long time - don’t use whatever it is as either a reward or punishment - give it to her unconditionally and regularly (something you do each week or every couple days) no matter what else is going on. Then she’ll have a tangible event to rely on that helps her understand the far less tangible love you have for her.

Hope that made sense.

Posting from what I needed desperately at that age and never got.

Prayers and best wishes,
CJ

 

[bitterhope]

Well, many posters have had a lot to say about the dog and school so let me address a different area - how to build a relationship with her.

My advice is to do your best to discover something she’s at least a little interested in but doesn’t currently do. Then you two do it together. You and her. Not girlfriend, not other children. Just you two. Rebuild a car, learn to rock climb, team play in an online RPG, take dance class, yoga class, whatever … but make it something you can both learn and grow in at the same relative place. Make it something you can talk about without all the other issues (her past behavior/tramas, her current behavior, her grades, her appearance, her behavior, etc) being involved.

In other words, build some neutral ground - and make it something no one else is/has done with her or you so you’re both new at it making new memories together. Hopefully it will become your “safe” place to build the bond needed to address all the other issues that come up.

And considering the background, I’d also make it something you’re willing to omit from any discipline that’s needed. I’m all for parents using discipline. But starting at 16 you have what is basically a “proto-adult” on your hands - she can accept that your home has rules and consequences - that’s something any adult has to deal with (when at work, visiting, so forth). But she still needs to create her own sense of belonging so will need a new solid base to stand on - help her build one and realize it’s going to be fragile for a long time - don’t use whatever it is as either a reward or punishment - give it to her unconditionally and regularly (something you do each week or every couple days) no matter what else is going on. Then she’ll have a tangible event to rely on that helps her understand the far less tangible love you have for her.

Hope that made sense.

Posting from what I needed desperately at that age and never got.

Prayers and best wishes,
CJ

This is the best advice I’ve seen on CAF for a very long time.