My son is being bullied in Kindergarten

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Serap

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My son is 4.5 and he’s being bullied by a kid almost 2 years older than him. My son is very tall for his age…the same height as this bully, but my son’s mind is 2 years younger. In Canada, kids can begin Jr. Kindergarten if they are born in December. The bully is born in February, so there is one year and 10 months between them.

It started out with the bully telling my son that he does not like him and that my son is a baby. Then it progressed to blowing in my son’s face and telling my son he has boogers in his nose.

Then last week (after school pick-up) my son was kicking a ball with his friend and I was helping my daughter on the monkey bars. I then heard my son crying, so I went to him and he told me that the bully pushed him over. The bully told me that my son was hitting him. Two parents watching told me the bully was lying and that the push was unprovoked. The bully was after my son’s ball. Then I turned my back to speak more with the parents and my son was crying again. I looked and the bully was kicking gravel into my son’s face. I told him to stop and he did it again, so I yelled, “STOP IT!!!” and the little bully went crying to his daddy.

I told my son’s teacher the next day to let her know that the situation has become physical. She was shocked and had no idea there was a problem. She said she would look out for my son until school is finished.

I also told the after school daycare b/c the bully and my son are in after school care together as well. They confirmed that the bully has been teasing my son all year as well. They issue consequences to the bully, but his parents don’t seem to care much.

The bully’s parents seem nice, but permissive. It’s not that they don’t care…they just don’t know how to deal with it.

The daycare told me to talk to my son and tell him to walk away when the bully is teasing him and to tell a teacher. I’ve done this, but I told the director of the daycare that one day my son may lose it and hit this bully. The daycare told me that they understand the situation and would handle it with care.

The school has told me that the bully leaves my son alone during school hours.

I’m tempted to tell my son to hit him back if he’s ever hit by him again. My son is very strong and tall for his age, but he’s not violent with other kids. He sometimes gets rough during play, but he never hits other kids in anger.

I feel so terrible about this situation. The bully’s parents are now avoiding me and avoiding eye contact. They are such pansies!!! They should approach me and try to deal with this in a mature manner instead of hoping it will just go away.

Luckily, my son will be in Sr. Kindergarten next year and the bully will be in Grade 1, so they won’t be together next year. In addition this kid is leaving the daycare mid-July, so my son will be able to enjoy the rest of the summer after July 15.
 
In addition, the bully pinched my son last week and left a read mark on my son’s arm. A daycare teacher saw it and told me it was unprovoked and my son did not retaliate.
 
Oh, Serap. That must be so tough for your son. 😦

I don’t much in the way of advice, but I’d figure out (and get a copy of, if possible) the policies at the school and the daycare for handling these sorts of situations. They’re common enough that they should exist (even playgroups my kids have been in have had them). I’d also document any incidents, as well as the conversations you have with your son’s teachers about them. If nothing else, you’ll have evidence when someone sits down with these parents to tell them that their son’s behavior is unacceptable.

I’d also ask the school and daycare to find a way to keep the boys separate if the consequences they are imposing on the bully are not working. They are under an obligation to keep your child safe, and they’re failing in that. You may have to put a little bit of pressure on the school and daycare, but they shouldn’t be able to put it all on the parents and say, “Well, there’s nothing we can do since Ma and Pa Smith won’t handle little Johnny.” I’m not saying this is the route they should go (certainly not without a lot else first), but they DO have a say about who can come to their facility or not. The daycare probably has more freedom, but it’s not at all like either the school or daycare is powerless in this situation.
 
This kid is in your son’s class and he is almost 2 years older? Was he held back?

I agree, separation is the answer.
 
HouseArrest said:
This kid is in your son’s class and he is almost 2 years older? Was he held back?

I agree, separation is the answer.
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In Canada, there is “junior kindergarten” for four year olds and “senior kindergarten” for five year olds. The classes are often mixed. Your grade is determined by calendar year. So if the older child was born in February and is in senior kindergarten, and Serap’s son was born in December, they’re almost 2 years apart and yes, in the same classroom.

When I lived in Canada split grade classrooms were common, and they tended to put the less mature older kids with the more mature younger ones. I’ve heard of this in some places in the US as well, but what Serap says matches with my experiences living there when I was younger, at least as far as how the classrooms can be set up.
 
You need to call up the offending child’s parents and describe everything you have said here. Tell them that you simply won’t tolerate another day of this, and that they need to do whatever it takes to get their son under control.

