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1990Domer
Guest
Yes, 1-2 times a week by a private therapist. Previous group sessions didn’t work because the kids on the spectrum were way too different. It was at the last SS training we sent him that he got physically abused by a kid that was in his private special Ed school who gave him a death threat.
In our district, they are in so lack of money that they are combining mixed diagnosis in the classroom–ODD, bipolar, ADHD, all ranges of autism.
Granted, he may be mouthing off now, but he would not harm a fly. He would more likely be the one harmed, as in the past.
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alphawoman
Guest
I’m not on the spectrum but do, despite having a strongly extroverted personality, get “stage fright” around my nearest and dearest. At your son’s age, I never wanted my parents to attend my sports competitions or public presentations because the fear of failure in front of them. Lest anyone think my parents are aggressive, 99%-isnt-enough tiger parents, they aren’t. It was simply immaturity and a need to build autonomous confidence. That stage passed, and I will now happily make a fool of myself in front of any audience! 
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underacloud
Guest
I feel it should be noted that there is a certain irony in the problem here. 1990Domer you feel the need to hover (which I understand) because your son is likely to do or say things that are socially inappropriate and likely to offend. But now you yourself are deeply offended by something he has said to you (ironically, about your hovering). Can you not put back on your hovering hat and try to see things from his perspective here?
As others have noted, all children - ASD or not - will eventually pull away from parents and try to assert their independence. This is natural and healthy. It’s perhaps harder for ASD children, but in a world that will be quick to take offense at their social inappropriateness, their parents need to resist the temptation to take offense as much as possible. I know this is hard, but it is part of the challenge of parenting ASD children (or, no doubt, being married to one too).
And bear in mind that his willingness to seek this independence says a lot about what you have done for him. As hard as it is, you should take some pride in this moment.
As others have noted, all children - ASD or not - will eventually pull away from parents and try to assert their independence. This is natural and healthy. It’s perhaps harder for ASD children, but in a world that will be quick to take offense at their social inappropriateness, their parents need to resist the temptation to take offense as much as possible. I know this is hard, but it is part of the challenge of parenting ASD children (or, no doubt, being married to one too).
And bear in mind that his willingness to seek this independence says a lot about what you have done for him. As hard as it is, you should take some pride in this moment.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes!
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1990Domer
Guest
I do take pride. It think where I am confused is that he can be so clingy 99% of the time and then, as we make family plans to attend this event, like an hour before we go, he tells me he doesn’t want to go. Yet, nearly every school day (he is now cyber schooled) he blames me for putting him in a Catholic school where I advocated for him (more me and his therapist) and guilt trips me because the school lied to me and my husband about what they could provide for him. $10,000 in therapy sessions and I cannot enjoy his serving Mass when my DH and I begged him that we would be in the back and not hovering?
This has been going on for over a year. I am worn out with his complaints. His therapist cannot get through to him. There isn’t enough time in the week for her to work with him, and we are not millionaires to help with that much therapy. Plus, my husband cannot take the time off to join me in sessions.
I really am at the end of my rope.
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1990Domer
Guest
Sadly, and no.
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Xantippe
Guest
The daily broken record routine about his old school must be TERRIBLE. No wonder you’re at the end of your rope.
Here’s a thought–every time he starts pulling, do one of the following:
–“Yes, and isn’t it wonderful that you’re doing cyberschool now!”
or
“Sweetie, I think you’re procrastinating. That’s not acceptable. Get to work on your math! I’ll check in with you in 20 minutes.”
He’s not the only one who owns a broken record…
I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he’s doing this first thing in the morning rather than, for instance, right before leaving for some activity that he enjoys.
Some thoughts:
–not super impressed with this therapist
–it’s possible he may need medication of some kind
–Do you have a autism center in your area to consult with?
–How about going to an autism support group? There must be at least several parents who have similar issues.
–Does your area have any library programs for teenagers? Ours has board games and retro video games.
–as a lot of kids save their worst behavior for mom, being around you all the time means that he is on his worst behavior more than he would be if he were with other adults. That’s totally unfair but true.
I know that our local autism group hosts dinners out for autistic teenagers to get them some appropriate social time. They also do a monthly potluck and then a meeting with childcare.
Good luck!
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Gertabelle
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Xantippe
Guest
Here’s another item to throw into your reaction mix: plain old distraction (chosen with an eye to his interest). You can’t do this every single time or he’ll catch on, but he may not if it’s just 25% of the time.
–Hey, have you seen the cat video with the kitty being followed by baby ducks? So cute!
–Hey, did I tell you? We’re going to [Fun Place] this weekend!
