My Son Came out Gay last Night

[qui_est_ce]

Thanks for sharing. I’m am feeling many of the same emotions. You are not taking from my post! It helps to know others are going through the same thing.

I feel like society is sooo messed up it’s drawing children away from their families and their traditions. From what I’ve seen, many children choose the lifestyle over their families.

Note, I do not blame people for being same-sex attracted. They can’t help it. But the lifestyle that my son is pursuing is awful. Many partners, male, female, “one if [his] partners is nonbinary,” etc.
Where does that all come from???

I’m not ready to sit down and hear more at this point.

 

[qui_est_ce]

As a gay 14 nearly 15 year old who is also catholic is extremely hard. I’m already guilty form being gay and I want it to go away they say “pray the gay away” but it doesn’t work. He’s probably going through a hard time just like I am and it takes a lot of time to say that to family. I haven’t. I don’t think I ever will. I just want to be normal and if it means I will never have sex then so be it. But that might be hard for me because today I found out that masturbation is a mortal sin. I’m going to church and confession tomorrow to confess my sins. Gay being the worst one. Love him the best you can even though it may be hard just love him that’s all he wants other than acceptance.

Dear Unknown,
Thank you so much for posting. It took a lot of courage to say what you did. Being gay is not a sin! I hope that by now you have gone to confession and that the priest told you this. Accept yourself and love yourself.

God bless you and I hope to see more of your postings!

 

[Retsel]

But the lifestyle that my son is pursuing is awful. … Where does that all come from???

All sinful behaviors are dead-end life wasters.

We’re always being tempted to do sinful things, it’s people-herd lies that fool many into thinking sinful behavior is somehow okay.

 

[Trishie]

Christine, adding my prayers for your son, your daughter and for you.
So often our children surprise us.
May God keep you all in His loving mercy.

 

[Trishie]

Your son was probably just nervous about telling you, and has put off the moment so long that he built up too much anxiety and defensiveness.
Your love will get through to him.

 

[qui_est_ce]

Thank you everyone for your amazing words of wisdom, prayers, and support.

I thought I had shielded my children from such worldly pulls, or at least educated them against such. I just about gave blood to put them through Catholic grade school and high school. I always welcomed his friends in our home, including the “nonbinary,” etc. But I am going to stop making it about me and why I’m not a “hater.”

As I said, I’m not ready to hear his story right now. I need guidance on how to sit down and listen to him without hearing all the glory details of his relationships. He gave me too much information in his text and it made me gag. I don’t want these images in my mind when I look at him.

I love him with all my heart and want what’s best for him. This world he’s immersed in is dark and Godless. His best friend since third grade died from a drug overdose two years ago. I want to be God’s light.

I made an appointment with my pastor for tomorrow afternoon. I will listen to his advice on how to approach this.

Again, thanks for this amazing community. And thanks CAF for providing this forum.

 

[JanetF]

Just saw this post, will be praying for you and your son. Talking to your priest about this is excellent idea. Give your son some space and let things settle down. Pray for him and be there for him when he reaches out to you. Keep reinforcing your love for your kids.

I disagree with the person who said to forget “love the sinner, hate the sin”. As Catholics that’s what we are taught about dealing with our fellow humans all of whom sin. You son will see by your actions that you don’t hate him.

Virtual hugs coming your way!

 

[qui_est_ce]

I disagree with the person who said to forget “love the sinner, hate the sin”. As Catholics that’s what we are taught about dealing with our fellow humans all of whom sin. You son will see by your actions that you don’t hate him.

Thank you Janet.

 

[Norseman82]

I don’t even know how to begin this post. I am so heart-broken. My son sent me a text last night that he has been sexually involved with men and that "one of his current partners is “non-binary.” I know he is heavily involved in the gay and transgender community here, but he always had girlfriends, so I was shocked.

It started a week ago when we had a family dinner for his birthday (32 years old). He started talking about gay marriage, etc. I should have shut up, but we do have a good relationship and can usually discuss things rationally. But then he started telling me I was a “hater” because I didn’t agree with gay activity. I tried to explain that it was not hatred, that I loved the person, but not the sin. He threw all the gay community talking points at me. “Hate” means not affirming people, hate means not agreeing with gay marriage, etc. So I shut up, thinking he’ll get over it He got emotional and stormed out. My 96 year old mom was there. After he stormed out, she said, “what was that discussion about?”

I immediately texted him an apology telling him I care about his gay friends (I have had them over, including a non-binary female whose preferred pronoun is they) even though I many not agree with their choices.

It took him a week to reply, which is unusual. The next morning I texted him back saying “you are made for a purpose and are dearly loved. Love Mom.”

I’m thinking he may have tried to come out at the dinner, but couldn’t. It’s not like him to get so mad and emotional.

I am divorced since he was nine and my daughter was six. Their dad was an emotionally abusive dad.

I will say, I do have a good relationship with both my children. We do things together. And I always encouraged them to see their dad. Twelve years of Catholic school, and a very practicing Catholic family.

Hoo-boy. Lots of problems here.

First, “one of his partners” = multiple partners = promiscuity. He is engaging in dangerous activities and putting himself medically at risk for who knows how many diseases.

