My Son Came out Gay last Night

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qui_est_ce

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I don’t even know how to begin this post. I am so heart-broken. My son sent me a text last night that he has been sexually involved with men and that "one of his current partners is “non-binary.” I know he is heavily involved in the gay and transgender community here, but he always had girlfriends, so I was shocked.

It started a week ago when we had a family dinner for his birthday (32 years old). He started talking about gay marriage, etc. I should have shut up, but we do have a good relationship and can usually discuss things rationally. But then he started telling me I was a “hater” because I didn’t agree with gay activity. I tried to explain that it was not hatred, that I loved the person, but not the sin. He threw all the gay community talking points at me. “Hate” means not affirming people, hate means not agreeing with gay marriage, etc. So I shut up, thinking he’ll get over it He got emotional and stormed out. My 96 year old mom was there. After he stormed out, she said, “what was that discussion about?”

I immediately texted him an apology telling him I care about his gay friends (I have had them over, including a non-binary female whose preferred pronoun is they) even though I many not agree with their choices.

It took him a week to reply, which is unusual. The next morning I texted him back saying “you are made for a purpose and are dearly loved. Love Mom.”

I’m thinking he may have tried to come out at the dinner, but couldn’t. It’s not like him to get so mad and emotional.

I am divorced since he was nine and my daughter was six. Their dad was an emotionally abusive dad.

I will say, I do have a good relationship with both my children. We do things together. And I always encouraged them to see their dad. Twelve years of Catholic school, and a very practicing Catholic family.
 
Pray, and please love him, as these are very difficult times.

His anger may be defensiveness or feeling vulnerable. Doesn’t mean he’s angry at you. Maybe just struggling with the whole thing. Society seems like it’s very tolerant and even welcoming, but it’s really not. It’s a scary world out there.
 
I can feel your shock through your post. Sending you a big virtual hug right now.

I think perhaps you both need a little time to let the dust settle before you talk about it again. Just make sure he knows you love him, no matter what.

I think the other thing to mention is where you say “he threw all the gay community talking points at me”. Try to see it from his point of view - he obviously sees himself as part of the community, and I think it sounds as though he genuinely believes what he says, and he holds that point of view. So try and engage with him from that viewpoint, with you both holding these strong beliefs.

Be kind to yourself ❤️
 
lil_user said:
Pray, and please love him, as these are very difficult times.

His anger may be defensiveness or feeling vulnerable. Doesn’t mean he’s angry at you. Maybe just struggling with the whole thing. Society seems like it’s very tolerant and even welcoming, but it’s really not. It’s a scary world out there.
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This is a really good point. Add to that is his family are all strong Catholics - he may be very worried of being ostracised by the people he loves the most.
 
I am so sorry this has happened. I will pray for you and your son. Please trust in God and have patience. Pray for your son, from now until the day you or he dies. Do it every single day. out loud. And by name.

Also.

Never stop loving him. I know you do. But never ever stop. And never ever abandon your faith.
 
love him today as you did before you knew, let him know this!
pray for him
do not judge him
be there for him

do not let it make a difference in your relationship with him
 
Praying for you and for your son, Christine.
May God guide you both.
Amen.
 
You and your son are in my prayers. I can identify with your post in many ways. My son is also gay. I’m divorced and have a daughter. As others have suggested, love him and be supportive when you can. He is still your son and nothing will change that. We had a series at church about different “neighbors” and it was stressed how important it is for those who feel marginalized or pushed down to belong to a supportive community. So, I try to thank God for those who are supporting my son. (He lives in another state is currently is not in communication - reasons other than his orientation.)
 
upant said:
do not let it make a difference in your relationship with him
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It will make a difference in the relationship. It already has. But don’t let it destroy a natural and holy and loving relationship between a parent and the son.
 