Also, tell him that if he has something important to talk about at length, it needs to happen at a mutually convenient time. For instance–with the therapist. Once a week. It would be nice to get if to shut off the “Mom is terrible!!!” record, but confining it to once a week would be a big improvement.
–Hey, have you seen the cat video with the kitty being followed by baby ducks? So cute!
–Hey, did I tell you? We’re going to [Fun Place] this weekend!
Also, tell him that if he has something important to talk about at length, it needs to happen at a mutually convenient time. For instance–with the therapist. Once a week. It would be nice to get if to shut off the “Mom is terrible!!!” record, but confining it to once a week would be a big improvement.
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Xantippe
Guest
Thank you!
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1990Domer
Guest
I asked my son if he knew what “hovering” was, and he said no. He said he wanted someone/anyone to talk to have his back. I told him right now it is mom and dad, as his aunts and uncles have no personal interest in his life and he has no siblings.
I took him to a school outing and he spent all the time at this jump-a-thon by himself. Jumping by himself. He didn’t know how to go up to classmates and start a conversation. I stayed away. I watched with a heavy heart (and yes, it was school rules I had to stay). He was paired with 2 other kids to complete a class assignment. It never got turned in because those kids bolted when the event ended. About half the time the event was going on, he sat with me out of loneliness.
So, I am not sure what I am going to do for next year. So he has and has not come a long way. This is depressing.
I took him to a school outing and he spent all the time at this jump-a-thon by himself. Jumping by himself. He didn’t know how to go up to classmates and start a conversation. I stayed away. I watched with a heavy heart (and yes, it was school rules I had to stay). He was paired with 2 other kids to complete a class assignment. It never got turned in because those kids bolted when the event ended. About half the time the event was going on, he sat with me out of loneliness.
So, I am not sure what I am going to do for next year. So he has and has not come a long way. This is depressing.
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1990Domer
Guest
X,
He’s on medication. Sadly, the broken record plays throughout the day to whoever listens. I just told his tutor what he needs to shut down the continuous playing of the things that happened. He’ll pull instances dating back from third grade. And yep, we do tell him they are the past and you are now in cyber school. The therapist keeps telling him that progress is sometimes slow. Trust me, other therapists have been far worse and insulting.
There are no group, potlucks, board games at library–all funding for this has been cut. I have tried support groups, but it ends up being a huge finger pointing match because “your kid is more advanced. Why are you complaining?” This is why I am in therapy. Sports dominate the area. Special Ed has been cut to the bare bone.
I live in somewhat rural Mennonite area where elder services are the only ones. Or, there are services for seriously developmentally challenged older adults. My son does not qualify for the latter.
I am in a big rut. Trying to get out but don’t know how.
He’s on medication. Sadly, the broken record plays throughout the day to whoever listens. I just told his tutor what he needs to shut down the continuous playing of the things that happened. He’ll pull instances dating back from third grade. And yep, we do tell him they are the past and you are now in cyber school. The therapist keeps telling him that progress is sometimes slow. Trust me, other therapists have been far worse and insulting.
There are no group, potlucks, board games at library–all funding for this has been cut. I have tried support groups, but it ends up being a huge finger pointing match because “your kid is more advanced. Why are you complaining?” This is why I am in therapy. Sports dominate the area. Special Ed has been cut to the bare bone.
I live in somewhat rural Mennonite area where elder services are the only ones. Or, there are services for seriously developmentally challenged older adults. My son does not qualify for the latter.
I am in a big rut. Trying to get out but don’t know how.
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1990Domer
Guest
I agree…sadly, it is easier said than done. He talks a lot. It doesn’t help that I am in severe pain preparing for back surgery. My docs are getting on me for not taking time for myself. And sadly, I cannot drive with the meds I am on. I already got picked up for a DUI because I drove on a pain med taking lunch to DHs school almost 2 years ago because they have no cafeteria. So, this whole disgnosis has really taken a toll.
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Xantippe
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Bummer!
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Xantippe
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Awful!
I’ve only been once or twice to our local autism support meeting (mostly because I wanted to do something for a friend with a very autistic child), but it had a different vibe than what you describe, probably because it’s intended both for parents and for professionals in the field, so they have presentations by professionals and there’s a lot of focus on connecting parents with services rather than unfocused bellyaching. I can see how that could go badly…
We have a local college with an autism center that does a lot of social skills groups, a yearly summer camp, and other services. They also have a very active research program.
Is there a good suburban district you could get into? I know from “listening” online to autism parents in Northeastern states that that is basically the formula. That would probably require a significant home downsizing, unfortunately, but hopefully not forever…(A big possible negative is that your son’s new broken record would be the move.)
