My Small Children at Mass... discouraged

[morningstar16]

Thank you all for your suggestions and prayers.
I am a mother of 6, oldest being 11, youngest 3 are 5 and under.

My husband is either up and working, or sleeping in on a Sunday and cannot be counted on for child care. It’s just who he is.
To those who asked about precana, well, we married young and I wanted to raise our children Catholic, he agreed to let me. It was a one weekend thing and I don’t think it was nearly as thorough as it should have been.

He was baptized Baptist, attended VBA here or there, but never was a church goer. He has been to Church with us maybe a dozen times, he claims he feels awkward and out of place, and that he feels sick in church. He doesn’t talk about faith much. Over the years he has become a little more comfortable about prayer (he won’t say prayers aloud with us unless one of our children ask Him for an intention, but he will remind them to say grace before meals.)

I am going to pray about it. I need to get myself to confession and make a renewed effort at it.
I really like the Mass bag idea.

Thanks again!!

 

[EasterJoy]

Our children were very active, and my husband and mother-in-law (who lived with us) weren’t Catholic. If I was alone, they were too much for me to keep in line. If my husband was with me, he was constantly corrected them and making the experience of Mass upsetting for both them and himself. Other children in our parish were not held to anything like the standards of behavior that my husband wanted our children to observe. We decided to leave them at home most Sundays, but practiced Catholic rituals at home such as prayer before meals, prayer for the dead and for special intentions, daily prayers at bed time and so on and taught them the faith. One of the things they learned is that when they were old enough they would have a duty to attend Mass every Sunday, as I did. When I got home from church, the family who weren’t there would ask me how Mass was, and I’d tell him about the homily and other details.

We left the twins home until they were about four and a half, a year or a year and a half before they started religious education. When that time came, we got them clothing suitable for Mass that they also found they liked wearing. We got to Mass early enough for them to sit in the very front, if they behaved. If they could tell me something Father said during his homily, they got a treat after Mass. Since they were old enough to begin preparing to receive Holy Communion, they were treated as having the duty to go to Mass if they weren’t sick. Oh–and we also had other times during the week, such as during meals at home or when we were at restaurants, when they were expected to stay in their seats, be civilized, and figure out how to be contented to take things in without getting down and running around. Mass was not the only time during the week they had to sit still for an hour! They didn’t start altar serving until a year after the earliest they could have started, because even though they could sit still well enough in the pews to avoid distracting others, they still gawked around at who knows what, swung their feet, and had a lot of wiggle left in them.

They are now in their 7th year of altar serving. They serve funerals, they get up of their own volition and serve daily Mass, they serve essentially every chance they get. When we go on vacation, they look forward to seeing the local parish and meeting the local priest. I think the most important thing is to find a way to teach children that Mass is both a duty and a component of the weekly routine that is valuable and to be looked forward to. There is more than one way of doing that. In my mind, the ideal is to bring them every week from the time they are infants, but if you recognize that your situation is not ideal, find your alternative solution with the end you want to achieve always in mind.

 

[EasterJoy]

Thank you all for your suggestions and prayers.
I am a mother of 6, oldest being 11, youngest 3 are 5 and under.

My husband is either up and working, or sleeping in on a Sunday and cannot be counted on for child care. It’s just who he is…

You might find a family or families at the Mass time you usually attend who have well-behaved children of a similar age and parenting strategies you admire and ask if you can a) sit near them so your children can imitate theirs and b) have the parents help your 11 year old keep an eye on your younger child if you have to leave your pew to attend to the needs of the other that are beyond what the 11 year old can do.

I’d also make it worth the 11 year old’s while to be your help at Mass. Make this a merit-based position that the younger ones can aspire to join by their habitual behavior, rather than only by attaining a certain age.

