My son devestated me today

[1ke]

You and I both know that request was unreasonable. Typical of a teenager, but unreasonable.

I wasn’t really referring to what transpired today. Which I agree was unreasonable and unfortunate.

Her self-declared hovering to smooth over social interactions seems to have outlived its usefulness, and perhaps has retarded his ability to figure these things out for himself, as he will have to do as an adult.

He is certainly beginning to rebel/chafe at the hovering. And he said it made him nervous, so perhaps that really means “embarrassed”.

 

[gardenswithkids]

True, at least in a typical situation, but that inning has already been played. The question is what to do next. By no means should she dwell on the woulda, coulda, shoulda. She absolutely should not blame herself. She did the thing she thought was best at the time, and with the best of motives. She did what her son’s mom would do, and in retrospect, that’s the best thing.

So–how to be his mom today? That’s the question now. What happened to her hurt, but she can make the choices she needs to make so that it is a “clean” wound and heals up as well and as quickly as possible. She can take steps to avoid the same situation hitting her in the same way again. She and her husband can help their son understand (intellectually, at least) what the issue was and how to handle these things in the future. That’s the direction I’d suggest, anyway.

I hear you, but I’m trying to understand Domer ’ s choice, because I sense that some of her resentment is because she felt she didn’t have a choice. You wrote previously it was her “gift” to him to give him what he asked for. That was a beautiful way of looking at it! She made a choice . She honored her son’s request, even if she now regrets her choice. But it was her choice. And seeing it as her choice–and better yet her gift–may help her move beyond resentment and hurt.

 

[EasterJoy]

I wasn’t really referring to what transpired today. Which I agree was unreasonable and unfortunate.

Her self-declared hovering to smooth over social interactions seems to have outlived its usefulness, and perhaps has retarded his ability to figure these things out for himself, as he will have to do as an adult.

He is certainly beginning to rebel/chafe at the hovering. And he said it made him nervous, so perhaps that really means “embarrassed”.

Based on my experience with altar servers, I would guess what he probably meant is,
“I’m afraid I’m going to spend so much time worrying about what Mom is going to say about my performance after Mass that I’ll lose focus, mess up, and then I’ll have to go through her reassuring me to death that my screw up with a bishop was no big deal!”

Teens go through a change in what they take as “support,” especially men. Most men do not want to talk their performances to death afterwards, but their “coach” parents do not get this. What they want is, “Any landing you walk away from is a good one, son. As long as you do your best, we’re always proud of you. Let’s go get a milkshake, and we can talk about whatever you want to talk about.”

If she is the “helicopter” and her husband isn’t, I’d probably go to him and ask about what is the kind of care-appropriate-to-a-mammalian-parent the boy should have to endure, and what is hovering that she needs to just stop, even though some bad thing she could have prevented will inevitably happen as a result. The hovering causes damage, too, so it needs to be kept to a minimum.

 

[EasterJoy]

I hear you, but I’m trying to understand Domer ’ s choice, because I sense that some of her resentment is because she felt she didn’t have a choice. You wrote previously it was her “gift” to him to give him what he asked for. That was a beautiful way of looking at it! She made a choice . She honored her son’s request, even if she now regrets her choice. But it was her choice. And seeing it as her choice–and better yet her gift–may help her move beyond resentment and hurt.

Yes. When you have a bad at-bat, you have to let it go. You do want to look at broad patterns when you go to practice later, though, yes. There is a time to just do it and not sweat what just happened so much that you don’t focus on what to do now. There is also a time to step back, look for the big patterns, and decide if you want to see if some different tactics might bring you more success next time.

What you can’t do is change what you’ve already done, improve anything by beating yourself up about a past act that you’d do differently if you could do it over, or come up with a protocol that will eliminate all mistakes in the future. We agree on that–relationships don’t work like that. Band-Aids will be needed, so just figure on that.

 

[esieffe]

Hi,
I am a mild aspie myself, and I teach young adults who are about to age out of the public school system job, and life transition skills. We communicate closely with family members and I understand the frustrations they feel along with those of the kids.

