My spouse cheated and I don't know if I'll ever get over it

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Paco85

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Hello my fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. So I’m in a bit of a dilemma right now and I could definitely use some advice. As the title of my thread states, I unfortunately found out a few months ago that my wife (whom I’ve been married to for 8 years and been together with for almost 11 years now) cheated on me and I’m completely torn on what to do. It’s a bit of a long story and I may have to split it between a few more posts. But I’ll try to summarize it as much as possible.

My wife and I met back in January of 2007. Immediately we hit it off and became best friends. A few months later we felt like there was more to our bond than friendship so we began dating. We fell in love and in February of 2008 I proposed followed by eventually getting married in August of 2009. From then all the way to early 2016, we had a very happy and healthy marriage. We weren’t without our issues (as no marriage is), but about 80% of the time we got along great while the other 20% of the time we argued a bit. All in all, we were very happy, made it through all our trials and tribulations, had 4 kids, and shared in many wonderful memories. Unfortunately in early 2016, that’s when things started to get ugly and I started seeing a side to her that I had never seen before.

The first red flag was an episode of domestic violence. I had just came home from doing PT (Physical Training. I’m in the Army) and I accidentally locked the door as I came in and went to take a shower. My wife was coming back from dropping the kids off from school and couldn’t get in because I accidentally locked the door. Once I realized she had been stuck outside for a while, I rushed downstairs to open the door and as soon as I did, she rushed in and struck me in my chest. It wasn’t hard enough to to leave a mark, but it was hard enough to where it stung and hurt me emotionally. I called her out on it later, but she blew it off like it was no big deal. So we started going to counseling for a few months, she apologized, and for almost a year after it seemed like things were going well.

Unfortunately in early 2017, I began noticing that the stress of being a stay at home mom of 4 kids was really starting to get to my wife. She was always saying how she couldn’t wait to be away from the kids and I and she made me feel like we were more of a burden than a blessing to her. So I really tried to boost my efforts in helping her more with the kids and the house. But no matter what I did, she would just continue complaining about us. It also got to a point where every weekend she was out and about spending hours with her friends and barely spending anytime with me and our kids anymore. This went on for months and caused quite a few arguments between us and then eventually in the summer I also found out that my wife and a former co-worker of mine had been sending really innapropriate text messages to each other (comments that were very sexual in nature). And upon finding those texts, I was completely devastated…
 
When I questioned her about the messages, she insisted that they were just joking around. But I definitely didn’t find the texts funny at all, so we began going back to counseling. We went for about a month and a half, she apologized to me, and she promised me that she would never engage in that kind of talk with him or another guy ever again. So, I gave her thed benefit of the doubt and once again for a few more months, everything was good again. But then in October of last year, once again I found out that she had still been sending the same innapropriate text messages to the same guy and now it had escalated to them sending pictures to each other. On top of planning to see each other and mess around behind my back. Words cannot express how I felt at that point.

The next month consisted of a lot of arguing, a lot of tears, a lot of screaming at each other, and things were going from bad to worse. Mostly because I kept telling her that if she wanted to stay married to me she had to work at building my trust back, but the things I was asking her to do, she did not want to do. And eventually when I saw that sher wouldn’t even commit to giving me what I was asking for even when a good friend of mine from high school had passed away, I had enough of the drama and I left our house for a few days.

When things simmered down a bit, we linked up and had a nice long conversation in which she apologized and finally agreed to give me what I had been asking for (Which was to stop talking to him once and for all and to sacrifice her trip to go see him). When I saw her do so, I felt that maybe now we could get our marriage back on track and I came back home…This was at the beginning of December…But unfortunately since then…things just haven’t felt the same. Because I feel like the day I left the house…was the moment in which I had given up on my marriage with her…
 
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Since then, we’ve been attending counseling again and I’ve been doing my best to focus on all the good she’s been doing and on how things used to be between us…But unfortunately no matter how hard I try to think positively, my mind automatically counters those thoughts with something negative about how she did me wrong. I feel like I now have this wall placed between her and I in which I do not want to trust her fully anymore because I’m to scared of getting betrayed again. So I’m completely torn on what to do. A part of me still loves her and wants to make things right between us again. But another part of me is done trusting her and just wants to move on without her.

If there’s anyone out there that has been through something like this, I beg you to please share your thoughts, opinions, and advice on the matter as I am so incredibly confused right now and unsure about how to move forward now.
 
I am sorry that you are going thru this. I cannot understand how someone that is a practicing Catholic is capable of doing what your wife has done. I would suggest making an appointment with your priest and both of you go together.

If your marriage is going to work, your wife needs to go to confession and then offer to lead a transparent life with you so that you are able to rebuild trust.

You are the wronged party and she is the one that needs to change herself and prove herself to you.
If she will not go to the appointment with you, then go alone, but know that her refusal to go speaks for itself.
 
Paco85 said:
Since then, we’ve been attending counseling again and I’ve been doing my best to focus on all the good she’s been doing and on how things used to be between us
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Counseling is good. Seeing a Priest would help too. I recommend Everybody marching into confession and making right with God.

Here’s one Program for you https://retrouvaille.org
 
You have 4 children under the age of 8, who you briefly mention. For their sake if nothing else, you need to seriously work on your marriage and stay committed. More and more, it is being revealed what lasting damage divorce does to kids. I’ve seen it first hand.
I would recommend seeing a good priest together, encouraging your wife to go to confession, and forgiving her. Christ said we are to forgive those who injure us seven times seventy. You might get hurt again, but that is nothing compared to the hurt that your giving up on your marriage would do to your children. I’d also recommend praying together every night as this can help strengthen your marriage.
 
Somebody posted something on these forums many years ago which I printed out and have hanging on my computer screen to this day. I am sincerely not trying to judge, just want to give you something to ponder.

“Love isn’t about feelings, it’s an act of the will. Love means to consistently will the good of the other. Are you willing the good of your wife or of your desires?”
 
She has done it twice already. She doesn’t feel remorse this time. It’ll happen again.
 
So burn her clothes and order her to where ankle length skirts.

Yeah, there’s the solution. 😏
 
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