If the altar servers are young people and you think the altar servers are good role models (in some parishes they definitely are and in other parishes, not so much), then by all means suggest to your children that they watch the altar servers and consider whether they would like to do that. (Being an altar server family is going to mean getting the clan to Mass 10-15 minutes earlier than you already do, or 20, if you barely get into your pew before the entrance music starts. The advantage is that people learn to recognize those who get there earlier and children are very encouraged by seeing that smile of recognition from other parishioners when they enter and/or leave the church. Getting there early can also allow for special things like lighting votive candles for an intention, and so on, and children like that, too.)

 

[Rosebud77]

Our children were very active, and my husband and mother-in-law (who lived with us) weren’t Catholic. If I was alone, they were too much for me to keep in line. If my husband was with me, he was constantly corrected them and making the experience of Mass upsetting for both them and himself. Other children in our parish were not held to anything like the standards of behavior that my husband wanted our children to observe. We decided to leave them at home most Sundays, but practiced Catholic rituals at home such as prayer before meals, prayer for the dead and for special intentions, daily prayers at bed time and so on and taught them the faith. One of the things they learned is that when they were old enough they would have a duty to attend Mass every Sunday, as I did. When I got home from church, the family who weren’t there would ask me how Mass was, and I’d tell him about the homily and other details.

We left the twins home until they were about four and a half, a year or a year and a half before they started religious education. When that time came, we got them clothing suitable for Mass that they also found they liked wearing. We got to Mass early enough for them to sit in the very front, if they behaved. If they could tell me something Father said during his homily, they got a treat after Mass. Since they were old enough to begin preparing to receive Holy Communion, they were treated as having the duty to go to Mass if they weren’t sick. Oh–and we also had other times during the week, such as during meals at home or when we were at restaurants, when they were expected to stay in their seats, be civilized, and figure out how to be contented to take things in without getting down and running around. Mass was not the only time during the week they had to sit still for an hour! They didn’t start altar serving until a year after the earliest they could have started, because even though they could sit still well enough in the pews to avoid distracting others, they still gawked around at who knows what, swung their feet, and had a lot of wiggle left in them.

They are now in their 7th year of altar serving. They serve funerals, they get up of their own volition and serve daily Mass, they serve essentially every chance they get. When we go on vacation, they look forward to seeing the local parish and meeting the local priest. I think the most important thing is to find a way to teach children that Mass is both a duty and a component of the weekly routine that is valuable and to be looked forward to. There is more than one way of doing that. In my mind, the ideal is to bring them every week from the time they are infants, but if you recognize that your situation is not ideal, find your alternative solution with the end you want to achieve always in mind.

A truly great post…Blessings and thanks… I had hesitated posting as I am increasingly aware of the huge “cultural” differences between rural Ireland and the US and also I am of an age and of such a different background. Also I am a contemplative at heart and cannot easily cope with big services,

When I was still managing to attend Mass, I would sit at the back of the cathedral in a small arrangement of half pews … I cannot cope with standing, sitting, kneeling etc. Often there was a mother there with a child around five who she made no effort to be still. He would run riot at the back and I wondered what he could have got from the Mass?

And yes it was a huge distraction from the Mass.

What Easter Joy did is perfect. It made the children aware of the huge importance of Mass.

Maybe this is one thing the Anglicans and others do better, in that there is a Matins/Morning Prayer which does not have the same… intensity… There is singing, and in many churches the little ones would be taken out by their Sunday School teachers before the sermon, and also before the consecration etc.

We are a family and all members are important.

 

[EasterJoy]

A truly great post…Blessings and thanks… I had hesitated posting as I am increasingly aware of the huge “cultural” differences between rural Ireland and the US and also I am of an age and of such a different background. Also I am a contemplative at heart and cannot easily cope with big services,

When I was still managing to attend Mass, I would sit at the back of the cathedral in a small arrangement of half pews … I cannot cope with standing, sitting, kneeling etc. Often there was a mother there with a child around five who she made no effort to be still. He would run riot at the back and I wondered what he could have got from the Mass?

And yes it was a huge distraction from the Mass.