I have often found it is just as hard for parents as it is for students. We also see a great deal of denial from parents and students. At times it is all so heartbreaking. Often lessons have to be learned over and over again before they start to sink in. The kids only have their experience and OUR word that what we say is how it is. With this in mind, sometimes they have to learn from their own experience. They have to learn that we know what we are talking about. This builds trust on their part, and also on yours. This is a crucial concept that I feel will be invaluable, if you let it sink in.

I can tell you are a good parent. I know that you are doing the best that you can. Sometimes it is just impossible to know when to back off and when not to. You want to spare your family, your son, and others misunderstandings and heartache. The good news is that as time progresses and puberty passes, things will settle down some.

Let me say also, that it is important for you to give yourself and your husband some down time. Easier said than done I know, but it is very important. Commit to a bubble bath, a glass of wine and ear plugs once in a while! Spa day once a month.

Finally, it is important to maintain a strong prayer life. I ask for prayers of our Holy Mother every day. She will hear you, she always does.
-E

 

[Gertabelle]

I think i had mentioned my son was chosen to hold the Bishop’s crozier at our church’s Confirmation Mass . As we were getting ready, he tells me that he is so not sure if he wants me to go, but it is OK for DH to go.

A few minutes later, when DH was out of the shower, he told me that I was hovering and would make him nervous. He no longer wanted me to go. DH tried to explain we would be sitting in the back, so there was no worry of that.

I burst into tears. Because he has Aspergers, there is a degree of hovering I have to do in order to smooth out social situations for those who do not know he has it. Otherwise, he could really come off as rude and insensitive.

I am beyond hurt but not sure what kind of therapy or discipline we should inflict.

Thank you for reading.

:console:

I’m so sorry for your disappointment and the physical trials you’re suffering these days.

Look, as a parent, we are guaranteed to have moments where we are certain we made the wrong decisions and messed up our children. Or maybe it’s just me

I teach music in a school that has two autism centers – one for students who are severely impaired, and another for students who have academic abilities somewhere in the “normal” range. And we have had a few students who are at the Asperger’s end of spectrum.

I don’t know if you have other children who have trained you in parenting non-autistic children, but I do know that simply applying the usual parenting methods to a child on the autism spectrum is not necessarily going to be effective parenting.

Some of our high-functioning autistic students will burst into screams if they feel their concerns/needs are not being believed or addressed.

You know what the concerns are with your son, you were blindsided by his request, and you had to make a quick decision. I sincerely doubt that you or your son will be permanently damaged by the events of the day, which isn’t to say there wasn’t hurt on both sides.

Take a deep breath. Ask all of your guardian angels to direct your minds and hearts and actions. Pour a couple glasses of wine and have a long talk with DH about all this. And then just keep plugging away.

God created your family. Have faith and courage that all these moments allow each of you to grow in holiness.

And God bless you!

 

[jane_doe]

I think i had mentioned my son was chosen to hold the Bishop’s crozier at our church’s Confirmation Mass . As we were getting ready, he tells me that he is so not sure if he wants me to go, but it is OK for DH to go.

A few minutes later, when DH was out of the shower, he told me that I was hovering and would make him nervous. He no longer wanted me to go. DH tried to explain we would be sitting in the back, so there was no worry of that.

I burst into tears. Because he has Aspergers, there is a degree of hovering I have to do in order to smooth out social situations for those who do not know he has it. Otherwise, he could really come off as rude and insensitive.

I am beyond hurt but not sure what kind of therapy or discipline we should inflict.

Thank you for reading.

I have Aspeger’s.

Your son needs his space, and your were good to give it to him. He’s a middle-schooler (right?) and that’s an important age for finding his own wings. Let him fly, even if he does crash sometime-- remember, he can then ask for your help at any time and he knows that.

Also, part of him learning to fly is him learning how to handle things when he upsets people (even unknowingly Asperger’s style). You also need to give him his space in this regard to: let him learn to deal with it, and again he can ask you for help is needed.

(I’m also a mom now, so I know how brutally hard it is to “give them space” at points, especially when you see things going badly. It’s hard, but it needs done.)

 

[pianistclare]

I wasn’t really referring to what transpired today. Which I agree was unreasonable and unfortunate.

Her self-declared hovering to smooth over social interactions seems to have outlived its usefulness, and perhaps has retarded his ability to figure these things out for himself, as he will have to do as an adult.