It also occurs to me that going forward, you may want your son to be able to have the option of living at home when he’s in college, so that would also drive my choice of area. We have that option in our area, and it’s given us a lot of peace of mind. My daughter is already determined to go to Local U–it’s a done deal. (I’m going to be crossing my fingers for the next four years.)
In the short-term, I’d make sure he has a very busy camp and class schedule this summer. That’s what I’ve been doing with my daughter for years, after a major social regression between kindergarten and 1st grade. We have a week here and there with nothing scheduled, but we do a LOT of stuff in the summer. It helps a lot socially to have an obvious topic at hand to talk to the other kids with. Also, he may do better keeping himself together for short periods of time. Plus, if he blows it, no biggie–he won’t have to deal with the kids for the whole school year.
Best wishes!
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1990Domer
Guest
X,
When my hub got laid off 2 years ago, my son was terrified of moving. He LOVES our house, our yard and feels safe in it.
I’m not sure we can downsize more from a 2000 sq ft house. Our district used to be great until the economy took a downturn. We live on the pharma beltway, so to say. As they have been suffering, so has the area. We would most likely have to move out of state, which would not happen. It would raise his anxiety to unbearable levels. Plus, not sure if DH could get another job either.
Plus, there is no guarantee that a new district would cut services.
Please just pray for me. Really, we have been over all the options. Thank you and God bless.
When my hub got laid off 2 years ago, my son was terrified of moving. He LOVES our house, our yard and feels safe in it.
I’m not sure we can downsize more from a 2000 sq ft house. Our district used to be great until the economy took a downturn. We live on the pharma beltway, so to say. As they have been suffering, so has the area. We would most likely have to move out of state, which would not happen. It would raise his anxiety to unbearable levels. Plus, not sure if DH could get another job either.
Plus, there is no guarantee that a new district would cut services.
Please just pray for me. Really, we have been over all the options. Thank you and God bless.
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HouseArrest
Guest
Domer,
I read the whole thread. This is just heartbreaking.
I think everyone has already given great advice.
I just wanted to say, “hang in there.” Don’t beat yourself up over plans that didn’t go as expected or ideas that didn’t pan out. Just keep at it. Your day in the sun might be just around the corner.
I don’t know if this is a cop out on my part or what. Sometimes I plan and execute and do not see the results I expected (especially when it concerns one of my kids.) I trained myself to not resort to despair. I tell myself that with all the praying I do along with the planning, my idea must not have been the best. I know your ideas seem like the best to you, and you think there is no other way for your son to survive, but God is on your side. Trust that the best is happening and that it is all part of a much bigger picture.
I am not talking about small, insignificant situations, either. It’s not that I have a daughter that didn’t get a part in a play or a son that didn’t start in soccer. These have been situations that could have resulted in death.
So do your best and let it go. “Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.” - Saint Augustine
I read the whole thread. This is just heartbreaking.
I think everyone has already given great advice.
I just wanted to say, “hang in there.” Don’t beat yourself up over plans that didn’t go as expected or ideas that didn’t pan out. Just keep at it. Your day in the sun might be just around the corner.
I don’t know if this is a cop out on my part or what. Sometimes I plan and execute and do not see the results I expected (especially when it concerns one of my kids.) I trained myself to not resort to despair. I tell myself that with all the praying I do along with the planning, my idea must not have been the best. I know your ideas seem like the best to you, and you think there is no other way for your son to survive, but God is on your side. Trust that the best is happening and that it is all part of a much bigger picture.
I am not talking about small, insignificant situations, either. It’s not that I have a daughter that didn’t get a part in a play or a son that didn’t start in soccer. These have been situations that could have resulted in death.
So do your best and let it go. “Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you.” - Saint Augustine
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heidi_storage
Guest
Off topic, but it has occurred to me for quite some time that “neurotypical” kids and their parents are going to have to do better at interacting with children who have ASD, Down syndrome, or other developmental issues. There are supposed to be 1 in 68 kids with some degree of autism, yes? And, thankfully, children with Down syndrome or other genetic anomalies are no longer pushed out of the way and institutionalized, meaning that a significant number of children are dealing with some kind of special need.
This is our present and our future. Kids are going to have to learn how to befriend children who have an intellectual disability. They’re going to need to get along with them in school and at work, and parents are going to have to help their children develop the skills and empathy needed to truly integrate “different” people into the community.
Children can be jerks sometime, but on the whole, I think they’re up for the challenge. I hope we parents are, too.
This is our present and our future. Kids are going to have to learn how to befriend children who have an intellectual disability. They’re going to need to get along with them in school and at work, and parents are going to have to help their children develop the skills and empathy needed to truly integrate “different” people into the community.
Children can be jerks sometime, but on the whole, I think they’re up for the challenge. I hope we parents are, too.
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