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My daughter came out at Easter and my husband is having a really hard time with her being in a relationship. I’m not sure if it’s of her being gay or her having a relationship. He says he would be worse if she was in a relationship with a guy and having it be so serious at 6 months. Part of me knows he’s scared to lose her and let her grow up (she’s 20 and in third year University), but part of me just wants to scream at him and tell him that he’s driving her away from our family. I feel like I’ve failed as a mother to keep my family from falling apart at the seams. I feel like I’m failing as a wife because I don’t agree with my husband, I don’t think she’s in a controling relationship and I feel like she needs to walk this journey on her own with us being there when she needs it. Not breathing down her neck and making her think we don’t love her. Sorry if this is taking from the OP but I don’t know what to do and I’m scared for my family.
 
As a gay 14 nearly 15 year old who is also catholic is extremely hard. I’m already guilty form being gay and I want it to go away they say “pray the gay away” but it doesn’t work. He’s probably going through a hard time just like I am and it takes a lot of time to say that to family. I haven’t. I don’t think I ever will. I just want to be normal and if it means I will never have sex then so be it. But that might be hard for me because today I found out that masturbation is a mortal sin. I’m going to church and confession tomorrow to confess my sins. Gay being the worst one. Love him the best you can even though it may be hard just love him that’s all he wants other than acceptance.
 
qui_est_ce said:
I tried to explain that it was not hatred, that I loved the person, but not the sin.
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I can only make one suggestion. Forget the concept “hate the sin, but love the sinner”. You cannot “love” the person if you hate what they do. I can only suggest one thing. Invite both your son ans his partner, hug them both together in a nice group hug, and tell them that you really love them as they are. Add that you need time to get accustomed to this setup, but you want them to be part of your family.

And I wish the best of luck for all of you.
 
I wish I had some great words of wisdom to pass on to you. From one mom to another, I’m sending you love and will keep you in my prayers. God bless you qui_est_ce, take care.

Blessed Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful-
Mother and love the weary, abused, neglected
or forgotten among us-
Give your aid to all needing help or healing-
Assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering-
Be with those needing peace-
Console the lonely or brokenhearted-
Comfort the lost or hopeless-
Strengthen the fearful-
Guard the unborn-
Pray for those who are dying or who have died-
Soften those with hardened hearts-
Enlighten those who do not yet see truth-
Help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go-
Show us the way to do the right thing-
Protect those who are in danger, and
Guide us from every evil.
May all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen
 
pepcab said:
I feel like I’ve failed as a mother to keep my family from falling apart at the seams.
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Families fall apart for all types of reasons. Standing by and helping your husband should be your first concern in making sure that doesn’t happen.
 
Lou2U said:
I can feel your shock through your post. Sending you a big virtual hug right now.
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Thank you! I can feel the hug, believe it or not.
Lou2U said:
I think perhaps you both need a little time to let the dust settle before you talk about it again. Just make sure he knows you love him, no matter what.
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I agree. At first I wanted to call him and meet so we can talk about this, but I’m not ready to hear his whole story yet.
Lou2U said:
I think the other thing to mention is where you say “he threw all the gay community talking points at me”. Try to see it from his point of view - he obviously sees himself as part of the community, and I think it sounds as though he genuinely believes what he says, and he holds that point of view. So try and engage with him from that viewpoint, with you both holding these strong beliefs.
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Good advice. I have been thinking about who this is impacting ME.
Lou2U said:
Be kind to yourself ❤️
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I put my faith in Jesus.
 
lil_user said:
Pray, and please love him, as these are very difficult times.
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I do love him and tell him that all the time. Especially at the end of every phone call. I want my children to remember those as the last words they ever heard from me.
“lil_user said:
His anger may be defensiveness or feeling vulnerable. Doesn’t mean he’s angry at you. Maybe just struggling with the whole thing. Society seems like it’s very tolerant and even welcoming, but it’s really not. It’s a scary world out there.
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He may have run into some intolerant people and projecting it on his family. But I have to think he would know we will always love him. There are some gay people in my in-laws’ family and we have always been kind and welcoming to them. I don’t get why he’s accusing me of intolerance.
 
Thank you. I have a great deal of respect for you from reading your posts on these threads.
 
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