He is certainly beginning to rebel/chafe at the hovering. And he said it made him nervous, so perhaps that really means “embarrassed”.

Agree. When he was first selected the OP made a thread expressing extreme pride and excitement. Which was understandable and great.
But, I think the whole event may have meant far more to mom than it did to son, and it took on a life of its own. There was no need to be devastated by his request. She could have gone and been far from the action, simple being at the Mass. Sounds like he was anticipated being embarrassed by the hovering. That’s a clue. He’s growing up. It’s good thing, IMHO. I suspect he just wants to be treated like everyone else.

 

[1990Domer]

I wasn’t really referring to what transpired today. Which I agree was unreasonable and unfortunate.

Her self-declared hovering to smooth over social interactions seems to have outlived its usefulness, and perhaps has retarded his ability to figure these things out for himself, as he will have to do as an adult.

He is certainly beginning to rebel/chafe at the hovering. And he said it made him nervous, so perhaps that really means “embarrassed”.

Ike, with all due respect, my son has no friends. He’s blunt to the point where, if people did not advocate for him, he would come off as an *******, simply because he answers questions literally. My DH, before I dated him at work at age 22, was also considered an ******* because of his lack of social skills. My co-workers were asking me why I would date an *******. Both DH and I, I may add, are hovering. It’s just that I am the stay-at-home mom. So, I am in more of these situations with him.

I also want to say that my husband and sun have made great progress. The line goes up to my MIL, who also had my FIL cover over her rude mouth. So I am now living the third generation of it.

 

[1990Domer]

Agree. When he was first selected the OP made a thread expressing extreme pride and excitement. Which was understandable and great.
But, I think the whole event may have meant far more to mom than it did to son, and it took on a life of its own. There was no need to be devastated by his request. She could have gone and been far from the action, simple being at the Mass. Sounds like he was anticipated being embarrassed by the hovering. That’s a clue. He’s growing up. It’s good thing, IMHO. I suspect he just wants to be treated like everyone else.

Sadly, he does, but he isn’t. He has zero friends and has had 2 death threats in brick and morar school. I would love for him to fit in. But a kid who was talking suicide and self-injuring himself because his classmates were so mean does not bode well on wanting to protect him from himself.

 

[1990Domer]

If I can add one last thing, he made the choice to be alter boy. He made the choice the attend mass by +Burke on Divine Mercy Sunday. I seem to be taking the grief here when it’s OK for my husband to give him OK ques when he is serving but I small and subtle head nod makes his think I am hovering. He just told me hovering was him not wanting me to be in his communion line.

I’m sorry, but there is far more history than I can write.

Please forgive me.

Sandy

 

[Burt_Macklin]

Ike, with all due respect, my son has no friends. He’s blunt to the point where, if people did not advocate for him, he would come off as an *******, simply because he answers questions literally. My DH, before I dated him at work at age 22, was also considered an ******* because of his lack of social skills. My co-workers were asking me why I would date an *******. Both DH and I, I may add, are hovering. It’s just that I am the stay-at-home mom. So, I am in more of these situations with him.

I also want to say that my husband and sun have made great progress. The line goes up to my MIL, who also had my FIL cover over her rude mouth. So I am now living the third generation of it.

If you protect him from the consequences of his speech he will never learn. It’s better if he learns while he’s still at home how to talk to people rather than when he moves away to school or work. And, yes, people with Asperger’s can learn social interaction skills. I agree with 1ke that it’s time to cut the apron strings.

 

[Crusaderbear]

To OP - I think your first post would be taken much better if you had only chosen another word than ‘inflict’. I’ll pray you can all come to terms and an equitable solution to a very difficult situation.

 

[estesbob]

I know very little about Aspergers. But I know a lot about being a parent having survived raising four daughters . My children were never allowed to tell me where I could and could not go .Period.

 

[1990Domer]

I know very little about Aspergers. But I know a lot about being a parent having survived raising four daughters . My children were never allowed to tell me where I could and could not go .Period.

I need to defend myself. I follow his psychotherapist’s recommendations to a T. I let him “spread his wings” 3 brick and mortar schools to end up with a kid who was suicidal and self-injuring himself. He had and has 0 friends. He talks grades over his head. His teachers were cruel to him for “inciting” the kids.

