My son's girlfriend

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Winters

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Our 25 year old son has had his present girlfriend for almost 2 years so they are approaching “seriousness”. Our son was raised Catholic but does not practice. His girlfriend is 1 of 9 kids. Her mother is evangelical and her dad left the family just a few months ago when the youngest was 16.

Though my efforts to persuade my son to practice his Catholicism have failed, he is clearly pro-life (I made sure to teach him the evils of abortion and I believe he whole-heartedly endorses the right to life). My wife and I have not spent much time with this girlfriend but we detect a sway towards the left politically and I am trying to prepare for the case that she is pro-choice. I can’t say that she is but it is a possibility. Otherwise we like her and she us. She is smart, attractive, interesting, and sincere.

Eventually it will come up or I will bring it up before they are engaged. I have been in plenty of abortion discussions and debates and I believe I can handle myself very well - in terms of effectiveness and politeness. It is a hill I will die on and even refuse her as a potential daughter in-law.

How can I do otherwise? Should I do otherwise? Our grandchildren are at stake.
 
If I’m to understand you correctly you want to have a discussion with your son’s girlfriend to find out if she is pro-life or not and if not…what? Try to sway her to the pro-life side? Try to persuade your son to break off the relationship? Refuse to acknowledge her existence should she and your son get married and she is pro-choice?

You say that this is a hill you’ll die on so I’m wondering if you’re prepared to lose your son over this? If this is the girl he loves and intends to marry and you refuse to accept this he very well may decide to break off relationships with you and not her.
 
Winters said:
Our 25 year old son has had his present girlfriend for almost 2 years so they are approaching “seriousness”. Our son was raised Catholic but does not practice. His girlfriend is 1 of 9 kids. Her mother is evangelical and her dad left the family just a few months ago when the youngest was 16.

Though my efforts to persuade my son to practice his Catholicism have failed, he is clearly pro-life (I made sure to teach him the evils of abortion and I believe he whole-heartedly endorses the right to life). My wife and I have not spent much time with this girlfriend but we detect a sway towards the left politically and I am trying to prepare for the case that she is pro-choice. I can’t say that she is but it is a possibility. Otherwise we like her and she us. She is smart, attractive, interesting, and sincere.

**Eventually it will come up or I will bring it up before they are engaged. I have been in plenty of abortion discussions and debates and I believe I can handle myself very well - in terms of effectiveness and politeness. It is a hill I will die on and even refuse her as a potential daughter in-law.
**
How can I do otherwise? Should I do otherwise? Our grandchildren are at stake.
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First things first your son is 25 years old, very much an adult and you don’t get to choose who he marries. Although he is not a practicing Catholic it seems he respects you very much and has introduced you (possibly more than once) to this young lady.

Speaking of this young lady who YOU describe as smart, attractive, interesting and sincere, you also said that you are not even sure if she is pro choice. To this I say don’t pick a fight where there isn’t one. I’m sure your son and this young lady have discussed it and if being pro life is important to him as you imply I’m sure he is not approaching seriousness with (although BTW not engaged to yet) someone who doesn’t match him in a core belief.

It seems like you want a debate, you want a reason (read excuse) to trot out your sharpened abortion debate skills and there are forums for that online and off if thats something that you are passionate about. Picking this fight with an otherwise perfectly wonderful young lady isn’t going to work miracles in your relationship with her or frankly with your son in the long term should they decide to marry.

There is no hill for you to die on in this one, the relationship is GETTING serious, there isn’t an engagement or marriage yet but even if it was it simply is not in anyone’s best interest to broach an intensely heavy and personal topic with the goal of arguing and debating in mind with due respect its tacky. Don’t worry until there is something to worry about.
 
ultimately, you cannot control his decisions. pray for him. and perhaps you are just worried about nothing. maybe she is prolife? also, i think the best thing would be to try and help your son return to the chuch and possibly his girlfriend too. until a person accepts the catholic chuch for what she is, it is hard to agree with her teachings.
 
Miss_Felicity said:
First things first your son is 25 years old, very much an adult and you don’t get to choose who he marries. Although he is not a practicing Catholic it seems he respects you very much and has introduced you (possibly more than once) to this young lady.

Speaking of this young lady who YOU describe as smart, attractive, interesting and sincere, you also said that you are not even sure if she is pro choice. To this I say don’t pick a fight where there isn’t one. I’m sure your son and this young lady have discussed it and if being pro life is important to him as you imply I’m sure he is not approaching seriousness with (although BTW not engaged to yet) someone who doesn’t match him in a core belief.

It seems like you want a debate, you want a reason (read excuse) to trot out your sharpened abortion debate skills and there are forums for that online and off if thats something that you are passionate about. Picking this fight with an otherwise perfectly wonderful young lady isn’t going to work miracles in your relationship with her or frankly with your son in the long term should they decide to marry.