Second, I don’t think you should have apologized to him. His “temper tantrum” (for lack of a better word) is a form of bullying. It may have been a way to set up the “coming out” text and, to me, says that either you affirm his lifestyle or you lose him and more bullying in the future. Worst case scenario, he may make you choose between him and God.

Does your daughter know about this? What is her reaction?

 

[qui_est_ce]

Hoo-boy. Lots of problems here.

You got that right!

First, “one of his partners” = multiple partners = promiscuity. He is engaging in dangerous activities and putting himself medically at risk for who knows how many diseases.

Agree. That would be an issue even if it were only women.

Second, I don’t think you should have apologized to him.

I apologized that I upset him. I included that I cared about his friends even though I didn’t agree with their choices (this was before he “came out” in a subsequent text).

His “temper tantrum” (for lack of a better word) is a form of bullying. It may have been a way to set up the “coming out” text and, to me, says that either you affirm his lifestyle or you lose him and more bullying in the future.

I do worry about this and agree with what you wrote. This is why I’m not going to talk about this to him yet. I need to tread carefully here, and I don’t know how to yet.

Worst case scenario, he may make you choose between him and God.

I thought about this too. But it is too painful to think he would through his whole life away for this.

Does your daughter know about this? What is her reaction?

Probably. She loves her brother and me and I’m not sure how to approach the subject without coming out as judgmental.

Much of what you wrote is exactly what is painful to me about this situation. It’s hard to believe he could possibly leave his mother and family for this lifestyle.

Everything is so raw. And I know I’m making it all about me. I hope I will be able to approach this differently after speaking to Father tonight.

Thank you for taking the time to respond.

 

[JMMJ]

I’m not sure how to approach the subject without coming out as judgmental.

I believe this is the crux of the matter. You belong to a religion that does judge actions of sexually active homosexual people. You belong to a religion that does judge all sexual acts. There is no way around this. Your son, no doubt, fears that because you belong to a religion that teaches these things you will be judging his actions in the same way. He probably wants no part of that.

What I would suggest is that you acknowledge to your son what your religion teaches and that you believe what it teaches. The very next thing you need to tell him is that you are able to compartmentalize that from your relationship with him, and that it is exactly what you intend to do. In other words, you need to let him know your religious beliefs aren’t going to impact your relationship with him. Then you need to figure out a way to make it happen. Once you do this, and you show your son you are able to love him the same regardless of his sexual orientation and sexual activity, he will know the relationship you share is secure and you won’t have these types of problems.

The mistakes many parents of grown children make is that they feel that if they don’t object to actions of the adult child, they are condoning the actions. This isn’t true, and it has the ability to ruin relationships in short order.

 

[Vanny]

Prayers for you and your son, qui_est_ce.
I have a friend in a similar situation(her son came out gay many years ago)she is a devout Christian.
His father has passed away not sure he ever knew. He knows that she disagrees with his lifestyle,
but she is always there for him and loves him.
The others have given you good advice-you are in my prayers.

 

[qui_est_ce]

It may have been a way to set up the “coming out” text and, to me, says that either you affirm his lifestyle or you lose him and more bullying in the future. Worst case scenario, he may make you choose between him and God.

Well, guess what, my pastor said the exact same thing. He compared it to people who pick fights as a way to get the other person to quit the relationship. That was very hard to swallow. He was very blunt.

He gave me some very good resources.

Today’s reading, Luke

Do you think that I have come to establish peace on the earth?
No, I tell you, but rather division.
From now on a household of five will be divided,
three against two and two against three;
a father will be divided against his son
and a son against his father,
a mother against her daughter
and a daughter against her mother,
a mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law
and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.”

 

[Rozellelily]

I’m very sorry that you are in this situation.Send you a hug .

 

[JanetF]

Thank you Janet.

No problem, how are things going now that a little time has passed?

 

[qui_est_ce]

Thanks for asking, Janet

Things have calmed down. He came for dinner Sunday and was extra extra nice. Brought over some really nice wine and some cheeses.

I’m happy we still have a relationship, I don’t approve of what he is doing, but I have no control. I put it in God’s hands.

I also am looking at all the gifts God gives us, and we turn away from Him. He allows that.

God bless.

 

[Ammi]

I cant imagine. But it’s not because of any way you raised him (most likely). At least the SS attraction. It just happens in our fallen nature.

He does need alot of encouragement to get to a point where he can receive the hope and faith to not act on his attractions.

I think many of us, even heterosexual, need to really understand how harmful sexual immorality is. It’s just hard to be strong during periods of high hormones.

 

[Norseman82]

He gave me some very good resources.

Today’s reading, Luke

That reading was exactly what came to mind, but I didn’t post it because of the pain you are going through.

I have a cousin’s daughter who is in a same-sex “situation” whose “partner” conceived three children via IVF, so even though it is not as close to home as what you are going through, I am aware of how what Jesus said plays out in real life and can empathize with what you are going through.

 

[Feanor2]

I don’t usually come over here to the family life sub-forum but saw your post Christine,

It’s not an easy time. I’ll be praying for you and your son.

My daughters are young but if one of them were to come out it would be challenging for me.