So, as I to put him back in a situation where he is misunderstood and the teachers accused him of being a trouble maker for his disability?

I was sad because I gave up an important hypnosis appointment to deal with my back pain (I will be getting surgery).

I honestly don’t know what to do here. I feel I cannot win. DH is not helpful because he is Aspie too. He supported my decision because his mom forced him to do things He didn’t like, so he thought my son’s request was not big deal. Well, for a kid discerning the priesthood, I sadly think he will never make it.

My son’s excuse for not wanting me to go…he didn’t want me to be in his communion line. That was the hovering.

Honestly, I feel the Evil One attacking me just as DH’s family did when I defended him. I told son he had the chance to go to brick and mortar school to spread his wings, and he doesn’t want to get bullied. So, what am I do to? We already pay throug the nose for a private tutor to work with him during cyber school so he uses his social skills. He feels he’ll get beat up at school at public school, Catholic school was a failure.

I can’t go on like this. I really need to distance myself from the Church, as their school made my life a living Hades.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Perhaps this is a stupid question, and if so, forgive me. Is there a reason that you couldn’t have compromised on your going, but not being in his Communion line? I understand that was very important to you, but if it would have made him nervous, could you have gone to another line?

 

[heidi_storage]

Domer, was anyone suggesting that you send your kid to a brick-and-mortar school? I haven’t seen such a suggestion on this thread. Most replies have been kind, helpful, and not at all implying that you are a bad mom or that you need to “defend yourself.” Your post was framed in such a way that it seemed to be a request for advice, and that is what most people have given.

It must be incredibly hard to strike the right balance between giving your son space to mess up on his own–which he needs–and giving him nurturing support–which he also needs. I think you are very vulnerable and need support yourself, and I do think this is coloring your “reading” of the thread. I hope you have received some good from it.

 

[Xantippe]

Perhaps this is a stupid question, and if so, forgive me. Is there a reason that you couldn’t have compromised on your going, but not being in his Communion line? I understand that was very important to you, but if it would have made him nervous, could you have gone to another line?

I was thinking the same thing.

Of course, that’s not the sort of solution that occurs to one in the heat of the moment, rushing off to the event.

But going forward, it’s not a bad solution.

 

[estesbob]

I need to defend myself. I follow his psychotherapist’s recommendations to a T. I let him “spread his wings” 3 brick and mortar schools to end up with a kid who was suicidal and self-injuring himself. He had and has 0 friends. He talks grades over his head. His teachers were cruel to him for “inciting” the kids.

So, as I to put him back in a situation where he is misunderstood and the teachers accused him of being a trouble maker for his disability?

I was sad because I gave up an important hypnosis appointment to deal with my back pain (I will be getting surgery).

I honestly don’t know what to do here. I feel I cannot win. DH is not helpful because he is Aspie too. He supported my decision because his mom forced him to do things He didn’t like, so he thought my son’s request was not big deal. Well, for a kid discerning the priesthood, I sadly think he will never make it.

My son’s excuse for not wanting me to go…he didn’t want me to be in his communion line. That was the hovering.

Honestly, I feel the Evil One attacking me just as DH’s family did when I defended him. I told son he had the chance to go to brick and mortar school to spread his wings, and he doesn’t want to get bullied. So, what am I do to? We already pay throug the nose for a private tutor to work with him during cyber school so he uses his social skills. He feels he’ll get beat up at school at public school, Catholic school was a failure.

I can’t go on like this. I really need to distance myself from the Church, as their school made my life a living Hades.

Oh my! I wasn’t attacking you. By all means you should go by what the mental health professional tell you. Its been a bad enough year anyway with the way The Irish football and Basketball seasons ended for Irish fans to start attacking each other!

 

[Lou2U]

Perhaps this is a stupid question, and if so, forgive me. Is there a reason that you couldn’t have compromised on your going, but not being in his Communion line? I understand that was very important to you, but if it would have made him nervous, could you have gone to another line?

I think this is a good compromise to make. Can you suggest it to your son as a plan going forward, so you both know what will happen if this situation comes up again?

Lou