My son, husband, and football....I need some advice, please

[samcarter14]

While I am all for your son leaving football if that is his intention… I just want to say a word to the Moms here.

Stop applying women’s rules to a guy thing. The coach doing all that taunting is a guy thing. Using certain words may not be correct but it’s a guy thing. This is a teenage boy who is going to be junior in high school. He’s not a baby who needs to be shielded from this kind of thing by Mommy. Unless Dad is jumping in and saying, “Enough!” then it’s probably not too much.

The guy taunting stuff alone is not reason enough for the son to leave football IMO. That could be considered quitting (in they guy world.) But leaving football in order to pursue some (reasonable) other thing that is more meaningful to the son is a part of life. Trying out for baseball is certainly reasonable.

My husband is a guy, and I asked him what he would tell our son if the same situation applied. He said, “I’d tell him that he doesn’t need to put up with being treated like that. NOBODY deserves to be taunted or put down. There’s a way to motivate people without making them feel like ****.”

As the mother of three boys, I grow tired of hearing people say, “Oh, such-and-such is a guy thing” when it’s a negative thing. No, the kid is not a baby, but coaches–especially when they are also teachers at the school—do not need to be putting down their players verbally or punishing them unequally. Using nasty language and put downs isn’t a “guy” thing, it’s a “stupid human thing”, IMO.

 

[whatevergirl]

ag*ree with you sam.
and the end result is my son…leaving the team. A good player, who was loyal, and listened to the coach–leaving the team. Pretty soon, all that will be left will be the bad players…who don’t listen, and disrespect the coach.

In some ways, I feel bad for the coach. He might not see it. But, my son said FIFTY PERCENT of the team from last year (a lot of his friends) are not going out for the team this year…so what does this say? They all said the same thing…‘we realized we had to work, but the coach makes it no fun at all.’

It’s not the marines. Thanks for posting that sam…I have been mulling this over all day! My nephew who graduated highschool about 10 years ago, said the same thing when he played football in Florida…how the coaches beat you up verbally. I don’t get that!!! I really don’t–how does this motivate a kid???*

:crying:

 

[SophieG]

He said…and I quote…‘everyone on there probably thinks I’m a baby.’

You can tell him from me that I (as one of his peers) think that discussing major life decisions with your parents is a smart thing to do. A baby just says, “I WANT!” Your son is not a baby. From what you’ve said about him, he’s quite mature.

 

[The_Catechumen]

Some kids find motivation in a stern tutor. I’m one of these. My dad was that way when I was growing up (he’s lightened up a lot in his old age) and I learned to just roll with the punches. It develops a personal intolerance for error and can hone skills at a prodigious rate. But the drawback, as you all have keenly observed, is that it germinates resentment and non-participation from those who don’t thrive in that environment. And obviously, not everyone is built that way.

As a leader, I haven’t followed the example of my dad. I find praise and kind words far more helpful in developing peers and subordinates. An effective leader can point out and correct error without resorting to put-downs and swearing. The stern tutor method should be reserved for a select few who are capable of excelling in tasks at hand and withstanding emotional pressure – and it should be done away from those ‘merely average’ participants.

I quit football my junior year of high school to concentrate on other things, namely wrestling. I got very similar treatment that your son is likely to face; called the p-word by the coach and the other football players, and so on. But for me, it was a galvanizing experience. It wasn’t long before I not only sloughed off the vitriol of those miserable cretins, but also excelled in what I had decided to concentrate my efforts upon. When football season was over and wrestling season began, I was ten times better than the three-letter (football, wrestling/basketball, baseball/track) athletes that stepped up to me. I was vindicated when I was the only guy going to the state championship and everyone else had their season end a little early.

I guess this was a really roundabout way of saying that re-prioritizing one’s life can be a good thing. Here’s to your son finding joyful purpose away from the 50-yard line!

 

[whatevergirl]

You can tell him from me that I (as one of his peers) think that discussing major life decisions with your parents is a smart thing to do. A baby just says, “I WANT!” Your son is not a baby. From what you’ve said about him, he’s quite mature.

Thank you, that is so kind of you to say.

 

[whatevergirl]

Some kids find motivation in a stern tutor. I’m one of these. My dad was that way when I was growing up (he’s lightened up a lot in his old age) and I learned to just roll with the punches. It develops a personal intolerance for error and can hone skills at a prodigious rate. But the drawback, as you all have keenly observed, is that it germinates resentment and non-participation from those who don’t thrive in that environment. And obviously, not everyone is built that way.

As a leader, I haven’t followed the example of my dad. I find praise and kind words far more helpful in developing peers and subordinates. An effective leader can point out and correct error without resorting to put-downs and swearing. The stern tutor method should be reserved for a select few who are capable of excelling in tasks at hand and withstanding emotional pressure – and it should be done away from those ‘merely average’ participants.