There is no hill for you to die on in this one, the relationship is GETTING serious, there isn’t an engagement or marriage yet but even if it was it simply is not in anyone’s best interest to broach an intensely heavy and personal topic with the goal of arguing and debating in mind with due respect its tacky. Don’t worry until there is something to worry about.
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^this

I am quite close to my mother-in-law. I spend weeks with her when my husband is deployed, even. I would be uncomfortable with her trying to pick a fight with me or force me to think a certain way. I am pro-life and if someone ASSUMED that I wasn’t and tried to pick a fight with me, I would probably let them think whatever they wanted to about me. I would be offended and be quite spiteful.
 
She might not even be pro-choice. But regardless I think you should pray for her, not ask probing questions or start a fight.
 
Just as all righties are not pro-life, not all lefties are for abortion. If she is a Christian, then she is pro-life. You should not assume what another person believes. I would not challenge her unless she brings up that issue and declares she agrees with abortion.

Pray for your son and his girlfriend, that they will hold steadfast to all of the laws (400+)from God which are written for us to obey in the Holy Bible.

May God bless you and your family in all things this day until eternity.
 
Winters said:
Our 25 year old son has had his present girlfriend for almost 2 years so they are approaching “seriousness”. Our son was raised Catholic but does not practice. His girlfriend is 1 of 9 kids. Her mother is evangelical and her dad left the family just a few months ago when the youngest was 16.

Though my efforts to persuade my son to practice his Catholicism have failed, he is clearly pro-life (I made sure to teach him the evils of abortion and I believe he whole-heartedly endorses the right to life). My wife and I have not spent much time with this girlfriend but we detect a sway towards the left politically and I am trying to prepare for the case that she is pro-choice. I can’t say that she is but it is a possibility. Otherwise we like her and she us. She is smart, attractive, interesting, and sincere.

Eventually it will come up or I will bring it up before they are engaged. I have been in plenty of abortion discussions and debates and I believe I can handle myself very well - in terms of effectiveness and politeness. It is a hill I will die on and even refuse her as a potential daughter in-law.

How can I do otherwise? Should I do otherwise? Our grandchildren are at stake.
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Are you worried that she may abort your grandchild?
 
takers said:
If I’m to understand you correctly you want to have a discussion with your son’s girlfriend to find out if she is pro-life or not and if not…what? Try to sway her to the pro-life side? Try to persuade your son to break off the relationship? Refuse to acknowledge her existence should she and your son get married and she is pro-choice?

You say that this is a hill you’ll die on so I’m wondering if you’re prepared to lose your son over this? If this is the girl he loves and intends to marry and you refuse to accept this he very well may decide to break off relationships with you and not her.
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You saved me the time I would have spent saying the same thing.

OP, I understand your willingness to die on a hill, but that is your choice for you to make, you cannot run your 25 year old son’s life for him. Be confident that you raised a son that can choose a good potential wife, and accept who he chooses.
 
It’s not about the debate. I don’t want the fight. I mentioned that aspect to convey that I think I could handle the situation with acumen.

It’s just that I have been deceived before in this respect and with life-long consequences and so I speak from more wisdom than I think I have been given credit for here. I assume I will be asked for a blessing. Can I bless and disregard the issue? Either abortion is the killing of an innocent human being or it is not. Even for non-believers. If we human beings have no right-to-life we don’t have much of a society, do we? At no point do we stand up?

Thanks for your comments.🙂
 
Unfortunately we cannot assume if someone is a Christian they are pro-life. It is a sad reality. But we shouldn’t assume the worst either. And, I agree that at 25 your son is his own man.

That said, if you want to find out about her beliefs but want to do so obliquely, there are all sorts of ways to do so. October is Respect Life month in the Church, the 40 Days for Life campaign will be starting, the Life Chain (which is interdenominational) will be going on… you can invite them to participate. October would be a good month to bring it up in conversation without appearing off the wall.

I hope that your fears are unfounded.
 
Monicad said:
I hope and pray that she is pro-life, however if she is not, be assured that the influence of your son who loves and adores her will probably carry much more weight then a debate with you. If your son is staunchly pro-life then it would be hard to imagine him raising his future children in a pro-choice environment. I know this must be very hard for you, please be assured of my prayers.
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I agree, if you had talked to me before age 25, I would have classified myself as “pro choice” more from ignorance and secular influence than real conviction. It was not until I started on the path to converting to the Catholic Chuch that I ever really thought about it in a critical way.
 
1ke said:
I agree, if you had talked to me before age 25, I would have classified myself as “pro choice” more from ignorance and secular influence than real conviction. It was not until I started on the path to converting to the Catholic Chuch that I ever really thought about it in a critical way.
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Same here. I was pro-choice in that I thought it wrong to interfere with someone else’s decisions, but I wouldn’t abort a child of my own. Even if this girl is pro-choice that does not mean that she would abort if she became pregnant.