Be kind. Be firm. Don’t say things that are accusatory, (“You’re too permissive.” “He’s a bully.” “Why haven’t you taken care of this already?”) Just state the facts. “My son told me that he was pushed by your child on two occasions. He was pinched last week. I’ve observed XYZ behaviors on the playground.” Be compassionate with them, this is a hard call to take. But be clear that you find it unacceptable and need a change now.

Dealing with this parent to parent is going to be the most effective way to get this child off your son’s back.

In the meantime, use this as an (unpleasant) opportunity to teach your son how to deal with unpleasant people. Telling him to “hit back” is hard at his age because, while hitting back is not always wrong, there are nuances to retaliation/self defense that are hard for a 4-year-old to grasp. For example, does he “hit back” when the child nudges him while standing on line for lunch? Does he hit back when called a nerd or a baby? How hard does he hit back? Where? How is he to handle the consequences if the bully hits him again? Or the teacher sends him to the office? It’s a lot to put on a very small child. Here in the US, most kids are closer to 6 when they start kindergarten. 4 is so very young!
 
Thanks so much!

Yes, in Canada JK is age 4 and SK is age 5 and they put them together. So yes, a JK can be almost 2 years younger than an SK.

My son is very tall for his age, so he is the same height as the bully, but my son is just a pre-schooler who doesn’t understand what’s happening to him yet. All he knows is he doesn’t like it.

I’ve asked the daycare to keep them separate and they told me that my son needs to learn to walk away and that they cannot keep them separated.

I’m confused by it all and that’s why I’m trying to clear my head by beginning this topic. I’m not sure what actions I should be taking. My son’s kindergarten teacher says that the bully doesn’t bully during school hours and my son tells me the same…it happens during daycare.

There is a saving grace; my son only has 3 weeks left with this bully. The bully is leaving daycare mid-July.

I’m not sure if I can talk to mom and dad b/c they are avoiding eye contact with me during drop off and pick up. I’m not sure how to approach it. They seem like nice people, but they are very laid back people and I honestly think God gave them a very difficult child and they don’t know how to handle it.

I’m going to ask the daycare how things went today…it was just Friday where the bully pinched my son. grrrrr!!!

Thanks
 
So sorry, troubles with our children can be so difficult. In our schools bullying is zero tolerance and this situation sounds like it should have zero tolerance. I would suggest that if there are any more incidences, by now it is possible that they will stop, you ask for a conference with the other parents present. You don’t have to be alone in this as it is happening on school grounds and daycare facilities. I will pray for all of you,
 
It would appear that the efforts at the school are insufficient. Before this goes any further I would suggest that they be required to suspend or expel the bully the next time this happens. Then there needs to be a conference with you and the parents of the other child that specifies what you, as a parent, will not accept in the way of behavior against your son.

In my day bullies got sent home, and if the “victim” did have to push back they did not get in trouble. Now it seems you have to walk away or act like a passive idiot while the bullies take full advantage. We need more meaningful consequences when bullying occurs. Bullying behavior is often associated with issues at home. Maybe social services should be checking into this family a bit more.
 
If I’m reading you correctly, the daycare told you they’ve been observing this all year but didn’t mention it to you until you brought it up? This would bother me a lot. Thankfully this particular boy will be gone soon but I would specifically request that the daycare facilitators inform you whenever there is a bullying-type incident, regardless of how often that might be. You want to be made aware of these things sooner rather than later!
 
Telling him to hit back might be the most effective way of getting the kid to pick on someone else. That’s what my parents taught us and it worked. However, that method has it’s own problems. There are consequences for hitting back and they get more severe as the child grows older. I don’t think a four-year-old is really in a position to consider the consequences of hitting back and deciding if it is worth it to him or not. It sounds like the school is handling this ineffectively, and I think before I would tell my kid to slug him, I would be on the phone with anyone at the school who would listen, letting them know that you won’t tolerate your child being picked on.
 
mountee said:
So sorry, troubles with our children can be so difficult. In our schools bullying is zero tolerance and this situation sounds like it should have zero tolerance. I would suggest that if there are any more incidences, by now it is possible that they will stop, you ask for a conference with the other parents present. You don’t have to be alone in this as it is happening on school grounds and daycare facilities. I will pray for all of you,
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Thank you Mountee
 
thanks everyone. I’m going to have a word with my son’s teacher and the daycare tonight, just to see how things are going. I will ask the daycare to tell me any incident where my son is bullied verbally or physically from now on. I want to stay on top of it.