I quit football my junior year of high school to concentrate on other things, namely wrestling. I got very similar treatment that your son is likely to face; called the p-word by the coach and the other football players, and so on. But for me, it was a galvanizing experience. It wasn’t long before I not only sloughed off the vitriol of those miserable cretins, but also excelled in what I had decided to concentrate my efforts upon. When football season was over and wrestling season began, I was ten times better than the three-letter (football, wrestling/basketball, baseball/track) athletes that stepped up to me. I was vindicated when I was the only guy going to the state championship and everyone else had their season end a little early.

I guess this was a really roundabout way of saying that re-prioritizing one’s life can be a good thing. Here’s to your son finding joyful purpose away from the 50-yard line!

*That’s interesting that intimidation, etc worked with you…I wonder why that doesn’t work with my son. But, you said your dad was somewhat like that, same with my husband…his dad was very strict…only accentuated the negative in what the kids did…and thus, the coach was an extension of his dad.

I think a balance needs to be found between the two. Frankly, my hat is off to anybody who can coach a bunch of 16 and 17 yr old boys! But, there needs to be a balance between sterness, and kindness…and positive and negative criticism. Thank you for your reply…I really appreciate what you’re saying here.

My son wants to join a club…he is excited now that this weight is off of him.

Ok, so I emailed the coach. My husband was supposed to call him. My dh asked me to do it, and then he will follow up with a phone call. *

 

[Jay82]

ag*ree with you sam.
and the end result is my son…leaving the team. A good player, who was loyal, and listened to the coach–leaving the team. Pretty soon, all that will be left will be the bad players…who don’t listen, and disrespect the coach.

In some ways, I feel bad for the coach. He might not see it. But, my son said FIFTY PERCENT of the team from last year (a lot of his friends) are not going out for the team this year…so what does this say? They all said the same thing…‘we realized we had to work, but the coach makes it no fun at all.’

It’s not the marines. Thanks for posting that sam…I have been mulling this over all day! My nephew who graduated highschool about 10 years ago, said the same thing when he played football in Florida…how the coaches beat you up verbally. I don’t get that!!! I really don’t–how does this motivate a kid???*

:crying:

That is good that some of his friends are leaving the as well. This way he will have them around to spend time with and it will make the transition to other clubs and activities a lot easier. It is always tough to be only one of your friends not playing a sport or taking part in a club, etc. I am sure things will work out well for him.

I agree that he has some interesting points! I enjoyed watching his lecture last year. I just wanted to warn WG (and anyone else) that if they plan to purchase/read this book, they won’t hear anything about God. And to me, that kind of defeats the purpose of a motivational book. What greater motivation can you get than to love and be loved by God Himself? I don’t avoid anything that doesn’t mention God, but when it’s a *motivational/inspirational *type thing, I don’t care for the atheistic types.

Yes, that is true. I see what you mean. I considered providing a ‘disclaimer’ on my original post about the lecture that you would not hear any mention of God in it, but decided against it.

 

[SmartyPants]

*(((jrabs))) If you were here, I’d hug you for real…your post really hits home, as well as the others–thank you to everyone.

Well, my son said last night, he wants to do baseball–but his ‘fear’ is that the football coach and the baseball coach are ‘friends,’ and that everytime he goes to baseball practice, he might run into the football coach. I said, is this man going to run your life for the next two years? Honestly. Why is he so fearful of this man?

(I have heard that he namecalls the kids if they abandon the team…his friends who have quit the team, have shared with him…the ‘p’ word has been used–I was shocked. I said he is a teacher, he has no right to call the boys that!) Maybe he needs to reflect on his coaching methods, if many boys (good players, actually) are quitting the team.

Anyways…I am going to talk to my son tonight…and tell him, if he wants to try out for baseball to go ahead, but to know that there are a lot of kids ahead of him, who played for years. I agree, I don’t believe 6 years is quitting. I don’t think my husband views it that way, he just told our son to be prepared for the coach to call him that.

I will write back to you all later–you have given me great feedback, and MUCH to digest. Thank you! *

The coach doesn’t sound like much of a Christian to me. In fact, he sounds like a bully masquerading as a Christian! I don’t think I would want my kid being influenced by this individual.

 

[jman507]

That’s interesting that intimidation, etc worked with you…I wonder why that doesn’t work with my son. But, you said your dad was somewhat like that, same with my husband…his dad was very strict…only accentuated the negative in what the kids did…and thus, the coach was an extension of his dad.

I think a balance needs to be found between the two. Frankly, my hat is off to anybody who can coach a bunch of 16 and 17 yr old boys! But, there needs to be a balance between sterness, and kindness…and positive and negative criticism. Thank you for your reply…I really appreciate what you’re saying here.

*My son wants to join a club…he is excited now that this weight is off of him. *

*Ok, so I emailed the coach. My husband was supposed to call him. My dh asked me to do it, and then he will follow up with a phone call. *

The thing is intimiation will work with some, some it won’t. Taking a hands off approach will work with some, won’t work with others. Critical words might work with one, and reassurance with another. That’s coaching. To be a good coach you need to figure out how to motivate an individual to what will work for him or her. I sure you could find a balance where the strenness and kindness both backfire, or where they both resonate to something great.