What Easter Joy did is perfect. It made the children aware of the huge importance of Mass.

Maybe this is one thing the Anglicans and others do better, in that there is a Matins/Morning Prayer which does not have the same… intensity… There is singing, and in many churches the little ones would be taken out by their Sunday School teachers before the sermon, and also before the consecration etc.

We are a family and all members are important.

What we did is nice if you have someone at home who can a) take care of your children and b) will present going to Mass as a valuable thing, even though they don’t attend themselves.

Many parents, even Catholic couples, don’t have the option of leaving their children at home. Some come to Mass too exhausted to wrestle with an active child who screams when he is corrected, as some children have the temperament to do. After all, it is not as if you can beat appreciation for worship time into a child.

It may have been that this mother was using the “you can sit in the very front if you are quiet, but if you are active we have to be in the back” strategy with less than stellar success. Not every strategy works, after all, and I don’t know of one that always works. Oh, how many parents of large families found only with a younger maverick that they had not actually found the fool-proof methods of raising children that they thought! The older ones, being amenable to their “method,” sometimes make their parents cocky. Later children sometimes serve up some humble pie.

So while I’m very happy with the way our experiment worked out and like to offer it up as evidence that all is not lost if you have to leave your young child home from Mass in order to spare yourself a pointless and perhaps damaging battle every week, I also understand that our method is not available to everyone and won’t work for everyone. Some parents who could use it won’t do so because they simply don’t like it, and that is OK, too.

If your child is too active, the very back is the accepted place for them, as it is distracting to the fewest of those present. It is regrettable that you couldn’t be farther away so that you could attend to Mass better, but sometimes the best option simply isn’t available. When that happens, mercy has to make up the difference. May the Lord reward you richly for enduring distractions when you could have used consolations, instead!

 

[Rosebud77]

What we did is nice if you have someone at home who can a) take care of your children and b) will present going to Mass as a valuable thing, even though they don’t attend themselves.

Many parents, even Catholic couples, don’t have the option of leaving their children at home. Some come to Mass too exhausted to wrestle with an active child who screams when he is corrected, as some children have the temperament to do. After all, it is not as if you can beat appreciation for worship time into a child.

It may have been that this mother was using the “you can sit in the very front if you are quiet, but if you are active we have to be in the back” strategy with less than stellar success. Not every strategy works, after all, and I don’t know of one that always works. Oh, how many parents of large families found only with a younger maverick that they had not actually found the fool-proof methods of raising children that they thought! The older ones, being amenable to their “method,” sometimes make their parents cocky. Later children sometimes serve up some humble pie.

So while I’m very happy with the way our experiment worked out and like to offer it up as evidence that all is not lost if you have to leave your young child home from Mass in order to spare yourself a pointless and perhaps damaging battle every week, I also understand that our method is not available to everyone and won’t work for everyone. Some parents who could use it won’t do so because they simply don’t like it, and that is OK, too.

If your child is too active, the very back is the accepted place for them, as it is distracting to the fewest of those present. It is regrettable that you couldn’t be farther away so that you could attend to Mass better, but sometimes the best option simply isn’t available. When that happens, mercy has to make up the difference. May the Lord reward you richly for enduring distractions when you could have used consolations, instead!

gee! Talk about damning with words! Ah well, now I am unable to attend mass so all is well…But is it not disrespecting the mass to allow little ones to behave like that? On the occasion I mentioned, the child was opening and closing side doors loudly, and the mother making no attempt at control. Would love you to explain “consolations”: I love kids and mass is not the right place .
Over and out from me as clearly …

 

[Cynical_Realist]

Just out of curiosity, is there any reason you couldn’t attend the Saturday vigil Mass? Perhaps your husband wouldn’t be sleeping around that time, and you would actually get some peace at Mass. I realize that isn’t always feasible, but from the time I was old enough to go, I always attended Saturday vigil when I could (and no, i did not like attending church with my family, so I didn’t have to worry about that, since they usually went on Sunday morning).