Maybe if my son gets hit again, I should call the police and file a police report. :mad:

My husband has told me to tell my son to hit back in defense and my husband would fully support him. Maybe that’s the best way. The consequence is that my son could be suspended, but maybe the consequence is worth it.

Hopefully it won’t come to that!
 
Serap said:
…I’m not sure if I can talk to mom and dad b/c they are avoiding eye contact with me during drop off and pick up. I’m not sure how to approach it. They seem like nice people, but they are very laid back people and I honestly think God gave them a very difficult child and they don’t know how to handle it…
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They are avoiding eye contact? Could you tell the school that there has already been more than enough incidents, and if there is even one more, you will want to arrange to be there when the school talks to them THAT DAY about how their son has been behaving with your son, to be sure that someone impresses upon them that what their son has been feeling free to do simply will not be tolerated?

This is not an isolated incident. It is a pattern, it is harming your son, and the adults who keep allowing it are getting the to point of complicity. It is not as if you have the old-days option of teaching your son how to beat the snot out of his tormentor, and I might say as much. As much as you believe that their son may show a better version of himself at home, what he’s been doing at school needs to stop, because there is nowhere in the civilized world where a student can get away with this stuff any more, any more than a student can get away with the old-fashioned cure for it.
 
Serap said:
My husband has told me to tell my son to hit back in defense and my husband would fully support him. Maybe that’s the best way. The consequence is that my son could be suspended, but maybe the consequence is worth it.

Hopefully it won’t come to that!
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Sorry your kid is going through this. There is nothing wrong with telling your son it’s okay to defend yourself but also if your son does not want to hit back then that’s okay too. I notice you say the your husband has told you to tell your son. Maybe your husband could be directly involved? I know things aren’t the same but back in the day usually if you popped a bully in the nose that would be the end of it. And many times you and the ex bully would become friends. But these days that could draw a lawsuit.🤷
 
Serap said:
thanks everyone. I’m going to have a word with my son’s teacher and the daycare tonight, just to see how things are going. I will ask the daycare to tell me any incident where my son is bullied verbally or physically from now on. I want to stay on top of it.

Maybe if my son gets hit again, I should call the police and file a police report. :mad:

My husband has told me to tell my son to hit back in defense and my husband would fully support him. Maybe that’s the best way. The consequence is that my son could be suspended, but maybe the consequence is worth it.

Hopefully it won’t come to that!
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If your son could get suspended for self-defense, why on earth hasn’t the bully been suspended??

Is there another school you could send your child to next year? I know the bully will probably not be an issue at that point, unless they share recess time, but this school seems very negligent. I’d hate to see how they deal with other serious issues.
 
AClaire11 said:
If your son could get suspended for self-defense, why on earth hasn’t the bully been suspended??

Is there another school you could send your child to next year? I know the bully will probably not be an issue at that point, unless they share recess time, but this school seems very negligent. I’d hate to see how they deal with other serious issues.
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It may be worth making the complaint in writing, with dates and incidents cited. OTOH, they only have a matter of weeks left.
 
How terrible they say it is on your son, not the bully. And they have observed this for a year? This is very unacceptable. I would not stop until something was done that protects my child from physical and mental harm. Get your husband involved, have another meeting, involve the parents too in this meeting. These are patterns of behaviors. So what if the parents won’t make eye contact, ignoring doesn’t mean things just go away. This child will go to bully others, I am sure it isn’t just your son.
 
What an awful situation for your son. You have left your son in the care of the person managing the daycare, and they have an obligation to act ‘in loco parentis’ which (amongst other things) means that they are legally obliged to protect your child from harm. They simply are not doing this and I cannot believe that they are saying that the bullying has been going on for a long time and that a 4 year old needs to learn strategies (eg. walking away) to deal with it :eek:. This is totally unacceptable and negligent.

Personally I would document everything and then go over the head of the person in charge of the daycare. I’m not sure how it works in Canada, but there must be a system for making a formal complaint and I would do this.

I wouldn’t try to solve any bullying in daycare with the child’s parents, as I think this may cause worse problems and it’s not something which you should have to do - it should be the daycare who does this. The only exception would be if the child hurt your child whilst he was in the care of his parents - in which case, I would say something to them.
 
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