B
BlossomingFaith
Guest
I hope this is the right spot. I wanted to share how I got here and see if anyone else has a similar experience.
I am Catholic. I was baptized as a small baby. But I haven’t always been Catholic.
It was after college, in a moment of anguish during Mass, that I decided to walk away. I dont remember if I stayed until the end of Mass or not, but I was angry that I hadn’t gotten what I wanted in a situation.
I stayed away, coming back for family celebrations, holidays, etc. but just for their sake.
I was angry I had followed God’s rules- the Catholic rules- and hadn’t been rewarded.
Only, I hadn’t.
I was too wrapped up in pride to realize that my old reliable prayer contains the words “thy will be done.”
It took me over a decade to realize this.
In a mirrored moment, I was in a hospital, waiting to hear if my 33 year old husband had cancer. I badly wanted to have “my will” be done even as I prayed the rosary on an app (since of course I didn’t have one handy.) I had been going back to prayer and occasional Mass in moments of need, two loved ones had also had cancer recently. When I realized my young husband could, too, I had even looked up a “miracle prayer” which led me to a Catholic church’s website. Praying this prayer and the Rosary and to St. Therese, i wanted to hear that I would have good news.
As I prayed, I had to Google the Mysteries, since catechism was long forgotten. I typed on my IPhone- “the Sorrowful Mysteries” and as I read “The Agony in the Garden” I realized that even Jesus said “thy will be done.” Somehow, I started to accept that this could really be. All the “deals” I tried to make with God to get “my will” were foolish looking at Jesus’ example. I didn’t even finish the Rosary when the doctor came out and told me my husband had cancer. But, God prepared me for that moment. I was devastated but I was not angry at God. I had finally listened.
Could I have imagined this years earlier when I turned away over something that now seems trivial? No way.
So, did I stop praying? No way.
In fact, I prayed that Miracle Prayer. Did I experience the Miracle I wanted? No. Instead I became wracked by guilt as I recalled how I had failed to love God and follow His Commandments. I had thought I was a good person. I became distraught and overwhelmed in sin. With some help from a kind Deacon (which is another amazing story) I found my faith. I joined a parish. At some point, I realized that the miracle prayer contains the line “I repent of my sins.” It reminded me of something I read about Fatima. I guess repenting and confessing was important. All this crazy remembering was actually an examination of conscience? My repentance and conversion was the miracle.
So, here I am, struggling daily. I am finding it hard sometimes, as it seems I remember more and more old sins, but I know I will make it to confession. That is my next big hurdle.
I am praying for my husband’s health as well as his conversion. It seems unrealistic at times, but I know how quickly God can work in someone’s heart. Been there.
In fact, truth be told, in typing this the parallel of my lapse and reversion became clearer to me. God is still working on us! We may not understand, but now we “see through a glass darkly” and have to trust God and His will. I have lots of questions and things I dont understand but I am at least listening now.
I am Catholic. I was baptized as a small baby. But I haven’t always been Catholic.
It was after college, in a moment of anguish during Mass, that I decided to walk away. I dont remember if I stayed until the end of Mass or not, but I was angry that I hadn’t gotten what I wanted in a situation.
I stayed away, coming back for family celebrations, holidays, etc. but just for their sake.
I was angry I had followed God’s rules- the Catholic rules- and hadn’t been rewarded.
Only, I hadn’t.
I was too wrapped up in pride to realize that my old reliable prayer contains the words “thy will be done.”
It took me over a decade to realize this.
In a mirrored moment, I was in a hospital, waiting to hear if my 33 year old husband had cancer. I badly wanted to have “my will” be done even as I prayed the rosary on an app (since of course I didn’t have one handy.) I had been going back to prayer and occasional Mass in moments of need, two loved ones had also had cancer recently. When I realized my young husband could, too, I had even looked up a “miracle prayer” which led me to a Catholic church’s website. Praying this prayer and the Rosary and to St. Therese, i wanted to hear that I would have good news.
As I prayed, I had to Google the Mysteries, since catechism was long forgotten. I typed on my IPhone- “the Sorrowful Mysteries” and as I read “The Agony in the Garden” I realized that even Jesus said “thy will be done.” Somehow, I started to accept that this could really be. All the “deals” I tried to make with God to get “my will” were foolish looking at Jesus’ example. I didn’t even finish the Rosary when the doctor came out and told me my husband had cancer. But, God prepared me for that moment. I was devastated but I was not angry at God. I had finally listened.
Could I have imagined this years earlier when I turned away over something that now seems trivial? No way.
So, did I stop praying? No way.
In fact, I prayed that Miracle Prayer. Did I experience the Miracle I wanted? No. Instead I became wracked by guilt as I recalled how I had failed to love God and follow His Commandments. I had thought I was a good person. I became distraught and overwhelmed in sin. With some help from a kind Deacon (which is another amazing story) I found my faith. I joined a parish. At some point, I realized that the miracle prayer contains the line “I repent of my sins.” It reminded me of something I read about Fatima. I guess repenting and confessing was important. All this crazy remembering was actually an examination of conscience? My repentance and conversion was the miracle.
So, here I am, struggling daily. I am finding it hard sometimes, as it seems I remember more and more old sins, but I know I will make it to confession. That is my next big hurdle.
I am praying for my husband’s health as well as his conversion. It seems unrealistic at times, but I know how quickly God can work in someone’s heart. Been there.
In fact, truth be told, in typing this the parallel of my lapse and reversion became clearer to me. God is still working on us! We may not understand, but now we “see through a glass darkly” and have to trust God and His will. I have lots of questions and things I dont understand but I am at least listening now.
My first confession after 15 years away from the Church took less than 10 minutes, and that included Father asking questions to help me make a good confession, and giving me advice to have my son baptized.