Frankly, she is an adult and so is your son. If they faced an unexpected pregnancy the decisions are theirs and theirs alone.

From your comment I suspect a woman aborted a child of yours. If so, I am sorry for your loss and understand why you are worried.

Like it or not, when a woman becomes pregnant the decisions are hers to make and the man has very little he can do. Which is why men, especially pro-life men, really need to understand the risks they are taking when they have sex. People will talk and talk about diseases and getting charged with paying child support, but rarely do they talk about the possibility of a woman becoming pregnant and deciding to abort against the man’s wishes.

Maybe you should talk to your son. Ask him if his GF is pro-life and ask him if they have discussed what will happen if she becomes pregnant. Also ask him if he has considered that she could become pregnant and decide to abort or raise the baby as a single mother. Give him some things to consider that he may not have thought about on his own.
 
“Ask him if his GF is pro-life and ask him if they have discussed what will happen if she becomes pregnant. Also ask him if he has considered that she could become pregnant and decide to abort or raise the baby as a single mother.”

Right.

Given the GF’s family situation, she may be thinking that what went wrong in her family was having too many kids. Your best move is to demonstrate a healthy and happy family life, so she doesn’t think that being pro-life is impractical and/or hypocritical. Young people care a lot about not being hypocritical and a good example means a lot more than mere words. If you are respectful to your wife and a good father, that will be much more powerful testimony than just arguments.
 
What gets me is those lefties that say “I’m not for abortion, but I am for a woman’s right to choose”. If they would finish that statement properly they would see that they are for abortion.
“I am for a woman’s right to choose abortion.” This is a pro-abortion stance. There is no mincing words about it.

As for the situation about your son and his gf, I agree that you should pray. You should not verbally or in any other way interfere in your son’s relationship. You may end up alienating him and then not even be allowed regular contact with the future grandchildren that you are concerned about. I’m not saying he would consciously shun you. What happens a lot when in-laws are overbearing is that the couple decide to accept a job offer that is 1000 miles away and they move.
 
I am so grateful that my very catholic and extremely pro life in-laws have had the grace and tact to not try to drag me into a political debate, or even ask probing questions. They know that I’m a liberal, though I have never said it, and I know that they are conservative. Abortion has never come up. If they asked about my views I would be honest and tell them I am pro choice. If they tried to debate me I would politely refuse out of respect for them, myself, my husband, and the rest of the family who might feel tension. If they pressed my husband would take my side in a heartbeat, and would have done so even at the dating stage of our relationship.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
I am so grateful that my very catholic and extremely pro life in-laws have had the grace and tact to not try to drag me into a political debate, or even ask probing questions. They know that I’m a liberal, though I have never said it, and I know that they are conservative. Abortion has never come up. If they asked about my views I would be honest and tell them I am pro choice. If they tried to debate me I would politely refuse out of respect for them, myself, my husband, and the rest of the family who might feel tension. If they pressed my husband would take my side in a heartbeat, and would have done so even at the dating stage of our relationship.
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I just can’t see the appropriateness of a member of my BF’s family (especially a parent) trying to engage me in any charged topic. Like you, I wouldn’t have it. Unlike you, I’d not answer either. To me, that’s just looking for a fight, and the OP is looking at this from a negative perspective: He’s assuming she’s pro-choice and wanting to debate (read: fight) with her about it, with the implied intention of getting rid of her if her answers don’t equal his.
 
Rence said:
I just can’t see the appropriateness of a member of my BF’s family (especially a parent) trying to engage me in any charged topic. Like you, I wouldn’t have it. Unlike you, I’d not answer either. To me, that’s just looking for a fight, and the OP is looking at this from a negative perspective: He’s assuming she’s pro-choice and wanting to debate (read: fight) with her about it, with the implied intention of getting rid of her if her answers don’t equal his.
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That’s the difference. My in-laws don’t want to get rid of me, and even if they did want to they couldn’t. (I believe that the OP might be in for a rude awakening when it comes to that.) So what would be the point? Just to upset everyone and make things awkward for the whole family?
 
Even thought I always have been catholic, in my young years, I wasn’t practicing my faith. I was with recent fiancee who was a protestant by that time and my life was not going the rifht path. My mother who always has been active in our parish never said anything to me and accepted my gf in our home. 5 yrs after, my gf changd to catholicism a couple yars ago, I I am very active in my parish and my fiancee as well, and what made this possible was my mothers prayers. Just pray and have faith because Jesus said if you had faith like a.little seed of mustard , you can tell the hills to move from.side to side. Pray my brother and God will make it happen
God bless
 
BlueEyedLady said:
That’s the difference. My in-laws don’t want to get rid of me, and even if they did want to they couldn’t. (I believe that the OP might be in for a rude awakening when it comes to that.) So what would be the point? Just to upset everyone and make things awkward for the whole family?
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It can really change the dynamics in a bad way when in-laws do that, and it sets the tone for a long time.
 
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